Get Your Daily Dose of Laughter with Our Funny One-Liners !

Watched a documentary on hypnosis and now, every time the microwave beeps, I shit my pants.

A week ago Thursday was National Procrastination Day. Time to celebrate!

Alcohol is a solution, just not to your problems...

Hummingbirds are just regular birds that don’t know the words to the song.

Yesterday I cried for four hours for no reason whatsoever so don't tell me I don't have hobbies.

What did the big bucket say to the little bucket? You look a little pail.

Meditation is just like: Go be bored for 15 minutes. It's good for you.

I like the quiet, but I know how to make noise.

Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

I like school. I just hate the learning part.

Laughter is the sun that drives winter from the human face.

If you're an idiot and know you're an idiot, you're already way less of an idiot than an idiot that doesn't realize they're an idiot.

Success is a lousy teacher. It seduces smart people into thinking they can't lose.

Don't underestimate stupid people. They outnumber us.

I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.

I am stuck between "I need to save money" and "You only live once".

I have not yet begun to procrastinate.

It takes less muscles to smile than it does to murder someone and bury their body in a remote location.

The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris.

Australians don't have sex, Australians mate.

Nothing humbles me quicker than when I accidentally walk into a doorframe.

I hate peer pressure and so should you!

I don't hate school, I just hate the teachers, the homework, the tests and waking up in the morning!

Where's the best place to find out about Spider-Man? On the web.

I entered a competition to find the most considerate lover. I came second.

A fool with a tool is still a fool... but with a tool!

EVERYDAY IS A GIFT 🤔 and that's why they call it 'the present'...

When I say "the other day" I could mean yesterday or 1994.

Tried making a candlelit dinner but I think it would have cooked quicker in the oven.

I remember being fed yeast and sitting in the oven. That's just how I was raised.

Knowing how to pick locks has opened a lot of doors for me…

You're the only person who's heard everything you've ever said.

My passion for odd socks is unmatched.

The first rule of repetition club is: the first rule of repitition club.

Two wrongs don't make a right. But three lefts do.

I am so bored of being bored because being bored is really boring.

I am not immature. I just know how to have fun.

9 months isn’t really that long. It just feels like a maternity.

Whenever I see five toes, I know something is a foot.

I never make plans until I know how I am getting out of them.

Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

Honesty is like an icicle; once it melts, that's the end of it.

My feather pillow exploded last night....I am feeling a little down today.

My brain is full of ideas my body wants nothing to do with.

In a society that profits from your self doubt, liking yourself is a rebellious act.

I’ll find out the meaning of ‘penultimate’ if it’s the one before last thing I do.

I bought a wireless fan because I’m knot a fan of wired fans.

Jail is more than just a word... ...it’s a sentence.

Lying about my age is easier now that I have trouble remembering what it is.

He who hesitates is sometimes saved.

Casual sex implies the existence of competitive tournament sex.

For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.

Most “interesting facts” aren’t actually interesting.

Reduce your carbon footprint, let anger keep you warm.

You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.

Nonsense makes too much sense to too many people.

The last kid to leave the school bus knows where everyone lives.

First rule of might club: never commit to plans.

I work as a chess piece manufacturer, this week I'm on nights.