Dad Jokes: Laugh, Cringe and Share with the Family!

My dad always insisted on feeding me alphabet soup…it wasn’t till years later I realised he was just putting words into my mouth.

what do you call a crying cow?
mooody.

Dad's do NOT snore! We simply dream we're a motorcycle.

How do you count cows?
With a cowculator.

How do you train to be a pirate?
You have to attend a semin-arrrgh.

What kind of house weighs the least?
A lighthouse.

Dad: Do you know the word STOP?
Kid: Yes
Dad: Spell it
Kid: S-T-O-P
Dad: IT. I asked you to spell IT

What kind of boat do talkative people sail? A chatamaran.

What kind of newspaper do cows read

The moo York times.

What kind of newspaper do cows read

The moo York times.

Dad yelling: Has anyone seen my hammerfor
Me: What the heck’s a hammerfor?
Dad: Knocking in nails!

It’s a fact that most people won’t make an appointment to see the dentist until after 2:30.

My son said to me "is it Summer out in the ocean?", i said "do yo mean the sea son"

What tastes better than it smells?
A tongue!

Have you got bills to pay? If you do, please give it back. He looks silly bald.

I dropped some mint candy on my foot, now i have a tic-tac toe.

Why don't you see the energizer bunny's dad?

He went to the shop to get some milk and kept going, and going, and going.

A truck carrying a load of candy crashed! It was a candy crush!

What do you get when you cross an angry sheep and an angry cow?
Two animals in a baaaaaaad moooooood.

What did the orange say to the lemon??
Hello lemon.

If Noah wanted to save the dinosaurs, he should have buit the jurassic ark.

What kind of key opens a banana?
A monkey!!!

Q: Why did the lawn mower quit it's job?
A: It was tired of being pushed around.

Where do crows go to clean up?
The Caw-Wash.

The invisible man came up to me and started telling me some great big lies -
but I could see right through him.

You would think that being a submarine captain would pay well, but I hear they can’t keep their heads above water.

A store was selling paddles 2 for 1. Everyone went crazy. Lineups galore. Almost started a riot. I guess it was a big oar deal.

Why did the giant rip off the top of a mountain?
He wanted to take a peak.

Mother hens show their chicks how to behave by setting a good eggsample.

What do you call a pea that's in a bad mood? Grumpy.

How do chickens understand things? They use hencyclopedias.

What do you call a smart sun?
Bright.

Why did the banana stay the night at his friends house? He was slipping over.

Why didn’t the dog want to wrestle??

He was a boxer.

Teacher asked a little kid "how old is your dad"?
Kid - "6 years old Miss"
Teacher - how can he be 6 years old?

Kid- he became a dad when I was born. 😎

DAD: today am not okay, am feeling dizzy and seeing stars 🌟 🌟
SON: have you seen the doctor?
DAD:no, only stars.

Went to the local store to get some screws.
He said how long do you want them ?
I said I was hoping to keep them.

How do trains eat?

Chew chew chew.....

Kid: "Dad what's leather made from?"
Dad: "Hide".
Kid: "What???"
Dad: "Hide... a cows outside".
Kid: "I'm not afraid of a cow..."

Son: Dad, where do you work?
Me: I hunt extraterrestrials
Son: Extraterrestrials don't exist!
Me: Have you seen one?
Son: No...
Me: You're welcome...

Son: Where are my sunglasses?
Dad: I don't know... where are my dadglasses?

What does a snowman take when hes feeling ill?

A chill pill.

What kind of cup doesn't hold water? Cupcake.

Son: "Dad, why are you wearing a suit made of crackers?"

Dad: "I'm puttin' on the ritz!"

What’s the difference between a foot and a camera?
The foot has five toes.
The camera has photos.

How do Brazilians get ready for bed?
They put their paj-amazon!

What noise annoys an oyster?
Any noise annoys an oyster but a noisy noise annoys an oyster most.

Why did the sun go to school?
To get brighter.

I asked my Dad why he decided to buy a boat?

He said "There was a sail."

Son: Dad, for $20 I will be good.
Dad: Oh yeah! When I was your age, I was good for nothing.

My daughter asked me what "inexplicable" means.
I said "It's hard to explain."

Dad: Question everything.

Son: Why?

Daughter: “Daddy, why didn’t I get a sunburn?”
Dad: “You can’t, honey?”
Daughter: “Really?”
Dad: “You can only get a daughterburn.”

What's pink and fluffy?
Pink fluf.
What's blue and fluffy?
Pink fluf holding its breath.

I USED TO BE A MAKE-UP ARTIST IN THE MOVIES SON.
REALLY DAD?
NO, NOT REALLY, I JUST MADE IT UP.

What cat should you never play cards with? A Cheetah!

Restaurant hostess: Do you have reservations?
Dad: No, I'm confident I want to eat here.

My son, a dentist, won the Dentist of The Year Award, but all he got was a little plaque.

My dad always said I loved alphabet soup growing up.
But really it was just him putting words in my mouth.

Bought a new shrub trimmer today! I proudly it showed my son, "Check this out!"
He replied, "That's great, dad." I said..."It's cutting hedge technology!"

I used to know a deaf fisherman.
He wore a herring aid.

What is the best season to jump on a trampoline? - Springtime.

What did the hammer say when he accomplished something?
Nailed it.

My dad once told me to always remember that I am unique just like everyone else.

I did a kids workout yesterday and I’m really feeling it in my head, shoulders, knees and toes.

Why is blue the best color?
It's cyan-tifically proven.

What is made of leather, a foot long, and sounds like a sneeze? A shoe.

What runs around a yard with out moving?
A fence.

You know what kind of outfit a house wears?
Address!

I've decided to make an elite army of babies.

I'll call them The Infantry.

Can a match box?
No, but a tin can.

What kind of tea do astronauts not drink in space? Gravi-Tea!

Every time my son asks me to put his shoes on, I tell him they won’t fit me.

What kind of vitamin improves your eyesight?

Vitamin see!

I’m entering the worlds tightest hat competition.

Just hope I can pull it off.

How do train passengers eat their food?
They choo choo it!

My kid ran over my foot with his bicycle.
I had to lay down, I was just "two tired".

Son: Dad someone said you sound like an Owl.
Dad: Who?

My wife tried to apply at the post office but they wouldn’t letter. They said only mails work here....😂

What word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it?

Short.