Random dad joke:
My buddy got a dog and asked me if I had anything to help him. I gave him a rope.
Its the leash I could do.
Selected dad jokes:
What noise annoys an oyster?
Any noise annoys an oyster but a noisy noise annoys an oyster most.
My son video called me this morning. He said “Dad, couldn’t you have given me a better name than video?"
I managed to build a car completely from washing machine parts!
Tomorrow I’m taking it for a spin.
The difference between a crocodile and an alligator depends on whether you see them in a little while or you see them later. 🐊
More dad jokes...
Why was the king only 12 inches tall?
.. because he was a ruler.
I just cut down a tree just by looking at it.
It's true, I saw it with my own eyes.
100 years ago, most people had a horse and only the rich had cars. Today, most people have a car and only the rich have horses.
The stables have turned.
Why was the comforter sad?
It was down.
I've an idea for a new telly show...it's called 'Doctor Whom'. An English teacher travels through time correcting people's grammar...
Shout out to all those asking what the opposite of in is!
- Добро пожаловать в наше арт-пространство!
- Это же просто ссаный подвал!
- Там в углу крысы доедают наркомана!
- Это инсталляция!
I topped my pasta today with cheese using a device once owned by Hitler and Saddam Hussein, the grater of two evils.
You know, it always makes me think back when I hear the word...
You have $400.
Your son texts you and asks for $200.
Your daughter then texts and asks for $150.
How much do you have left??
$400 and two unread texts..
What did Spartacus say when the lion ate his wife?
Nothing. He was gladiator.
My house is haunted by the ghost of an angry chicken.
It’s a poultrygeist!
I've invented a new type of Fire Extinguisher but I can't see it setting the World on fire.
I've been trying to put a Turban on for the last hour but I just can't wrap my head around it!
Being bald is like being in heaven.
There's no dyeing.
Why do witches wear name tags?
To know which witch is which.
I'm not going to lie, my bed is broken 🙄
- "Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"
- No sun.
What starts with a 't' ends with a 't' and is full of 't' ?
Just had a meal in the new Titanic Restaurant, It didn't go down well. it was a disaster!
"dad why are you standing outside?"
"So if anyone asks, I'm outstanding."
I'm sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
I don't tell Dad jokes, but when I do, he likes them.
What did the cake say to the knife?
You want a piece of me?
It's inappropriate to make a 'dad joke' if you're not a dad.
It’s a faux pa.
I want my coffee my way, said Frank Sumatra.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday, it caused immense pain to ma toes.
I dig, you dig, he digs, she digs we dig, they dig.
It’s not a long poem, but it’s deep.
I've been trying to organise a Hide and Seek tournament for some time, but it's not easy.
Good players are hard to find.
Why aren't koalas actual bears?
They don't meet the koalifications.
Why is your nose in the middle of your face?
Because it’s your scenter!
Grandma forwarded me a fantastic recipe for cooked pork and ham. She says she finds them all the time in her Spam folder.
Ben: "Dad, there is a hole in my shoe."
Dad: "Yes, Ben, that's where you put your foot."
Vampire dad "You ok?"
Vampire son "yeah why?"
Vampire dad "last night I heard coffin" 🤣🤣🤣
I couldn’t figure out why my coffee taste like dirt. My daughter said it was “ground” this morning.
I passed my insect identification exam.
I got a bee.
I warned my Son about using his whistle in the house! I gave him one last chance..
...but he blew it!!🤣
"Dad, what's a forklift?"
Just passed a man walking down the street saying
And i thought to myself "that's odd!!"
You can never "not see" a giraffe coz its always spotted.
I saw two policemen chasing a person who had just stolen a board game of little value.
It was a really trivial pursuit.
There was an equine animal in my yard at 1 am last night. I wasn't sure whether to call it a dark horse or a night mare.
People have different reactions when experiencing great heights in the sky...At•most•fear
Did you know that if an eagle gets sick it cannot be treated. It’s ill-eagle!
Why is the letter B so cool?
Because it's sitting in the middle of the AC!
A Priest, a minister and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.....
The rabbit says, I think I might be a type o
Just seen a cat and a hedge hog fighting.....
I think the hedge hog was winning on points.
I don’t trust those trees, son.
Son: why not?
They seem kind of.... shady.
Our orthodontics professor didn’t gum to class today, so we braced ourselves for a substi•tooth teacher.
So a guy went to a zoo on his day off. There were no animals there besides one dog. It was a Shit Tzu.
How do you invite a dinosaur to lunch?
I heard the government is putting chips into people? I hope I get BBQ.
I saw a pigeon having a game
Of chess with a bird with a big beak. I thought “toucan play at that game.
What do you call a deer with no eye?
What do you call a deer with no eye and no legs?
~still no idea~
I asked my dad, “Can we get some pets?”
He said: “No, pets are just a step backwards.”
What has three letters and starts with gas?
I hate when my wife gets mad at me for being lazy.
It’s not like I did anything.
My mate bet me I couldn't think of a joke about a Flower...
But I Rose to the challenge.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
Guess where the fish keep their money?
In a river bank..
The local nudist beach has been shut down.
There's a big sign saying "Sorry, we're Clothed".
Which would you rather be, or a wasp?
What do u call two birds in love?
Apparently, there is a new movie about fishing being produced.
It has a great cast.
Somebody stole my car tyres.
Now it's not working, it must be retired.
I bought a new calculator the other day, the + button seems to be missing,
It just doesn’t add up.
If you put toppings on ice cream, and it melts, and they drop to the bottom, are they still toppings or are they now droppings?
I was going to tell you a joke about cows.
But I bet you've already herd it.
There's a new thieve who wears a hood.
He's Robbin every shop .
What does a lazy tailor say?
A flea and a fly in a flue were imprisoned; so what could they do? Said the flea let us fly, said the fly let us flee. So they flew through a flaw in the flue.
Due to the current economic situation, I've decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It's not my full time job.
I'm just doing it to make hens meet.
I saw my neighbour stealing my socks off my washing line.
I was going to confront him but I got cold feet.
While heading to the heart of the city, we noticed highway workers doing bypass surgery.
My wife and I met on a website for dolphin impersonators.
We clicked straight away.
I'm having frozen eggs for breakfast. They’re hard to beat.
My Grandad died in a washing machine.
At least he died in comfort.
I lost my mood ring, I don't know how to feel about it!
The best way to communicate with a fish is to drop it a line!
I heard in the news someone stole the wheels off all the police cars.
Police are working tirelessly to catch him.