Dad Jokes: Laugh, Cringe and Share with the Family!

When I moved into my new igloo my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I'm homeless.

I love going outdoors... It's much safer than going outwindows.

Why was the lamp not heavy?

Because it's light.

''Dad, there's a man at the door with a bald head''
''Tell him i've got one''

What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?
Are you having a crisis?

My daughter told me she saw a deer on the way to school.

Me: “How do you know it was going to school?”

I gave my girlfriend a pendant with a picture of me inside it.
I’m Independent.

What does Italian ghost eat?
Spookghetti

I decided to read my dictionary in bed last night but I didn't finish it.
I got up to P.

"I have a split personality," said Tom, being frank.

Why are kids so good at Minecraft?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Because they're minors.

Sometimes I tuck my knees up to my chest and lean forward... That's just how I roll.

My dad worked 10 hours a day to put food on the table.
Great dad
But a really slow cook.

All day I drill holes in metal and bolt them together.

At first it's boring, then it's riveting.

I just found out they won't be making 12 inch rulers any longer.

I just released my own dad fragrance.

Nobody else in the car seemed to like it.

I came out to my Car this morning, and it was completely covered in fallen leaves..
..you could call it an Autumnobile now!

If a father in Iraq gifts his daughter a new bag, what will she say?
Thanks for the Baghdad!

i once fell in love with a girl that only knew 4 vowels.

unfortunately she didn't know i existed.

Why was the king only 12 inches tall?
.. because he was a ruler.

I just cut down a tree just by looking at it.
It's true, I saw it with my own eyes.

100 years ago, most people had a horse and only the rich had cars. Today, most people have a car and only the rich have horses.
The stables have turned.

Why was the comforter sad?
It was down.

I've an idea for a new telly show...it's called 'Doctor Whom'. An English teacher travels through time correcting people's grammar...

Shout out to all those asking what the opposite of in is!

- Добро пожаловать в наше арт-пространство!
- Это же просто ссаный подвал!
- Лофт...
- Там в углу крысы доедают наркомана!
- Это инсталляция!

I topped my pasta today with cheese using a device once owned by Hitler and Saddam Hussein, the grater of two evils.

You know, it always makes me think back when I hear the word...

...spine.
🤔

You have $400.

Your son texts you and asks for $200.
Your daughter then texts and asks for $150.

How much do you have left??

$400 and two unread texts..

What did Spartacus say when the lion ate his wife?
Nothing. He was gladiator.

My house is haunted by the ghost of an angry chicken.
It’s a poultrygeist!

I've invented a new type of Fire Extinguisher but I can't see it setting the World on fire.

I've been trying to put a Turban on for the last hour but I just can't wrap my head around it!

Being bald is like being in heaven.

There's no dyeing.

Why do witches wear name tags?
To know which witch is which.

I'm not going to lie, my bed is broken 🙄

- "Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"
- No sun.

What starts with a 't' ends with a 't' and is full of 't' ?
A teapot.

Just had a meal in the new Titanic Restaurant, It didn't go down well. it was a disaster!

"dad why are you standing outside?"
"So if anyone asks, I'm outstanding."

I'm sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.

I don't tell Dad jokes, but when I do, he likes them.

What did the cake say to the knife?
You want a piece of me?

It's inappropriate to make a 'dad joke' if you're not a dad.
It’s a faux pa.

I want my coffee my way, said Frank Sumatra.

I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday, it caused immense pain to ma toes.

I dig, you dig, he digs, she digs we dig, they dig.
It’s not a long poem, but it’s deep.

I've been trying to organise a Hide and Seek tournament for some time, but it's not easy.
Good players are hard to find.

Why aren't koalas actual bears?
They don't meet the koalifications.

Why is your nose in the middle of your face?
Because it’s your scenter!

Grandma forwarded me a fantastic recipe for cooked pork and ham. She says she finds them all the time in her Spam folder.

Ben: "Dad, there is a hole in my shoe."
Dad: "Yes, Ben, that's where you put your foot."

Vampire dad "You ok?"

Vampire son "yeah why?"

Vampire dad "last night I heard coffin" 🤣🤣🤣

I couldn’t figure out why my coffee taste like dirt. My daughter said it was “ground” this morning.

I passed my insect identification exam.
I got a bee.

I warned my Son about using his whistle in the house! I gave him one last chance..

...but he blew it!!🤣

"Dad, what's a forklift?"
"Food, usually."

Just passed a man walking down the street saying
"1,3,5,7,9,1,3,5,7,9"
And i thought to myself "that's odd!!"

You can never "not see" a giraffe coz its always spotted.

I saw two policemen chasing a person who had just stolen a board game of little value.
It was a really trivial pursuit.

There was an equine animal in my yard at 1 am last night. I wasn't sure whether to call it a dark horse or a night mare.

People have different reactions when experiencing great heights in the sky...At•most•fear

Did you know that if an eagle gets sick it cannot be treated. It’s ill-eagle!

Why is the letter B so cool?
Because it's sitting in the middle of the AC!

A Priest, a minister and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.....
The rabbit says, I think I might be a type o

Just seen a cat and a hedge hog fighting.....
I think the hedge hog was winning on points.

I don’t trust those trees, son.
Son: why not?
They seem kind of.... shady.

Our orthodontics professor didn’t gum to class today, so we braced ourselves for a substi•tooth teacher.

So a guy went to a zoo on his day off. There were no animals there besides one dog. It was a Shit Tzu.

How do you invite a dinosaur to lunch?
Tea, Rex?

I heard the government is putting chips into people? I hope I get BBQ.

I saw a pigeon having a game
Of chess with a bird with a big beak. I thought “toucan play at that game.

What do you call a deer with no eye?
~no idea~
What do you call a deer with no eye and no legs?
~still no idea~

I asked my dad, “Can we get some pets?”

He said: “No, pets are just a step backwards.”

What has three letters and starts with gas?
A car.

I hate when my wife gets mad at me for being lazy.

It’s not like I did anything.

My mate bet me I couldn't think of a joke about a Flower...
But I Rose to the challenge.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

Guess where the fish keep their money?
In a river bank..

The local nudist beach has been shut down.
There's a big sign saying "Sorry, we're Clothed".