Clean Jokes for All: A Family-Friendly Laughter Extravaganza.

Why did the cabbage win the race?
Because it was ahead!

Being Single is so difficult
your Crush Changes Daily.

My girl friend broke up with me due to my inability to express my feelings.

Can't say I'm surprised.

Won all the prizes at the Janitor Association raffle. It was a clean sweep.

"It's not about who's right or wrong." -The person that is wrong

Apparently Snow White has taken up a new career as a judge. After all, she's the fairest of them all.

Got a new jacket recently made entirely of living plants. I wasn't sure at first, but it's grown on me.

I'll never buy a pepper mill from Wimbledon again. Everything was overground or underground.

"On a scale of 1 to 10, how..."
"Ten!"
"...impatient are you?"

What did Sigmund Freud say to dishonest patients?

"Please lie on the couch".

Chuck Norris runs until the treadmill gets tired.

It’s an honour to be elected President of the Secrets Club. I can’t tell you how happy I am.

I'm writing a book about hurricanes and tornados ..
It's only a draft at the moment..

I can't stop eating Polos, Extra Strong Mints, Mentos and Tic tacs...

I'm worried I’m going to end up in a menthol institution.

I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.

I'm now in hospital, waiting to be seen...

What does a CIA agent do when it's time for bed?

He goes under cover.

Just met a woman with 2 left feet wearing a pair of flip flips

My wife just surprised me by admitting she has just had plastic facial surgery yet was surprisingly tight lipped about the cost !

When my house was built they did the downstairs and upstairs, I tried to get them to add a second floor...but that's another storey.

I actually know a lot of jokes in sign language.

And I can guarantee you no one has ever heard them.

People who shorten their name to Pat are missing a trick.

I’m so sad... The local origami enthusiast’s group has just folded.

My Grandad always used to say.. Shoot for the moon and if you miss, you'll land amongst the stars.
Great man, terrible flight controller at NASA.

I nearly purchased a clock today
But it wasn’t the
Right Time.

Someone asked me if I had plans for the fall, it took me a moment to realise they meant "Autumn", not the collapse of civilisation.

When I quit my job as a Human Cannonball, the circus boss said 'You can't quit.Where am I gonna find another man of your calibre?'

I'm thinking of starting a hide and seek club.
My only problem is, good members are hard to find.

I once got provoked by a Greek philosopher.
I got Socra-TEASED!!!!

My friend said to me, 'What rhymes with orange?'.

I said, 'No it doesn't.'

I asked my hairdresser what cut would make me look pretty. A power cut was not the answer I was looking for.

I get really annoyed when people use incorrect punctuation?

A thief stole my diary and prayer book today.
My thoughts and prayers are with him.

I think that people who shorten their name to Pat are missing a trick.

¿ɐᴉlɐɹʇsn∀ ɯoɹɟ ɯ,I ʍouʞ ʎlǝʇɐᴉpǝɯɯᴉ ǝuᴉluo ʇǝǝɯ I ǝldoǝd ʍoɥ puɐʇsɹǝpun ʇ,uɐɔ I

A lot of folk said I was mad setting up a Glue & Rifle company

But I’ve stuck to my Guns !

I have a pet tree.
It's like a pet dog but the bark is quieter.

What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature? Tequila mockingbird.

Every time I opened the window, it would moan and groan.

It was the pane I guess.

Last night I read War and Peace in 20 seconds.

I know it's only three words, but it's a start.

I saw a man that used different cuts of steak to create portraits of people.

It was a rare medium, but well done.

I cut my birthday cake in half and ate both sides.

I wanted to halve my cake and eat it too.

Birthdays.

In high doses they are fatal.

I start a new job in Seoul next week...I thought it was a good Korea move!

What do you call a dentist who doesn't like tea?

Denis

A woman meets with an attorney and says “I want to divorce my husband!“
“OK” the attorney responds, “let’s start with a few questions first.”
“Like what?” she asks.
“Well, do you have any grounds?”
“Yes, we have about 5 acres out in the country.”
“No, I mean do you have a grudge?”
“No, but we have a nice, wide carport and a storage shed.”
“Let me ask this a different way. Do you have any complaints about him?”
“Like what?”
“Well, does he beat you up?”
“No, I’m up at least an hour before him every day.”
“Well, what about your role here? Do you ever wake up grouchy?”
“No, when he’s in a bad mood I just let him sleep.”
Exasperated, the attorney finally asks, “Why exactly do you want to get a divorce?”
“Well,” she replies, “the guy just can’t communicate!”

My son has just qualified as an electrician, and started his own business. I suppose I’d better give him a plug.

I bought a second hand time machine next May....
They don't make them like they are going to anymore....

I start a new job tomorrow at a factory making thermometers...it's only a temp job!

20 years ago today I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend and the most beautiful woman in the world to marry me.
All 3 said No!

My son told me, “Dad, I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, and now it burns.”

I said, “That’s Heinz sight for you.”

A PESSIMIST sees a dark tunnel.

An OPTIMIST sees light at the end of the tunnel.

A REALIST sees a freight train.

The TRAIN driver sees 3 idiots standing on the track.

What did the sushi say to the bee? Wasabee.

Whenever I make my spousal support payments... I usually use Fed-Ex...

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

I've started sleeping in our fireplace. Now I sleep like a log!

Two cats are having a swimming race. One is called “One Two Three”, the other “Un Deux Trois”. Which cat won?

“One Two Three” because “Un Deux Trois” cat sank.

Why should bowling alleys be quiet?
So you can hear a pin drop.

Pro-tip for anyone who ever has trouble sleeping through their alarms.
Sprinkle some herbs in your bed before going to sleep.

Guaranteed to help you wake up on thyme.

I used to be petrified of walking under horse chestnut trees, but I’ve finally conkered it!

Fun fact: Australia's biggest export is boomerangs.

It's also their biggest import.