Start laughing today: The Best Jokes for Girls.

Men have nipples; they just don't serve any purpose. And neither do their nipples.

Men don't become more mature as they age.
They become better at hiding how immature they really are.

Girls love 6 packs.
Women love 6 inches.
Legends love 6 hours.

I'm looking for a man with a nice six-pack. He'll get bonus points if he brings pizza too.

It makes sense why women hate premature ejaculation so much
Our whole lives we're taught that nothing worth having comes easy.

A woman was dining in a dimly lit restaurant and thought she saw an acquaintance. As she approached the other woman's table to say hello, she realized she was mistaken and said, "Oh, sorry, but you look like Helen Brown." "I know," said the stranger, "but my purple dress is at the cleaners."

What do women want? Shoes. Lots and lots of shoes. Like a lot of shoes. Sometimes orgasms but mostly shoes.

I like my men like I like my burgers, hard to fit in my mouth.

Every woman's dream is that a man will take her in his arms, throw her into bed... and clean the whole house while she sleeps.

The trouble with some self-made men is that they worship their creator.

Thinking of changing my name to G Spot, at least i know men won't find me.

Ladies don't insult your husbands choices ...you're one of them.

Guys don't feel good about your choices... She is one of them.

Some men think they are gentlemen, just because they prefer blondes.

The best time to ask my husband if he’s mad at me is when I’m naked.

My knight is not coming on a white horse. He's obviously riding a turtle somewhere, really confused.

HUSBANDS ARE LIKE FIRES 🔥 They go out when unattended...

MY PRINCE isn't coming on a white horse… Obviously he's riding a turtle and definitely lost!

Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he is in diapers.

Man or woman, taking a bra off is likely to be one of the high points of your day.

Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.

My husband and I fell in love at first sight. But when I think about it, maybe I should have taken a second look...

What do a clitoris, an anniversary and a toilet all have in common...?
Fellas usually miss all 3...:

Never trust a man who smells like livestock medication.

HUSBANDS ARE LIKE WINE... THEY TAKE A LONG TIME TO MATURE!

Some men can't think straight -- they always have curves on their minds.

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Behind every great man is a woman, and behind her his wife trying to find out where he was the whole afternoon!

The only difference between me and an egg is that an egg gets Laid.

My husband says I have 'selective amnesia' but I can't quite remember what that is?

What's common between a good boyfriend and a lion?
They're both ready to eat you.

Q. How do men exercise at the beach?
A. By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

Two women were talking about their new milkman.

"He's very good looking, punctual and dresses so smartly" said one.

"And dresses so quickly too!" said the other.

My husband’s favourite sex position is ‘the JFK’.
He splatters all over me while I scream and try to get out of the car...

Ladies, you can tell a lot about a man by how dogs react to him.
For example, if the police K9 is biting him, he may not be ideal.

Men would be way more excited about cleaning if spray bottles made laser noises.

Girls get friend zoned too. The only difference is, the guy will still sleep with you.

My vagina’s name is Little Richard because she tastes Tutti Fruitti and hates Lil Dick.

Much like a dog, men will pretty much do anything you want if you feed them first.

Every girl keeps an extra boyfriend & calls him bestfriend..

I once fell in love with a girl who only knew 4 vowels, she didn't know I existed.

As I get older.
I can sense people dressing me with their eyes.

Women are angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we continue to fly... on a broomstick. We’re flexible that way.

When a guy says "I'm Fine" what he is really trying to say is that he is fine.

I was in a lesbian relationship once.
🤦
I mean....
I wasn't with another woman or anything. He just acted like a bitch.

No Man has ever won the
"Did you notice something different about me?"
Quiz.

While on vacation, one of the men at the lighthouse told me he was a keeper. I left quickly. He wasn’t my type.

What's the difference between a husband and a boyfriend? 45 minutes!

WHEN GIRLS DRINK TO MUCH:
1~ We have absolutely no idea where our purse is.
2~ We believe that dancing with our arms overhead,wiggling our butt while yelling woohoo! is truly the sexiest dance move around.
3~ In our last trip to pee,we realize that we now look like a homeless hooker then the goddess we were just 4 hours ago.
4~We start crying and telling everyone we see-that we love them so much.
5~ We get extremely excited and jump up and down every time a new song plays because "oh my god! I love that song!"
6~ We've found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to us.
7~ We yell at the bartender who we believe cheated us by giving us just juice.But that's because we can no longer taste the alcohol.
8~ We think we are in bed. But our pillow feels strangely like the bathroom floor or toilet or kitchen floor or mop.
9~ We fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when we sit on it.
10~ We take off our shoes because we believe it's their fault that were having issues walking straight.

A man is like a snowstorm. You never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it will last.

Man: "Hey baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not enter."

Life is not a fairytale. If you lose your shoe at midnight its because you are drunk.

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were sitting around trying to compare their boyfriends to brands of pop.
The redhead said "My boyfriend is like 7-up. He is seven inches long and he is always up."
The brunette said "My boyfriend is like Mountain Dew. He loves to do it in the Mountains all the time."
The blonde said "My boyfriend is like Jack Daniels."
The brunette cut in "You can't use Jack Daniels. That's a hard liquor."
A smile crossed the blondes face. "I know"

I wanna open a woman only gym and call it g-spot.
Men wouldn't find it.

Anal Sex: The only time a man tries to convince you his dick really isn't that big.

If you cup is only half full, you probably need a different bra.

I masturbated so good last night that when i woke up my clit was in the kitchen cooking breakfast.

"Another new dress," shouted the husband. "Where do you think I'm going to get the money from to pay for it?"
"I didn't marry you to give you financial advice" she replied with complete nonchalance.

I said to my wife this morning
“why do we always argue about everything?” she replied
“Well if I agreed with you, then we'd both be wrong”

A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress.
After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool..The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder's pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, .."See those, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!".She is aching for action at this point...Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door...He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?".She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"

HOW TO TREAT A WOMAN:
Wine her. Dine her. Call her. Hold her. Surprise her. Compliment her. Smile at her. Listen to her. Laugh with her. Cry with her. Romance her. Encourage her. Believe in her. Cuddle with her. Shop with her. Give her jewelry. Buy her flowers. Hold her hand. Write love letters to her. Go to the ends of the earth and back again for her.
HOW TO TREAT A MAN:
Show up naked. Bring chicken wings & beer. Don't block the TV..

WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock!

Being a boy seems so easy, all u gotta do is lie and get haircut.

The Women's Dictionary
1.Fine
This is the word women use at the end of any argument when they feel they are right but can't stand to hear you argue any longer. It means that you should shut up. Incidentally, never use the word "fine" to describe how she looks.
2. Five minutes
These words actually mean half an hour. It is the equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the rubbish, so women feel that it's an even trade.
3. Nothing
The word "nothing" means something and you should be on your guard immediately on hearing it uttered. It is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" is signal for an argument that will last "five minutes" and end with the word "fine".
4. Go Ahead (Raised eyebrow)
Said in conjunction with raised eyebrows, it actually means the opposite. The words "go ahead" are not permission to do something; on the contrary it's a dare! If you mistake it for permission, the result will be the woman will get upset over "nothing" and you'll have a "five-minute" discussion that will end with the word "fine."
5. Go Ahead (Normal eyebrow)
Said in conjunction with normal eyebrows, it should not be confused with the granting of permission either. It means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". It is normally precedes by a few seconds a raised eyebrow and the words "go ahead", followed by "nothing" and "fine". She will speak to you again in about "five minutes" when she cools off.
6. Loud Sigh
This is not actually a word, but it is an important form of communication between a man and woman. It is also very frequently misunderstood by men. A "loud sigh" means she thinks you are a complete idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "nothing"!
7. Soft Sigh
Again, not a word, but a statement. "Soft sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. It means she is momentarily content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe in the hope that the moment will last a bit longer.
8. Oh
This word - followed by any statement - heralds big trouble. For example, "Oh, I spoke to him about what you were up to last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, just run - do not walk. She will tell you that she is "fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least two days.
9. That's Okay
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding what the penalty will be for whatever you have done. "That's okay" is often used in conjunction with the word "fine" and a raised eye browed "Go ahead". Don't be fooled, once she has had time to plan
it out, you are in for some mighty big trouble.
10. Please Do
This is not a statement, it is an offer. The woman is giving you the chance to come up with an excuse for what you have done. In other words, a chance to get yourself into even more trouble. If you handle this correctly, you shouldn't get a "That's okay."
11. Thanks
The woman is thanking you. Don't faint and don't look for hidden meaning. Just say "you're welcome".
12. Thanks A Lot
Thanks a lot" is dramatically different from "thanks". A woman will say "thanks a lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It is usually followed by the "loud sigh". This signifies that you have hurt her in some way. Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "loud sigh," as she will only tell you "nothing".

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

For a woman, marriage is more than just a word.
It's a sentence. 😎

Why are men so smart during sex?
Cause they’re plugged into a genius!

What’s the insensitive part at the end of the penis called again?
Oh, right, a man.

What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A guy will actually search for a golf ball!

What's the difference between your boyfriend and a condom?
Condoms have evolved: They're not so thick and insensitive anymore.

I have received hundreds of replies to my ad for a husband.
They all say the same thing - "Take mine."

What is a man's ultimate shame? When he runs into a wall with a hard-on and grabs his nose first!

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

Jane: "Where are all the kind, considerate, loving men who can show their feelings?"
Jill: "They already have boyfriends." 💋

Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
A: Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions. ➡

PMS jokes aren't funny. Period. 😁

For all the guys who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember that's where the knives are kept. 🔪

Girl: "Girls are better than boys."
Boy: "Then why did God make boys first?"
Girl: "Duh, you have to have a rough draft before the final copy." ©

A boy walks up to a girl and says " i would tell you a joke about my dick but it’s too long" then the girl say’s " yeah, i would tell you a joke about my pussy but you’ll never get it."

Women in Washington DC were asked if they would have sex with the President. 86% of those responding said, ''Not again.'' 👧

A woman goes to her doctor to discuss the pros and cons of a breast augmentation. The doctor is not a huge fan of plastic surgery, favoring a more holistic approach. He tells the woman there are a series of exercises she could try first, in order to firm up and enlarge her breasts.

The woman is leery, but she hears him out.

"What you're going to do," says the doctor "is thrice, daily, preform ten repetitions of the following." He then proceeds to put his hands under his armpits, making a sort of bird-wing-flapping motion, saying "eeny, meeny, miney, moe, I want my boobs to grow."

"You're pulling my leg," says the woman.

"No it really works for 9 out of 10 women," responds the doctor. "You should grow at least a cup size in two to three months."

Again, the woman is suspicious, but she decides to give it a try. At least for two months.

After only two weeks, doing ten repetitions, three times per day, the woman discovers that her breasts really do feel firmer and her bra seems a bit tighter. Needless to say, she decides to stay the course.

On a particularly hectic day, she is on the subway to meet a client for lunch, when she realizes that she has forgotten her midday routine. She's so dedicated and invested at this point, that she just stands up on the subway, does her thing, and sits back down, hoping nobody thinks it was too absurd.

A man on the other end of the car takes notice and walks over to her.

"Excuse me," he says "but do you happen to be a patient of Dr. Kaufman's?"

"Why yes!" she responds, "How did you know?"

The man proceeds to preform synchronized pelvic thrusts, while chanted "hickory, dickory, dock!..."