Laugh Out Loud with Our Collection of Crazy Jokes.

Sometimes I question my sanity.

Sometimes it replies.

I regret buying that straitjacket now... I thought it would look good on me but I just couldn't pull it off.

I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself.

Mickey Mouse calls his lawyer, he doesn’t answer and leaves a message.

A few hours later the lawyer listens to the message and calls back Mickey

“Hey Mick listen I understand you want to divorce Minnie but in the state of California insanity is not grounds for a divorce.”

Mickey responds “ I didn’t say she was crazy I said she was fucking goofy.”

My friend is normally so stressed out but when I saw him recently, he seemed really calm.
I asked him how he did it.
"I pay a stress therapist to worry about things for me."
"wow, is that expensive?"
"£700 per session."
"Blimey; how can you afford that?"
"That's his problem."

I have no idea why I walked in to the Short-Term Memory Clinic.

A stress ball is not something you throw at people who stress you.
Apparently.

My bad.

When you're the only sane person, you look like the only insane person.

Therapist: You have a phobia of marriage. Do you understand the symptoms?
Me: Can’t say I do
Therapist: thats the main one yes...

My therapist told me to write letters to everyone who's hurt me then burn them.

I've done that. Now what do I do with the letters?

My neighbor figures the relationship with his girlfriend is very psychological. She's a psycho and he's logical.

Those suffering from paranoia — you’re not alone.

Doctor, I think Im a moth.

It's not a doctor you need, it's a psychiatrist.

I was on my way there when I saw your light on!

You don't have to drive me crazy, I'm close enough to walk.

Why are hallways in psychiatric hospitals called " hallways" ?

Shouldn't they be called psycho paths?

My doctor told me I was suffering from paranoia. She didn't actually say that, but I know it was what she was thinking.

I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself.

My Dad keeps buying more land in the Antarctic than he can afford.

He has buy polar disorder.

I googled 'Rorchsach Test', but all I got were a load of pornographic pictures.

Depression: “lets just do nothing today”

Anxiety: “but what if we do that WRONG?”

You can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

What did the doctor say to the man covered in cling film? I can clearly see you’re nuts.

Looking back through time, I realize.
Being crazy is my way of staying sane.

A psychiatrist once told me I suffer from delusions of grandeur...
I figured he must say that about everyone who is awesome and kicks ass.

I may be borderline schizophrenic but at least I have each other.

Me: "I like to talk to myself. "
Me: "Me too. "
Me: "Haha! You're so funny! "

I regret buying that straitjacket now... I thought it would look good on me but I just couldn't pull it off.

ME: How was your first day?

MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you.

My coworker is convinced that the government has implanted a microchip in his brain, and is controlling his thoughts.
I told him it's all in his head.

Some people aren't just missing a screw, the whole toolbox is gone.

Patient: I’m afraid of the vertical axis!
Therapist: Why?
Patient: [screams]

Man goes to the doctor with a strawberry on his head. Doctor says " Don't worry, I've got some cream for that"

My wife and her family all say Im paranoid. At least I’m pretty sure that’s what they’re all saying behind my back.

FUN Fact:
The doctor who discovered that hand washing prevented the spread of disease was thrown in a mental institution for his crazy ideas.

There are two types of people in the world. Those with a short attention span and, look over there… it’s a plane!

Me: Do you think that in some alternate universe Legos step on people?
Therapist: Let's talk about what happened to you as a child.

I heard that people who talk to themselves tend to be extremely smart. Did you know that? Yes, I did know that.

When I was asked by the authorities why I hadn't turned in my crazy brother, who thinks he's a chicken. I replied "We needed the eggs."

'Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a Christmas bell.'
'Take these pills and if they don't work, give me a ring.'

When accountants go mad
do they start to hear invoices?

I told my Psychiatrist I was hearing voices.

He said, "You don't have a Psychiatrist".

Who is this Rorschach guy and why does he have all these pictures of my dad telling me I'm a loser ?

A man goes to the doctor with a piece of lettuce dangling from his rectum. That looks nasty, says the doctor. Nasty? the man says. Thats just the tip of the iceberg.

A crazy wife says to her husband that moose are falling from the sky. The husband says, it’s reindeer.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me.
He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

Of all the things I've lost I miss my mind the most!

Ignorance can be educated and crazy can be medicated, but there's no cure for stupid.

Being paranoid means never having to think that your alone.

A crazy wife says to her husband that moose are falling from the sky.
The husband says, it’s reindeer.

There was a baby ant that went crazy, because all of his uncles were ants!

Man: I keep seeing spots and butterflies before my eyes.
Wife: Have you seen a Doctor?
Man: No, just spots and butterflies.

In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he's driving a car. The nurse asks him, "Charlie, what are you doing?" Charlie replied, "Driving to Chicago!" The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room. The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, "Well Charlie, how are you doing?" Charlie says, "I just got into Chicago." "Great," replied the nurse. The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously pleasuring himself. Shocked, she asks, "Bob, what are you doing?" Bob says, "I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!"

Sanity is so overrated.
I mean, it's a nice place to visit, but I wouldn't want to live there.

What if the voices in your head tell you to not listen to them?