Hush-hush Humor: Top Jokes About Secrets for a Good Giggle.

Ready to laugh out loud?
Find the humor in keeping "hush-hush" with the best selection of jokes about secrets that will surely evoke laughter among your friends.

Secret Jokes meme
Secret Jokes meme.

Weird never felt so funny.
- Updated: 2024-07-22.




Selected secret jokes:


My 80 yr-old uncle was caught planting secret listening devices in a hotel room while wearing a clown costume.
What a silly old bugger.


The secret to a long life is just not dying to soon.


Please repeat the secret code and if you get it right, I will call you back!


Why shouldn't you tell a secret on a farm?
Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears!



More secret jokes...


"Only the small secrets need to be protected. The big ones are kept secret by public incredulity."
~ Marshall McCluhan


"The easiest way to keep a secret is to pretend there isn't one."
- Margaret Atwood


I bought some sexy crotchless panties in Victoria's Secret today.
"A surprise for the wife?" asked the cashier.
"Maybe" I replied, "It all depends on whether she catches me wearing them or not."


There’s a guy in our secret meetings who never leaves his seat and always wants to talk about root issues and branching out.
I think he might be a plant.


I went into Victoria's Secret and asked the assistant if they sold satin underwear.

They advised me that EVERYTHING they sell is brand new!


“The secret of getting ahead is getting started.”
— Mark Twain


I may look normal but I still telling my cat that if he speaks to me I'll keep the secret .
He never did.


Nessen's Law: Secret sources are more credible.


Why did an agent decide to hide his realtor license?
Because he wanted to be a secret agent.


If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never aging is wearing the same clothes every day.


What's a British spy's secret fetish?
Bondage, James Bondage.


I’ve been banned from the Secret Cooking Society...
I kept spilling the beans.


“To fall in love with yourself is the first secret to happiness.”
~ Robert Morley


Your secret is safe with me because I don’t fucking care.


Here's a great secret for keeping your food & electric bills down:

Get a heavier paperweight.


There are two types of people, those who can't keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes.


I'll be sharing my secret for being an amazing guitar player later today.
Stay tuned.


Psychology says private life always wins, keep it a secret till you win.


"The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new."
- Socrates


Erwin Schrödinger kept his theory secret for many years...

Until someone let the cat out the bag.


"The secret to living happily is to enjoy your present life and not get caught up in future issues"
-Albert Einstein


"Be alone, that is the secret of invention; be alone, that is when ideas are born."

- Nikola Tesla


If you play an instrument and want to know the secret of sounding better, please stay tuned…


"The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new."
- Socrates


I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”


James Bond wasn't even a good secret agent, someone managed to film everything he did.


For 20 years I received a Valentine’s card from the same secret admirer. I didn’t get one this year. First Gran dies, now this.


The President is not in his office at this time. Please leave your name, phone number, the name of the country you wish to invade, and the secret password.


Please repeat the secret code and if you get it right, I will call you back!


So this man once told his son that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his cornflakes every morning.
The son did this religiously every morning, and lived to be 93.
When he died, he left 6 children, 11 grandchildren, 27 great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.


Finally been accepted to the Secret Club. I can't tell you how excited I am.


My Korean friend was going to make his wife a secret dinner for Mothers day but someone let the cat out of the bag.


"These cookies are amazing"
"Thanks, it's a secret family recipe"
..........
"You have a secret family?"
"Yes, don't tell my wife"


Company mergers expected in 2021:
1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.
3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.
5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!
And finally....
9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: TittyTittyBangBang


A secret is what you tell everyone not to tell anyone else.


The Secret Service scandal was discovered when a disagreement on how much a prostitute wanted for her services came to light.
She wanted $800.00.
The Secret Service Agent offered $30.00.
How ironic is it that the only person in Washington willing to cut spending gets fired?


I have a feeling that my friend is a secret fan of the band Boston. In fact, it's more than a feeling...


“To fall in love with yourself is the first secret to happiness.”
~ Robert Morley


For years now, I've been getting a Valentine's card from the same secret admirer.
So, I'm pretty sad I've not got one this year...
First my granny dies, now this?


My friend told me he wants to be a secret agent.

Based on that alone, I don't think he'd be a good secret agent.


My secret ingredient is letting somebody else cook.


Wanna know the secret of success?
Two simple rules:
1. Never tell them everything you know.


My secret ingredient is letting somebody else cook.


The secret to a long life is just not dying to soon.


“To fall in love with yourself is the first secret to happiness.”
~ Robert Morley


My 80 yr-old uncle was caught planting secret listening devices in a hotel room while wearing a clown costume.
What a silly old bugger.


A good looking man walked into a singles bar, bought a drink and settled down ready to use his best lines.
But for the next two hours every woman he approached gave him the brush-off. Then suddenly a really ugly guy walked in and within seconds he was surrounded by beautiful, available women. A few minutes later he sauntered out with a stunning brunette on each arm.

The handsome guy was thoroughly despondent. Turning to the bartender, he said: ‘I don't get it. How did that guy walk out with those two when I can't even get a phone number?’

‘I don’t know what his secret is,’ said the barman. ‘But he does the same thing every night. He walks in, orders a drink, and just sits there licking his eyebrows . . .’


Q: How did the Vikings send secret messages?
A: By norse code!


Why shouldn't you tell a secret on a farm?
Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears!


An 80-year-old man went to the doctor for a general check-up.
The doctor was shocked to see his health and asked him:
'What is the secret of your good health ....?'
The old man answered:
— 'I get up before the sun rises and go out for cycling and then come and drink two glasses of wine!
Maybe this is the secret of my health. '
Doctor:
— 'Okay, but can I ask you how old was your father when he died ...?'
— 'My father died ...?
Who told you that he died???’
Doctor (surprised): —'You mean that you are 80 years old and your father is still alive ...? So how old is he now ....? '
— 'He is 102 years old and cycled with me this morning and then took two glasses of wine'
Doctor:
—‘This is very good. This means that the long life is in your family's genes.
So how old was your grandfather when he died….?’
—‘Hey why are you killing my grandfather now ...?'
Doctor (puzzled):
—'You mean that you are 80 years old and your grandfather is still alive very much!
What is his age .....? '
— 'Yes, he is 123 years old.'
—‘I think he too must have cycled with you this morning and taken wine too .....?'
Take a cold breath! —‘No, Grandpa could not go this morning,
because He is getting married today.’
Doctor (on the verge of going mad):
—‘What do you mean marriage .....? Why would he want to get married at the age of 123…?’
— 'Who said he wanted to get married ....? He had to be forced.’
— 'But why ........’ shouted the Doctor!!
— 'Girl is pregnant, that's why!'
The doctor has been cycling regularly and drinking wine ever since......
The clinic is closed.




More secret jokes on the following pages...