Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I have two questions about this Taylor Swift lady:

What kind of clothes does she make? And how fast does she make them, really?

What do you call a dying airport computer?

A terminal terminal terminal.

What do you call a 400 pound alcoholic?

A heavy drinker.

Please don't refer to me as an asshole. I'm British. I'm an arsehole.

Wife said we should try some role reversal in bed..

So I said I had a headache.

I JUST ORDERED A LIFE ALERT BRACELET SO IF I EVER GET A LIFE I WILL BE NOTIFIED IMMEDIATELY.

And so ends another week without me becoming unexpectedly rich.

If you have a problem and have to use RegEx to solve it, you now have two problems.

My friend Pete believes he was reincarnated from a previous life.

We call him Repete.

How do you cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Phone them and tell them you can’t come 😂

Never too young to start an empire. Never too old to chase a dream.

A man doesn’t care about a woman’s money as long as she’s loyal.

A woman doesn’t care about a man’s loyalty as long as he’s rich.

The social credit score will be their next step in attempting to enslave us.

DON'T leave more money in the bank than you can afford to lose. FINAL WARNING...

I prefer "critical thinker" over conspiracy theorist.

Ironically lazy people tend to accomplish things faster because they search for the easiest ways to do the things.

I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, “You’re an 8 on a scale of 10.”

I still don’t get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton.

I'm bad at two things: telling jokes, and not getting angry while waiting in queue at orgies...

But I keep punching up the fuck line.

Does 9 divided by 2 equal 45 or am I just missing the point?

Understanding is an art. And not everyone is an artist.

I feel like such an amateur at these orgies I've been going to lately.

Everyone is just fucking better than me.

Mao Zedong banned guns, then he killed 49,000,000 people.

I went to a voodoo prostitute last night

Didn't manage to get laid but got a little head...

Had trouble with my laptop, and my pal said;
" Have you tried disabling cookies?"
Me; "I once bit the legs off a gingerbread man."

I need a 6 month holiday. Twice a year.

i'm 99.9% sure i'm the ugly friend.

I don't need a stable relationship, I need a stable internet connection.

That embarrassing moment when you realize, that person wasn't waving at you.

A successful depopulation agenda would require high excess death rates, lower birth rates and for the vast majority to vilify those that question it.

Rearrange these letters to form words.

1. PNEIS
2. BUTTSXE

Did you get Spine and Subtext?

Me neither.

"Secrecy is the keystone to all tyranny. Not force, but secrecy and censorship.''
~ Robert A. Heinlein

Aliens invade: "EARTHLINGS, WE HAVE KILLED YOUR LEADERS, DESTROYED YOUR ECONOMY, AND ARE HERE TO TAKE OVER YOUR GOVERNMENT"

Humans: "oh thank god"

Aliens: "wait what?"

What did one German say to another German?

Don't know, I don't speak German.

Linux is not magic.

It's sudo science.

Keep government small and people free!

Those suffering from paranoia — you’re not alone.

Wife. "What does the yellow traffic light mean?"
Me. "Slow down. "
Wife. "What-does-the-yellow-traffic-light-mean?"

I don't take health advice from people who think the world is overpopulated.

"If you need a degree to do it, it’s not going to make you wealthy."

Libertarians are often accused of being utopian, but nothing is more utopian than the idea that government will limit itself.

NASA is launching a new mission to tell the aliens we’re sorry for all the space junk.
It’s called Apollo G.

Senators should wear uniforms like NASCAR drivers so we could identify their corporate sponsers.

I heard an interesting show about how to plant peas. It was a podcast.

My retirement plan involves getting hit by a car.

Be your own bank.

Grow your own food.

Homeschool your own children.

In reality, Hollywood is about control and psychological warfare, not entertainment.

"Impatience with actions, patience with results."

What is the least spoken language in the world? Sign language.

Stop looking for happiness in the same place you lost it.

Sometimes I look at emails I’ve written and I can’t believe I’am pretending to be this professional.

Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the terms and conditions I do not read.

Do you know where the term "mortgage" originally comes from? It originates from Latin, meaning "death pledge".

What is a really loud color?

YELLow.

My main rule of dating is 'Do no harm'. Pain yes, harm no.

French people are so hardcore they eat pain for breakfast.

If you don't read the news... you'll be uniformed. However if you read the news.... you'll be misinformed.

Be a voice, not an echo.

The only thing my wife hates more than picking a place to eat is the place I just picked.

My Chinese friend says he has opened a crows shop.
I said "Don't you mean clothes shop?"
He said; "No, come and take a rook "

Why don't plants like math?
Because it gives them square roots!

My son kept using his extra-loud whistle inside the house.

I gave him one last chance, but unfortunately he blew it.

Government is the entertainment division of the military-industrial complex

I only go against the flow because we’re circling the drain

"Stay positive and keep smiling”
Unless you are a coder.
Then it's “stay caffeinated and keep debugging while questioning your life choices.”

For sale.
Harry Potter ball games.
A quid each.

“He gently slid her panties to the side

so he could fit the rest of the socks in her drawer.”

Starting a tribute band called “Paper.”

We cover rock.

Life is like a box of chocolates. more expensive than i was expecting.

Education is cheap.

It's university that is expensive.

"Free speech" includes speech that you don't like.

What kind of coffee does the Godfather drink?

An alpuccino.

My colleague can no longer attend next week’s Innuendo Seminar so I have to fill her slot instead.

I don't have many friends, but at least there's that Nigerian Prince.

Read what you love until you love to read.

The worst part about a 30 minute workout is the final 29 minutes.

Our maintenance man lost his legs on the job. Now he’s just a handyman.

Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?

How to avoid disappointment:

Avoid people.

“Only associate with people where you don’t have to drink to be around them.”

What do you use when you haven't got a condom?

A fake name.