Weird Jokes: Bizarre Humor for Adventurous Minds.

The butchers meat store caught on fire. You know what he did? He grabbed his meat and beat it.

I gave my pet snake to the zoo.
He was developing a bad adder-tude!

WHAT'S MARRIAGE MADE OF? For men It's 3% compromise, 3% love and 94% accepting that you've lost an argument and have to fold the laundry or dry the dishes in silence.

Years ago I used to DJ at Stonehenge, but I no longer mix in those circles.

What do you do when a yoga guru goes missing?
Nothing. They’ll find themself.

Yesterday I wanted to go jogging but then I thought, in the Bible the Proverbs 28:1 say that: "The wicked run when no one is chasing them". So I changed my mind...

I threw some protein bars in the trash outside and now some raccoons are bench pressing my neighbor's Great Dane in the backyard.

I took a shower the other day...
But thought I should bring it back incase someone else needed it....

Are there any other sleepwalkers out there that do anything else other than just walk around?
I'm just wandering.

Honesty is the key to a smooth relationship. So if you can fake that, YOU'RE IN...

What is E.T short for?
Because he has small legs.

I don't always exercise....
But when I do, I'll do it tomorrow,

My wife just threw away bubble wrap without popping it.
Just like that.
I'm married to an animal.

I met my wife on the net; we were both bad trapeze artists.

What do clowns get turned on by?
Balloon blow-up dolls.

Q. What do tofu and a dildo have in common?
A. They are both meat substitutes.

What do you call a cow with no hair?
Smooooth.

Every time I walk through baggage reclaim at an airport, I burst into tears. I'm case sensitive.

"She slap her daughter, because she was drunk."
Who was drunk the daughter or the mother?

What is green and found in trees? Giraffe snot...

If You had a moth ball in one hand and a moth ball in the other what do you get? A bloody big moth.

I bumped into a cross eyed woman today, she shouted “You need to look where you are going”!
I said “You need to go where you are looking”!

Magician:"Go ahead, pick a card, any card."
So I took his Visa.

So to the person who stole my train set...
What goes around, comes around!

Saw a man standing on one leg at an ATM. I asked him what he was doing and he replied, “Just checking my balance.”

I think abs are for guys that don't have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.

Kissing someone is like accepting their 'germs and conditions!!

One of my kitchen utensils seems to be playing classical music. Think it's the Chopin board.

What’s the difference between a circus and a brothel?
A circus has a cunning array of stunts.

Just gave the Earth a one-star rating and a bad review on TripAdvisor to discourage any aliens that were planning an invasion.

Someone broke into the school library and stole all the book shelves, the police say its a textbook case.

Not all construction work is the same. Drilling a hole is boring, but connecting 2 pieces of metal is riveting.

I woke up in the fireplace this morning. I guess you can say I slept like a log.

I don't know who needs to know this but even if a bear wears socks and shoes, he still has bear feet.

The coach wanted to scold his team for getting shut out, but decided that doing so would be pointless.

Had to take down my tennis court in this quiet residential area. The neighbors said I was raising too much of a racquet.

What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter?
An irrelephant.

The report said he was injured in the fracas, that sounds really painful.

I cant be bothered to do much laundry so i'm just gonna throw in the towel.

I'm a very good lover!
Want to know why?
It's because I practice a lot on my own..

So what did E.T.'s mother say to him when he got home?

"Where on earth have you been love?!"

Him: what's wrong?
Her: I think we should see other people.
Him: What? Why??
Her: I don't feel we are working out.
Him:...
Her:?
Him: But I just bought us gym memberships!!

When you’re a kid, you hate those moments when there is absolutely nothing to do.
As an adult, you live for them.

It must be really hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest because I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.

Somebody's been sneaking in here at night while I'm sleeping and stealing my nail clippers. I think it's a crept toe maniac.

What do you call a person who’s afraid of livestock?
A COWard!

If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea.

Afterism - A concise, clever statement you don't think of until too late.

My Wife wants to go out dressed as a Vulture this evening.
Over my dead body.

There is a skunk that regularly attends our church services.
It has it's own pew.

Im optimistic in a pessimistic way.

Why is it so hard for companies to do inventory in Afghanistan ? Because of the tally ban !

My friend tried to convince me that yoga is a workout...
I told him it's a bit of a stretch.

What do you call a knight who is afraid to fight? Sir Render.

My dentist joined the army and they made him a Drill Sergeant.

The truth may ring out like a bell, but it is seldom ever tolled.

Duct tape.
Say no more.

Last night I performed at a viagra benefit hardest gig I ever done.

Why are large maps rubbish at playing poker? They always fold.

Today I'm not going to work, because I'm sick.
SICK OF MY JOB!

"Will you marry me" is a marriage proposal.
"Will, you, Mary, me" is a foursome proposal.

I have said it before. I will at it again. If anyone is into wife swapping. I will take a dirt bike or a puppy. Hit me up.

I'm in big trouble if my coworkers find out that I really don't have Tourette's.

My wife refuses to go to karaoke with me. I have to duet alone.

My son asked me to explain women to him, so I bought him an XBOX game for his Playstation.

Let's take warning labels off every product and let natural selection improve the gene pool.

DON'T JUDGE ME for the choices I make... when you don't know the options I had to choose from!

New marital Status update: Taken, but only for GRANTED.

Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.

My bed has no frame and sits directly on the floor because under-bed monsters are just one less thing I have to worry about now.

I was going to cook alligator for dinner, but realized that I only have a croc pot.

What’s the difference between a teacher and a train?
Teacher says: “Spit out that gum!”
Train says: “Chew! Chew!”

Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.

I've tried several times, but I can't pet a cat without plotting world domination.

I like to help people find things by pointing out that its gotta be around here somewhere.

I was on the treadmill for over an hour and I must say it is much easier with roller blades.

Today’s society is a good example of what happens when you let clowns run the circus!

My friend said he was thinking of buying a car with a transparent driving wheel.
I told him to steer clear.

My favorite thing about marriage is sharing a house with the person most likely to murder me.

Had to quit my job as a glass blower.
I inhaled, and now I have a pane in my chest.