Get Your Daily Dose of Laughter with Our Funny One-Liners !

Nothing is idiot-proof, you just need the right idiot.

One must know lots to be an auctioneer...

Tunnel building is boring.

People who drill for water are well boring...

Enough with procrastination, it’s time for excuses.

My extra sensitive toothpaste doesn't like it when I use other toothpastes.

I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.

Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.

Real people are not perfect, and perfect people are not real.

The problem with rich people is that i am not one.

If you want dreams to happen go to bed.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

I’m now a qualified counterfeiter and I have the certificate to prove it !

I've finished writing my new book, the A to C of laziness.

Without it, gravity is just gravy ....

I’m broke, please leave me a loan.

I'm at that age when an "all nighter" just means I didn't need to get up to pee.

Technically, you can't date someone half your age till you're 36 years old.

I'm so ugly
that people tell me to stop photo-bombing my selfies.

When I had mushrooms with with breakfast..it was a breakfast of champignons.

I managed to pick up a beautiful second hand book on Human Anatomy, unfortunately someone had removed the appendix.

In paintball, you should be allowed to use a paintbrush as a knife.

Dictatorship:
A boat filled with phallic shaped potatoes.

Analogy is not the study of butt holes.

Pronouncing "40" in an extremely pretentious way is my forte...

'Just Married' sounds like they are already disappointed......

Just bought a step-by-step guide to laying stair carpet.

Using Latin to look smart is my modus operandus.

A bad football team is like an old bra - no cups and little support.

What do you call a Mexican guy who lost his car? Carlos!

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

I can usually judge how attractive a woman is by how many times my wife calls her a whore.

People with dyslexia should untie.

It is rare to hear a well done steak joke.

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Beeswax is so expensive because they've only got little ears.

I recently got a job as a stripper. You could say my career is taking off.

If you pronounce vase "voz" I'll punch you in the foz.

My book about impulsive decision making didn't go according to plan.

My job at the paperless factory was going really well…until I went to the loo.

Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.

I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.

I will be joining a school that teaches people how to smoke weed. It's a High school.

"Me? Use cocaine? ... NEVER!", Tom snorted.

I do not recommend watching drill videos, they are a bit boring.

Whoever named it Sperm Bank missed the chance to call it a Semenary.

Russian dolls are so full of themselves.

Who said nothing is impossible try slamming a revolving door.

Someone threw cheese at me, I said "that's mature!!".

My nephew wants to be jar of peanut butter when he grows up....the kid's nuts.

I had a map of Italy tattooed across my chest. My Naples are so sore.

Where there’s a will, there’s a relative.

Other than "It's okay" or "I'm fine" what other death threats do women use?

Tall people tend to sleep longer in bed !

It's only in sex where late cumers are appreciate.

Is it just me, or are there any other anagrams of em ?

Cleaning windows is a pane.

I drink and smoke but cocaine is where I draw the line.

Behind every bad product was a room full of people who thought it was a good idea.

Did you hear about the foreign language student who went to Poland to polish his Polish ?