The humor that's safe for all ages.
"Humor is the only thing that makes life tolerable."
- George Bernard Shaw
Giggling without making you blush.
I got fired from the M&M factory for throwing out the W's.
Do you know how to make a water bed more bouncy ?
Add spring water.
What do you call a paper airplane that can't fly?
Stationary.
If you’ve seen one indoor shopping center, you’ve seen the mall!
I have a friend who lives near a cliff. He keeps telling me to drop over.
Mary Rose sat on a thorn.
Mary Rose.
Why’d the warlocks handout nametags? So they could tell which witch was which.
How do you start a teddy bear race?
Ready teddy go.
What did the necklace say to the hat? You go on a head while I hang around.
A hairdresser in the basement
level of City Hall.
Barber of Civil.
I thought I found a mass snowman grave the other day. Turned out it was just a field of carrots 🎄☃️
I got a reversible jacket for Christmas.
I can't wait to see how it turns out.
Change is inevitable.
Except from a vending machine.
I used to go out with a radiographer...
It didn’t last long, she saw right through me.
Shopping centers, you’ve seen one, you’ve seen the mall.
Clean jokes are comedy you can enjoy guilt-free, without awkward silences or embarrassed glances afterwards.
I’m fed up of my job testing quicksand. I’ve had it up to here.
Did you hear the local concrete plant was flooded last week?
They're having a hard time moving inventory now.
I once entered the World Kleptomaniac Championships.
I took gold, silver and bronze.
Accidentally locked myself in a glass cabinet in a museum.
I ended up making an exhibition of myself...
I was in the restaurant last night when a guy with a small pistol and a flag stood by our table. It was odd as neither of us remembered ordering a starter.
Her: ‘Dinner is in the crock pot.’
Me: ‘Nice – what is it?’
Her: ‘It’s like this ceramic slow cooker thingy.’
Why is a robot mechanic never lonely? Because he's always making new friends.
There's no point using Latin phrases if you don't understand what they mean, and vice versa.
If anybody would like to speak to me about my shoddy joinery work my door is always open.
I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”
I’d love to visit Norway but I can’t afjiord it.
When I was a kid I use to get hit with a camera alot.... I still get flashbacks.
I ordered a second-hand deck of cards from a casino, but after four weeks, they still hadn’t been delivered. I called them up to see what was going on...
Turns out, they were still dealing with my order…
Did you hear about the new Italian restaurant that just opened in the afterlife?
It's called Pasta Way.
To the thief who has stolen my sage, onion and breadcrumbs...
You can go and get stuffed...
These jokes are kid-tested and parent-approved that go down easy.
Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one?
No, they both burn shorter!
I had a Shepherd's pie for lunch today. He wasn't happy.
Teacher: I see you don't cut your hair any longer. Fred: No sir, I cut it shorter.
Just found out who's been stealing my beetroot...
I caught them red handed!
What does a house wear?....
Address
Just because you were born in poverty, it doesn't mean that you'll be poor forever.
I was born in a hospital, yet I'm not a doctor.
Never interrupt someone concentrating on a difficult newspaper puzzle unless you're prepared to hear some cross words.
An armed man ran into a real estate agency and shouted…
"Nobody move!"
Why do I not like hot drinks?
It’s just not my cup of tea.
I really hate being at the airport and seeing everyone else has trendier luggage than me.
It's a real worst case scenario.
Did you hear about the seafood restaurant that will give you calamari in exchange for money?
They practice *squid pro quo*.
I went on a date last night with a girl from the zoo
It was great. She’s a keeper.
Do you want a brief explanation of what an acorn is?
In a nutshell, it's an oak tree.
the DIY store say I stole a bag of cement but they have no concrete evidence.
My daughter wanted a Cinderella party so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
Clean jokes - because the best humor comes with a smile, not a blush!
Why should you never fight a dinosaur?
You’ll get jurasskicked.
Why can’t blind people eat fish?
Cause it’s seafood.
It's probably my age that fools people into thinking I'm an adult.
I am off fishing tomorrow with my two mates!
Rod and Annette!!
I just scored a 180 on an IQ test answering three simple questions !
1. What's your credit card number?
2. What's your social security number?
3. What's the name of your dog?
My friend began dating a mermaid last week, although apparently the relationship is already on the rocks...
What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts?
A barberqueue.
reasons to date me:
1:
2:
3:
4:
5: please
What do you call a woman who sets fire to all her bills ?
Bernadette.
You'll never guess who I bumped into on the way to get my glasses fixed?
Everybody!!
Just realized MR OWL ATE MY METAL WORM is exactly the same backwards.
My wife asked me what she should do when she gets to 40.
I said "Move into 3rd gear..
My mum always used to say
"40 is the new 30"
Lovely woman...
Banned from driving.
My buddy got married to a girl whose last name was China.
It's her made in name.
I stood waving to my neighbour for 10 minutes this morning before realising she was cleaning her windows.