555+ Fresh Dad Jokes to make you burst with laughter !

I saw two policemen chasing a person who had just stolen a board game of little value.
It was a really trivial pursuit.

Just had a meal in the new Titanic Restaurant, It didn't go down well. it was a disaster!

Went to a psychics convention earlier today. It wasnt fun, all the psychics were either mad or depressed. There was no happy medium.

What do you call a pea that's in a bad mood? Grumpy.

Q: Why did the lawn mower quit it's job?
A: It was tired of being pushed around.

Where do crows go to clean up?
The Caw-Wash.

The invisible man came up to me and started telling me some great big lies -
but I could see right through him.

You would think that being a submarine captain would pay well, but I hear they can’t keep their heads above water.

A store was selling paddles 2 for 1. Everyone went crazy. Lineups galore. Almost started a riot. I guess it was a big oar deal.

Why did the giant rip off the top of a mountain?
He wanted to take a peak.

Mother hens show their chicks how to behave by setting a good eggsample.

What do you call a pea that's in a bad mood? Grumpy.

How do chickens understand things? They use hencyclopedias.

What do you call a smart sun?
Bright.

Why did the banana stay the night at his friends house? He was slipping over.

Why didn’t the dog want to wrestle??

He was a boxer.

Teacher asked a little kid "how old is your dad"?
Kid - "6 years old Miss"
Teacher - how can he be 6 years old?

Kid- he became a dad when I was born. 😎

DAD: today am not okay, am feeling dizzy and seeing stars 🌟 🌟
SON: have you seen the doctor?
DAD:no, only stars.

Went to the local store to get some screws.
He said how long do you want them ?
I said I was hoping to keep them.

How do trains eat?

Chew chew chew.....

Kid: "Dad what's leather made from?"
Dad: "Hide".
Kid: "What???"
Dad: "Hide... a cows outside".
Kid: "I'm not afraid of a cow..."

Son: Dad, where do you work?
Me: I hunt extraterrestrials
Son: Extraterrestrials don't exist!
Me: Have you seen one?
Son: No...
Me: You're welcome...

Son: Where are my sunglasses?
Dad: I don't know... where are my dadglasses?

What does a snowman take when hes feeling ill?

A chill pill.

What kind of cup doesn't hold water? Cupcake.

Son: "Dad, why are you wearing a suit made of crackers?"

Dad: "I'm puttin' on the ritz!"

What’s the difference between a foot and a camera?
The foot has five toes.
The camera has photos.

How do Brazilians get ready for bed?
They put their paj-amazon!

What noise annoys an oyster?
Any noise annoys an oyster but a noisy noise annoys an oyster most.

Why did the sun go to school?
To get brighter.

I asked my Dad why he decided to buy a boat?

He said "There was a sail."

Son: Dad, for $20 I will be good.
Dad: Oh yeah! When I was your age, I was good for nothing.

My daughter asked me what "inexplicable" means.
I said "It's hard to explain."

Dad: Question everything.

Son: Why?

Daughter: “Daddy, why didn’t I get a sunburn?”
Dad: “You can’t, honey?”
Daughter: “Really?”
Dad: “You can only get a daughterburn.”

What's pink and fluffy?
Pink fluf.
What's blue and fluffy?
Pink fluf holding its breath.

I USED TO BE A MAKE-UP ARTIST IN THE MOVIES SON.
REALLY DAD?
NO, NOT REALLY, I JUST MADE IT UP.

What cat should you never play cards with? A Cheetah!

Restaurant hostess: Do you have reservations?
Dad: No, I'm confident I want to eat here.

My son, a dentist, won the Dentist of The Year Award, but all he got was a little plaque.

My dad always said I loved alphabet soup growing up.
But really it was just him putting words in my mouth.

Bought a new shrub trimmer today! I proudly it showed my son, "Check this out!"
He replied, "That's great, dad." I said..."It's cutting hedge technology!"

I used to know a deaf fisherman.
He wore a herring aid.

What is the best season to jump on a trampoline? - Springtime.

What did the hammer say when he accomplished something?
Nailed it.

My dad once told me to always remember that I am unique just like everyone else.

I did a kids workout yesterday and I’m really feeling it in my head, shoulders, knees and toes.

Why is blue the best color?
It's cyan-tifically proven.

What is made of leather, a foot long, and sounds like a sneeze? A shoe.

What runs around a yard with out moving?
A fence.

You know what kind of outfit a house wears?
Address!

I've decided to make an elite army of babies.

I'll call them The Infantry.

Can a match box?
No, but a tin can.

What kind of tea do astronauts not drink in space? Gravi-Tea!

Every time my son asks me to put his shoes on, I tell him they won’t fit me.

What kind of vitamin improves your eyesight?

Vitamin see!

I’m entering the worlds tightest hat competition.

Just hope I can pull it off.

How do train passengers eat their food?
They choo choo it!

My kid ran over my foot with his bicycle.
I had to lay down, I was just "two tired".

Son: Dad someone said you sound like an Owl.
Dad: Who?

My wife tried to apply at the post office but they wouldn’t letter. They said only mails work here....😂

What word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it?

Short.

What do they sing at a snowman's birthday party?

Freeze a jolly good fellow....

My son’s new coach is a 7 foot tall former NBA star. He’s not a very good coach, but everyone still
looks up to him.

Which is faster, hot or cold?

Hot, because you can catch a cold.

When I moved into my new igloo my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I'm homeless.

I love going outdoors... It's much safer than going outwindows.

Why was the lamp not heavy?

Because it's light.

''Dad, there's a man at the door with a bald head''
''Tell him i've got one''

What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?
Are you having a crisis?

My daughter told me she saw a deer on the way to school.

Me: “How do you know it was going to school?”

I gave my girlfriend a pendant with a picture of me inside it.
I’m Independent.

What does Italian ghost eat?
Spookghetti

I decided to read my dictionary in bed last night but I didn't finish it.
I got up to P.

"I have a split personality," said Tom, being frank.

Why are kids so good at Minecraft?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Because they're minors.

Sometimes I tuck my knees up to my chest and lean forward... That's just how I roll.

My dad worked 10 hours a day to put food on the table.
Great dad
But a really slow cook.

All day I drill holes in metal and bolt them together.

At first it's boring, then it's riveting.

I just found out they won't be making 12 inch rulers any longer.

I just released my own dad fragrance.

Nobody else in the car seemed to like it.

I came out to my Car this morning, and it was completely covered in fallen leaves..
..you could call it an Autumnobile now!

If a father in Iraq gifts his daughter a new bag, what will she say?
Thanks for the Baghdad!

i once fell in love with a girl that only knew 4 vowels.

unfortunately she didn't know i existed.