Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Never kiss your mom on your dad’s birthday. Trust me on this one.

If the #2 pencil is so popular, why is it still #2?

Hot and cool are antonyms but both are compliments.

Growing herbs can be profitable. Thyme is money.

"You never cure structural defects; the system corrects itself by collapsing."

"The electric light did not come from the continuous improvement of candles."

- Oren Harari

Government is a disease masquerading as its own cure.

"If your income is coming from labor rather than assets, you’re being decimated by hidden inflation."

Amateur programmers think there are 1000 bytes in a kilobyte; Real Programmers know there are 1024 meters in a kilometer.

I’m in the “drink once, pee twice” phase of life.

Rubbish - The stuff you throw away.
Stuff - The rubbish you keep.

When I find myself In times of trouble
Master Yoda comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom - “Be, it let"

Life is like a movie so make sure you pick up good songs for the soundtrack.

People who buy sex dolls...

are just fucking dummies...,

If it happens once, it's a bug.
If it happens twice, it's a feature.
If it happens more than twice, it's a design philosophy.

War is when your government tells you who the enemy is. Revolution is when you figure it out for yourself.

If nobody will help you, do it alone.

"Can you tie a knot?"

"I cannot"

"So you can knot?"

"No I cannot knot"

"Not knot"

"Who's there?"

We all agree on the necessity of compromise. We just can't agree on when it's necessary to compromise.

-- Larry Wall

У евреев умным считается тот, у кого 7-40 пядей во лбу.

The first rule of happiness is low expectations.

When you're the only sane person, you look like the only insane person.

How does an Englishman invite a dinosaur for lunch?

Tea, Rex?

Being single past 30 is like playing hide and seek expect no one’s looking for you.

"So, I guess you've never been with a prostitute before then." She said.

I replied "Well, No, but how can you tell?"

She said "Look, don't worry about it, just take the coins out my vagina and we'll start again."

Be real, not perfect.

Users are a terrible thing. Systems would be infinitely more stable without them.

-- Michael T. Nygard

Do yourself a favor, get rich.

Religion - when grown ass adults argue about who has the better invisible friend.

What’s the worst thing to hear your surgeon say during the operation?

Literally anything.

We do not have a climate crisis.

We have a corruption crisis. A tyranny crisis. And an orchestrated economy crisis.

When you decide not to buy it, you save 100%.

Get your relatives talking to each other again by sending a Christmas card with your family photo including an extra child nobody knows.

Mum, can I have a cat for Christmas this year?
No, you’ll have turkey like the rest of us.

Therapist: You have a phobia of marriage. Do you understand the symptoms?
Me: Can’t say I do
Therapist: thats the main one yes...

My daughter just graduated from law school...

Now she’s my daughter in law.

Every morning a huge German Shepherd poos on my front lawn.

Today, to make matters worse, he brought his dog.

“This one I’ll definitely remember.”

*Me creating a new password*

I’ve got a pet donkey that listens to Dr Dre, smokes marijuana and stays out all night.

He’s such a badass.

Most lasagna puns are multi-layered and overly-cheesy.

Coco Chanel once said that you should put perfume on places where you want to be kissed by a man. But hell does that burn!

Apart from “fine” and “okay” do women have any other death threats?

I started a new job. My boss said "Hi, my name is Rebecca, but people call me Becky". I said "My name is Kyle, but people call me Dick".

She said "how do you get Dick from Kyle?"
I replied "you just ask nicely".

"If you don't find a way to make money while you sleep you will work until you die."

— Warren Buffett

Dating is wondering why someone is single, then figuring it out.

My dick is a lot like California.

It bends to the side a little, and it's always burning.

Keep your big goals away from small minds.

The lottery system is a voluntary tax on stupid people who don't understand statistics.

I had a joke about Shakespeare, but it was not to be.

A government big enough to give you everything you want, is a government big enough to take away everything you have.

"When someone says you can’t do it, do it twice and take pictures."

I no longer identify as a "Conspiracy Theorist."
You can now refer to me as

"That guy that was right all along."

Cold coffee is disgusting, unless it’s intentionally cold then it’s delicious.

I wouldn't mind being cloned. Just keep that asshole away from me.

Good code is its own best documentation. As you're about to add a comment, ask yourself, 'How can I improve the code so that this comment isn't needed?'

-- Steve McConnell

Slavery never ended it was just disguised as employment.

"Be so big that it’s cool to hate you."

"The stock market is a device for transferring money from the impatient to the patient."

— Warren Buffett

"Free people make free choices. Free choices mean you get unequal outcomes.

You can have freedom, or you can have equal outcomes. You can’t have both."

"Our temporary solution to a temporary problem has become a permanent problem."

"Always code as if the guy who ends up maintaining your code will be a violent psychopath who knows where you live."
- Martin Golding

"I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.

She is not “fun to be around”.

I stole breakfast from the bakery on the way to work yesterday.
It was a piece of cake.

You are having your purchasing power silently stolen from you via inflation.

"Education is no substitute for intelligence."

When the state calls you a taxpayer, it's equivalent to a rapist calling his victim his girlfriend.
— Javier Milei

Doctor: What seems to be the problem?

Cat: Meow.

Doctor: Ok but where?

I'm done dating demons.

They're too possessive.

Survived too many storms to be bothered by raindrops.

6 Signs You Are Mentally Enslaved
1. You think you're free
2. You think your vote matters
3. You think police exist for safety
4. You think public schools are for education
5. You trust corporate media
6. You trust "officials & experts"

Stop cheating on your future with your past. It's over.

Stay away from people who act like a victim in a problem they created.

If Jesus turned water into wine, why does water still exist?

The difference between government and thieves is that thieves don't pretend they're helping you.

I prefer dangerous freedom over peaceful slavery.

My sexual preference is.....often.

I’m a Creationist, I believe man created god.

If you think time travel is a hassle now, just wait until yesterday.

My definition of an expert in any field is a person who knows enough about what's really going on to be scared.

-- P. J. Plauger

My girlfriend's vagina smells like Lillie's ....

But, Lillie's is tighter...