Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Q: What will happen if earth rotates 30 times faster?
A: Men will get their salary everyday and women will bleed to death.

Q: Why are condoms transparent?
A: So that sperms can at least enjoy the scene even if their entry is Restricted!

What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?
Are you having a crisis?

I asked my doctor how long can someone live without a brain. He said l don't know how old are you. 👨‍⚕️

Q. How much room should you give fungi to grow?
A. As mushroom as possible.

Not to brag but I have satisfied every waitress that has ever served me. With just the tip.

Why do we get so mad at lazy people... they didn’t do nothing. 😎

A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this she can't stand it any longer! The woman goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against the man and explains why. The supervisor is puzzled by this and says, "What's wrong with the co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?" The woman replies, "He's a midget!"

A boob, a vagina and an asshole are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them!

Boob - "I give milk to new born babies and I'm attractive to the opposite sex, that's why I am the greatest!"

Vagina - "That's nothing, I give birth to new born and can accommodate the opposite sex, that's why I am the greatest!"

Why are you scrolling down?
It's your turn to speak. 🤗

Cereal drowns in milk therefore milk is a cereal killer.

Whats brown and rhymes with Snoop?
Dr. Dre 😎

When a menstruating girl sits on a table, can we call it a periodic table?

A guy gets pulled over for speeding and the officer said, “What’s your name son?”

He replied “D-d-d-d-Dav-David ,sir”

The officer looked at him suspiciously and asked,” Do you have a stutter?”

The guy replied, “No sir, My dad had a stutter and the guy who filled out my birth certificate was a jerk!”

If a lion wants to eat its entire family, It must swallow its pride. 🦁

Don't go camping alone, there's evil intent...⛺

A White Horse went into a Bar and said " A Pint of Lager "and The Barman said" Do you know that there is a Whisky named after You " and the Horse 🐴 said " What ERIC?

People who misuse their words on Facebook should be band. 🩹🩹

What is the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle?

Attire.

What's the opposite of isolate?

YouSoEarly.

Murder Hornets are a Russian Hoax;

It's a Cagey Bee! 🐝

The inventor of the umbrella was originally going to call it "brella" but he hesitated

Did Humpty Dumpty fall off the wall or was he.... eggsacuted.

Four years in the University and never dated a single lady.

I guess I really came for a Bachelor's Degree.

My buddy asked me if I have any jokes about Sodium Hypobromite
I said NaBrO.

Apparently, 200 jobs are to be lost at kodak..

More on this as it develops 🤓

Tim bought 2 goldfish and named them 1 and 2. If 1 died, he'll still have 2. 🤣

It's a 5 min. walk from my house to the bar, but it's a 45 min. walk from the bar to my house.
The difference is staggering.

Why did the dictionary run from the tornado?
Because it didn't want the tornado to twist its words. 📖

For the one who invented zero, thanks for nothing.

I once told a joke about a tv aerial but it didn’t get a very good reception 📺

I'm not racist, I love all races.
Except marathons.
Fuck running. 🏃‍♀️

Do you think Satan has Hell listed as an LLC or is he a Soul proprietor? 👹

Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors?
Well if it had 4 it would be a chicken sedan...🐥🐤🐔

What's worse than ants in your pants?
Uncles.

America: Oh China thinks they’re the epicenter? Wait till we play our Trump card 🃏

What did the sea say to the beach?
Nothing, it just waved. 🌊

He knew his bald head was egg-shaped, but he wanted to ovoid the truth. 🥚

I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with but I’ve been tripping all day. 👞👞

Why was the beaker so smart? It was graduated. 🧪

Justice is a dish best served cold, if it were served warm it would be justwater. ⚖

My grandad asked me how to print on his computer.
I told him it’s Ctrl-P. He says he hasn’t been able to do that for ages. 👴

I've been troubled by this for a long time: Why is Madison Square Garden round?

I’m thinking about getting a side job cleaning mirrors. It’s something that I can see myself doing.

A disc jockey's favorite song is A HORSE WITH NO NAME.🐴

I broke my finger last week .. On the other hand I'm OK..

My grandfather destroyed 30 German planes during World War II.

He was easily the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

How did the farmer find his wife?
He tractor down.

What’s brown and sticky?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
A stick 😎

What does Whinne The Pooh and John The Baptist have in common?
Their middle name. 🐻🧔

Q:Whats the longest word in the dictionary ?
A: SMILES 😀
because there is a mile between the first and last letter

If you saw a dude wearing a suit of armor happily singing outside, would you...
Just close your curtains and call it a knight??

Got a new job at the Guillotine Factory...
I'll beheading there shortly 💀

Periods aren't actually that bad, women are just ovary acting 😂

A Geordie is drinking in a London bar when he gets a call on his mobile phone:
He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, he orders a round of drinks for everyone in the bar, because, he announces his wife has just produced a typical Geordie baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Geordie shrugs. "That's about average in the Northeast. Like I said, my boy is a typical Geordie baby boy."
Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations of "Jeezaz" were heard.
One woman even fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later the Geordie returns to the bar.
The bartender says. "You're the father of that typical Geordie baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. Everybody's been having bets about how big he'd be in 2 weeks. We were going to call you. So, how much does he weigh?"
The proud father answers. "17 pounds"
The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He weighed 25 pounds the day he was born."
The Geordie father takes a long slow swig from his beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans onto the bar and proudly says..............
"Had him circumcised" 🤣

You cannot take a picture
of a guy with a wooden leg,
you have to use
a camera. 📷

Racecar backwards is racecar
Racecar upside down is expensive. 🏎

A balloonist offered me Helium,how noble of him.

There was a spider on my keyboard. It's under control now.

A fortune teller told me I'd suffer awful heart break in 12 years. To cheer myself up I bought a puppy. 🐶

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Owls
Owls who?
That's right, owls hoo 🦉

Television is a medium because anything well done is rare. 📺

I saw some dude trick a vegan into eating real cheese.
How dairy! 🧀

I used to be in a band called The Hinges.

We supported The Doors.

Harrison Ford has released a compilation of songs that are based on the Star Wars trilogy.
It's his first Solo album.

It's not that the aspiring clown did not know how to juggle ... he just didn't have the balls to do it...🤓

Why did Adele cross the road?

To say hello to the other sideeeeee!
😏😏😏

What's blue and smells like yellow paint?....
Blue paint!!

A 5 year old just gave me a one-legged Batman doll.

Sure it's a nice gift, but I really can't stand it.

Nice resume, Mr. Hendrix, but are you expirienced ? 🎸

My Uncle👴🏾 took my weed 💨 So I took his wheelchair ♿ Ain't Nobody 🙅🏾 rolling shit around here 😂

My farmer friend used his stimulus money to buy chickens.
He got his money for nothing and his chicks for Free. 😊

How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one.
But the light bulb has to want to change...💡

When I watched
The Omen backwards,
I found Nemo. 🐟

Did you hear about the guy who lost his whole left side?
He’s all right... 😃

Earth has become a disco.

And you know what we do at the disco?
Panic. 📀🔊🎼

What do you call an Eskimo's house without a toilet?
An ig!!!

What did 0 say to 8?
Nice belt. 😎

How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.

Why couldn't the bicycle stay out late? He was two tired...

Why does Ed not have a girlfriend?
Because Sheeran away.