Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

My Korean friend died last week

So Yung.

LIFE HACKS/2023 Edition
1. If Bill Gates is involved, avoid it.
2. If Biden says it's true, it's false.
3. If the CDC, FDA say it's safe, it's dangerous.
4. If congress makes a law to help you, it will eventually hurt you.
5. If the media agrees, it's a lie.

HR: On your resume it says you went to Yale.
Me: Yes, for my sister’s graduation.

In my life I like to prioritise procrastination.

When someone yells out “You asshole!” while I’m driving I always wonder how they know.

Weak men create hard times.

In Europe, we use € instead of $ in jQuery.

What do you call a Dentist that doesn't like Tea?

Denis.

There was a leper who failed his driving test...

for leaving his foot on the gas

It is easier to optimize correct code than to correct optimized code.

What is the worst insult you can say to a ghost?

"Get a life!"

If you haven't found the rabbit hole by now, you're not looking for it.

Adam was one lucky man who didn't have a mother-in-law.

Don't put the Paul McCartney before the Paul McHorsey.

There's no test like production.

I walked into the liquor store and a guy working there asked me, "Do you need help?"

I said, "Yes, but I'm here to get whiskey instead."

The first day of school, I signed up for English, Math, Science, and Geography.

The rest, as they say, is history.

Do dogs runaway?

No, they Flea.

If your phone doesn’t ring when you’re struggling, remember to not pick up the calls when you’re winning.

Science is like sex. Sometimes something useful comes out of it, but that's not the reason we're doing it.

If you cannot explain something in simple terms, you don't understand it.

"Read the books they want to ban."

I have a friend who tried to take a selfie in the shower, but the image was too blurry.

He has selfie steam issues.

“Being poor is only romantic in books.”
― Sidney Sheldon, Rage of Angels

A pretty woman went to a mullah, “Please pray a cure me of my disease.”

Mullah said, ''I will pray for a cure for you, but as a token of gratitude, you must go to bed with me.”

She agreed, and the mullah had good sex.
Then the mullah asked, “Tell me, what is your ailment?”

“I have AIDS” replied the woman.

Never play darts with children. Their heads just bounce off the board.

Government: We injected you with poison.

Sheeple: Can I get my 5th booster now?!

Once, in the fifteenth Century B.C., there lived a pharaoh.

And that pharaoh once got a sexually transmitted disease.

All the best medics in Egypt tried to cure him, but all have failed. One day, an old man told him that in one oasis to the west, there was an old sect of priests who knew many secrets of medicine.

Quickly, the pharaoh ordered his men to go there and bring him sages from that sect. For weeks he waited, until finally, the priests stood before him.

The priests examined him and said that there was only one thing that could cure him. He must have sexual relations with a 72-year-old virgin.

The pharaoh was desperate enough to try. For weeks he suffered as his men scoured Egypt for a 72-year-old virgin.

Finally, they found one. And they brought her to the pharaoh. And he slept with her.

And, just like that, his disease was gone.

All of them: the woman, the priests, the old man, were generously rewarded with gold.

2100 years the story was distorted and became 72 virgins in paradise.

Do you speak English?
Yes!

Name?
Abdul Aziz.

Sex?
Three to five times a week.

No, no...I mean male or female?
Yes, both male and female

Holy cow!
Yes, cows, sheep, and goats.

But isn't that hostile?
Horse style, doggy style, any style!

Oh dear!
No, no! Deer run too fast...

"Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself”
(Matthew 22:37–39).

There's a Hungarian saying....

Whatever he says not even the opposite is true...

In the age of information, ignorance is a choice.

My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation.

She told me that I was so full of it.

It was the hardest dump I ever took.

I think my neighbor is having an affair with my wife. He's been miserable lately.

I didn’t know how a water purifier worked, but now it's become clear.

If it's illegal to financially support a "criminal terrorist group" why am I still paying taxes?

Just asking for a friend.

Bad days are not a good excuse to interrupt your good habits.

Tyranny is that which is legal for the government but illegal for the citizenry.

Take my advice, I'm not using it.

"There are more instances of the abridgment of the freedom of the people by gradual and silent encroachments of those in power than by violent and sudden usurpations." ~ James Madison

If you always vote for the lesser of two evils, you'll always get evil.

"We learn from history that we do not learn from history." ~ George Hegel

A Jewish man on the subway is reading an Arab newspaper

A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon.

Very upset, he approached him. "Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?"

Moshe replied, "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty. So I switched to the Arab newspaper.

Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, and Jews rule the world. The news is so much better!"

Meditation is basically a “don’t fall asleep sitting up” challenge.

"Everybody wants to hire the best. Nobody wants to pay them the best."

72 virgins in Islam.
“Promising pussy in the afterlife is the lowest thing I ever heard in my life”.

~ Bill Maher

I need new conspiracy theories. All my old ones came true!

I got a message on my printer that my cartridge was low so I brought it out fun day trip to the seaside to cheer it up…
it didn’t work though;it still complained about feeling empty inside…

Money does buy happiness, if you earned it.

Taxes history: During the reign of Edward III (1327-77), the citizens of Norwich had to pay the king 24 herring pies a year.

There are two outcomes once you get into business:

1) It eventually works
2) You give up before it does

That’s it.

"I think we have more machinery of government than is necessary, too many parasites living on the labor of the industrious."
- Thomas Jefferson (1824)

Teach your children early what you learned late.

Like income taxes, passports were a "temporary" war measure.

You’re offended when you fear that it might be true.

You are the reason God created middle finger.

One thing I dislike about cold weather is how cold it is.

A German walks into a bar and orders a martini.

"Dry?"

"No, just one!"

There is absolutely no way to prove for sure that anybody but you is real.

I now identify as This Little Piggy.

My pronouns are

We/We/We.

How many Palestinians does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They'll just sit in the dark and blame Jews.

What do you call a guy pouring water into a glass?

Phil.

Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.

- The last book I read was by George Orwell.
- 1984?
- No, last week.

Remember, if it's connected to the internet it can be used to spy on you.

What do you call an avocado at church?

Holy guacamole!

Every politician with ties to the World Economic Forum should be arrested on suspicion of high treason.

I am trying to follow The Science but it keeps leading me back to The Money.

I really like your LED headlights, can I look at them with my hammer?

Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries.

My neighbor figures the relationship with his girlfriend is very psychological. She's a psycho and he's logical.

Water puns “wet” your appetite?

It’s moistly best to dive right in and make a big splash when immersed.

Homework: If it goes too easy, you're doing it wrong.

Arguing with my wife is like reading a software license agreement.

In the end, I ignore it all and click “I agree.”

Why was algebra easier for the ancient Romans?

Because back then, X always equaled 10.

Taxation transcends mere theft; it's government-sanctioned extortion, enforcing payment in a currency under their ultimate control, to fund global havoc, all because you happen to live in a certain area they decided they rule.

This injustice is beyond profound.

Climate change is a scam to tax everything you do and keep you poor forever.

I just ate a frozen apple.

Hardcore.

Not to brag, but I've satisfied every waitress that has ever served me.

With just the tip.

You hate the current government.

I HATE GOVERNMENT.

We are not the same.