Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I'm a taxidermist.
When people ask,
“What do you do for a living?"
I say, "Oh, you know... stuff." 🦍

I cracked a joke about chemistry and there was no reaction.
🙂

SIX without S is 9. 🕕

Freddie Mercury, Venus Williams and Bruno Mars walk into a bar.
It's a coincidence because they didn't planet. 🎸

I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but quit because it was just one ting after another. 🎼

Pun of the day..

The best way to communicate with fish is to drop them a line.
🐟

There was a robbery at the fabric store...

Police are looking for material witnesses. 🤔

Bullets do their job after they've been fired.🤔

Why can't atheists solve exponential equations?
They don't believe in higher powers. ☠

I was going to post a joke about being unemployed but it needs work. 👩‍🔧

My blind girlfriend told me I have a big penis, but she was just pulling my leg. 🦶🏻

me: I'm addicted to collecting magazines
therapist: it sounds like you have a lot of issues 📙

I made a joke about chemistry but there was no reaction !! 🧪

I've been sitting on my couch ever since the lockdown began...
Sofa so good. 🛏

Someone just came up to me, holding a beer and claiming to be a ventriloquist...

But I think it was the drink taking. 🍺

- What do you mean by Java is an island?

- It is above the C level...💻

What do you call a fat psychic?

A four-chin teller 🤦‍♂️

Collecting deflated footballs...

There's a habit you can't easily kick! 🏐

My boss told me to attach two pieces of wood together

I totally nailed it 🔨

grandma took my weed so i took her wheelchair.
now neither of us rolling 👵🏻

Menstruation jokes ain't funny, period. 🧧

So this girl blocked me on Facebook because I post too many things about birds. Well, toucan play that game. 🐦

Rain: I'm penetrating!!

Soil: Oh fuck. I'm wet. 💦

[FOREST]

ME: OMG! There's a Wolf

WIFE: Where ?

ME: No the regular kind. 🐺

Coconuts are mammals because they have fur and produce milk. Change my mind. 🥥

Having twelve breast sounds funny,
Dozen tits?

It takes guts to be an organ donor. ⚱

Because China essentially 9/11’d the entire world several times over with this virus, we will now refer to this as Chinaleven ©️

Ladies, if you’re bored, do your makeup. Then you’ll be pretty bored. 💄

Pollution so low that I can see the data stored in the clouds. 💾

What is the best thing about sex in the bible?
A second cumming. 💑

What time of day did God create Adam?
Just before Eve. 👩‍🦰

Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar? They each got 6 months! 📅

#punoftheday #haha

Some people crave pickles, but I don't make a big dill over it. 🥦

I washed my face in the kitchen sink...

And now I look quite dishy. 🍽️

Guess what proton said to the Electron

Well, nothing much ... He just asked him why he's always negative and pessimistic.

What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A Gummy Bear! 🐻

Small girls are hot because they are closer to the Earth's core.

Change my mind.

Went to a Blur concert...

Couldn't see much 😎

Today my son asked “Can I have a book mark?”

5 years and he still doesn’t know my names Michael. 🕺

A cat walks between a womans legs...Looks up and thinks...
I don't see the resemblance....... 🐈

Show me a person who is happy sober and I'll show you a lying asshole. 😆

Just imagine, if Covid 19 was transmitted sexually nobody would be giving a fuck! 🤦‍♂️

August without 'gust' is pure gold! !!

When I was a kid, my parents could only afford a secondhand calculator which was missing the 'X' button.

Times were hard.

I told Oxygen , Bromine,Hydrogen and Sodium to fight . They were like “NaH BrO”. 🤔

Российское государство обязательно придет на выручку.
Как только у населения появится выручка! 💱

Lots of puns here. Must be a pundemic.

Camouflage condoms: They'll never see you cumming.

Everytime I go on holiday my wife gets pregnant.

So, this year I'm taking her with me. 😜

I wish corona could’ve started in Las Vegas because what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas..!🤨

At the airport baggage carousel I noticed everyone else had a better bag than me.

It was the 'worst case' scenario.

Did you hear about the guy that lost the left side of his body in a car accident?

He's all right now.👌

— Что ты больше любишь: меня или суп?
— Первое...👍

If I was addicted to masturbation and then became addicted to sex would it be safe to say my addiction got out of hand ? 😎

Will glass coffins be a success?

💀

Remains to be seen.

A man who runs behind a car will get exhausted, but a man who runs in front of a car will get tired.

My girlfriend broke up with me because I don’t last long in bed.

I told her, “If you change your mind, call me. I’ll come right away.”

I was gunna make a gay joke.

Butt fuck it.

Guess who's getting some head tonight.

My pillow.

If two chefs are related，they're cuisines.

If two chefs are related，they're cuisines.

I wanted to drop a pun about the beach but Im not shore if it will be hilarious.

Bullets only do their job after they fired.

My Dad always says
“When one door shuts another one opens”
Wonderful man,
terrible cabinet maker!

The cemetery seems overcrowded. People must be dying to get inside.

I wanted to drop a pun about carpentry, but I'm not sure if it woodwork🤔.

My friend got fired at the coffee shop for coming to work in a T-shirt!

A kiss makes her day
but anal makes her hole weak.

It started with a bat, went quickly to toilet paper, and now everyone’s going nuts in quarantine.
We’ve all gone
bat, shit, crazy.

A bunch of cream filled pastries got arrested for price gouging .

They were profiteer rolls.

My only regret is that i didn't tell enough people que se vayan a la chingada.

Shaving with a razor takes a lot of courage. I used to shave my privates with one.
But I don't have the balls to do it anymore.

A lion wouldn't cheat on his wife but a Tiger Wood. 😂😩

There are two types of people in this world. Avoid both.

My Girlfriend left me because of my obsession with Linkin Park.
But In the end, it doesn't even matter.

For years I was against organ transplants.

Then I had a change of heart.

The porn star reunion was fun, it was great to come across old faces again.

I have a maths joke but I’m 2² to say it.

A friend of mine always helps me with maps and diagrams, pointing out all the little symbols and what they mean. The guys a legend.