Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Socialists want everything you have except your job.

Nothing that requires the labor of another human is a "basic human right".

DON'T leave more money in the bank than you can afford to lose. FINAL WARNING...

The first step of any project is to grossly underestimate its complexity and difficulty.

-- Nicoll Hunt

It's never EVER a good idea to fart during a 69.

That's how they found me underneath their bed.

You were born an atheist until someone lied to you.

Do you know what you call a black man on the moon?

An astronaut, you fucking racist.

Treat your code like poetry and take it to the edge of the bare minimum.

-- Ilyo

Women defending the burqa are like chicken advertising KFC.

A piece of paper has six sides but only two can be used effectively.

Welcome to your 50's. You're now too old for young people and too young for old people.

Software is like sex, it's better when it's free.

Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?

I have like 50 wooden balls already.

Music was better when people who weren’t good looking were also allowed to make it.

You are paid by how hard you are to replace. Not by how hard you work.

Honesty is the first chapter in the book of wisdom.

Tolerance will reach such a level that intelligent people will be banned from thinking so as not to offend the imbeciles.

A vacation is a very expensive way to schedule the time to read a book in peace.

Yeah, I'm into NFT's.

Not Fucking Paying Taxes

Your tax rate is your slave rate.

Islamophobe: A person who knows more about Islam than Muslims are comfortable with.

There's nothing more permanent than a temporary hack.

-- Kyle Simpson

Licensing: when government takes away your right to do something and sells it back to you.

Where do crayons go for vacation?

Colorado.

Good investors don’t sell investment advice.

If Valentine's Day is for couples, what day is it for single men?

Palm Sunday.

The older I get, the more I believe that the only way to become a better programmer is by not programming.

-- Jeff Atwood

All programming languages are shit. But the good ones fertilize your mind.

-- Reg Braithwaite

Fun fact.

Every time Sweden and Denmark play a football match, the scoreboard says SWE - DEN.

Interestingly, the letters omitted from the scoreboard spell DEN - MARK.

Me "I sold my soul for inconceivable powers"
Her "Cool. What powers?"
Me "They're inconceivable so I have no way of knowing."

If you decide to procrastinate, is it still procrastination?

If you are not enjoying the journey, you probably won’t enjoy the destination.

The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana.

Programmers have to fight against the two most destructive forces in the universe: entropy and stupidity.

-- Damian Conway

Simple doesn't mean stupid. Thinking that it does, does.

-- Paul Krugman

In carpentry you measure twice and cut once. In software development you never measure and make cuts until you run out of time.

-- Adam Morse

Usually, the people with the best advice are the ones with the most problems.

Never ask an Argentinian what his grandpa was doing from 1939-1945! Biggest mistake of my life!

- Алё, кто это?
- А вам кто нужен?
- Ну кто-нибудь...
- Это я.

I write short fiction. They're "To-Do Lists."

I have to be successful because I like expensive shit.

If Jesus doesn’t want us to have sex then why’s his middle name Fuckin’?

If you spell your name backwards and put an umlaut over the first vowel, that's your IKEA furniture name.

Well-designed components are easy to replace. Eventually, they will be replaced by ones that are not so easy to replace.

-- Sustrik's Law

They say pineapple juice makes your cum taste better.

But for me, it just ruins the pineapple juice.

Первые 25 лет зубы работают на тебя, а потом ты работаешь на зубы.

Cult: Small unpopular religion.
Religion: Large popular cult.

Pro Tip:

Save business cards of people you don't like.

If you ever damage a parked car, just write sorry on the back and leave it on the windshield..

She was sending me mixed signals, so I did a Fourier analysis.

My sex-life is like Coca Cola....

...first it was normal, then it was light and now it's zero!

The real pandemic is how stupid everyone is.

If you have a parrot and you don’t teach it to say "Help, they’ve turned me into a parrot!” you're wasting everybody’s time.

Aliens: "Take us to your leader"

Humans: "No... You'll laugh at us."

If having sex for money makes you a whore, does having sex for free make you a nonprofit whorganization ?

Have you heard of the new Apple Product to protect your eyes? It’s called the iLid.

What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?

She gagged.

Humpty Dumpty had a terrible winter.

Which sucks because he had a great fall.

Next time you hear something described as "Government-funded" remember that the government is 100% taxpayer-funded.

Negotiations are won by whoever cares less.

The biggest scam in life is paying taxes on the money we make, paying taxes on money we spend, and taxes on things we own, that we already paid taxes on, with already taxed money.

Men have nipples; they just don't serve any purpose. And neither do their nipples.

I call my kettle Jim Carey. Because he brews-all-my-tea...

An organisation that treats its programmers as morons will soon have programmers that are willing and able to act like morons only.

-- Bjarne Stroustrup

I gave my French girlfriend a pendant with "le monde" carved in.

It means the world to her.

24-hour shops only open once.

The map of your future is drawn by the footsteps of your present.

Most orchestras are just 1800's cover bands.

Suicide is never the answer. Your pets will miss you.

Put 100 women and 10 men on a deserted island.

In 100 years, you will have a thriving community of men, women, boys, and girls.

Now, put 100 trans women and 10 men on a deserted island.

In 100 years you will find the skeletons of 110 men.

Follow me for more science.

Ignorance is more expensive than education.

What does a robot do after sex?

He nuts and bolts.

Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves.
- Confucius

My friend is normally so stressed out but when I saw him recently, he seemed really calm.
I asked him how he did it.
"I pay a stress therapist to worry about things for me."
"wow, is that expensive?"
"£700 per session."
"Blimey; how can you afford that?"
"That's his problem."

King Arthur measured the size of his omelettes using his eggs caliber.

If you put the federal government in charge of the Sahara desert, in 5 years, there'd be a shortage of sand.

If I can read their lips correctly through my binoculars; my neighbours are talking about the creepy guy next door.

Anyone fancy half a horse?

Not as hungry as I thought.

You aren't rich until you have something that money can't buy.

I'm currently halfway through reading the book of genesis and not a single mention of Phil Collins.

Приходит муж домой пьяный. Жена его спрашивает:
- Ты молока купил?
Муж:
- Молокаку? Не, не пил!