Weird Jokes: Bizarre Humor for Adventurous Minds.

Full disclosure: My late father worked on and off as a stripper. He also did refinishing and other carpentry work.

Someone crashed into a power pole. Something tells me they won't take that line down.

Truckers are esteemed members of society. Even their license calls them Class C.

No wonder people don't like the SSA.
It's ass, backwards.

I thought my friend was pregnant, but it turns out she wasn't.
It was just a missed conception.

Two carpenters competed against each other to see who could build the most steps in a set amount of time.
It was a stairing contest.

Rumor has it a Friends reunion is in the works...
They better not be Phoebing.

How did the inventor of ExLax get so rich?
Craps.

How do jewelers show their patriotism?
Independence.

I hate visiting the stables with my wife.
All it is is nag, nag, nag.

What did the meteorologist do the rock wall?
Climate.

Sign in a pet shop window: "Free legless parakeet. No perches necessary."

Today I discovered that two wrongs definitely don't make a right.
Tomorrow I'm going to try three.

A friend of mind accidentally ate some daffodil bulbs.
The hospital said he’ll be out in the spring.

Putting your finger on someone's lips and saying, "Shhh...not another word." is super romantic...but my coworker didn't think so.

She says I keep pushing her buttons. If that were true, I would have found 'mute' by now.

"It's the thought that counts" doesn't include showering.
You have to actually do that.

Having a relationship without trust is like having a cell phone without service, all you can do is play games!

Tonight’s meeting of Apathy Anonymous has been cancelled due to lack of interest.

So I said to the doctor "I think these last tablets you gave me are the wrong ones."
The doctor peered over his glasses and asked "why do you think that?"
"Because I keep veering to the left and then veering to the right!" ....
"Oh" he says ... "their just side effects!"

I had lunch at the Time Travel Buffet and went back four seconds.

I'm trying to beat the world record for ironing, i'm going flat out.

If you lost a wallet with $300 in it, text me.
I found the empty wallet.

Some people are like an old tv set, they need to be slapped a couple of times to get the picture.

Once I tried snorting coke, but the ice cubes kept getting stuck in my nose .

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

What do you call someone who comes over uninvited and tries to get you to work out with them?
A Jehovah fitness.

Did you know the word "gullible" isn't in the dictionary?

Seeing a spider isn't a problem.

It becomes a problem when the spider disappears.

I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning. I don't know whose side I am on.

Disappointment.
Running into a wall with an erection and breaking your nose.

For every idiot proof system devised, a new and improved idiot will arise to overcome it.

Sometimes I like to live dangerously and respond to new emails immediately.

Nothing is impossible?

I disagree. I'm doing nothing right now.

The rules of the superglue club are very strict, but everyone adheres to them.

Judge to defendant - "Have you ever been up before me?"
Defendant - "I'm not sure, what time do you normally wake up?"

If A is for Apple and B is for Banana then what is C for?
Plastic Explosive.

“I’m going to be a little bit late” -people that are going to be very late.

I was so upset when I found out I had been cloned.
I was totally beside myself.

When I rule the world, it will be illegal to have an opinion until you've proven that you are not an idiot.

What is the difference between unlawful and illegal?

One is in violation of the law and the other is a sick bird.

Fitness experts recommend walking 10,000 steps per day to remain healthy.
That is an awful lot of trips to the fridge.

I'm going to go stand outside now.
...so if anyone asks, I am outstanding.

The owner of our local ice rink was crying and pulling his hair out. I think he’d had a meltdown

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, but I never got around to it.

I'm an optimist.
I didn't lose a sock in the dryer.
I found an extra one!

Me: I have many hidden talents.
Someone: Like what?
Me: I don't know. They're all hidden.

The way I miss sex
I even feel jealous when I put a key in a padlock.

Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that does not fit any of your containers.

Asked my wife why she married me,she said" Because you're really funny" I said " I thought it was because I was good in bed"? Her reply "see you're hilarious "

You've got to love yourself. But not in public places.

Has anyone tried that new 007 glue?
It Bonds in seconds.

A son tells his father, "I have an imaginary girlfriend." The father sighs and says, "You know, you could do better." "Thanks Dad," the son says. The father shakes his head and goes, "I was talking to your girlfriend."

What do you called a one legged woman?
Eileen.
What do you call a one legged Chinese woman?
Irene.

Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.

Some friends of mine won't believe me that I can make cement, they've asked for concrete evidence.

If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny sh!t.

"How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?" -guy who invented condoms

No one will ever look at you the way I do... But that's probably because no one will ever do it from the tree outside your window.

I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”

My love for you burns stronger than any urinary tract infection.

A pirate swaggers into a bar with a ship's wheel sticking out of his pants. One of the bar's patrons walked up to him and said "Pardon me, is that a ship's wheel?" The pirate replied, "Arrgh, it's drivin' me nuts."

The words "Do Not Touch" must be terrifying to read in Braille...😳

If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare ahead and say,"Did you bring the money?"

So my rum and raisin cake is gluten free.
It’s also raisin free. And cake free.
OK it’s just rum.

How do you stop an astronaut's baby from crying?
You Rocket!

Being healthy means dying slowly.

1. Denial 2. Anger 3. Bargaining 4. Depression 5. Acceptance – My stages of getting ready for work.

A cat has just given birth in a public park
and has been fined $50 for littering.

Q: Difference between a trombone player and a frog going down the street?
A: Frog is on his way to a gig.

You’d be amazed how often I’m wrong when people say guess what.

I watch CSI for the great tips they give out.

If someone says “you’re funny” instead of laughing, you’re not.

If your problem can’t be solved by me saying “damn” and nodding a lot, then you shouldn’t come to me for help.

Allow me to explain myself via a new communication method I like to call "Interpretive Napping".

Elevators are so stupid. They have a button for the floor I'm already on.

Why are most photographers pessimists?
They focus on the negatives.

Sometimes i wonder what happened to the people who asked me for directions.

I asked my boss "What do you want me to do with this 6 metre roll of bubble wrap?"
He replied, "Just pop it in the corner".
4 hours it took me!

So I bought a new refrigerator the other day and put the old one in my front garden with a sign saying: `Free if you want it, take it'.
It sat there for three days.. no one wanted it.
I then changed the sign to: `For sale £50'.
The next day somebody stole it!