Weirdest Jokes: Bizarre Humor for Adventurous Minds.

I don't like chairs. They go against everything I stand for.

Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar…You can't tell me that's just a coincidence !

Your laundry is never 100% done unless you wash your clothes naked.

When I see a shoe on the side of the road I wonder if Cinderella is in a nearby house.

Why does a fireman wear RED suspenders?
To keep his pants up!

My life has never gone according to plan. So I just stopped planning.

When a cougar gets so old she needs a hearing aid, she becomes a Def Leppard...

Tired all the time?
Don't worry!
There's an nap for that!!

A goalie's goal in life is to have no goals.

Told a stranger on a bus that I liked rhetorical questions.
He said, "Who cares?"
I said, "that's a classic!"

I used to be a people-person... but people ruined that for me.

Two cannibals are enjoying dinner. One compliments the other:
"I say Bill, your wife really makes a great meal.".

Clapping literally makes no sense. Who decided the greatest way to show approval is to hit yourself repeatedly?

A relief map shows where the restrooms are.

I can't stand sitting.

People who try to test my patience don't realize it's an exam I don't plan on passing.

I’m looking for a book on how to fix automatic gearboxes, but the library only has manuals.

She was a terrible carpenter. She wasted too much time painting her nails.

I'm off to a camp to help me concentrate. Sounds like a lovely concentration camp.

I hear there are people going around stealing refrigerators.

That’s cold.

Worrying actually works.
Most of the things I worry about never happen!

My mate said: "You really have no sense of direction, do you?"
I said: "Where did that come from?"

A lethal dose is also a lifetime supply.

I am probably the most non-confrontational person you’ll ever meet. You got a problem with that?

Just started a new exaggeration club. So far over 2 billion members............

I hate telling friends that I’m a taxidermist. When they ask, “What do you do all day ?” I say you know, stuff !

I heard a really good time travel joke tomorrow.

To survive in water, you don't have to be good at swimming, you just have to be bad at drowning.

I find it interesting that the person who coined the term "coined the term" actually coined the term "coined the term."

Every time you close a tap after washing your hands you get back some of the germs you left on the tap when you were opening it.

I hate it when you ask someone if they want sugar in their tea and they say "No. I'm sweet enough,"
and instead of laughing along with them you kill them.

Never assume the plume of the fume of the legume can be masked with perfume.

I held up my clock to a mirror. It was time for reflection.

My missus is leaving me because of my obsession with TV Police dramas...

For the benefit of the tape, she just left the room!

There was a tap on my door this morning,
I really must get a new plumber.

A friend has bought an old aircraft, taken the wings off, and turned it into a restaurant beside the airport terminal.

I don't think it will take off.

My mate and I are having an electrical-cable stripping competition.

It's going right down to the wire.

I’ve found if you tuck one part of a pants leg into your sock, people expect less of you.

My brother owns a successful business that sells prosthetic limbs all over the world.

He’s an international arms dealer.

If every person on Earth blinked at the same time, nobody would ever find out.

Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 capsules at me.
Luckily my injuries are only super fish oil.

How can you tell a vampire has a cold?
They start coffin.

I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center.
I will call it “Pick Your Nose”.

I was gonna try cannibalism, but I gave up when I got cold feet.

Wanna know the secret of success?
Two simple rules:
1. Never tell them everything you know.

Here are the three ways you can help improve your memory
1. Don’t forget

My girl left me because I wear a different shirt every hour. I asked her to stay and promised I'd change.

I stepped on a cupcake then an ice cream sandwich then a fruit cake. The street was deserted.

In Iceland it is illegal to walking your Dog naked, that also goes for Tesco and Asda.

Just found out the bus shelter round the corner from me has been stolen.
Honestly where do these people get off?

I really need a fan in my room. Not a big one, just a little one who can cheer me on and support me whenever I need it.

You want to know what a Pancreas is for?
Let me break it down for you.

I got a rapid test this morning and I am NOT rapid.

My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and burn them...

I did that, and feel much better, but I am wondering, do I keep the letters?

Sometimes, the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is an idiot.

A guy lost one of the digits on his foot. His girlfriend dumped him, because she was lack-toes intolerant.

My friend told me he thought I was delusional.

I nearly fell off my unicorn.

Her: "Undress me with your words."
Me: "I saw a spider in your bra."

It's amazing how fast employees at the hardware store are willing to help after you try starting a chainsaw.

I've had some wonderful relationships with inflatable dolls in the past, but they always blow up in my face.

A transvestite wearing a mini skirt really shows some balls.

I wanted to be a carpenter but i screwed it up.

I used to work as a croupier, until I broke my arm.

I found it hard to deal with.

There are two types of people. People who divide people into two types, and people who don’t.

Did you hear about the dentist and the manicurist? They fought tooth and nail.

Never trust an acupuncturist! They are a bunch of back stabbers!

Everyone should be more or less specific.

I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they're hatching some kind of evil plan.

I got called pretty today.

...well, actually, the full statement was “you’re pretty annoying”, but I only focus on positive things.

The main problem with the upper crust of society is that it's often just a bunch of crumbs held together by dough.

A detective is working on a case.
He doesn't have a desk.

I pulled a muscle while digging for gold...
It’s a miner injury.

I got arrested for stealing a complete set of encyclopedias...

I said to the police “Hang on, I can explain everything...”

I went to a nightclub that was full of Orcs, Hobbits and Elves...

It was Mordor on the dancefloor...

Whether a vacuum is on or off, it's always collecting dust.

Two blood cells met and fell in love, but alas, it was all in vein.

Me and a friend managed to sell 800 stolen knives.
But I wasn't happy with my cut.

The other day I had acupuncture done. When it was all done I was totally disappointed.

I went into my local printers today and said, "I need a 6 foot A, a 6 foot S and a 6 foot K, and I need them by tomorrow".

He said, "I'll see what I can do but it's a big ask...”

I went down on one knee last night. These native American woman have weird names.