Random dad joke:
If your dentist fixed your cavities with different colors, would you be ok with that, or would you have..
Selected dad jokes:
I saw two policemen chasing a person who had just stolen a board game of little value.
It was a really trivial pursuit.
Just had a meal in the new Titanic Restaurant, It didn't go down well. it was a disaster!
Went to a psychics convention earlier today. It wasnt fun, all the psychics were either mad or depressed. There was no happy medium.
What do you call a pea that's in a bad mood? Grumpy.
More dad jokes...
Q: Why did the lawn mower quit it's job?
A: It was tired of being pushed around.
Where do crows go to clean up?
The invisible man came up to me and started telling me some great big lies -
but I could see right through him.
You would think that being a submarine captain would pay well, but I hear they can’t keep their heads above water.
A store was selling paddles 2 for 1. Everyone went crazy. Lineups galore. Almost started a riot. I guess it was a big oar deal.
Why did the giant rip off the top of a mountain?
He wanted to take a peak.
Mother hens show their chicks how to behave by setting a good eggsample.
What do you call a pea that's in a bad mood? Grumpy.
How do chickens understand things? They use hencyclopedias.
What do you call a smart sun?
Why did the banana stay the night at his friends house? He was slipping over.
Why didn’t the dog want to wrestle??
He was a boxer.
Teacher asked a little kid "how old is your dad"?
Kid - "6 years old Miss"
Teacher - how can he be 6 years old?
Kid- he became a dad when I was born. 😎
DAD: today am not okay, am feeling dizzy and seeing stars 🌟 🌟
SON: have you seen the doctor?
DAD:no, only stars.
Went to the local store to get some screws.
He said how long do you want them ?
I said I was hoping to keep them.
How do trains eat?
Chew chew chew.....
Kid: "Dad what's leather made from?"
Dad: "Hide... a cows outside".
Kid: "I'm not afraid of a cow..."
Son: Dad, where do you work?
Me: I hunt extraterrestrials
Son: Extraterrestrials don't exist!
Me: Have you seen one?
Me: You're welcome...
Son: Where are my sunglasses?
Dad: I don't know... where are my dadglasses?
What does a snowman take when hes feeling ill?
A chill pill.
What kind of cup doesn't hold water? Cupcake.
Son: "Dad, why are you wearing a suit made of crackers?"
Dad: "I'm puttin' on the ritz!"
What’s the difference between a foot and a camera?
The foot has five toes.
The camera has photos.
How do Brazilians get ready for bed?
They put their paj-amazon!
What noise annoys an oyster?
Any noise annoys an oyster but a noisy noise annoys an oyster most.
Why did the sun go to school?
To get brighter.
I asked my Dad why he decided to buy a boat?
He said "There was a sail."
Son: Dad, for $20 I will be good.
Dad: Oh yeah! When I was your age, I was good for nothing.
My daughter asked me what "inexplicable" means.
I said "It's hard to explain."
Dad: Question everything.
Daughter: “Daddy, why didn’t I get a sunburn?”
Dad: “You can’t, honey?”
Dad: “You can only get a daughterburn.”
What's pink and fluffy?
What's blue and fluffy?
Pink fluf holding its breath.
I USED TO BE A MAKE-UP ARTIST IN THE MOVIES SON.
NO, NOT REALLY, I JUST MADE IT UP.
What cat should you never play cards with? A Cheetah!
Restaurant hostess: Do you have reservations?
Dad: No, I'm confident I want to eat here.
My son, a dentist, won the Dentist of The Year Award, but all he got was a little plaque.
My dad always said I loved alphabet soup growing up.
But really it was just him putting words in my mouth.
Bought a new shrub trimmer today! I proudly it showed my son, "Check this out!"
He replied, "That's great, dad." I said..."It's cutting hedge technology!"
I used to know a deaf fisherman.
He wore a herring aid.
What is the best season to jump on a trampoline? - Springtime.
What did the hammer say when he accomplished something?
My dad once told me to always remember that I am unique just like everyone else.
I did a kids workout yesterday and I’m really feeling it in my head, shoulders, knees and toes.
Why is blue the best color?
It's cyan-tifically proven.
What is made of leather, a foot long, and sounds like a sneeze? A shoe.
What runs around a yard with out moving?
You know what kind of outfit a house wears?
I've decided to make an elite army of babies.
I'll call them The Infantry.
Can a match box?
No, but a tin can.
What kind of tea do astronauts not drink in space? Gravi-Tea!
Every time my son asks me to put his shoes on, I tell him they won’t fit me.
What kind of vitamin improves your eyesight?
I’m entering the worlds tightest hat competition.
Just hope I can pull it off.
How do train passengers eat their food?
They choo choo it!
My kid ran over my foot with his bicycle.
I had to lay down, I was just "two tired".
Son: Dad someone said you sound like an Owl.
My wife tried to apply at the post office but they wouldn’t letter. They said only mails work here....😂
What word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it?
What do they sing at a snowman's birthday party?
Freeze a jolly good fellow....
My son’s new coach is a 7 foot tall former NBA star. He’s not a very good coach, but everyone still
looks up to him.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
When I moved into my new igloo my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I'm homeless.
I love going outdoors... It's much safer than going outwindows.
Why was the lamp not heavy?
Because it's light.
''Dad, there's a man at the door with a bald head''
''Tell him i've got one''
What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?
Are you having a crisis?
My daughter told me she saw a deer on the way to school.
Me: “How do you know it was going to school?”
I gave my girlfriend a pendant with a picture of me inside it.
What does Italian ghost eat?
I decided to read my dictionary in bed last night but I didn't finish it.
I got up to P.
"I have a split personality," said Tom, being frank.
Why are kids so good at Minecraft?
Because they're minors.
Sometimes I tuck my knees up to my chest and lean forward... That's just how I roll.
My dad worked 10 hours a day to put food on the table.
But a really slow cook.
All day I drill holes in metal and bolt them together.
At first it's boring, then it's riveting.
I just found out they won't be making 12 inch rulers any longer.
I just released my own dad fragrance.
Nobody else in the car seemed to like it.
I came out to my Car this morning, and it was completely covered in fallen leaves..
..you could call it an Autumnobile now!
If a father in Iraq gifts his daughter a new bag, what will she say?
Thanks for the Baghdad!
i once fell in love with a girl that only knew 4 vowels.
unfortunately she didn't know i existed.