Weird Jokes: Bizarre Humor for Adventurous Minds.

I told everyone at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I won't have to talk to them.

Why do tampons have strings?

So the crabs can bunkee jump!

Jack had a stable relationship with his horse. No nagging problems at all.

It’s always awkward the first time you hold hands with someone... because they usually want to know who you are and why you just grabbed them.

I asked a guy at the station when the next train was coming?

He said Have a look online!

I said Thats kinda dangerous isnt it?

I was reprimanded at my job today at the sunscreen manufacturing plant when I asked for help. My supervisor said that I need to learn to apply myself.

I was watching TV and an ad for a new wireless bra came on. I didn't know they were electric.

I was a man stuck in a woman's body.
Then I was born.

Once I forgot to bring my ventriloquist dummy to a show and I had use a voodoo doll of myself.
It was a pain in the hole.

I have always licked my knife when I've finished. This gets some very shocked looks from the other surgeons.

There was a brothel and the workers were all dwarfs. It was losing business though, as the main gigolo had an issue with premature ejactulation.
I guess it was just a shortcoming.

I called the premature ejaculation support group to find out what the dress code was.
Apparently, most members just come in their pants.

I often start a conversation with a girl by saying, "I just snorted cocaine off my foot."

Cheesiest line ever.

My inflatable house got a puncture last night.

Now I'm living in a flat.

Six more people have been hit over the head with aroma-free purple flowers. I am so tired of all the scentless violets these days.

I went to a disco last night. They played The Twist, I did the Twist. They played Jump, I jumped. They played Come on Eileen...I got kicked out for that one.

Q: Why did it take Thor so long to find his brother?
A: He couldn’t Lokite him.

From this babysitter website , I selected this gorgeous 19 yr old Swedish exchange student who has an amazing rack to watch over my kid tonight .
Does anyone have a baby or a toddler to spare for a few hours ?

Rent a man a helicopter, he will fly for a day.
Throw him off the flying helicopter and he will fly for the rest of his life ...

I gave my Landlord an ear job to pay for rent this month.
I've got to say it wasn't as bad as it sounds.

"Hello, is this the anonymous FBI tip line?"
"Yes, Dave."

After the mailman was bitten in the crotch, he reported that a dog had stolen his package.

I've had myself waxed 'down there'.

...now my socks slide on real easy.

Meat cutter: “I have Asperger’s.”
Customer: “The syndrome?”
Meat cutter: “No, you misunderstood. I said Ass Burgers, ground rump roast!”

The Invisible Man lost a game in strip poker and no one even noticed.

I lived with a beautiful woman for 8 months.....and then she found me in her closet.

One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid group has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on .

I love putting on warm underwear fresh from the dryer, plus it’s fun to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to…

I sat in my haircutters chair and said “make me look sexy “.

She started drinking.

How much does a circumcisionist make?
$25.00 an hour plus tips.

I tried smelling mothballs once but I couldn't get their little legs apart.

My New Years resolution is to give up sexual innuendos.
Which is going to be extremely hard.

I'm starting to wish I were a werewolf so I'd have a better reason for waking up nude in public with no memory of how I got there.

My doctor said that I might die because I accidentally consumed clay.
I’m shitting bricks to be honest.

What’s the difference between Jelly and Jam?
You can’t jelly a stick up someone’s ass !

The worst feeling during a prostate exam is two hands on your shoulders.

My lip balm is a great lubricant.

~Me, flirting

Did you hear that McDonald’s is coming out with a McJackson burger? It’s a 50-year-old piece of meat in a 12-year-old bun.

What's worse than 2 girls running with scissors?

2 girls scissoring with the runs.

"Is it true you have a pair of goosefeather pants?"
"No, but occasionally my fly is down."

I have the heart of a saint. Also a lifetime ban from the Vatican.

"Throw your hands in the air like you just don't care!"

How I lost my job at a prosthetics factory.

Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?

If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.

I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I'm better than you, but I feel really bad about it

I will kiss you anywhere you want.
Except in Belgium.

I've found that nowadays most people don't like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don't know them.

When I kill a bug in my house, I leave the dead body around for a bit to warn the others.

Stalker: *startled* wh-what are you doing behind me?!

Me: I follow back.

What do you call a Mushroom with a long stalk?

A Fungi to be with.

When I get home the first thing I'm going to do is rip my wife's panties off. Because they're too small and the elastic is killing me.

You should never attempt Pottery when you're tired.
Last time I tried I almost fell asleep at the wheel.

Im developing a new fragrance for introverts

Its called Leave me the fuh cologne.

According to astronomy, when you wish upon a star, you're actually a few million years late. That star is dead. Just like your dreams.

What does a cannibal see in a pregnant woman?

A Kinder Surprise.

What did O say to Q?

Dude your junks hanging out.

I bought a box of Viagra teabags last night.

They do nothing for your sex life but they do stop your biscuit going soft when you dunk it.

Marriage is cool if you like sitting and enjoying music and relaxing and then having someone come along and fucking ruin it.

“What’s your favorite category on pornhub?”-Me, flirting

Is sex with me the best in the world? No. Will you be embarrassed about it tomorrow? Probably. Will you get a handwritten thank you note the next day? Most definitely.

There are so many scams on the Internet now...Send me $9.99 and I'll tell you how to avoid them!

The world is divided up into two groups of people. Those who think the world is divided up into two groups of people and those who do not.

Q: Why did the meditation teacher give no change when a student paid for a meditation cushion?
A: Because change has to come from within.

Introverts have fun too, we just don't care if you know...

I’m organising a charity ball next week for people who struggle to reach orgasm Just let me know if you can’t come.

People who make sound while eating food must be slapped without asking why.

A Russian invasion sounds scary, but at least we'll get to hear what the Russian Beatles sound like.

There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts.
It's called:

"Leave me the fuh cologne."

Me: I feel constantly tired.

Anxiety: It's probably a terminal illness.

Reality: It's called being an adult.

Her: I love a man that’s good with his fingers

Me: wanna watch me count to ten?

I’m no magician but I once turned a back rub into two kids and a mortgage.

The world is full of stupid people.
Or, as I usually call them, people.

I've had oysters once, and to be honest with you, that's the exact reason why I've never had oysters twice.

You never actually stop clapping, the time between claps just become longer.

When a pregnant woman goes swimming she is a human submarine.

Knocking on someone's door is just beating their house until they pay attention to you.

Relationship (definition): Two people who ask each other what's for dinner until one of them dies.

Blue Monday? Why’d they name Monday after my balls?

Me: I don't need to write it down. I'll remember

Narrator: She would not remember. In fact, she immediately forgot what it even was.