Weird Jokes: Bizarre Humor for Adventurous Minds.

Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 capsules at me.
Luckily my injuries are only super fish oil.

How can you tell a vampire has a cold?
They start coffin.

I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center.
I will call it “Pick Your Nose”.

I was gonna try cannibalism, but I gave up when I got cold feet.

Wanna know the secret of success?
Two simple rules:
1. Never tell them everything you know.

Here are the three ways you can help improve your memory
1. Don’t forget

My girl left me because I wear a different shirt every hour. I asked her to stay and promised I'd change.

I stepped on a cupcake then an ice cream sandwich then a fruit cake. The street was deserted.

In Iceland it is illegal to walking your Dog naked, that also goes for Tesco and Asda.

Just found out the bus shelter round the corner from me has been stolen.
Honestly where do these people get off?

I really need a fan in my room. Not a big one, just a little one who can cheer me on and support me whenever I need it.

You want to know what a Pancreas is for?
Let me break it down for you.

I got a rapid test this morning and I am NOT rapid.

My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and burn them...

I did that, and feel much better, but I am wondering, do I keep the letters?

Sometimes, the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is an idiot.

A guy lost one of the digits on his foot. His girlfriend dumped him, because she was lack-toes intolerant.

My friend told me he thought I was delusional.

I nearly fell off my unicorn.

Her: "Undress me with your words."
Me: "I saw a spider in your bra."

It's amazing how fast employees at the hardware store are willing to help after you try starting a chainsaw.

I've had some wonderful relationships with inflatable dolls in the past, but they always blow up in my face.

A transvestite wearing a mini skirt really shows some balls.

I wanted to be a carpenter but i screwed it up.

I used to work as a croupier, until I broke my arm.

I found it hard to deal with.

There are two types of people. People who divide people into two types, and people who don’t.

Did you hear about the dentist and the manicurist? They fought tooth and nail.

Never trust an acupuncturist! They are a bunch of back stabbers!

Everyone should be more or less specific.

I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they're hatching some kind of evil plan.

I got called pretty today.

...well, actually, the full statement was “you’re pretty annoying”, but I only focus on positive things.

The main problem with the upper crust of society is that it's often just a bunch of crumbs held together by dough.

A detective is working on a case.
He doesn't have a desk.

I pulled a muscle while digging for gold...
It’s a miner injury.

I got arrested for stealing a complete set of encyclopedias...

I said to the police “Hang on, I can explain everything...”

I went to a nightclub that was full of Orcs, Hobbits and Elves...

It was Mordor on the dancefloor...

Whether a vacuum is on or off, it's always collecting dust.

Two blood cells met and fell in love, but alas, it was all in vein.

Me and a friend managed to sell 800 stolen knives.
But I wasn't happy with my cut.

The other day I had acupuncture done. When it was all done I was totally disappointed.

I went into my local printers today and said, "I need a 6 foot A, a 6 foot S and a 6 foot K, and I need them by tomorrow".

He said, "I'll see what I can do but it's a big ask...”

I went down on one knee last night. These native American woman have weird names.

My number one rule to live by...
Don't die.

I hate when I intend to dilly-dally, but end up lollygagging & gallivanting instead.

Knowledge is like underwear.
It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.

My kids were fighting over which one of them gets to eat the last slice of pizza.
I ran over, knocked them both aside and devoured it myself.
Felt it was my duty to keep the piece.

My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused food, drinks. He spat and swore at anyone who came near him and started throwing things everywhere.

After that we NEVER played Monopoly again.

I had an appointment with a fortune teller today.
She told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I left all excited and got run over by a Securicor van!

A woodcutter once decided to build his own motor bike. He used wood for the frame, wood for the engine, wood for the brakes, and even a wooden gas tank.

Did he ride it? No...

It wooden start!

A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

I saw a person with no chin and all I could think was.....

How on earth do they change a pillow case..?

I have developed a very intricate plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

To ensure I won't die, I'll forever stay in my living room !

What's the difference between zero degrees and a jalapeno pepper?
One is really really cold, the other is just a little chile.

I was unsuited to become a nudist.

A midge was left speechless after being pickpocketed...he never believed anyone could stoop so low...

Me: What’s black and white and red all over?
A newspaper....
Kids today:
What’s a newspaper?

We we’re so poor growing up. We couldn’t even afford clothes.
On my 15th birthday I got a hat so I could look out of the window.

If you go outside, you will be outstanding.

Roof repair man never turned up today. I'm guttered.

An actor I know kept falling through the floor in pantomime. I think it was just a stage he was going through.

The fungus that causes dandruff is on everybody’s scalp but nobody knows why it doesn’t cause dandruff for everyone. It’s a real head-scratcher.

A man was stabbed with an icicle.
He died from cold cuts.

What’s good at fighting dry mouth?

The Salivation Army

What’s good at fighting dry mouth?

The Salivation Army

Bought a new recliner sofa. Apparently if I don’t like it, I can take it back.

I went to the store during the winter and there were gloves everywhere, right and left.

Won a prize in the local time travel club raffle. Two tickets to the 1966 World Cup final.

I used to install kitchen work surfaces, until I was arrested for counter fitting.

Heard that burglars used a potato to smash a window and gain entry to a local house, but the evidence may have been planted.

I used to work in a Hand grenade factory.
It was so quiet, you could hear a pin drop.

My inventor uncle had no luck.
He was always just missing out.
He invented WD 39 )

I'm flying with an Indian airline tomorrow but they only allow curry on baggage.

I phoned my local Builder’s merchant for skip hire advice
They told me to use a shorter rope !

The pessimist saw cups half empty.
The optimist saw cups half full.
The lady slapped them both for staring.

On a sign outside a
secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.

Where do typists go for a drink?

" The Space Bar"

What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?

About halfway!

Desperately need to buy a new bed, but not going to rush into it. I’ll sleep on it.

Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy, I hear you ask.

There are two secrets to success in life:

1. Don’t tell them everything you know.