A Goldmine of Gut-Busting Jokes!

Why can’t a pirate go to a orgy?
Because he wants all the booty for himself.

I have a sexual fetish for intellectual breakthroughs.
I struggled for a while, but then I came to a realization.

I was asked why I married a sadist.
I said, “Beats the hell out of me!”

Bigfoot is like the G-spot of the Forrest.
No one can find him.

What do you call a whale with no pants on?

Free Willy.

Why'd the Polygamist cross the road? To get to the other bride...

If i had many wives, i would make sure they all spoke different languages so they could not make fun of me behind my back.
#polygamy

Doesn't make sense that most women are against polygamy. Every little girl had at least ten Barbies and just one Ken.

Why was the realtor in counseling?
He couldn’t get closure.

What do you call a real estate agent who secretly moonlights as a detective?
Sherlock Homes.

“Eh, that realtor doesn’t look so strong. I bet I can take him in a fight!”
“Are you crazy? That guy says he flips houses in his spare time!”

Real estate agents need to laugh at their problems. Everybody else does.

Why do sailors eat shellfish when rain is forecast?

It’s the clam before the storm.

What is a sailor’s least favorite vegetable?

Leeks.

I met a pilot once who said he actually wanted to be a sailor.

He was in the wrong craft.

My buddy said he made a voodoo doll of me.
I think he's pulling my leg.

I ordered a book online about premature ejaculation
It came in the mail.

What do you call a military man's premature ejaculation?
A dishonorable discharge.

Did you hear about the premature ejaculator that is training to become a ninja?
Guys a natural, comes out of nowhere.

What do ballet dancers feel like when they cannot find their shoe?
Looking for it is pointeless.

Did you hear about the North Korean disco?
It had lots of funk, but very little Seoul.

How did dancers in the 70s stay on their feet at a disco?
With the grooves in their sole!

What's the difference between a hooker, a lover and a housewife?
A hooker says "Faster! faster!"
A lover says "Slower....slooower..."
A housewife says "Beige. I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."

Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: "I wish you were bad at math.
Genie: "Okay, done. You now have 24 wishes remaining.

Q: What do kings use to measure?
A: Rulers.

I FINALLY was able to open my shoe store for only large sized shoes.
Let me tell you, it was no small feet.

Why did the apple turnover? Because it saw the jelly roll!

A quarter-acre of undeveloped land may not seem like much to some people, but to me it's a lot.

What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
We're not sure!

I lost five pounds going to Weight Watchers last week,
It's OK, though, I found it on the way home.

Met a girl recently who says she wants to have my babies.

Bit odd really, as I don’t have any...

Why couldn’t Dracula’s wife get to sleep?
Because of his coffin.

What do astronauts eat for dinner? Launch meat.

How do you greet a Scarecrow?

"HAY MAN!"

So I bought fresh Peas for the first time and threw the PODS away.

Yep, I just did my first PODcast!

Adulting is not for everyone.
I’m not kidding.

What’s the opposite of coffee? Sneezy.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

Sadly, the guy who invented the Frisbee died yesterday.
Apparently he caught something that was going round.

Last night I went to a comedy and philosophy convention.
I laughed more than I thought.

Why haven’t aliens visited us yet?
They looked at the reviews and we only have one star.

I've recently hired a pair of etiquette consultants.
They complement each other nicely.

If I could time travel, I'd make sure the guy who made up the word Walkie-Talkie got to name more things.

"Half a dozen" because saying '6' is way too long.

While ferrying workers back and forth from our offshore oil rig, the helicopter I was on lost power and went down. Fortunately, it landed safely in a lake. Struggling to get out, one man tore off his seat belt, inflated his life vest and jerked open the exit door.
"Don't jump!" the pilot called out. "This thing is supposed to float!"
As the man leapt from the helicopter into the lake, he yelled back, "Yeah, and it's supposed to fly too!"

Did you hear about the vampire that caught a cold?

He just couldn't stop coffin!

I’m not a hugger, and I’m having a hard time embracing that.

I once went out with my girlfriend to a fancy restaurant and she insisted on paying for the meal.
I said, "Don't be stupid, we're half way down the road now. Just keep running".

I need someone to help me sort out the terrible condensation problem in my kitchen...

Pop round anytime. The kettle's always on!

What is the difference between a bad haircut and a good hair cut?
About 2 weeks.

A kitchen knife and fork had a race. Who won? Neither, it ended in a drawer.

Why do people wear shamrocks on St Patrick’s day?

Regular rocks are too heavy.

When the cannibal was late for lunch they gave him the cold shoulder.

I was just Googling the history of the seatbelt.
Fastenating stuff.

A friend of mine bought me a watch that has stopped working,
but I haven't told him yet.
It's never the right time.

What do you call a cheap circumcision?
A rip-off!

Why aren't dogs good dancers? Because they have two left feet!

Where are average things built?

In the satisfactory.

I’d like to thank my legs for supporting me, my arms for always being by my side. And my fingers...I could always count on them.

Don't talk to me like I'm stupid until you know for sure.

How much does it cost to buy a singing ensemble?
You mean "a choir"?
Ok, then how much does it cost to acquire a singing ensemble?

I went into Gregg's and bought a sausage roll.
The lady behind the counter said " Do you want me to put it in the microwave for you?"
I said yes please...
So she followed me home...

Of course men and women can be friends without being attracted to each other. It's called "marriage."

I decided to stop walking under billboards after one collapsed on top of me.

I took it as a sign from above.

I think people who use "go fly a kite" as an insult don't really understand kites or insults.

Being unhappy is nothing to laugh about.

Most ornamental figurines found in gardens are only 30 cm tall and wear red hats... it's a little gnome fact.

How do you embarrass a Psychic?
Throw him a surprise party!

Hospitality: making your friends feel at home even when you wish they were.

Why is the nose in the middle of the face?
Because it's the scenter.

It’s silly how we spend money on clothes when naked is free.

Customer: I would like to buy a pound of potatoes.
Sales guy: We dont name it that anymore.
Customer: Hmm how do you name it now?
Sales guy: We name it kilo.
Customer: Ok, then gimme a pound of kilo.

The inventor of the throat lozenge died last week!
There was no cough-in at his funeral!

Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is.

I asked the librarian if they had any books on fire.

He said, "We've just put them out."

My therapist just told me I have extreme difficulty in picking up social cues.
I think she is in love with me.

What do you call a bee that can’t make up its mind? A maybe.

Someone removed the 5th month from all of my calendars.
I am so disMAYed.

Sex without condoms is magical.
.
.
A baby appears, and father disappears.

Where do Tigers Live?

In the Tiger Woods.