Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I met the president of a needle company. He wasn't a nice guy.

In fact...... He was a prick. 😃

Did you know McDonald's once considered having snails on the menu?
They decided against it of course because it wasn't fast food! 🐌

My dad told me to make little things count.

So now I'm teaching math to dwarfs.⛔

I love blueberry pies, apple pies, strawberry pies or any other kind of pies. I am in the Caribbean now. Does anyone know any pie rates of the Caribbean?🦜🏴‍☠️

People who work at a pickle factory really Relish their jobs. 🌶

HTML(How to marry a lady) 😎

I think my masturbation problem just got out of hand😃

Have you ever seen me tie my shoelaces with the power of my mind?
I thought knot.

What's the difference between light and hard?
I can sleep with the light on. 😜

Sign at the Urologist's office: URINE good hands.

What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish?
Every morning you will rise and shine! 👞🤩

A four-foot-tall fortune teller escaped from prison. He was a small medium at Large. 🔮

What do say to a British friend who's just been injured ?
UK?

My friend wanted to tell me an IKEA pun but she couldn't put it together. 🪑🔨

I was going to post a joke about alzheimer's but I umm.....😕

What's the difference between people from Dubai and people from Abu Dhabi?
People from Dubai don't watch the Flintstones, people from abu dhabi dooooo

I sometimes revert to using imperial measurements of length...

But not furlong

If a liar admitted that he's a liar, is he honest? 🤔

Q. What do you call an ill space man?
A. A gastronaught. 👩‍🚀

I was just wondering why it's called bathroom towel and not John Linen.......

When you speak two languages but start losing vocabulary in both of them... "Byelingual" ✋

She calls me ankle, I call her knees.😕

Warning to all animal lovers: don't kiss your pet bird--you may catch Chirpees--but don't worry, it's tweetable ...

Therapist: Can you explain why you are so odd?
Patient: I can't even.

Someone broke into the local Police Station and stole all their toilet seats.
The police have nothing to go on.

What’s better than roses on your piano?
Tulips on your organ
💋👄

Утром проснулся: кашля нет, насморка нет, температуры нет, ничего не болит, дышится свободно.
Ну, думаю, труба дело. Типичные симптомы бессимптомного коронавируса (с)

Did you hear about the two satellites that got married?

The ceremony wasn't great, but the reception was amazing!

If a brigantine is a 2-masted sailing vessel, what’s a quarantine?

Question: What do you call 2 Doctors who Travel and work in an Ambulance? Answer: A Pair O' Medics 👨‍🍳👩‍🍳

if Apple made a car would it have Windows? 😉

Nurse: How would you rate your pain?

Me: 1 star. Would NOT recommend

What did the soup write on his valentine? U make miso happy 🍲

Question: What did the Father Buffalo say when his male child left home? Answer: Bye,Son. 🐃

I have an inferiority complex but yours is probably better.

Dad: how's your results son.
Me: they're underwater
Dad: what???
Me: Below C level 🌊

I gave that movie 3.14 stars!
Cause I pi-rated it. 🎦

Today I was asked to go out by 20 girls.
Sadly, I was in the women’s bathroom. 🚺

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?
Because the pee is silent!

(her during sex): call me names
(me, panicking): you like that, names? 😎

Was thinking about watching the movie "THE INVISIBLE MAN "
Then I realized there's probably not much to see.

A carpenter wanted to make a pun joke but he wasn’t sure if it woodwork.

What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef. 🐮

Last time I got caught stealing a calendar I got 12 months. 📆

What do you call a laughing motorcycle?
A Yamahahaha. 🚲

I lived in a Houseboat and dated the girl next door!
It didn't work out- sadly
we drifted apart...

How do you save a sheep from choking?

You give it SheepPR

My application to join The Police has been rejected...
To be fair, I don't even know all the words to Every Breath You Take. 🎸

Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn't. It shits on the floor. 🚾

Went to a psychics convention earlier today. It wasnt fun, all the psychics were either mad or depressed. There was no happy medium.

When your foot falls asleep it actually goes coma toes.

Did you hear about the biology department that eliminated their fungal research?

They didn't have much room for it. 🍄

A guy just threw milk at me... How dairy?!

Difference between a lentil and a chick pea is.....I've never had a lentil in my face 🤪

Be sure no one ever pours salt on you

Because they would be assaulting you!! 🧂

What’s the difference between a Hippo and Zippo

Ones a little lighter 🔥

- Do programmers stay in hell for eternity?
- No. Only until they write good documentation for they code. 💻

In the word laughter, letter ''l'' initiates and the others comes aughter it. 🤣

I asked 100 people what shampoo they preferred to use whilst taking a shower? They all replied, "How did you get in here?”
🚿

If you believe in telekinesis,
raise my hand. ✋

- Is it still India?
- Yes, it's still in, dear! 😎

My son climbed up onto my shoulders last night and started reciting numbers "1... 2... 3..." I said "Hey! What are you doing? Get off of there..."

My son replied "Dad - don't let me down. I'm counting on you."🔢

I liked a Cashier, so I tried to leave a hint, but she didn't respond.

I guess it didn't Register. 🙌

A basketball player and a dwarf have robbed the local bank.

Police are looking high and low 🤪

I was kidnapped by mimes....
They did unspeakable acts to me...😱

If a woman sits on a table during her period, does it call periodic table? 👩‍🦰

“What did one warrior say to the other warrior after he chopped his feet off? You have been defeeted!” 🦶

I just want to give a shout out to sidewalks.
For keeping me off the streets.

What did Batman say to robin before they got into the batmobile?
Hey Robin, get in the batmobile. 🚗

Sometimes, words just aren't enough and that's why we have middle fingers.

I don’t trust stairs.

They’re always up to something. 🖕

So sad to hear that the local auctioneer has passed on.
He was somewhere around 30, 35? 35, 40. 🔨

I'm writing a book about basements.

I think it's destined to be a best cellar. 💯

How do you make a waterbed more bouncy?

Use spring water. ⛲

I was shocked when I found out my toaster was not waterproof.

Seven has "even" in it

Yeah, so?

That's odd. 7️⃣

What do you call a snake that is approximately 3.14 feet long?

A πthon

Facebook is like ancient Egypt. People are worshipping cats and writing on walls. 🐈

Are people born with photographic memories, or do they take time to develop ? 🎞

My girlfriend poked me in the eye the other day.
I stopped seeing her for a while. 😫