The humor that's safe for all ages.
"Humor is the only thing that makes life tolerable."
- George Bernard Shaw
Giggling without making you blush.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never aging is wearing the same clothes every day.
Times are hard for everyone but I’ve got a friend who's a dwarf and he's struggling to put food on the table.
Why are sailors so indecisive?
Because they’re always far from shore.
What happens if you throw a Finnish sailor overboard?
Helsinki.
Things always have a way of going badly for me.
I tried to use pins on a voodoo doll that looks like my mother in law and I ended up curing her arthritis with acupuncture.
To whoever has my voodoo doll,
please hold its hand.
A guy walks into a bar on New Year's Eve and orders a glass of champagne. "Happy New Years!" he shouts. "Calm down," the bartender reprimands him. "It's still hours away." "Sorry," the guy apologizes. "My doctor told me I sometimes suffer from premature congratulations."
Sailor 1: “Man overboard!”
Sailor 2: “Quick, throw him a bar of soap so that he’ll be washed ashore.”
I used to know two birds who excelled in ballet...
They were two toucans.
Why is it so easy to talk to ballet dancers?
They always get right to the pointe!
What did the ballet teacher advise Yoda?
Tendu or tendu not, there is no trying.
Why was the ballet dancer late to class?
Because she wore her leotardy.
What do ballet dancers perform when they are overweight?
'Dance of the sugar plump fairy.'
I used to buy second hand ballet equipment from ebay.
I still do but I used tutu.
A ballet dancer friend of mine recently had twins. He’s now a pas de deux.
Clean jokes are comedy you can enjoy guilt-free, without awkward silences or embarrassed glances afterwards.
Local ballet school took part in a charity football match. It ended up 2-2.
From now on, the proper gender neutral term for sugar daddy or sugar mama will be glucose guardian.
My friend and I tried to sneak into the dinosaur exhibit for free, but the security guards saur us.
I joined a support group for people who talk too much.
On & On Anon.
What substance do they make disco floors out of?
Getdowntonite.
I hosted a silent disco party in my apartment.
I got a complaint from the mime next door.
We got in trouble at school for starting up a silent disco.
The principal said it wasn’t aloud.
I walked into a disco, and there were Orcs, Trolls, and Nazgûl doing their best moves.
It was Mordor on the dance floor.
The U2 spy plane took many pictures during its military career.
But it still hasn’t found what it’s looking for.
The three most well-known spy agencies are the CIA, KGB, and MI5.
The rest are good.
"What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a spy."
"Well why are you dressed as a shepherd?"
"I'm a shepherd spy."
What did the Viking say when hanging out his laundry?
"Today is a good day to dry."
Musical viking = Vising.
Viking ok motorcycle = Biking.
Viking that rules = ViKing.
Viking with glasses =Veyeking.
Viking that is leaving = Byeking.
Viking that enjoys = Liking.
Viking who lies = Lieking.
Viking in forest = Hiking.
Viking with weed = Highking.
Viking in air = Skying.
What do you call a Viking who’s been bitten by a vampire?
Norseferatu.
I was named Chief Speaker at the Society of Introverts.
Thank God no-one showed up.
These jokes are kid-tested and parent-approved that go down easy.
Did you hear about the golf club for introverts?
They had to close within the first year because nobody showed up.
Why did the introvert polish his shoes regularly?
So he could look at others' faces.
How do you pump up a room full of shy introverts?
"LETS GET READY TO MUMBLE!!!"
The First Rule of Introvert Club is...
Don’t speak.
Introverts Rise Up!
Separately, in your own homes!
Here's an idea you can use to get some time alone as an introvert.
Just cough once and tell them how amazing the china trip was.
What's the difference between introverted and extroverted engineers?
The extroverted engineer looks at *your* shoes...
So an introvert goes into a bank and decides they need some money. Hesitantly, they walk to the counter. After the teller greets them they immediately respond with, "Hi, can you leave me a loan?"
If the babysitter is present when your child takes their first steps...
...they are automatically promoted to babystander.
Fun Fact: The word 'bed' looks like an actual bed.
I got evicted from the womb at birth.
I guess that makes sense because I wasn’t paying rent.
What does a pirate call renting cheap accomodation?
Arr'Bnb.
My friend rents out his buildings— one to the neo- Nazis, and the other to the KKK.
He is a leaser of two evils.
I am getting so sick of millennials and their attitude.
Always walkin around like they rent the place.
A Soldier I was renting a house to did a runner
And owes me 6 months rent. He said he was a General but I've since discovered he is a Left Tenant.
Clean jokes - because the best humor comes with a smile, not a blush!
What do you call a fetus that pays rent?
A womb-mate.
How do you hide a million dollars from the FBI?
Give it to the CIA, those two don't share anything.
If I were locked in a room with an agent from the CIA, FBI, and NSA and I had a gun with only two bullets...
I'd shoot myself in the back of the head 3 times.
An FBI agent was called in to speak to the manager of a bank that had been robbed three times in a row by the same guy.
He asked what kind of distinguishing things can you describe about this man? Height, weight, distinguishing tattoos, clothes?
The manager said, "what I noticed was that he seemed to be better dressed each time."
What do you call a mafia boss' key?
A don-key.
Did you hear about the mafia Don with memory problems?
He kept making people offers he couldn't remember.
Just heard that the mafia hired a mime to do their dity work.
You ask why.
Because they don't say a word when questioned.
Whats the difference between the mafia and an acting troupe?
When the Mafia says break a leg, they mean someone elses.
What do you get when you cross an economist with a Mafia godfather?
An offer you can’t understand.
The Feds have just raided a tennis club used as a front for a large Mafia organisation.
No doubt they'll be charged with racquet-eering.
I wanted to join the Yakuza, but I got it mixed it up with “Jacuzzi”.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.
Two Mafia hit-men are walking deep into a forest in the middle of the night.
One of them says: "I gotta admit I'm scared out here."
The other replies: "You're scared... I gotta walk back alone!"
I made a list of things I need to do, but then I lost it. Maybe that is why I feel so listless.
What did the plumber say to his wife?
It’s over. Flo.
I wish I hadn't bought my underwear online.
They now want me to take a brief survey.