Get Your Daily Dose of Laughter with Our Funny One-Liners !

I used to be poor. Then I bought a thesaurus, and now I'm impecunious.

I spent ages trying to spell inconsequential before I realized that it's not that important.

Tomorrow is the day that I finally start procrastinating.

I used to think I was indecisive but now I'm not so sure anymore.

Two wrongs don't make a right,but three rights make a left.

You haven't really made it until people start using your name as a verb.

Two wrongs don't make a right but......two Wrights can make a plane.

I'm half Irish, half Mexican.
I identify as Leprechano.

We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.

My nose is the scenter of my face.

I'm not a complete idiot,
some parts are missing.

Never confuse education with intelligence. You can have a Ph.D. and still be an idiot.

I used to hate time travel when I was older.

I wanted to join the photography club, but they were too clicky.

He who hogs the sheets is usually very wrapped up in himself.

How did Noah see in the dark? He used his flood lights.

VIRGINITY is a mix of VIRGO, GIN & Infinity.

I thought I'd lost my Dominoes..But I've just Spotted them..

If something's worth doing, it's worth doing rihgt.

My dermatologist is beginning to get under my skin!

I bet carpenters learn their trade at boarding school.

Parachute for sale. Descent Price.

I bought a boat because it was for sail.

The cost of Defibrillators is shocking.

With great reflexes, comes great
response ability.

I can't stand lying.

Went to a fancy dress party as a jigsaw piece but didn’t like it. I just didn’t fit in.

I never trust a Tom. They are far too often involved in foolery or peeping for my liking.

Barbers use the latest cutting head technology.

Huge sale at the tyre store, they're having a big blow out.

My late wife was never punctual.......

The local wig shop was broken into last night, they had to change all the locks.

A fish net is nothing more than a lot of little holes tied together.

The piñata was a hit at the party.

Confidence whispers. Insecurity screams.

Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better...

I am looking to buy a lighthouse but nothing too flashy.

Tis better to love a short man than to never love a'tall.

Chillin': The art of doing nothing without being bored.

A secret is what you tell everyone not to tell anyone else.

First rule of might club. Never commit to plans.

Is scepticism actually a real thing?......I’m not so sure.

As an adult, I’m not eating nearly as much ice cream as 10 year old me thought I would.

Wednesdays are the middle finger of the week.

POLITICS- the sound of many clocks in a room.

Watched a documentary about door handles. It was gripping.

Cannibals wont let their kids leave the table until everyone's eaten.

I didn't want to volunteer to work in the rodeo, but I got roped into it.

Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I'm reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.

I bought a new vacuum cleaner the other day and it sucks more than the older one.

What do you do if you see a space man? Park in it man!!

My superpower is pretending to listen to whatever you're saying while secretly thinking about what I'm going to eat next.

My memory is getting so bad I can't tell you the last thing I forgot.

Don't talk to me like I'm stupid until you know for sure.

It’s not premarital sex if you never get married.

Any pencil can be a number two pencil if you eat it.

Fire smells exactly like burnt nose hair.

My favourite teacher at school was called Mrs Turtle - strange name but she tortoise well.

If you cry during a Flood... you're just making things worse.

I bought some underwear online, now they want me to take a brief survey.