Weirdest Jokes: Bizarre Humor for Adventurous Minds.

How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, ‘Ribbit, ribbit’ and a horny toad says, ‘Rub it, rub it.’

I just saw a very angry man jogging across a paddock.

I think he's one of those cross-country runners.

You’re kinda pretty.

Wanna see my basement pit?

What are kidnappers favorite shoes?

White vans.

If you take all of the arteries, veins, and capillaries in a human body and lay them end to end they will extend over 10,000 miles!

Also, it will definitely kill you!

Last night our friend Tom dropped his trousers at the dry cleaners.

From there it was a brief ride to the police station…

Surprise fire drill at the urology office today scared the piss out of everyone.

Friday night and im about to hit the gym!
Sorry typo, I meant gin.

Ever wondered why skeletons are so calm?
Prolly because nothing gets under their skin.

Officer, why do you say "full body cavity search" like it's a bad thing?

me: is it weird to talk to yourself?
me: No.

“You’ll be in my thoughts”

- People who will not have you in their thoughts

Phoned an insurance company for a quote, they said “Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.”

When people ask why I have a plastic bag in my coat pocket, I tell them that it’s in case I need to pick up poop. I never tell them that I have a dog, though. They don’t need that kind of detail.

Whenever I meet a girl with tattoos, I get excited.
Because I know she's legal, and willing to do stuff she may regret.

Won the Postman of the Year competition - absolutely mailed it! Now, I'll be expecting a far bigger post.

We have. Double door refrigerator. On the left side we keep the leftovers. Wanna guess what we keep on the right side?

"A man who fears suffering is already suffering from what he fears."
- Montaigne

I just wrote a song titled "Sperm"...

I'm going to release it myself.

- “Sorry, I’m running late. My chiropractor is about to try out some new back stretching techniques on me.”
- “Will you be much longer?”
- “No, just a couple of millimetres.”

I have a bumper sticker on my car saying "honk if you think I'm sexy."

Some days I just sit at a green light until I'm feeling good about myself.

Give gift certificates for colonoscopies.
They’re gifts from the bottom of your heart to the heart of someone’s bottom.

I am such a loser.
The last time I won anything I was still a sperm.

Why does everyone assume that just because I’m a 40 year old loser that I live in my parent’s basement?
My parents don’t have a basement. I live in my bedroom like a big boy.

You can call me a loser all you want but I know I'm a winner. Always have been one. Never lost a thing.
Not even my virginity.

Someone: describe your sex life in two words.

Me: my what?

I wanted to be a Flasher until I found out they don't get paid!
They just do it for the Exposure?!?

I just bought two fish and called one one and the other two...
When one dies I'll still have two.

I Hate That Feeling when you close your eyes to apply shampoo, and get paranoid that someone will kill you in the shower.

‘I like the way you scramble my eggs’

~me, flirting

I assume orgy etiquette is like silverware. You start on the outside and work your way in.

“I once visited a bookmakers in the Himalayas."

"Tibet?"

"Why else would I go?”

Why did the Mexican tie his wife to the railway track?

Tequila.

If someone asks me if I'm mad at them, it makes me wonder if I should be and I just don't know why yet.

DOES ANYONE KNOW how many AIR FRESHENERS are necessary to get rid of the dead body smell out of a basement? 🤔 Asking for a friend.

A few years ago I invented beach footwear for people with one leg.

It was a flop.

The difference between infatuation and obsession is stalking.

I was really mad when this UFO stole all of the food out of my kitchen, I guess you could say I felt alien-ate-it.

Bands who can't afford a smoke machine should hire me to cook at their concert.

There was a short scream from inside the suitcase.

“Brief?”

“OK, there was a scream from inside the BRIEFcase.”

You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

My fingers always go numb on the ride into work. I’m sure it’s carpool tunnel syndrome...

Mad hatter implies the existence of a just disappointed hatter.

fi yuo cna raed tihs whit no porlbem, yuo aer smrat. rtewete fi yuo aer smrat.

According to a recent survey, 98% of people responded with "Go away."

Wow, I just melted a piece of ice by staring at it.
Took a little longer than I thought it would.

Today I learned: You can't talk while inhaling through your nose.

When I'm in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they're safe.

Approximately 10 local road maintenance workers went missing over the weekend. Luckily, they resurfaced on Monday.

I've just bought a giraffe online. Not sure if it will be delivered though, I suspect it's a tall order.

It was so windy today that the chickens laid the same eggs twice.

Doing the moonwalk is the only way to look cool while wiping dog crap off your shoes.

I met an amazing sniper with dialectical view of social transformation...

He was the greatest Marxman I ever knew!

Somedays you have nothing left in the right side of your brain....and nothing right with the left.

How am I supposed to believe humans are the dominant species when a spider is over here building a house with their butthole.

Good news: I can still do a full split!
Bad news: It wasn't on purpose.

Just got sacked from my job as a zookeeper! Thought it a bit harsh. The signs said 'Don't feed the animals'
So I didn't.

Me on security.

"There's a member of staff dancing naked in the canteen."

Control Room, "Copy that."

Me, "I'll try but I'm not much of a dancer."

Thursday doesn't even count as a day, it's just the thing that's blocking Friday.

Big shout out to my arms....for always being at my side.

Making everyone happy is impossible. But pissing them off is a piece of cake. I really like cake.

If you crush a cockroach you're a hero but when you crush a butterfly you become villain in eyes of everyone.
Means rabbles' morals have aesthetic values.

I answered the door, and a 6-ft beetle punched me in the face and called me fat. Apparently, there's a nasty bug going around.

A naked man broke into a church. The police chased him around and finally caught him by the organ.

Q: What do you get when you cross a pirate with a pedophile?
A: Arrrrrr Kelly.

I lost my voice today.
Can't tell you how annoying it is.

I dunno who needs to know this but Lego blocks are bad for the sole.

Medical insurance doesn’t cover everything. Neither do hospital gowns.

2 cannibals eating a guy.
1 starts at the head, the other starts at the feet.
The one at the head asks the other one,
"How ya doing down there?"
"Oh, I'm havin a ball."
"Slow down, you're eating too fast."

I live alone and I'm looking for a microwave that doesn't beep so loud, letting everyone else know that I'm eating again.

Please God take me back to being 12 and let me start again and mess up my life in an entirely different way. I have fresh ideas.

Did you hear about the couple who left a radical religious cult because it had strayed too far away from the scriptures?
The cut the unbiblical cord.

Strip poker sounds more like instructions than a card game.

Gardening is awesome because it is one of the only ways a normal person can be persuaded into buying actual bags of poop.

- 8 out of 10 people don't know a synonym for flooding.
- Freak waters?
- No, four-fifths.

Don't worry kids, being an adult is mostly just googling how to do stuff.

Personally, I think failure should be an option.

What do a small pair of underpants and a small dancefloor have in common?
No ballroom.

There's a village in Europe that's still ruled by noblemen.
It's the final count town.

What does a bee use to put out the fire?
Fire extsinguisher.