Weird Jokes: Bizarre Humor for Adventurous Minds.

I found out today I have CDO. It’s like OCD, except the letters are in alphabetical order, like they should be.

When I was younger, I said to my dad: "Can I use the lawnmower to make some extra money?"
"Sure son, you go ahead".
So I sold it.

There's been a lot of changes in the past year, so the wife and I started going to marriage counselling.
"Look at you, sitting there in your short skirt, high heels and your fake boobs, it's disgusting."
"I am what I am," I replied.!!

Just read a book on Stockholm Syndrome. Started off terribly, but thought it was great by the time I finished it.

I was approached by a member of Greenpeace in the street the other day and he told me that if I don't donate £2 a month then people in Africa will die.

I can't believe Greenpeace employ such violent people.

I am so fed up with people, at times i hate being a cannibal.

If you spell the words "Absolutely Nothing" backwards, you get "Gnihton Yletulosba," which ironically means...
Absolutely nothing.

I always wanted to learn how to juggle, but never had the balls for it.

I was home alone naked in the bathtub when suddenly there was a tap on my shoulder.

50 years ago you had to get really fucking drunk to drop your phone in a urinal.

What do you call a man obsessed with boobs? A chestnut.

On poker night, we always had a brief spelling bee to determine who the first dealer would be. Our rule: Whoever spelt it, dealt it.

I often wonder how things worked out for that guy who grabbed the bull by the horns.

I've been off work all week
Because my pet cow is sick,
My boss thinks I'm milking it.

Latest news: The Photo store was robbed. Details later, as they develop.

Dr. Frankenstein entered a body building competition and soon realized he misunderstood the goal.

Is it true that in the army all Colonels eventually get promoted, or is that a generalization?

My friend asked me why I was wearing a lamp shade over my face.
I replied, “Because I am feeling light headed.”

People are like dogs: There's always someone who loves you for you and there's someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.

All I'm saying is if I'm not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.

Why did the gardener plant light bulbs?
She wanted to grow a power plant.

So Chauvinists do exist, I was driving in the pouring rain, and spotted a guy holding an umbrella over he's lady friend, while she was changing the tyre.

I was going to post a joke about the Suez Canal, but that ship has sailed.

My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized.

Somebody told me I need adult supervision.
I was like "I Know!"
It would be awesome to be able to see through walls and shoot lasers out my eyes.

What do you call an eight foot tall man whose armed with a shotgun?
Sir.

In marriage and in yoga, downwind is the worst position to be.

I called the co-dependent hotline, they asked me to have someone press 2.

Water is never really yours. It's just your turn to drink it.

It's better to have loved a short girl
Than to have never loved a tall.

80% of my life is pulling percentages out of thin air and stating them as facts.

There was a classified ad in my local newspaper. Not allowed to tell you what it was selling.

I always knew that one day I'd end up face-down in the gutter. I just didn't expect everyone to keep on bowling.

Friend requested we get together and share some cocktails.
I replied “No, I prefer to keep my sex life private ”.

Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.

You know what's weird?
The term "Full of holes."

Why do women always say they want a man with a stable job?
What’s so glamorous about cleaning up after horses?

I want to share some tips on how to overcome procrastination. But not today.

Why do people ask "What the hell were you thinking?"
Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not have to explain it.

If Humans go extinct, literally no one will care.

I don't like chairs. They go against everything I stand for.

Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar…You can't tell me that's just a coincidence !

Your laundry is never 100% done unless you wash your clothes naked.

When I see a shoe on the side of the road I wonder if Cinderella is in a nearby house.

Why does a fireman wear RED suspenders?
To keep his pants up!

My life has never gone according to plan. So I just stopped planning.

When a cougar gets so old she needs a hearing aid, she becomes a Def Leppard...

Tired all the time?
Don't worry!
There's an nap for that!!

A goalie's goal in life is to have no goals.

Told a stranger on a bus that I liked rhetorical questions.
He said, "Who cares?"
I said, "that's a classic!"

I used to be a people-person... but people ruined that for me.

Two cannibals are enjoying dinner. One compliments the other:
"I say Bill, your wife really makes a great meal.".

Clapping literally makes no sense. Who decided the greatest way to show approval is to hit yourself repeatedly?

A relief map shows where the restrooms are.

I can't stand sitting.

People who try to test my patience don't realize it's an exam I don't plan on passing.

I’m looking for a book on how to fix automatic gearboxes, but the library only has manuals.

She was a terrible carpenter. She wasted too much time painting her nails.

I'm off to a camp to help me concentrate. Sounds like a lovely concentration camp.

I hear there are people going around stealing refrigerators.

That’s cold.

Worrying actually works.
Most of the things I worry about never happen!

My mate said: "You really have no sense of direction, do you?"
I said: "Where did that come from?"

A lethal dose is also a lifetime supply.

I am probably the most non-confrontational person you’ll ever meet. You got a problem with that?

Just started a new exaggeration club. So far over 2 billion members............

I hate telling friends that I’m a taxidermist. When they ask, “What do you do all day ?” I say you know, stuff !

I heard a really good time travel joke tomorrow.

To survive in water, you don't have to be good at swimming, you just have to be bad at drowning.

I find it interesting that the person who coined the term "coined the term" actually coined the term "coined the term."

Every time you close a tap after washing your hands you get back some of the germs you left on the tap when you were opening it.

I hate it when you ask someone if they want sugar in their tea and they say "No. I'm sweet enough,"
and instead of laughing along with them you kill them.

Never assume the plume of the fume of the legume can be masked with perfume.

I held up my clock to a mirror. It was time for reflection.

My missus is leaving me because of my obsession with TV Police dramas...

For the benefit of the tape, she just left the room!

There was a tap on my door this morning,
I really must get a new plumber.

A friend has bought an old aircraft, taken the wings off, and turned it into a restaurant beside the airport terminal.

I don't think it will take off.

My mate and I are having an electrical-cable stripping competition.

It's going right down to the wire.

I’ve found if you tuck one part of a pants leg into your sock, people expect less of you.

My brother owns a successful business that sells prosthetic limbs all over the world.

He’s an international arms dealer.

If every person on Earth blinked at the same time, nobody would ever find out.