Weird Jokes: Bizarre Humor for Adventurous Minds.

I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts.
It's called:

"Leave me the fuh cologne."

Me: I feel constantly tired.

Anxiety: It's probably a terminal illness.

Reality: It's called being an adult.

Her: I love a man that’s good with his fingers

Me: wanna watch me count to ten?

I’m no magician but I once turned a back rub into two kids and a mortgage.

The world is full of stupid people.
Or, as I usually call them, people.

I've had oysters once, and to be honest with you, that's the exact reason why I've never had oysters twice.

You never actually stop clapping, the time between claps just become longer.

When a pregnant woman goes swimming she is a human submarine.

Knocking on someone's door is just beating their house until they pay attention to you.

Relationship (definition): Two people who ask each other what's for dinner until one of them dies.

Blue Monday? Why’d they name Monday after my balls?

Me: I don't need to write it down. I'll remember

Narrator: She would not remember. In fact, she immediately forgot what it even was.

I took a shower this morning. My kleptomania is officially out of control.

My husband's been hanging out at the gym.
I told him to wear bigger short.

If you think I wear overalls due to laziness, you really have no idea how often I have to pee.

Broke a nail sleeping if you are wondering what a badass I am.

The woman opposite called me a pervert earlier. I don't know why. Knowing she likes bird watching I asked her if she'd like to come over and have a look at my twelve finches.

Relationship status? Sleeping like a starfish in the middle of a king size bed.

You can’t force people to like you, but you sure can stop giving a fuck about it.

Tried to read the dictionary in bed last night...

Didn't finish it...

Got up to P.

When I asked the plastic surgeon to make my face more symmetrical I was really hoping for vertically.

FUN Fact:
A male ladybird can spend up to four hours mating with a dead female before realizing they are dead.

Just finished reading a book on sexual disorders, It had a surprising Climax.

So the birds have sex with the bees and then the birds head pops off? That’s how my dad explained it.

I can count the number of times Ive been to Chernobyl on one hand.

Its 13.

I bought a grenade today from a pawn shop.
Things went terribly wrong when the cashier asked for my PIN.

My problem most days is my fucks run out before the hours do.

I tried to cancel my membership to The Bondage Club.
Legally I couldn't, my hands were tied.

How warm is a baby just before their birth?
Womb temperature.

How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, ‘Ribbit, ribbit’ and a horny toad says, ‘Rub it, rub it.’

I just saw a very angry man jogging across a paddock.

I think he's one of those cross-country runners.

You’re kinda pretty.

Wanna see my basement pit?

What are kidnappers favorite shoes?

White vans.

If you take all of the arteries, veins, and capillaries in a human body and lay them end to end they will extend over 10,000 miles!

Also, it will definitely kill you!

Last night our friend Tom dropped his trousers at the dry cleaners.

From there it was a brief ride to the police station…

Surprise fire drill at the urology office today scared the piss out of everyone.

Friday night and im about to hit the gym!
Sorry typo, I meant gin.

Ever wondered why skeletons are so calm?
Prolly because nothing gets under their skin.

Officer, why do you say "full body cavity search" like it's a bad thing?

me: is it weird to talk to yourself?
me: No.

“You’ll be in my thoughts”

- People who will not have you in their thoughts

Phoned an insurance company for a quote, they said “Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.”

When people ask why I have a plastic bag in my coat pocket, I tell them that it’s in case I need to pick up poop. I never tell them that I have a dog, though. They don’t need that kind of detail.

Whenever I meet a girl with tattoos, I get excited.
Because I know she's legal, and willing to do stuff she may regret.

Won the Postman of the Year competition - absolutely mailed it! Now, I'll be expecting a far bigger post.

We have. Double door refrigerator. On the left side we keep the leftovers. Wanna guess what we keep on the right side?

"A man who fears suffering is already suffering from what he fears."
- Montaigne

I just wrote a song titled "Sperm"...

I'm going to release it myself.

- “Sorry, I’m running late. My chiropractor is about to try out some new back stretching techniques on me.”
- “Will you be much longer?”
- “No, just a couple of millimetres.”

I have a bumper sticker on my car saying "honk if you think I'm sexy."

Some days I just sit at a green light until I'm feeling good about myself.

Give gift certificates for colonoscopies.
They’re gifts from the bottom of your heart to the heart of someone’s bottom.

I am such a loser.
The last time I won anything I was still a sperm.

Why does everyone assume that just because I’m a 40 year old loser that I live in my parent’s basement?
My parents don’t have a basement. I live in my bedroom like a big boy.

You can call me a loser all you want but I know I'm a winner. Always have been one. Never lost a thing.
Not even my virginity.

Someone: describe your sex life in two words.

Me: my what?

I wanted to be a Flasher until I found out they don't get paid!
They just do it for the Exposure?!?

I just bought two fish and called one one and the other two...
When one dies I'll still have two.

I Hate That Feeling when you close your eyes to apply shampoo, and get paranoid that someone will kill you in the shower.

‘I like the way you scramble my eggs’

~me, flirting

I assume orgy etiquette is like silverware. You start on the outside and work your way in.

“I once visited a bookmakers in the Himalayas."

"Tibet?"

"Why else would I go?”

Why did the Mexican tie his wife to the railway track?

Tequila.

If someone asks me if I'm mad at them, it makes me wonder if I should be and I just don't know why yet.

DOES ANYONE KNOW how many AIR FRESHENERS are necessary to get rid of the dead body smell out of a basement? 🤔 Asking for a friend.

A few years ago I invented beach footwear for people with one leg.

It was a flop.

The difference between infatuation and obsession is stalking.

I was really mad when this UFO stole all of the food out of my kitchen, I guess you could say I felt alien-ate-it.

Bands who can't afford a smoke machine should hire me to cook at their concert.

There was a short scream from inside the suitcase.

“Brief?”

“OK, there was a scream from inside the BRIEFcase.”

You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

My fingers always go numb on the ride into work. I’m sure it’s carpool tunnel syndrome...

Mad hatter implies the existence of a just disappointed hatter.

fi yuo cna raed tihs whit no porlbem, yuo aer smrat. rtewete fi yuo aer smrat.

According to a recent survey, 98% of people responded with "Go away."

Wow, I just melted a piece of ice by staring at it.
Took a little longer than I thought it would.

Today I learned: You can't talk while inhaling through your nose.

When I'm in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they're safe.

Approximately 10 local road maintenance workers went missing over the weekend. Luckily, they resurfaced on Monday.

I've just bought a giraffe online. Not sure if it will be delivered though, I suspect it's a tall order.

It was so windy today that the chickens laid the same eggs twice.