Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.

Half my humor is puns, the other half is memes.
The third half is absurdity.

An old New Yorker and his wife were at the therapist
The wife said “In the fifty years I’ve known him, Morty hasn’t had a good word to say about anything. All he does is complain.”

The therapist looks at Morty and asks “what do you think about that?”

“I think it’s terrible, and ridiculous, and absurd, and I don’t even know why we’re here in this meshuganah office,” Morty said.

“See,” his wife said, “nothing but complaints. It’s driving me crazy!”

“Ok,” said the therapist, here’s what I want you to do. Morty, do you like food?”

“Some of it.”

“Ok, I want you to name one restaurant where you’ve never had a bad meal. Can you do that?”

“Sure,” Morty said, “Eisenhower’s Deli.”

“Great! What makes the food there so good?”

“I wouldn’t know, I ordered and it never arrived!”

Once, in a faraway land, there was this doctor who was a professional trickster...
This doctor was quite popular, but he had a big, bad secret; he deceives people. How? Well, let's just say a patient walks into his office with an illness. The doctor, after doing some checkups, gives his prescription for a medicine, which he even gives for free. It turns out, however, that the medicine actually makes the illness *worse*. Then, when they go back to the doctor, he prescribes a real medication for an absurd price. This strategy has given him tons of cash over the years with no suspicions. That is, until now.

Scientists have run checks over his "medicine" and discovered the truth. The doctor is jailed for his crimes and is scheduled to be killed via electric chair at midnight.

But, when the doctor sits on the electric chair, something happens. The officer assigned to flip the electric switch to do away with the criminal is flabbergasted at how the doctor is surviving the shocks at max power. Other officers witnessed this, and finally, on the next afternoon, he is freed from all charges due to this paranormal happening.

Unfortunately, the doctor is at it again, tricking his customers. His patients are more mad than ever, and due to a mob of angry, sick civilians, the doctor is jailed and scheduled to be subjected to the wrath of the electric chair at midnight *again*.

But alas! At the stroke of midnight, although the flashes of electricity emanating from the execution room lighted the correctional facility, the doctor did not perish. They released him again in absolute bafflement.

As you may have guessed by now, the doctor continues to scam and sicken his clients. After a month, the whole world has been in outrage over the reign of this infamous doctor. The police reluctantly capture him and schedule him for the old midnight execution drill. Again.

This time, however, during the time of the execution, a stadium of people have come to watch the doctor get electrocuted like a fly in front of their eyes, including the leader of the country's police force. They flip the switch...

The doctor survives. The crowd goes silent.

The chief policeman struts over to the poor doctor and asks him, "How the singular crap are you surviving?! That was literally over a thousand damnable volts! And no, don't give me that 'I'm a bad conductor' line because I have heard that repost a million times on r/Jokes."

The doctor, blackened but very much alive, says, "Yeah, that's not it. I'm a bad con doctor."

A boy wants to ask a girl to prom, and he really likes her so he goes all out...
He goes to the florist to buy some flowers, but the line is out the door. He thinks, "that's okay, she's worth it," and waits an hour in the flower line.

Next he goes to the candy store to get some really nice chocolates and again, the line is absurdly long. Again he thinks, "that's okay, I'll wait," and waits an hour in the chocolate line.

He goes to a limo agency to book a limo for prom night, but they are having a sale so many engaged couples have lined up to book a limo. But the line is shorter than the candy store line and the boy thinks, "well, if I waited in that line, I can wait in this one, too." He waits half an hour in the limo line.

After that he goes to buy the tickets to prom. Everyone else is buying tickets too, but he doesn't want them to run out so he has to wait over an hour in the ticket line.

Finally he has everything he needs, so she asks the girl and she says yes.

The night of prom they get in the limo and drive to the venue. The event isn't very well coordinated so traffic is atrocious, and they wait for what seems like forever in a stand-still traffic line.

Finally, they get out of the limo and stand in line to get into the prom. It's a big school, so they wait for the better part of 45 minutes in the entry line.

When they eventually make it inside, the boy and girl start dancing. They're both having a great time, but the girl gets thirsty so the boy offers to get her some punch.

He goes to the drink table and there's no punch line.

Edit 1: wow, you scrolled to the bottom and read that there's no punch line? You're such a smart and special snowflake.

Edit 2: Yeah, I get it, this joke is a repost. I have never frequented r/jokes before, but I assume that reposts happen a lot. If all jokes were original content, this sub wouldn't be so active.

A man checks into a hotel for the first time in his life, and goes up to his room.
Five minutes later he calls the desk and say, “You’ve given me a room with no exit. How do I leave?”

The desk clerk says, “Sir, that’s absurd. Have you looked for the door?”

The person says, “Well, there’s one door that leads to the bathroom. There’s a second door that goes into the closet. And there’s a door I haven’t tried, but it has a ‘do not disturb’ sign on it.”

A Priest, a Pastor, a Rabbi, and a Redditor walk into a bar...
The bartender, seeing the absurd entourage, scoffs and asks "Is this some kind of joke?"

The Redditor corrects him and says, "No actually, it's a repost"

Three little old ladies are traveling down the road when they get pulled over by a police officer.

Police: Ma'am do you know why I pulled you over?

Driver: I don't.

Officer: It was about the speed you were traveling.

Driver: That's absurd. I was doing the exact speed limit!

The Officer was confused and said: Ma'am I clocked you on my radar going only 20 miles per hour!

Confused, the lady said: "Officer, that's what I'm telling you, I was doing the exact speed limit. See, 20 miles per hour. Right there!"

The officer has a chuckle and said: "Ma'am, that's the sign stating that you're traveling on highway 20. I'll let you off with a warning, please be aware of street signs". As he was walking away he saw another little old lady in the back seat completely broken down, breathing heavy and grasping her seat in distress. The cop then asked the driver "Is she okay in the back seat there?"

The driver replies: Oh, she's fine. We just got off highway 185"

Political correctness has reached the level of absurdity
For example, we can't say brown paint. Instead we should say "please paint that wall, Jose"

Bart was a regular fellow, quite charming actually. But he farted often than most.


Bart has obatined that sweet sweet yes from the girl of his dream, they agreed to a date on his now girlfriend's house.


They were eating, chatting, laughing, until he had the sudden urge to fart. Of course like any decent gentleman he chose not to embarrass himself and hold it in. But he failed and it came out almost instantly.


"Max, get out of here right now!" His girlfriend said. Max was her dog that was sitting just beside their table.


Bart was relieved that she thought it was the dog that farted! Looks like he got away this time.

Now Max the obedient boy that he is, went straight under the table, girlfrien.. let's just call her Annie from now, just ignored him and continued on their date.


About 5 minutes have passed and Bart had the urge to fart again. He's not called Farty Bart for nothing.


This time it was one of those farts that are labeled "silent but deadly" Bart wanted to be sneaky and just let it out without a sound, praying Annie wouldn't notice.

Again, he failed.


Annie noticed the absurd smell immediately.


Again she said "Max, get out of here i said!"

Again Max didn't bat an eye and just stayed there.


Bart, again relieved that he got away because of his now best friend Max, is... well about to fart again.


This fart was one of those "big ones" you know the one the you know is gonna be bad... like really bad


He tried to hold it in, his face began to turn red, he sweated a lot, he was like having this spiritual battle... with his fart.


And then alas, he failed.


The fart came out in all of it's glory, probably filling the whole room!

Now Annie was full of it, she couldn't stand it, Max had to go.

Annie stood up and said "Max! If you don't get out of here right now you're gonna get shat on!"

A farmer got an idea for how to make money off his farm in the off-season.
He had a huge property all bounded by a big, white fence end to end. Along that fence was an old country road where few people drove.

He decided he would set up a Christmas light display like he'd heard about others doing. It took him some time to gather all the lights necessary, but eventually through the sweat of his farmhands and an absurd number of extension cords, he was finished. When sunset came, the first car to come down that road got an amazing sight.

The entire fence was covered in lights! Fence post after fence post, crossbeam after crossbeam, the most dazzling, amazing collection of lights they'd ever seen! The driver immediately called his friends and family and told them to get out to the old country road and within hours, the traffic was backed up for a mile.

At the end of the display, he had a couple of farmhands waiting with donation buckets and sure enough, he raked in several hundred dollars that night. This went on for weeks only getting more and more popular and even despite the high electricity bill, he turned quite a profit on the display.

And so it went for the next few years. His light displays got more and more elaborate. They synced to music. They twinkled in time to the passing cars. There were LEDs and lasers, inflatable reindeer and glowing manger scenes, and everything in between. He started to notice, however, that the number of cars began to dwindle each night.

Whereas folks used to come from counties around to see the fence, the numbers grew smaller and smaller each night. At the end of the season, he'd seen maybe a tenth of the cars.

The months passed and November crept up again. The farmer headed down to the feed and hardware shop to gather a few necessary supplies for the display and couldn't help but overhear a couple of the customers talking.

"Yeah, it just ain't what it used to be. I mean, don't get me wrong, it were pretty and all when he got it started, but something 'bout it nowadays just ain't fresh."

"I know. I wish he'd do something different. Something original. Everybody's got them Christmas lights now."

This incensed the farmer. He spent hundreds of hours every season making something amazing for the world to see and they were treating it like so much manure from his barn. He would show them.

He raced back to his farm and he ripped out every single light from post after post. He tore out the inflatable Santa and knocked down the wise men. And when he was done, he meticulously strung the exact same red and green lights on every square foot of that fence. "I'll show them. They think they can take me foregranted, we'll see how they like this boring mess."

The first night of the display, the visitors (small in number as they may have been), were astonished. Their phones lit up with dials to their friends and neighbors. Soon enough, the line of cars stretched back miles and miles, longer than it ever had in the heyday of the display.

The farmer shook his head while his farmhands stood agape at the traffic. "I don't believe it! How could this be so popular?" the lead farmhand asked the farmer.

"It's simple. Everybody says they want to see something original but what really gets them going is the same old post over and over again."

The son of the absurdly rich oil magnate had lived his entire life in extreme prosperity. His father did not want him to be too spoiled. So when the son went to the US for university, he decided that he would be driven by their chauffeur in a Tesla.

After the son had been in the USA for a month, the great El-Ali received his first letter from his son: "This place is lovely, the people are nice, the teachers are magnificent and I have never had so many friends. However, there is one thing that is somewhat embarrassing to me. While everyone of my friends arrive at Uni by train, I'm being driven in a Tesla."

The son promptly received his response: "Dear beloved son, I'm happy that you are thriving and I look forward to seeing your friends. Your mother and I will soon visit, and we have discussed this 'embarrassing' situation. No son of the great El-Ali should feel embarrassed amongst his friends. Tell me what kind of train your friends are riding and I shall buy you one!"

Man: "I've always had this absurd feeling that I'm a cartoon character"
Psychologist: "That's a rather unusual mental state... How long have you felt this way?"
Man: "Ever since I was an outline..." 🤸‍♂️

A man walks into a bar after a long day and proceeds to drink. Meanwhile he gets friendly with this well dressed chap near him.
After some beers this new friend says " Dude do you know that if you drink whiskey here you can fly temporarily ?"
"What ? That's absurd !! Ok prove it to me right now !!" says the man, wisely.
The well dressed guy removed his coat, and then proceeds to jump out the window. He does a somersault and some tricks and comes back in safely.
"Your turn " he says.
The man, who now has complete faith in the dude proceeds to take a shot of whiskey and jumped out through the window. He fell and broke most of his bones.
As he was being taken away in the ambulance, the bartender comes up to him and says " Damn... Superman can be real mean when he is drunk !!"

An American walks into an Irish pub. He asks the patrons, " I'll bet $500 that none of you can drink 10 pints of Guinness in 10 minutes." People raise their heads but ignore the absurd bet and go back to drinking and merry making, except an Irishman who leaves the bar. Some time passes and the Irishman comes back in the pub and approaches the American. "Is yer bet still on the table?" The American replies, "Sure it is! Bartender get this man his drinks." The bartender lines up 10 pints of Guinness on the bar. The Irishman starts drinking and drinks up all the Guinness in less than 10 minutes. Astonished the American hands over the money and asks, "Well, may I ask where you went earlier?" The Irishman replies with a smirk, "I went to the pub next door to see if I could do it."

My wife is blaming me for screwing up her birthday
She is so absurd. I didn't even know it was her birthday. 😀

patient: doctor doctor, I dont feel well.
doctor: Hmmm, it looks like you have 5.
patient: 5 what?
doctor: 4,3,2 😃

I just got hired at a company that makes bicycle wheels.
I'm the spokesperson.

A guy travels into town and notices a sign up in his local gunsmiths. It reads “Hunting season now open”.
Excited, he jumps back in his truck and heads home.
He shouts to his wife that he’s going hunting, and after loading up his truck with what he needs, he drives off to the forest.
After a couple of hours he brings his truck to a stop on top of a hill.... the perfect spot he thinks.
He gets out and uses his binoculars to scan the surrounding area. After a while, he spots a huge grizzly bear on the next hill.
He goes to the trunk and pulls out his 22 calibre rifle. He peers through the scope at the bear and squeezes the trigger. His rifle cracks and he watches the bear fall and roll back down the hill into the bushes.
Excited.... he heads down the hill, up the next hilll and descends down into the bushes.
He roots around... muttering to himself “I know I got that bastard” when he feels a tap on his shoulder.
He turns around and standing in front of him is the bear.
“Now” says the bear “You have a choice.... I can either claw you with my big bear claws. I can bite you with my big bear teeth..... or.... I can fuck you up the ass?”
Knowing his only chance of survival, the hunter undoes his belt and turns around and the bear goes to work.
After around an hour, the hunter finally manages to crawl back to his truck, his ass aching.... and as he pulls himself back onto his feet, he turns around and sees the bear roaming around on the opposite hill again.
“Right you motherfucker” he says, and again heads to his trunk.
This time he pulls out his 308... lines up the sight and squeezes the trigger.
“BANG!!” Again.... he sees the bear fall and roll down the hill into the bushes.
“YES!!” He yells.... still limping, he heads down the hill, up the next hilll and descends down into the bushes.
He roots around... muttering to himself “I know I got that bastard this time” when he feels a tap on his shoulder.
He turns around and standing in front of him is the bear again shaking its head.
“Now” says the bear “You have a choice again.... I can either claw you with my big bear claws. I can bite you with my big bear teeth..... or.... I can fuck you up the ass?”
Still aching.... but again knowing his only chance of survival, the hunter undoes his belt and turns around and the bends over.
An hour later.... and the hunter finally manages to crawl back to his truck, tears streaming down his face . and as he pulls himself back onto his feet, he turns around and sees the bear roaming around on the opposite hill again.
“This time you sick fucker” he says, and again heads to his trunk.
This time he pulls out his elephant gun..... lines up the sight and squeezes the trigger.
“BOOOOOM”... he sees the bear flip into the air, fall and roll down the hill into the bushes.
“YES!!” He cries and again... he heads down the hill, up the next hilll and descends down into the bushes.
Again he searches around... “I know I got that bastard this time” .....when he feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns around and standing in front of him is the bear.
The bear winks at him and says.... “you’re not really here for the shooting are you?”

What do you call a deer with no eyes ?? No idea 😂

What has four letters, never has five letter and sometimes has nine letters ?

I tried to catch fog the other day. Mist.🤓

Some women are gathered and the subject of conversation turns to sex and then birth control.

The first woman says "We're Catholic so we can't use it."

The next woman says "I am too but we use the rhythm method."

The third woman says "I'm Catholic too but we use the bucket and saucer method."

"What the heck is the bucket and saucer method?", the others ask.

"Well, I'm five foot eleven... and my husband is five foot two. We make love standing up with him standing on a bucket, and when his eyes get big as saucers I kick the buckets out from under him."

Paddy was on his deathbed and knew the end was near.
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him at his home in Belfast.
He asks for 2 independent witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes.
When all is ready he begins to speak:
"My son Seamus, I want you to take the houses in Cultra."
"My daughter Geraldine, you take the apartments over in Malone Road."
"My son Patrick Junior, I want you to take the offices in the City centre."
"Bridget, my dear wife, please take all the residential properties on the Upper Lisburn Road ."
The nurse and witnesses are blown away. They did not realize the extent of Paddy's wealth. As he slips away, the nurse says to his wife, " Mrs O'Shaughnessy, my deepest condolences. Your husband must have been such a hard-working and wonderful man to have accumulated all this property"..
"Property?”, his wife replies. “The fucker had a window cleaning round."

Asking a cab driver the cost from one place to another is a fare question.

"Code never lies, comments sometimes do."
- Ron Jeffries

Puns about meat are rare 😜

Be my trigonometric function cos I want us to sin.

— ваш дизайн говно.
— это дизайн говна.
— тогда недурно. 😎

I asked some people what does
LGBTQ stands for.
So far, there's no straight answers.

“Nothing rhymes with orange”

Me: “no it doesn’t” 🤗

Don't you hate when people answer their own questions? I do.

What do you call a jew who isn't fully committed to their religion?
.
.
Jew-ish.

Laughter is the best medicine. Except for diarrhoea. 😊

Filipinos be like:
Paul! be carepaul, you might paul in da swimming paul!

Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison. He couldn’t finish his sentence. 😪

Little Tony took a drink, But he will drink no more, For what he thought was H2O was H2SO4 ⚗️

Lord! Your sons are using hand sanitizer to masturbate ✊🍆💦 in order to come clean 🤦‍♂️

I've been diagnosed with a rare disease called Airport building syndrome.
They said it is terminal. 🛩

My friend is obsessed with collecting every Beatles album.
She needs Help.

Question: What kind of shorts do clouds wear?

Thunderwear.

How did the pirate get the flag at such a low price ?

He got it on sail.

I just bought
Neil Diamond’s car off eBay.
...yep...
Sweet car online.

Why was the barn so noisy? The cows had horns. 📯

"Excuse me," I said to the woman sat in front of me on the bus, "You have some semen on the back of your jacket."
"I'm sure it's not semen," she said "It's probably yoghurt."
"It's definitely semen," I said "I don't ejaculate yoghurt." 🤪

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

The opposite of Microsoft Office is Macrohard Onfire.

Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar?
Each one got 6 months. 🗓

Atheists don't solve exponential equations because they don't believe in higher powers. 👨‍🔬

После второй бутылки водки Дмитрий понял,что Зинаида настолько красива,что он её недостоин. 😁

People who use the wrong word for things should at least have the humidity to admit it once in a while.

What animal can jump higher than the Empire State Building??

They all can! Buildings can't jump!! 😏

When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.

What is an Eskimos favourite song ?
Whale meat again. 🐳

Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don't work...📢

I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger

Then it hit me 🏀

A Dentist Was Caught Having Sex With His Patient.
Next Day The Newspaper Headlines Were.
Dentist Caught Filling The Wrong Hole! 🔞

I built a robot of the lead singer of the band that did ‘you really got me’. It doesn’t work properly, and I’m still trying to figure out the kinks.

My first day on the job at the bank today and I was fired. All because a Lady asked me to check her balance so I pushed her over.

Astronomers recently discovered a crack in uranus. 🛸

Having sex with a depressed person is necrophilia. Cause we're dead inside. 😉

Q: What is the difference between an UNDERWEAR & a STAGE CURTAIN?
A: When you pull down the STAGE CURTAIN, the show is over, but when you pull down the UNDERWEAR .. it's SHOWTIME!!!

Q: Why do 90% gals have left boob bigger than right?
A: Bcoz 90% boys are right handed. 😎

Q: What will happen if earth rotates 30 times faster?
A: Men will get their salary everyday and women will bleed to death.

Q: What will happen if earth rotates 30 times faster?
A: Men will get their salary everyday and women will bleed to death.

Q: Why are condoms transparent?
A: So that sperms can at least enjoy the scene even if their entry is Restricted!

What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?
Are you having a crisis?

I asked my doctor how long can someone live without a brain. He said l don't know how old are you. 👨‍⚕️

Q. How much room should you give fungi to grow?
A. As mushroom as possible.

Not to brag but I have satisfied every waitress that has ever served me. With just the tip.

Why do we get so mad at lazy people... they didn’t do nothing. 😎

A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this she can't stand it any longer! The woman goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against the man and explains why. The supervisor is puzzled by this and says, "What's wrong with the co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?" The woman replies, "He's a midget!"

A boob, a vagina and an asshole are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them!

Boob - "I give milk to new born babies and I'm attractive to the opposite sex, that's why I am the greatest!"

Vagina - "That's nothing, I give birth to new born and can accommodate the opposite sex, that's why I am the greatest!"

Why are you scrolling down?
It's your turn to speak. 🤗

Cereal drowns in milk therefore milk is a cereal killer.

Whats brown and rhymes with Snoop?
Dr. Dre 😎

When a menstruating girl sits on a table, can we call it a periodic table?

A guy gets pulled over for speeding and the officer said, “What’s your name son?”

He replied “D-d-d-d-Dav-David ,sir”

The officer looked at him suspiciously and asked,” Do you have a stutter?”

The guy replied, “No sir, My dad had a stutter and the guy who filled out my birth certificate was a jerk!”

If a lion wants to eat its entire family, It must swallow its pride. 🦁

Don't go camping alone, there's evil intent...⛺

A White Horse went into a Bar and said " A Pint of Lager "and The Barman said" Do you know that there is a Whisky named after You " and the Horse 🐴 said " What ERIC?