Random weird joke:
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"
I replied "No..."
She responded: "How about now?"
Selected weird jokes:
You should never attempt Pottery when you're tired.
Last time I tried I almost fell asleep at the wheel.
How did the pillow avoid jail time? He had a strong case.
Big shout out to my arms....for always being at my side.
I met my wife on the net; we were both bad trapeze artists.
More weird jokes...
I took a urine test at the hospital yesterday.
My kleptomania is out of control.
Life is basically avoiding people who have seen you naked whilst trying to find new people to see you naked.
Me: I think you may have an unhealthy attachment.
Girlfriend, trying to breastfeed our dog: Why?
Gender reveals are pointless now days.
“OMG ITS A BOY"
12 years later James is now Jessica with a penis.
Lots of people want chicken fingers.
But a very few wants to finger chickens.
The cross-eyed circumciser was so bad, he got the sack.
You’ve heard of a 69, but have you heard of a 71?
It’s like a 69 , but with two watching.
The pregnant woman who couldn't sing wasn't using her diaphragm properly.
At a certain age "Being good in bed" simply means not snoring...
Just got an email from a necrophiliac wishing me dead.
Hey, thanks for the compliment!
What’s the difference between necrofilia and choking fetish?
Every time I see a set of twins, I always ask them: Which one of you is the unplanned one?
What’s the policy for the buffet at the orgy?
First Come First Serve.
I have a foot fetish...
I have tried using meters but it just doesn't work for me.
I found my first grey pubic hair today..
Normally things like that don't bother me...
But this was in my Big Mac..
I'm no Magician but I once turned a back rub into 2 kids and a mortgage.
I watched a documentary about the bikini last night.
It was in two parts. It didn’t cover much.
I feel uncomfortable around short people..what if they bite my knees.
Do you know what is the worst part about being an egg?
You get laid only once.
You know why ladies don't wear mini skirts in the winter?
Cause they'll get chapped lips
I was informed about a documentary on Netflix about the clitoris
I couldn’t find it.
I just found out you can get Botox for your ballsack to get all the wrinkles out.
Pretty nuts, right?
If women had apostrophes instead of periods they’d be a lot more possessive.
You know what catches my eye... Short People with umbrellas .
What do you call a sex scene between two trans people?
Some people say it is hard being a hostage. I could do it with my hands tied behind my back.
I was engaged to a boy with a wooden leg.
I got angry and broke it off.
What do you get if you dip your balls in ice cream?
"Babe is it in?" "Yea." "Does it hurt?" "Uh huh." "Let me put it in slowly." "It still hurts." "Okay, let's try another shoe size."
Why is the ocean so angry?
You'd be angry too if you had crabs all over your bottom......:-)
"First learn the meaning of what you say, and then speak."
I don't know about you guys. But I would never work in a tampon factory, PERIOD!
What do you call the testicles of a peacock? His peanuts.
If I'm holding a cricket ball in each hand, what do I have?
A really huge cricket.
I dreamt last night that I knighted a fish...
it was Sir eel.
Every time you light a lighter, your lighter gets lighter until your lighter gets so light it won't light.
Me: Are You Bi ?
Her: Yeah, i am.
Me: Have you told your parents ?
Her: Yes. Why are you asking ?
Me: That must’ve taken them.. bi surprise.
What's the similarity between a camera and a condom?
They're both used to catch those special moments.
Why did the naked man take the elevator?
He couldn't take the stares.
What did the elephant say to a naked man in a zoo?
Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?
What do bisexuals say when they separate?
Pros & Cons of making kids...
What do you call a superhero with a bad sense of direction? Wander Woman.
They say the first thirty minutes are always the hardest in a nudist colony.
A boy to his dad: "What's polygamy?"
"Go ask your mothers", he said.
Why should you never fight Destiny?
Because then you will have to fight the bouncers, and every other stripper in the club.
How much does a midget stripper with three kids get paid?
I tried to give myself a sex change, but couldn't quite pull it off.
I wouldn’t kill so many house plants if they would just learn to scream for food and water like my kids and pets do.
The Police just left. Apparently, I AM allowed to walk around my house naked.
HOWEVER, I have to do it inside.
I think a polygamist just asked me to marry him. I bet I just didn’t harem right.
I told everyone at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I won't have to talk to them.
Why do tampons have strings?
So the crabs can bunkee jump!
Jack had a stable relationship with his horse. No nagging problems at all.
It’s always awkward the first time you hold hands with someone... because they usually want to know who you are and why you just grabbed them.
I asked a guy at the station when the next train was coming?
He said Have a look online!
I said Thats kinda dangerous isnt it?
I was reprimanded at my job today at the sunscreen manufacturing plant when I asked for help. My supervisor said that I need to learn to apply myself.
I was watching TV and an ad for a new wireless bra came on. I didn't know they were electric.
I was a man stuck in a woman's body.
Then I was born.
Once I forgot to bring my ventriloquist dummy to a show and I had use a voodoo doll of myself.
It was a pain in the hole.
I have always licked my knife when I've finished. This gets some very shocked looks from the other surgeons.
There was a brothel and the workers were all dwarfs. It was losing business though, as the main gigolo had an issue with premature ejactulation.
I guess it was just a shortcoming.
I called the premature ejaculation support group to find out what the dress code was.
Apparently, most members just come in their pants.
I often start a conversation with a girl by saying, "I just snorted cocaine off my foot."
Cheesiest line ever.
My inflatable house got a puncture last night.
Now I'm living in a flat.
Six more people have been hit over the head with aroma-free purple flowers. I am so tired of all the scentless violets these days.
I went to a disco last night. They played The Twist, I did the Twist. They played Jump, I jumped. They played Come on Eileen...I got kicked out for that one.
Q: Why did it take Thor so long to find his brother?
A: He couldn’t Lokite him.
From this babysitter website , I selected this gorgeous 19 yr old Swedish exchange student who has an amazing rack to watch over my kid tonight .
Does anyone have a baby or a toddler to spare for a few hours ?
Rent a man a helicopter, he will fly for a day.
Throw him off the flying helicopter and he will fly for the rest of his life ...