Get Your Daily Dose of Laughter with Our Funny One-Liners !

The key to happiness is a poor memory.

Even the future's not what it used to be.

People seemed older when they were the age we are now.

Young enough to know I can. Old enough to know I shouldn't. Stupid enough to do it anyway.

Cleaning actually isn't bad unless someone asks you to do it.

If you've never played Tetris, you're probably useless at loading a dishwasher.

I’d tell you what I’m doing but I’ve learned from other evil villains not to announce my plans first.

One of these days I'm going to get help for my procrastination problem.

I want to like mornings but I can’t because they happen at the wrong time of day.

Procrastination is a dish best served eventually.

An underrated perk of being an adult is you no longer outgrow your clothes.

Better to have loved a short man than never to have loved a tall.

There are no limits to what you can accomplish when you’re supposed to be doing something else.

Catapults are just angry spoons.

People can't use you if you're useless.

I spend 800% of my life exaggerating.

To be a good archer you need to know the arrow dynamics.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

One bone says to another, "how did we end up meeting in a joint like this?"

There's a hole in my sock. Darn it!!

Knocking on someone's door is just beating their house until they pay attention to you.

Plumbers who install instantaneous hot water heaters have tankless jobs.

They never use to pay Sir Lancelot, he was a free lancer.

I just put a stick in a non-stick pan, nothing happened.

At the end of the day we are all human beans and together we will rice.

I once slammed my finger in part of a book. The Index.

I saw the world's largest egg this week. That will take some beating.

A baker got fired because he kept on loafing!

I may hate waiting but I love procastinating.

Just so everyone's clear, I'm going to put my glasses on..

Gyms are full of people that haven't found the right couch.

I think we should leave the status quo as it is.

Local janitors have gone out on strike. They are demanding sweeping reforms.

I know a dressmaker and she always seams stressed.

Refrigerators are cool.

I work at a pizza shop, its my only sauce of income.

I’d make a swear jar but I don’t have the kind of income to keep up with my mouth.

Nothing ruins your Friday like finding out it's only Thursday.

All shoes are technically buy one get one free.

I just met Earl Grey. He’s not my cup of tea.

I've just had a vasectomy, i kid you not.

Despite pressure to clean up their act, most dirtbags live in a vacuum.

If there was an award for the most skeptic person, the most skeptic person might not accept the award.

REMEMBER that today is the tomorrow you were worried about yesterday...

A “buttload” of underwear would be exactly one pair.

I was gonna spend today procrastinating, but I think I'll put it off til tomorrow.

I was delighted to come home and realize all my lamps had been stolen.

Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.

I have a lamp for sale. Lightly used.

Not going to lie....My bed is broken.

Local dive shop has been closed for a few weeks now. I'm worried they've gone under.

Barbers. I take my hat off to them.

I always take time to reflect in front of a mirror.

Clapping: Repeatedly high-fiving yourself for someone else's accomplishments.

“I had to stop being a tap dancer. I kept falling into the sink.”

I know someone who tried to runway after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.

To whoever stole my doormat, you’re no longer welcome here.

... I was upset with my wall climbing abilities, I just couldn't seem to get a grip.

I really like the word 'frequently'. I try and use it as often as I can.

I really, really hate it when people repeat a word for emphasis.