Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Last night I had a dream that I died, went to hell and Satan made me karaoke with him...that's right, the devil made me duet! 👺

Before Einstein discovered relativity what did we call our family members?

- That Prostitute Just Bought A House. She's A Ho' Moaner Now. 😂

A beaver walks into a bar.
The bartender says "SHUT THE DAM DOOR" 🚪

A polar bear walks into a convenience store and says, "I'll have a coke and uuuuuuuuuhhhh candy bar."
The clerk says, "ceetainly... but why the long pause"
The polar bear looks at his hands and says, "I dont know, I've always had them".

A priest, a rabbi and a horse walked into a bar. Bartender says, "What is this? a joke?"

My dad always said you should fight fire with fire.
Great man.
Awful fireman. 🔥🚒👩‍🚒

I only like 25 letters in the alphabet
I don't know "y"

👴🏻: "You took my daughter's virginity"
👨🏼: "I'm sorry Sir, won't happen again"

The only City I'm gonna visit after lockdown ends is Obesity. 🏙

Men, never argue with a woman cos she's got four lips. 💋

What’s green and brown has 6 legs and if it falls out a tree it’ll kill you?

A snooker table. 🎱

My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce. We didn't see eye to eye. I also found out she was seeing someone on the side.

- Циля, сколько ты дала за эту прелестную шляпку?
- Ни разу, мне её муж купил! 👒

I was washing the car with my son today.

A passer by said "maybe you should use a sponge next time"😃

Orthodontists just announced they will go on nationwide strike.

Brace yourselves!

What did the tree say to autumn?

Leaf me alone.

What do you call a fly with no wings ? ........
A walk 🚶‍♀️

What do you call a person with no body and no nose?
Nobody knows. 👃

Google so useless I searched for a lighter and I got 2000 matches 😁

Question:
What Happened When 50cent Got Hungry?

58 😂😂😂

"I know of only two things that are infinite. The universe and human stupidity..... and I'm uncertain about the universe".
Albert Einstein

I was having sex with my girlfriend, Diana, when my roommate, Jones, entered the room.
I said, “I’m Indiana Jones, get out!”

A Marine boarded a train on his way home from deployment...
The train was quite crowded, and the Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed middle-aged French woman, but when he got there he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude.. My little Fifi is using that seat.."
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat available was under that dog. "Please, Ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired." She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!" This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window and sat down.
The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!" An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up.
"Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window." 🐩

In democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes. 😐

my next book- "How to Fall Down a Staircase:
a step-by-step guide" 📖

I’m hosting a charity event for people that can’t orgasm.
Let me know if you can’t come.

Last night my wife and I made love doggy style. I sat up and begged...she rolled over and played dead. 😎

A man who is uncircumcised is a complete dick. 😆

“Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love” - Albert Einstein

Light travels faster than sound, which is why people like you appear bright—until they open their mouths.

I can totally keep secrets. It’s the people I tell them to who can’t.

I hate it when I go to hug someone really sexy and my face smashes right into the mirror.🤗

I wanted to join Space Force, but ended up in the Air Force.
Recruiter told 'sky was the limit.' 🚀

Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?
He couldn't see himself doing it.

Do not believe the Belgian king. Frequently he waffles. I'm not going to sugar-coat it.

Which day do chickens

hate the most?

Friday. 🐔

What do you call a bear with no teeth?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A gummy bear 🐻

What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer?

A father in law. ✝️👨‍🎓

How do you keep a dummy in suspense?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
I'll tell you later.

I just ate a clock. It was time consuming. 🧭

If a king farts..

Is it a noble gas? 🧬

Я не понимаю,нафига заводить детей и внуков,если можно как миссис Хадсон сдать часть хаты каким-нибудь импульсивным,интересным геям и всю старость тусить с ними, периодически подъёбывая...

Grandpa complained that his new trousers fitted him like a cheap castle
There was no
Ballroom. 😯

Last night I had a dream about Gloria Gaynor...

At first I was afraid.... Then I was petrified 🤗

I tried to come up with a carpentry pun that woodwork. I think I nailed it but nobody saw it.

If a woman cockblocks another woman, is that a beaver dam or taco blocko? 😎

I used to work at a bank 🤔
but I lost interest 🤷‍♂️🤦‍♂️

Why don’t you ever find hippos hiding in trees..?
Because they’re so good at it.

What do you get when you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?
A brick layer! 🧱

She left me because I was average. Now she is telling everyone that I was mean to her.

What do you call a dog with no legs...?
It doesn't matter what you call him, he isn't going to come.

T-Rex hurt his knee.
He has a Dino Sore.

My friend David had his ID stolen.

Now we just call him Dav.🕊️

I put a blanket on a small pepper
He said he felt a little chili 🌶

I can't say enough about dry erase boards... they're remarkable.

A hole was found in the wall of a nudist camp.
The police are looking into it. 👮🏿‍♂️

Bought a bunch of boats today, couldn’t resist they were on sail.🚤⛵🚢

What’s the difference between a Zippo and a Hippo...

One is very heavy, the other is a little lighter !! 🦛

I wanted to purchase the famous painting called Water Lillies.

Sadly, I didn't have enough Monet......💰

A mathematician in quarantine began to eat his chips. He ate 1 then another, then 2, then 3, then 5 then 8...
He was stuck in a fibbi-nacho sequence. 📈

I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work.🤓

Well I wanted to make a joke about social distancing but this is as close as I could get.

My friend called me up freaking out saying an evil wizard had turned him into a harp. I rushed over to his house as fast as I could just to find out that he's a big lyre. 🤒

"All I have is diamonds, spades and clubs.", Tom said heartlessly. 🃏

I didn't think orthopedic shoes would help.
But I stand corrected.

A teacher asks her class what their favourite letter is.

A student puts up his hand and says "G".

The teacher says, "Why is that Angus?" 😃

When I accidentally stabbed myself with a pencil, I drew blood. 🩸

A blonde dude called the fire department screaming, "HURRY, MY HOUSE IS ON FIRE!" Fireman says, "Just tell us how to get there." Dude says, "Duh, big red truck"

Gentleman tip: If a lady sends pictures of her privates to you, you will respectfully thank for the cuntent provided.

How do you throw a space party?
You planet! 🥳🎉🎈

Teacher: what's more dangerous than a nuclear bomb explosion?
Me: hacking stack over flow and disable copy paste 😣

Woke up feeling like a banana. Anyway, speak to you later. Gotta split...🍌

What’s the difference between in-laws &outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted. 🤣

Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me poor and ugly.

Shooting at NASCAR event. Police believe it was race related. 🚗

I was at the park wondering

"why is the frisbee getting bigger and bigger???

And then it hit me....!!!

I was at the park wondering

"why is the frisbee getting bigger and bigger???

And then it hit me....!!!

A guy tried to annoy me with "bird puns"...but I soon realized toucan play this game.

New Tesla’s don’t come with the ‘new car smell’
They come with an Elon Musk 🚘