Chill Out with Cool and Funny Winter Jokes Collection.

Humpty Dumpty had a terrible winter.

Which sucks because he had a great fall.

After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please.

Never try to catch snowflakes on your tongue until all the local birds have flown south for the winter.

The winter during hard times is like my penis

Things get harder as we have less clothing.

My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.

Is your name winter?

Because you’ll be coming soon.

The guys who work on my yard in the summer also shovel snow in the winter.

They go from landscapers to landscrapers.

You know why ladies don't wear mini skirts in the winter?
Cause they'll get chapped lips

A farmer had his farm on the Finnish/Russian border and the government asked him what country he wanted his farm to be in since it couldn't be in both. And he said Finland and the government asked him why.
And he said "because I can't stand the russian winters".

My favorite part of winter is when it’s over.

We are expecting such a cold Winter, the Squirrels are collecting more nuts than usual.
So far, 3 of my relatives have disappeared.

My favorite part of winter is when its over.

What are hot dogs called in winter?
Chilly dogs.

Humpty Dumpty had a terrible winter.
Which sucks because he had a great fall.

Winter solstice sounds like something we should celebrate with chips and dip.

Q: What’s a math teacher’s favorite winter sport?

A: Figure skating.

Laughter is the sun that drives winter from the human face.

Heinz is making a new season salt. The winter salt is not great, but you will flip when you taste their summer salt.

Finally found a drive-in theater.
I went to see Closed for the Winter and almost froze to death.

Winter sports fans need to accept it; Skiing is going downhill.

My son asked me, "Daddy, why do bees stay in the hive in the winter?" I smiled and answered...

"Swarm."

Happy summer -- the time when it's too hot to do the jobs it was too cold to do all winter!

An Irish family have frozen to death outside a theatre in Dublin.
They had been queuing for five months to see “Closed For The Winter.”

I’ve finally gotten rid of all my Winter fat .... it’s all now Spring rolls!

A regional Communist Party meeting is held to celebrate the anniversary of the Great October Socialist Revolution. The Chairman gives a speech: “Dear comrades! Let’s look at the amazing achievements of our Party after the revolution. For example, Maria here, who was she before the revolution? An illiterate peasant; she had but one dress and no shoes. And now? She is an exemplary milkmaid known throughout the entire region. Or look at Ivan Andreev. He was the poorest man in this village; he had no horse, no cow, not even an axe. And now? He is a tractor driver with two pairs of shoes! Or Trofim Semenovich Alekseev – he was a nasty hooligan, a drunk, and a dirty gadabout. Nobody would trust him with as much as a snowdrift in wintertime, as he would steal anything he could get his hands on. And now he’s Secretary of the Party Committee!”

If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport.
~ Jonathan Winters.

Q: what did the tree say after a long winter?
A: “what a reLeaf”

"In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer."

~Albert Camus

Finally my winter fat has gone...

Now, I have spring rolls.

I'm such a rebel, I eat spring rolls in winter.

I went to the store during the winter and there were gloves everywhere, right and left.

Why do bees stay in the hive in the winter?

Swarm.

Owls prefer to mate in the summer than in the winter when it rains. It’s too wet to woo.

What happens when winter arrives? Autumn leaves!

Q: Why do birds fly South for the winter?
A: It's too far to walk.

The Indians on a remote reservation in Oklahoma asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'
'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'
'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'
The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'
'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'
'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.
The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting a shitload of firewood'

I heard that Humpty Dumpty had a terrible Winter.
Which is quite odd because he had a great Fall.

Is your name winter? Because you’ll be coming soon.