Mens Jokes - Your Go-To Source of Guy Humor.

If you can make a woman laugh, you're almost there.

If you're almost there and then she laughs, that's a different thing.

Men’s day isn’t as popular as Women’s day because we can’t celebrate all the achievements of men in a single day.

Never treat a woman like an object.
It hates that.

Ladies...No guy has ever said...

I'd screw her, if her eyelashes were a little longer.

Arguing with a woman is like buying a lottery ticket, you're probably not gonna win, but you're sure as hell gonna try!

I want 50/50 relationship,
She cook: I eat
She do laundry: I wear
I do shopping: She pay the bill.

How do painkillers know where the pain is in the body?
Painkillers are like women..... They know everything.

When a man says he'll do anything for a woman, he means fight bad guys and kill dragons, not vacuum or wash dishes.

A boy to his dad: "What's polygamy?"
"It's having one wife too many", he says.

"And what is monogamy?"

"... the same"

Boys love tall girls.
But t is silent.

Why are Scandinavian women so hot?
The Vikings didn’t bring back the ugly ones.

When a woman asks you to guess her age, it's like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb.

Long long ago there once was a woman that never complained. Then again it was long long ago and it was only once!

My wife can sigh the entire alphabet.

Before I was married my girlfriend told me, " Don't even talk to me about sex before we are married." After I married her, she said " Okay, You now can talk about it. All you want. You're not getting any! :"

Bloke 1: 'Saw two girls struggling with those wooden paddle things on a row boat this morning'
Bloke 2: 'Oars?"
Bloke 1: 'No. Seemed like decent girls to me'

When she starts a conversation with “if it wasn’t for me…” get ready for some serious narcissistic shit.

Me wife just asked me to bring home some stuff for the pancakes today...She wasn't fucking happy when I came back with a push up bra.

I love women's forums, because no one cares about corruption, the dollar, terrorism ... Nothing cares there if it does not cause cracks on nipples.

Call me old fashioned but I prefer women with eyebrows made out of hair.

I like my women like my toilet seats: clean (and the kind that go down easy)

My wife always satisfies me during sex by not being there.

If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

I think that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

Give it lady an inch, she'll want a foot. Givea lady a foot, she'll want a yard. Give a lady a yard and she'll want a pool in it!

All men reach an age when they greet each other with "There he is."

The best thing about being a man is not worrying about needing a new fall purse.

Dear Girls,
We like your brains, not your body.

Sincerely,
Beloved

The ability to live happily without women is incredibly attractive to them.

What you say: All men are alike.
What I hear: You've tried them all.

My first wife was a nymphomaniac. But after five years of marriage the nympho left, leaving me with the maniac.

Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.

😅 "A man is incomplete until he gets married. After that, he's finished..." 🤔

Women are like the police. They can have all the evidence in the world, but still want a confession.

When a guy says "I'm Fine" what he is really trying to say is that he is fine.

The only way you can be right in an argument with a woman is by admitting you're wrong.

The nice thing about being a guy is your underwear only costs $10 for a 3-pack.

I Knew A Woman Who Owned A Taser…
Man, She Was Stunning!!!

WOMAN'S MIND is cleaner than a man’s because she changes her mind more often!

If you help a woman when she's in trouble... she'll remember you when she's in trouble again!

I asked my girlfriend if she could help me write my Will.
She said "Sure, leave it all to me"

I had a girlfriend once with a wooden leg, but I broke it off.

Nothing is impossible. I know a man that once guessed correctly why a woman was mad at him.

Just because you WANT a good man doesn't mean you deserve one...

The only thing I hate worse than holding a girl's purse is when it doesn't match what I'm wearing.

Boys never cheat, they just practice with other girls to be a better boyfriend

A real man doesn't stand there and watch his girl pay for anything.
That's why I wait in the car.

Boys don’t cheat, they practice with other girls to be better boyfriends.

I'm in the middle of writing a book about understanding women. So far it's 50 pages thick ..........................................................................................,...,.................
..all blank

What the hell do women do with the flowers we give them!? And why flowers?? Why not vegetables?? Vegetables are far more useful.

I left my first girlfriend because she just wouldn’t stop counting.
I often wonder what she’s up to now.

Men’s day isn’t as popular as Women’s day because we can’t celebrate all the achievements of men in a single day.

Being a man is hard. No wigs. No make up. No lashes. If you ugly. You just ugly.

First woman in space:
"Houston, we have a problem."
What?
"Never mind."
What's the problem?
"Nothing."
Please tell us.
"I'm fine."

Apparently, you can only say "look at you! You got so big!" to children... old girlfriends tend to get offended.

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "quick, bring me a beer before it starts."
She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.
When he finished it, he said, "quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.
When it was gone, he said, "quick, another beer, it's gonna start any second."
"That's it!" She blows her top. "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"
The husband sighed. "Oh shit, it's started"

My wife's not talking to me because I didn't open the car door for her... I just panicked and swam to the surface.

A man is lounging in his favorite chair, drinking a beer, while his wife is cutting the lawn.
A lady walking by sees this and yells at the man: "You should be hung!"
The man takes a drink of his beer, and says to the lady: "I am. That's why she's cutting the grass."

My other wife was a genie - every time you opened a bottle she appeared by your side.

My wife's an exorcist. When she comes to your house your spirits disappear!

A married couple was asleep when the telephone rang at two in the morning. The wife picked up the telephone, listened a moment, and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
The husband said, "Who was that?"
The wife said, "I don't know; some stupid woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear'!"

The girl asked me, "When you're on a boys only trip, do you think about me?" Apparently "Only to stop myself from coming too quickly" wasn't the right answer.

I went to see my lawyer about divorcing my wife.
She hasn’t spoken to me for six months.
He said”Are you sure.
Wives like that are hard to come by”

When my wife says: "I've been thinking"
This means I'm about to rearrange, move, fix, paint or go pick her mom up at the airport.

My wife said... "is it just me or is the cat getting fat"?
Apparently "no its just you" was not the right answer 🙄

My wife left me because of my gambling.
Any tips on how I can win her back?

My wife hates it when I make jokes about her weight.
She needs to lighten up....!

Things Men know about Women:
1:
2:
3:
4:
5:
6:
7:
8:
9:
10: Women have Breasts.

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotch-less panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life.
She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.
At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs - enough times and eventually her husband finally asks, "Are you wearing crotch-less panties?"
"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile..
"OMG! Thank goodness .... I thought you were sitting on the cat!"

Wife hasn’t spoken to me for 3 days! Haven't got a clue what I did to cause it.
Shame, because I'd like to do it again next week.

I'm sure my mate is having an affair with my wife.
He's been proper miserable lately! 😃

It was the wifes birthday so I booked a table, now she tells me that she don`t like snooker - women !!

I've been that depressed lately, the wife has threatened to leave me.
Even that didn't cheer me up!! 😎

A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this, the wife wants him to quit. She gets two shot glasses, fills one with water and the other with whiskey. After bringing him to the table that has the glasses, she brings his bait box. She says, "I want you to see this." She puts a worm in the water, and it swims around. She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, "What do you have to say about this experiment?" He responds by saying, "If I drink whiskey, I won't get worms!" 🥃

My wife accused me of ruining her birthday yesterday.
Total lie.
I didn't even know it was her birthday yesterday!

Husband : -I lost my wife, she went shopping 12 hours ago and hasn't come back yet.
Inspector : -Ok bare with me, I have to ask some questions before we can file the report.
Husband : - Fine by me.
Inspector : -What's her height?
Husband : -Average, I guess.
Inspector : -Slim or healthy?
Husband : -Not slim, but not healthy.
Inspector : -Color of eyes?
Husband : -I Never really noticed...
Inspector : -Color of hair?
Husband : -She changes it every 6 months, so I couldn't tell you.
Inspector : -What was she wearing?
Husband : -Not sure... either a dress or jeans...
Inspector : -Was she driving?
Husband : -Yes!
Inspector : - What was the Color of the car?
Husband : -Black 68 Camaro SS hardtop coupe. With a 454 V8 engine, Richmond Super T-10 Transmission, Single 4 Barrel Fuel Delivery System, 12 Bolt 4.10 Posi Axle Specif., Manual Baer brake calipers clamp large drilled and slotted rotors.... And then the husband started crying...
Inspector: -Don't worry sir... We'll find your car.

What's a man's idea of a perfect woman?
Three foot tall, large mouth, and a flat head to rest your beer on. 🍺

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. “Boss,” he says, “we’re doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff.”
“We’re short-handed, Smith” the boss replies. “I can’t give you the day off.”
“Thanks, boss,” says Smith “I knew I could count on you!” 😎

A man is lying on the beach, wearing nothing but a cap over his crotch. A woman passing by remarks, "If you were any sort of a gentleman, you would lift your hat to a lady." He replies, "If you were any sort of a sexy lady, the hat would lift by itself." 😎

How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer. 😁