Weird Jokes: Bizarre Humor for Adventurous Minds.

Police have arrested the Worlds Tongue Twister Champion again . He`s expecting a tougher sentence this time.

I gave my wife a fork and a calculator for her birthday, she said whats this, i said i know its not what you wanted but its the fork that counts.

What do you call a guy who brings my daughter home late on Prom night?
An ambulance.

My wife keeps telling me how immature I am "and if I don't grow up, it will erect a barrier between us".
Ha ha ha "erect".

Someone bloke just insulted my wife.
He called her an Old Cow.
How dairy.

How do you think the unthinkable?
With an ithberg.

The word of the day is "drool".
It just rolls off the tongue.

I recently quit my job at a hotel for backpackers.
It was a hostel work environment.

An old lady goes to a dentist, lies on his table, drops her panties and stretches her legs
The dentist says “I’m not a gynecologist.” She says “I know, I need my husband’s teeth back.”

“You'll be fine" the surgeon said after examining my mate Dave’s wife Julie.
"But" Julie asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again, doctor?"
The surgeon paused, his face reddened as a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye.
All of a sudden Julie became alarmed. "What's the matter doctor? I will be all right, won't I?” she said
“Yes, you'll be fine” he replied “It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."

What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are 2 bucks and deer nuts are under a buck.

Why should you be quiet in a pharmacy?💉

You might wake the sleeping pills💊

Doctor - "How do you feel?
Me - "Mostly with my hands."

No matter how fast you run, the serial killer always walks faster.

I accidentally deleted the manuscript of my book “100 Ways to Cure An Itch”. Ugh. Looks like I’ll have to start from scratch.

I went to a foot doctor. He was really short.

You cannot fight destiny because if you try to fight destiny, you will also have to fight the bouncers and the rest of the strippers, too.

I think most of you probably already know about the first rule of Assumption Club.

What is white and yellow and goes 120mph?
Train driver’s egg sandwich.

Feeling a bit paranoid recently? Look around you. You're not alone.

As a child I had ADHD, so my parents sent me to a week long program to help me focus. It was a concentration camp.

Why is it a bad idea to date a necrophiliac ? He just wants you for your body !

Did you hear the one about the Polynesian nymphomaniac who kept longing for Samoa?

I tried tap dancing but kept falling in the bath.

There’s a type of person who will take only one slice of pizza in case there isn’t enough for everyone, and a type who will take three slices for the same reason.

Have you ever been in a situation where you see someone waving but you’re not sure if they are waving at you or at someone else?
It seems I’m not cut out to be a lifeguard.

11.34: Arrived at crime scene
11.34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.34: Found murder weapon in drain
11.34: Realised watch was broken

You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?

I want my children to have everything I couldn’t afford at their age, and then I want to move in with them!

I am constantly reading about valuable antiques being put under the hammer, surely its better to sell them.

Woke up this morning to find the hamster cage badly smashed up against the wall.
The vet said he'd fallen asleep at the wheel !

What do you call a Jamaican Psychologist? It's a Pokémon.

Dear Tongue,
Can't touch this.
Sincerely, Elbow.

I got thrown out of my local Mime Club.
I think it was something I said.

I was engaged to a girl with a wooden leg.
but she broke it off!

What's a foot long and slippery?
A slipper.

If only my ceiling fan could hold my weight, then I would never be bored again.

My cousin is a transvestite. Before he goes out for a night on the town, he puts on a dress and makeup. Yes, he likes to eat, drink, and be Mary.

What does DNA stand for?
-National Dyslexic Association

Research shows that 100% of the time when someone says “oh no she didn’t!” she most definitely did.

I’m done being a people pleaser.
If everyone’s ok with that ?

Why does the trainer at the gym have to keep getting new clothes?

Because people keep telling him he’s ripped.

I think my periscope is broken, it doesn’t look right.

I know everyone thinks tall people have a lot of advantages in life but in reality, they have to deal with 40% more spider webs than the average person.

Mary had a little lamb and
her husband fainted in the labor room.

Porn is just videos of people at their work.

My gf and I watched 3 movies back to back the other nite. I said next time she can be the one facing the TV .

Hey, Did you hear about the guy who ripped a hole in the carpet to see the floor-show?

I'm not an organ donor,
But I once have an old piano to the Salvation Army.

This guy came up to me in the street and called me a chicken.
I didn't want any trouble, so I crossed the road.

The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that's just science.

I love eating skittles. Although I've been banned from my local bowling alley.

Ooooh oooooh said the cow with no lips...

If you keep a goldfish in a dark room, it will eventually turn white. Don't ask me how I found that out.

Someone called my cellphone, and when I answered they coughed and sneezed before hanging up... Not the first cold call I’ve received recently.

I’m gonna live on two bucks for the rest of 2021. -But first I need my hunting license renewed.

BREAKING NEWS
The thief who stole a van full of laxatives has now gone on the run.

Someone told me if you hold a Shell up you can hear the sea.

All I got was 6 years for armed robbery.

A thief broke into an Eye doctor's clinic. A private eye is on the case!

I asked the woman at the Post Office if she keeps stationary?
She said: "Yeah! but when I get bored I like to dance around a bit!"

I keep trying to find out what the lowest rank in the Army is, but every person I asked keeps telling me it's private.

"On a scale of 1-10 how.."
"10!"
.."impatient are you?"

I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they're hatching some kind of evil plan.

I sleep better naked, why can't the flight attendant understand this ?

I went to see a psychic, he was in a bad mood, then I saw a clairvoyant who was rather grumpy......
I'm just trying to find a happy medium.

I heard on the news that someone robbed the Tokyo Origami museum in Japan. The Anchor said the story was still unfolding!

Whenever I have a headache, I take two aspirins and keep away from children, like the bottle says.

If this Covid-19 shit gets much worse and we all have to start cannibalism, remember : Vegans first.
They are closest to grass fed animals.

“We don't lick people!”
- Lies adults tell kids

Just remember- if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

I got eczema, diarrhoea, gonorrhoea and haemorrhoids last week.!!

First time I've ever won a game of Scrabble.!!

I really miss the people that were born together with me in the same hospital. We cried really hard that day.

There once was a man who didn’t mind paying penalties. He always said “that’s fine.”

The problem is I have just enough money to get into trouble but not enough to make bail.

Where do hamsters go on vacation?
Hampsterdam!

What flavour is the toothpaste in jail?
Imprisonmint.

Right, this time I'm gonna try and go at least a month without any innuendos. Touch wood.

What did the 2 rednecks say after breaking up?
Let's just be cousins.

I'm having a charity event for people that struggle to orgasm.
Let me know if you can’t come.