Wordplay Wonderland: Puns That Will Leave You Punderstruck!

I think I may remove my spine. I feel it's holding me back.

The person who discovered fire took a lot of heat for it, but the inventor of the wheel was a genuine roll model....

People have different reactions when experiencing great heights in the sky...At•most•fear

My friend told me that drinking beer would make him smarter. But, I don't think anything would make my Budweiser.

Did you hear about the woman who was urinating nickels and dimes? She was just going through her change.

A man was arrested coz he was stealing clothes off his neighbor’s washing line. He claimed he was ‘online’ shopping.

The pandemic has closed down so many businesses, it's not funny. But sometimes the only way to deal with it is to look at it in a lighter vein. We mourn the loss of the following businesses:
A local bra shop has gone bust.
A mining company has gone under.
A manufacturer of food blenders has gone into liquidation.
A dog kennels has had to call in the retrievers.
An origami book company has folded.
An aerial installation company has called in the receivers.
A key company has gone into lockdown.
A watchsmith has wound down and called time.
An ice cream shop has had its assets frozen.
A shoe factory has been soled and employees given the boot.
The Heinz factory has been canned as they couldn't ketchup with orders.
The tarmac company has reached the end of the road.
The bread company has run out of dough.
The laundrette has been taken to the cleaners.
And finally, the dry cleaners and ironing service has run out of steam.

My wife threw a fit when she dropped her Polish sausage on the ground...
What a soiled brat!

My girlfriend sent me this message.
“Helpmyspacebarbrokecanyoucomeoverandgivemeanalternative”
What’s does ‘ternative’ mean?

Kinda annoying you can't get tar at target.

The furniture store keeps calling me to come back.
But all I wanted was one night stand.

Why couldn't the Clam make new friends?

It's not because he was too shellfish, I think he just never opened up.

I thought we were being haunted by the spirit of a dead chicken, but it turned out to be a poultryguest.
I immediately contacted an eggsorcist.

Peet's Coffee is now offering Japanese rice wine. Let’s go soon...for Peet’s ‘sake’.

Would you like to hear a joke about dried grapes?
It's not that good- don't go raisin your expectations.

I have a fear of speed bumps.
I'm slowly getting over it.

The battery in my car got stolen. Don't know who took it, but I've got a couple of leads.

A Dung Beetle walks into a bar, and asks, "Is this stool taken?"

Puns are like refund. Some people just don't get it!

The astronaut was fooling around in space and failed to understand the gravity of the situation!

My horse has insomnia and keeps everyone awake.
She’s a nightmare.

What did the sand say as the tide came in?
Hey, long time no sea.

I got a pair of gloves yesterday, but they’re both ‘lefts’, which on the one hand is great, but on the other, it’s just not right.

Learning how to manage stress is very important. I can't stress that enough!

A NAKED BISEXUAL POLAR BEAR WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER IS A BARE BIPOLAR BI POLAR BEAR.

Joe submitted his idea for a pencil with erasers on both ends but the manufacturers declined and thought it was pointless.

A male snake charmer married a female undertaker.
Their bath towels read "Hiss" and "Hearse".

I'm thinking of buying a villa in the south of France... I've got nothing Toulouse.

A mother who makes a match for her daughter usually intends to referee it as well.

Have you ever heard of Honeymoon Salad?
It's lettuce alone with no dressing...

I caught my son chewing ln electrical cords
So I had to ground him
Hes doing better currently
And conducting himself properly ...

I submitted ten puns to a pun competition hoping atleast one would win.

But no pun in ten did.

Just discovered a mountain of gold! If it pans out, it’s all mine.

I was thinking about a new career as a painter and decorator but there's an awful lot I need to brush up on.

I was gunna buy some tea off Amazon... but the price was too steep...

You said everything would be back to normal after June.
JULYED.

What's do you see when you look down a mole hole.... molasses.

Why did the hipster burn her tongue? She sipped her coffee before it was cool.

I've given up on DIY. Drilling holes is boring......

Q: What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A: A nervous wreck.

I joined a dating agency in Ukraine.
Now I have a
chick in Kiev.

Irish they’d use birth control in Ireland. Lass time I checked their population was Dublin.

The inch worm was upset because his wife said that he didn't measure up in bed.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Don't you hate it at the airport when everyone has got better looking luggage than you?
It's a worst case scenario.

Scratch & Sniff, Inc. got nailed from fewer odors. Their business no longer makes scents.

I just retired from 30 years of being a trampoline salesman. Looking back, there's been so many ups and downs.

I bought a scarecrow and even though it didn’t scare any crows , I still had to give it a great review on Amazon.
Because it was just out standing.

After buying a new sail for my boat, Amazon told me it's too late to cancel my order.
That sail has shipped.

I tried ordering fishing gear on amazon, but it was a scam.
Oh my Rod, it was Click Bait!

Don't order hay for your horse off Amazon.
After a couple of days they'll ask for your feed back.

A courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reason... details are sketchy.

Went into a wig shop and asked the lady if the wigs are free, or if I have toupee.

It should not be surprising that some train engineers are a little crazy. They have locomotives.

I became really emotional at the petrol pump today.
I don't know why but I just started filling up...

Masks are like condoms. If you're wearing it, you can come inside.

My friend told me that he doesn't know what cloning machines do.
I told him that makes two of us...

She refused to pay her septic tank bill. So, rather than dumping her, they decided to sewer.

If a vegetarian starts eating meat, do they lose their veg-inity?

I’m in the early stages of writing a book about hurricanes and tornados.
It’s just a draft at the moment.

My wife left me because she says I'm too old fashioned.
I'll wager a shilling she's courting a chap who's a scoundrel.

When the Army barracks bathroom is in use, it's usually by the loo tenant.

If desperate times breed desperate wordplay, we need to prepare for a Pundemic !

After you Finnish a difficult task, Denmark it on your calendar. There's Norway you want to forget the Swede feeling of success.

I had the best ice pun to tell you all but the problem is...
it slipped my mind!

I could never be a taxi-driver... I hate people talking behind my back.

I was going to write a pun about an itch. But while trying to finger it out, it got scratched.

I wanted to take home the left-overs from the BBQ, but someone else foiled my plans.

Watched a documentary about beavers.
Best dam show I’ve seen.

I explained to the group that I couldn’t help them dig for water because I’m not a well man.

I’VE GOT A PHOBIA OF OVER-ENGINEERED BUILDINGS.
It’s a complex complex complex.

The Fireman hired his high school flame as his secretary. After several heated arguments, he realized she wood knot be a good match, so he fired her.

Sad News:
I saw a pepper freeze to death.
It was a little chilli.

"Give it to me! I'm so wet! "
She could yell all she wanted, I still wasn't gonna give her the umbrella.

Many girls feel the word 'marriage' has a nice ring to it.

My wife is going to birth twins!
If boys: Pete and Repeat;
If girls: Kate and DupliKate.

I saw an eagle kneeling in my garden today.
It's a Bird of pray.

I bought a piece of rock yesterday 1760 yards long.
Another milestone in my life.

If you are scared of lifts take steps to avoid them.

I asked my local baker for his secret bread recipe but he refused.
He said it was only on a knead to dough basis.