Weird Jokes: Bizarre Humor for Adventurous Minds.

Doing the moonwalk is the only way to look cool while wiping dog crap off your shoes.

I met an amazing sniper with dialectical view of social transformation...

He was the greatest Marxman I ever knew!

Somedays you have nothing left in the right side of your brain....and nothing right with the left.

How am I supposed to believe humans are the dominant species when a spider is over here building a house with their butthole.

Good news: I can still do a full split!
Bad news: It wasn't on purpose.

Just got sacked from my job as a zookeeper! Thought it a bit harsh. The signs said 'Don't feed the animals'
So I didn't.

Me on security.

"There's a member of staff dancing naked in the canteen."

Control Room, "Copy that."

Me, "I'll try but I'm not much of a dancer."

Thursday doesn't even count as a day, it's just the thing that's blocking Friday.

Big shout out to my arms....for always being at my side.

Making everyone happy is impossible. But pissing them off is a piece of cake. I really like cake.

If you crush a cockroach you're a hero but when you crush a butterfly you become villain in eyes of everyone.
Means rabbles' morals have aesthetic values.

I answered the door, and a 6-ft beetle punched me in the face and called me fat. Apparently, there's a nasty bug going around.

A naked man broke into a church. The police chased him around and finally caught him by the organ.

Q: What do you get when you cross a pirate with a pedophile?
A: Arrrrrr Kelly.

I lost my voice today.
Can't tell you how annoying it is.

I dunno who needs to know this but Lego blocks are bad for the sole.

Medical insurance doesn’t cover everything. Neither do hospital gowns.

2 cannibals eating a guy.
1 starts at the head, the other starts at the feet.
The one at the head asks the other one,
"How ya doing down there?"
"Oh, I'm havin a ball."
"Slow down, you're eating too fast."

I live alone and I'm looking for a microwave that doesn't beep so loud, letting everyone else know that I'm eating again.

Please God take me back to being 12 and let me start again and mess up my life in an entirely different way. I have fresh ideas.

Did you hear about the couple who left a radical religious cult because it had strayed too far away from the scriptures?
The cut the unbiblical cord.

Strip poker sounds more like instructions than a card game.

Gardening is awesome because it is one of the only ways a normal person can be persuaded into buying actual bags of poop.

- 8 out of 10 people don't know a synonym for flooding.
- Freak waters?
- No, four-fifths.

Don't worry kids, being an adult is mostly just googling how to do stuff.

Personally, I think failure should be an option.

What do a small pair of underpants and a small dancefloor have in common?
No ballroom.

There's a village in Europe that's still ruled by noblemen.
It's the final count town.

What does a bee use to put out the fire?
Fire extsinguisher.

I hate it when people upload song lyrics as their status, it reminds me of somebody I used to know.

On the weekends I work at a farm shoveling horse poop. It doesn’t pay much, but hay, it’s a stable job.

When I lost nearly all my fingers on my right hand in a freak accident, I asked the surgeon and doctors if I could still write with it?….. they said, “ probably, but I wouldn’t count on it “ ….

I just bumped into my old headmistress who said how weird it is to see me all grown up now.
Surely it would be weirder if I was still 9.

This girl I’m seeing texted me a photo of one of her bum cheeks.
I thought, that’s a bit half-arsed.

What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
A pool table.

What do you call an insect with a perm?
A frisbee.

Is a ‘Youthful Offender’ One Who Needs A ‘Minor Adjustment’ ?!?!?

Last night I was thrown out of the casino for misunderstanding the use of the Crap table.

I lost my job at the hospital for stealing a neck brace but at least I can still hold my head up high.

All my life I’ve wanted to learn to juggle.
I just never had the balls to do it.

Seeking one night stand. I might need two though, I do have a lot of books.

I was washing my car with my son...
...after a while my son said to me "Why can't we just use a sponge?"

I should be ashamed of myself.
Lets be clear, I'm not.
But I should be.

Shag" is a funny word isn’t it?
To a smoker it’s tobacco, to an American it’s a dance, to an ornithologist it’s a bird and to me it’s a remote possibility.

How easily you’re offended is directly proportional to how dumb you are.

A pharmacist comes back from lunch break and as he approaches the pharmacy, he sees a man outside the pharmacy clutching onto a pole for dear life, barely breathing, not moving, not twitching a muscle, just standing there, frozen. The pharmacist goes up to his assistant and asks: "What's the matter with that guy? Wasn't he in here earlier with a cough?"Yes he was." Replies the assistant. "He had the most terrible cough and none of my prescriptions seemed to help." "Well, he seems to be fine now." "Sure he does. I gave him a box of laxatives. Now he won't dare cough!"

What do you call it when you get a song stuck in your head?
An aneurhythm.

I DON’T UNDERSTAND!! WHY THE FUCK WOULD SOMEBODY BREAK INTO A HOUSE JUST TO STEAL A REMOTE CON….never mind, I found it.

CHILDREN in the BACK SEAT cause accidents. Accidents in the back seat cause children!

A group wearing maroon shirts are now marooned!

Did you hear about the man who arrived at the hospital just after his wife gave birth to their first child?
He was declared Dad on arrival…

A military truck hit a mining truck and there were a few miners with major injuries and several majors with minor injuries!

I knew a ginger named Ebony. It was Ebony and irony.

Some of us learn from the mistakes of others.
The rest of us have to be the others.

What do you get when you cross a chicken with a skunk? A fowl smell!

My dog works for the fire department. (He helps locate fire hydrants.

I think that thinking about thoughts of thinking are too thinkable for thoughts to be thought about thinking... I think.

So this bloke at the races came over and whispered: "Do you want the winner of the next race?".
I said: "No thanks, I've only got a small garden".

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
I've been arrested three times for practicing.

What do you call a nun 10,000 feet in the air? Nun of the above.

me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*.
flight attendant: please stop.

Just saw an ad that urged people to "report allergic reactions to your doctor". I had no idea so many people were allergic to their doctors.

My wife refused to set foot on a nude beach,
She so clothes minded!

....dropped Viagra on my wrist watch & now I’m having a hard time.

Painted half of my face like a clown today and went for a drive. Not sure everyone saw the funny side.

Making a boat out of stone would be a hardship.

If you ever come over unannounced, it'll take me at least three minutes to answer the door because there is no way I was already wearing pants.

One man wanted stalls installed in his barn. He said he pay in installments!

My wife wants me to blow air on her whenever she overheats, but honestly...
... I'm not a fan.

A worker at a visor plant was considered super. He is now a supervisor!

I grew up on a housing estate so rough, even the arms of the chairs had tattoos!!

The butchers meat store caught on fire. You know what he did? He grabbed his meat and beat it.

I gave my pet snake to the zoo.
He was developing a bad adder-tude!

WHAT'S MARRIAGE MADE OF? For men It's 3% compromise, 3% love and 94% accepting that you've lost an argument and have to fold the laundry or dry the dishes in silence.

Years ago I used to DJ at Stonehenge, but I no longer mix in those circles.

What do you do when a yoga guru goes missing?
Nothing. They’ll find themself.

Yesterday I wanted to go jogging but then I thought, in the Bible the Proverbs 28:1 say that: "The wicked run when no one is chasing them". So I changed my mind...

I threw some protein bars in the trash outside and now some raccoons are bench pressing my neighbor's Great Dane in the backyard.

I took a shower the other day...
But thought I should bring it back incase someone else needed it....

Are there any other sleepwalkers out there that do anything else other than just walk around?
I'm just wandering.