Weird Jokes: Bizarre Humor for Adventurous Minds.

Why are most photographers pessimists?
They focus on the negatives.

Sometimes i wonder what happened to the people who asked me for directions.

I asked my boss "What do you want me to do with this 6 metre roll of bubble wrap?"
He replied, "Just pop it in the corner".
4 hours it took me!

So I bought a new refrigerator the other day and put the old one in my front garden with a sign saying: `Free if you want it, take it'.
It sat there for three days.. no one wanted it.
I then changed the sign to: `For sale £50'.
The next day somebody stole it!

How did the pillow avoid jail time? He had a strong case.

I said to my mate: "I saw an octopus rob a bank this morning!"
He said: "Did he have a gun?"
I said: "No, but he was well armed"

I went to Wal-Mart the other day to get a little cooler. But then I realized, I cant get any cooler.

Bloke go's to doctor for a vasectomy, doctor says "if you have a vasectomy you won't have kids"
Bloke says its okay.
So doctor gives him a vasectomy.
Bloke goes home to find his kids were still there...

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again.
I’ve said it before.

How do you make pigs fly?

...Swine Flu!

What do you call a deer with no eyes???
Blind!!!!

My tire went flat yesterday. So I went to the bowling alley so I could pick up a spare.

Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.

By the way I do NOT have an obsession with tidiness.
I just wanted to clear that up.

Why did d Mexican push his wife off the roof??
Tequila.

The cheapest of all meat in the supermarket was deer meat. It was all less than a buck.

I try to avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road.
Just in case they are in the middle of a race.

- Why is that aircraft flying towards the ocean?
- Have a good look, it's plane to sea.

Sang to myself in an elevator once. It was quite uplifting.

A friend of mine isn't much of an organ donor, but he did give a piano to the local charity shop.

Anyone ever eat kangaroo meat??
I can’t.
Makes me jumpy!

My wife told me she wanted a spa day for her birthday...
I'll tell her it's pronounced 'spade' when I give it to her later...

I never, ever make sweeping generalizations.

Don't let anyone ruin your day.
You're an adult.
Do it yourself.

Cop 1: This murder seems racially motivated.
Cop 2: Hate crime?
Cop 1: Of course I hate crime. That’s why I became a cop.

Q: How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?
A: Pick him up and suck on his cock!

Now that I have my Drivers License, I seem to be more popular than ever, Everytime I go through a red light people honk and wave.

Why are Fireman's Balls bigger than Policeman's Balls?
Cause they sell more tickets.

What is green and white and hops??

Frog sandwich on white bread.

Best sign to put on a badly parked car:
The way you pulled in makes me wish your daddy had pulled out!

How many Lowes would Rob Lowe rob, if Rob Lowe could rob Lowes?

Went to my dentist and I told him my teeth were yellow. He told me to wear a Brown neck tie.

I don't exercise when I'm sick.
My nose does the running for me.

My wife said if I was half a man I would take the kids to the circus. I said if I was half a man I'd be IN the circus.

Why do they call it tourist season if you can't shoot them ?

Man goes in a bar. Usually just chips n alcohol but now mangoes.

Phone rings
Me: Hello?
Caller: Hi this is a courtesy call is your refrigerator running?
Me: No its just chillin.

How much do pirates pay for piercings?
Just a buck an ear.

What do hedgehogs say when they hug?
Ouch!

I threw some pills and accidentally broke one of my windows.
I didn't realize they're pane killers.

If being sexy was a crime,
I’d be arrested.
Then released for lack of evidence..

What do you call a joke that doesn't work?
Dud joke.

Why dont Eskimos use computers? Because the screens always freeze.

Beer doesn't make you fat, it makes you lean !
Against bars, tables, chairs, walls.

How do spacemen tie their shoes? They use astro knots.

Did you know that Viagra is now being given to the elderly in care homes, apparently it stops them rolling out of bed.

I really want to know what the lowest rank in the army is, but everyone keeps telling me it's private.

A train track and a motorway walk into a bar. The train track says "a pint for me, please, and one for the road".

Whenever my wife is upset I let her color in my black and white tattoos.
She really just needed a shoulder to crayon.

She gave birth on the stairs..
i call it a stepchild.

I was going to cook alligator for dinner but realized I only had a croc pot.

Paying bills is fun and easy when you have a bottle of wine and a shredder.

So I went into Gregg's the bakers today and bought a sausage roll.
The lady behind the counter said: "Would you like me to put it in the microwave for you love?"
I said: "Yes please".
So she followed me home...

I have started a part time job, selling security systems door to door.
It is going well, if they are not home, I just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

If you shoot for the moon and miss, at least you'll be among the stars... or you'll land on Uranus.

Looked up the cost of low quality electrical plugs. They were shocking

Running feels great unless you compare it to not running.

Me: how long have i got ?
Doc: three to six months.
Me: until my next appointment ?
Doc: what ?
Me: what ?

Why'd the man stop at the barbershop for directions? He was looking for a short-cut.....

If my ceiling fan could hold my weight, I'd never be bored again.

I'm going to have to defrost the fridge tonight. Or foreplay as she calls it.

Vagueness is not as bad as you think it is and anyway it is better than the other thing.

I can't remember - Do I work from home or do I live at work?

Dad: "When I was your age I ran a maratho."
Son: "You mean marathon?"
Dad: "No, I didn't finish."

What does my face and the internet have in common?
I browse.

When my mother was pregnant with me she was scared by a phonograph, but it didn’t effect me…effect me… effect me…

I saw on the news (really) that atheists are more likely to own cats than Christians.

I don't get it as it's illegal to own a Christian, let alone buy or sell one.

She said she missed me. Normally that would be good, but she’s reloading.

Want to know why nurses like red crayons?
Because Sometimes they have to draw blood.

A US submarine has a hole in it but not to worry they have Navy Seals for that.

Popped into the local garage, and the mechanic was having a tea. Think he was on a brake.

He’s a hippie. He’s a polygamist. How does he count his wives? One Misses Hippie. Two Misses Hippie……

MY TO-DO LIST > I've just finished writing my to-do list for tomorrow, and it's huge! Now I just need to figure out who's going to do it...

What do you call a broken escalator ?
Stairs

I’ve had constipation for two days now- good job I don’t give a shit!

Couldn't get any sleep while camping in the forest because of the tree rings.

What goes oom oom oom?
A cow walking backwards!

Some stranger somewhere remembers you because you were weird to them.

What happens when you drop a red stone into the Black Sea?
It gets wet.

what do you use to fix a pig?

a ham mer.