Brilliant Absurd, ridiculous, and grotesque jokes.

I wear a stethoscope, so that in a medical emergency, I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.

The elevator at work broke so I took the stairs, now nobody can get down.

What if they’re not stars, just holes poked in the container so we can breathe..

Some people pick their noses.
I was born with mine.

When it comes to books, once you’ve read the dictionary, you’ve read them all...

When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard. I was an only child... eventually.

A new kid started working with us at the human cannonball factory today.
He's really keen, plus he's small and light.
I can see him going far!

Saw a bull caught in an electric fence.

I think it was charging.

Chap sees an swan in the cinema. He says “are you a swan?” “Yes” comes the answer. “What are you doing here?” “Well, I liked the book”.

Whats fuzzy, green, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
A pool table.

Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you and then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, and no, I’m not sorry about your table.

I've started wearing a mask to bed so that if I get burgled and I disturb them, they'll think I'm part of their gang.

My grandpa told me he was very poor when he was born. So poor, in fact, that he was born without clothes on.

A man walks into a library and asks for a bottle of milk. The librarian says “this is a library!”. The man whispers “sorry, a bottle of milk, please”.

I went to the barbers before the latest lockdown and said, "I want my hair cut like Tom Cruise."

So he put a cushion on the chair!

Sometimes I like to lay there at night and look up to the stars and think...
where the hell has my ceiling gone?

I once tried to swim the channel,got half way knew I woudnt make it so I swam back.

A guy with a giant pumpkin head meets his friend.
His friend asks "what the hell happened, why do you have a giant pumpkin head?'
The guy explains, "well, I met a genie and he give me three wishes..."
"So what the hell happened"
"Well, first I wished for £30 million pounds.. and I got it. For my second wish I wished for a beautiful lady"
And his friend interrupts "yeah, but, what happened"
"Well, for the third wish, that's where I really screwed up"
"Yeah, how... Why"
" I wished for a giant pumpkin head".

You might die of thirst if you get stranded in the desert, but you'll never go hungry. That's because of all of the sand which is there.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still remain stationery.

Did you hear about the idiot who was given a pair of water skis for his birthday?

He’s spent the last six months looking for a lake with a slope.

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said,
“Ya know, one would have been enough.”

Just went into a shop and said, "Can I pay by card?" The cashier said, "No problem, what card do you have?"
I said, "The six of spades!"

I used to be a motorcycle courier....

Those things are heavy.

Two guys reach for the same record and one screams “MINE!!” One guy asks why he said that and the other says “Just for the record.”

Janitors don't get lost because they have a mop.

I was sitting in the window seat of the aeroplane when I thought "They look like ants down there".
Then I realised that they probably were as we hadn't taken off yet.

I bought coconut shampoo today, but when I got home, I realized...

I don't even *have* a coconut...

Me: I'd like to buy a hotdog with ketchup, please.
Vendor: Sorry...cash only.

My grandmother's last words before she kicked the bucket were, 'Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?'

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

How do you catch rabbits?
Answer: hide behind a bush and make a noise like a carrot.

Did you hear about the man who got stuck in a washing machine?

Apparently he kept going in circles.

If you can't make both ends meet.
Make one end vegetables.

Some people eat light bulbs.

They say its a nice light snack.

There isn’t a single person who is married.

A man walks into a fishmongers with a salmon under his arm.
"Do you make fishcakes?" he asks.
"Of course," says the fishmonger.
"Oh good," says the man, "could you make him one it's his birthday!"
😆

I don't think all those screwdrivers
really belong to Philip.

A man was driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave.Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."The man sa,ys, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks."In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door!With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound......But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

I have excellent memory...

couldn't even tell ya the last thing I forgot.

That's the last time I buy anything from eBay. I put in a bid for the worlds largest box...

It's just arrived now and I've been conned. The box it came in was bigger!

My daughter was telling me she talks to tomatoes and asked if I do too? I told her its been awhile and we'd have alot to ketchup on!

I was driving through this Village today and passed a sign that read.
Max Speed 20.
I thought to myself Happy Birthday Max..

Three Unwritten Rules in Life:
1.
2.
3.

Poles say every fifth person is Chinese.
We have five people in our family, it's not me or mum and dad. So it's either my oldest brother Lee Chin Cho
Or my young brother Colin.
I think it's Colin.

My sister was engaged to a man with a wooden leg but she broke it off.

What’s yellow and kills you if you get it in your eye?

A bulldozer!

Me: “Excuse me, have your carrots been genetically modified?”
Greengrocer: “No, why do you ask?”
Carrot: “Yeah, why do you ask?”

Сегодня 20 декабря 2020 года в 20 часов 20 минут нужно выпить.
Не знаю, почему... но больше такое сочетание не повторится.

Dad: What annoys you most, son?
Son: Nouns.
Dad: Nouns???
Son: Yeah...People, Places & Things.

I lost my balance on an escalator and fell down the stairs for 2 hours.

People call me skeptical.

But I'm not sure I believe that.

The 1st rule of paradox club is to follow rule number 2.
The 2nd rule of paradox club is to not follow rule number 1.

People need to stop putting flyers on my car. No, I don't want to see a band called "Parking Violation" at the "Courthouse".

My nickname at school was scarface
I was brilliant at knitting.

Bought my friend an elephant for his room.
He said Thanks.
I said don't mention it.

A bloke just said to me in the pub
'Are those thick Lens glasses that you are wearing?"
"No they're my own" I said!

I was on a train and the inspector asked, "Can I see your ticket?"
"No, it's in my pocket."
He wasn't pleased by my honesty.

I know a bloke who reminds me a lot of Stevie Wonder.
He comes to my house every day and says “Do you remember Stevie Wonder?”

"Which makes no sense" is spelled backward "esnes on sekam hcihw" which makes no sense.

I came home tonight to find my wife dancing erotic infront of the dishwasher. I asked her what she was doing, she replies well I've been trying to turn on the dishwasher and it not working...

Needing paper, I went in a shop, and said to the assistant, “Do you keep stationary”?
She said “No, I move about a bit”.

Because of a typo, some of America's most dangerous criminals are currently waiting at Heathrow.

A burglar stole all my lamps.
I should be upset, but I’m delighted.

I was watching the Bermuda Philharmonic Orchestra when all of a sudden the guy on the triangle just disappeared...

A General was visiting the troops at the battlefront.
As he walked along the battle line inspecting the soldiers, a sniper bullet whistled overhead.
"What the devil was that?" he roared.
"It's an enemy sniper, Sir", they answered.
"He's been shooting at us for about two weeks.We know exactly where he is."
"Well, why the hell don't you send someone out to kill him?"
"Sir, if we did that, they might replace him with someone who could shoot straight."

Spelling errors are embarrassing.
You mix up 2 letters, and your
whole post is urined.

A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.
'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks. They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest. After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!
'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?
''No,' she replies. She said ..... "You're just the first man who happened to catch my eye."

Some nights, I lie awake thinking about how our oceans are full of millions of jellyfish and not a single peanut butter fish.

My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with TV dramas.😮
Will she leave?
Find out next week..🤔

My girlfriend phoned me last night, she said "come over there's nobody home" I went over nobody was home.

A farmer was sitting on his porch one day when a young man drives in and comes to the door.
"Sir, I was driving by and noticed you had a lot of milkweed in your pasture. Would you mind if I went out and got some milk?"
"You don't get milk from milkweed!" the farmer replied.
"Oh yes" said the young man "I have a degree in Agriculture from Texas A&M, I know all about it".
"Well, help yourself" said the farmer.
He soon saw the young man coming back to his car with two buckets full of milk.
The next day the farmer was again sitting on his porch when the same young man drove up. "Sir, yesterday when I was getting milk, I noticed you had some honeysuckle vine on the fence row. I wondered if you would mind if I got some honey?"
"You don't get honey from honeysuckle!" said the farmer.
Again, the young man explained about his degree from A&M, so the farmer agreed to let him collect some honey. Soon the young man came back to his car with two buckets full of honey.
The next day the same young man drove up to the farmer's house. "Sir, yesterday when I was getting the honey, I noticed you had some pussy willow trees down by the creek".
The farmer said "Let me get my shoes and I'll go with you!

My wife tells me I can be an idiot sometimes...

I think it's pretty cool of her to give me permission like that...

When you're drinking,
your drink is also getting drunk.

If you go in a fake time machine, you still come out in the future.

The longer the haircut, the shorter the haircut.

My wife said picking my nose was gross. Great, now I'll have to do it myself.

I came home from work early one night to find my wife and my best mate, sweaty and breathless in the living room. I said, "What's going on?"
My wife said, "Erm... We've been playing on the Wii Fit." She winked at my mate and said, "Dave did VERY well."
As I walked out of the room, I heard them giggling and calling me a "dickhead", but I had the last laugh. I checked the next day, and none of his scores had even registered!

So, I read a study the other day claiming that "humans eat more bananas than monkeys".

Which - to me - sounded a bit obvious. I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.

- Waiter, this soup is cold!
- It's gazpacho, Sir.
- OK. Gazpacho, this soup is cold!