Jokes About Time: Laughing Through the Ages.

A woman constantly keeps sneezing and goes to see the doctor. She tells him, "Doctor, I constantly keep sneezing, and every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The doctor asks, "What are you doing for it?" The woman replies, "Sniffing pepper."

With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it's only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy's truck leaves him too.

If I had a dollar for every time algebra has helped me in real life, I'd have x dollars.

A bachelor Chinese millionaire is on a business trip in Los Angeles. He has had very bad luck finding the perfect bride in China and had given up hope of getting married. During his business presentation, he sees the perfect bride for him -- she is an intelligent, tall, slender single brunette with beautiful blue eyes. He is instantly infatuated with her!

After his business presentation, he walks out of the board room and approaches this beautiful woman. He is very outspoken and immediately asks her to marry him! She's taken aback at the proposal, but she doesn't want to lose a potential client for her company by saying a flat out "no". So, if he fulfills three tasks of her choosing, she will marry him.

Her first request: "Within two weeks, build an 8-lane bridge -- entirely made of platinum -- spanning from Japan to Los Angeles." He replies: "I build! I build!" ... the bridge is completed in only 13 days! She is shocked that he is capable to accomplish this task within such a short time restraint.

Her second request: "Within one week, you must build a super-sonic overhead rail system that connects every major city in the USA, that takes only an hour to reach any city that the passengers desire." He replies: "I build! I build!" ... the rail system -- complete with 5,000 stops -- is constructed within 5 days!

Her last request: "I insist on having a husband with a twelve inch penis." He replies: "I cut! I cut!"

Next time you're having an argument with your wife, start undressing.She will instantly have a headache and go to sleep.

We live in a time when intelligent people are being silenced so that stupid people won't be offended.

"Python: the language where 'batteries included' means you’ll spend
half your time figuring out which library to use."

You can't make the same mistake twice. The second time you make it, it's no longer a mistake, it's a choice.

"I’m not saying my boss is a bad manager, but the last time I saw him, he was holding a 'How to Lose Employees' seminar."

"If time travel is possible, where are the tourists from the future?"
~ Stephen Hawking

“Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and it annoys the pig.”

- Mark Twain

Every time dreams come true the alarm clock turns on.

Next time you hear something described as "Government-funded" remember that the government is 100% taxpayer-funded.

"The four most dangerous words in investing are: 'this time it's different."

Sir John Templeton

Life tip:The best time to search for a job is when you already have one.

You want to make your way in the CS field? Simple. Calculate rough time of amnesia (hell, 10 years is plenty, probably 10 months is plenty), go to the dusty archives, dig out something fun, and go for it. It’s worked for many people, and it can work for you.

-- Ron Minnich

One man's crappy software is another man's full time job.

-- Jessica Gaston

If I had a dollar for every time algebra has helped me in real life, I'd have x dollars.

A vacation is a very expensive way to schedule the time to read a book in peace.

Fun fact.

Every time Sweden and Denmark play a football match, the scoreboard says SWE - DEN.

Interestingly, the letters omitted from the scoreboard spell DEN - MARK.

Next time you hear something described as "Government-funded" remember that the government is 100% taxpayer-funded.

If you think time travel is a hassle now, just wait until yesterday.

Christmas tip: wrap empty boxes & put them under the tree.
Every time your child acts up, throw one in the fireplace.

What did the egg say to the boiling water?

Sorry it's gonna take me some time to get hard, I just got laid by some chick.

Forgive your parents for their mistakes, it's their first time living life too.

My girlfriend said she needs some time and distance.

Is she calculating speed?

My girlfriend said she needs some time and distance.

Is she calculating speed?

Every time I avoid eating Halloween candy I reward myself by eating Halloween candy.

Next time you hear something described as "Government-funded" remember that the government is 100% taxpayer-funded.

Why don’t mummies ever take time off?

They’re afraid to unwind.

A man and a woman were traveling in a train.Woman : Every time you smile,feel like inviting you to my place. Man: ... Are you single?

Woman: No. I'm a dentist.

Physics ? Oh, you mean that thing where I defy gravity every time I walk down a runway?
- Gisele Bündchen

Every time you forget about a cup of tea a small part of the universe dies forever.

A Glaswegian lad takes his girlfriend home for the first time and introduces her to his parents.

"This is Amanda."

His dad jumps up and says, "It's a fucking what?"

Colleague at work asked for advice so I told him to be himself.

Last time I do that. Turns out he's a complete asshole.

I used to be addicted to time travel, but that’s all in the future now.

My ex husband just texted me, "Wish you were here."

He does that every time he walks through a cemetery.

I wish I was as fat as the first time I thought I was fat.

Sometimes I'm scared to sleep because I know when I wake up it's gonna be time to go to work.

My favorite part of my job is assuming I'm fired every time one of my passwords doesn't work.

It’s always awkward the first time you hold hands with someone... because they usually want to know who you are.

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
~ Ernest Hemingway

I don't always have time to write documentation, but when I do, I still don't.

Next time you’re in a fight with your wife,start undressing...She will instantly have a headache and fall asleep.

So many rules; so little time to break them.

If I had a dollar for every time socialism worked, I would have $0.

When I was a kid, bedtime was 9 pm and I couldn't wait to be a grownup so I could go to bed any time I wanted... turns out that's 9 pm.

I’m going to start telling women that I’m available for a "limited time only" in hopes that their shopping instinct kicks in.

What time does Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon? Tennish.

If you don't have anything nice to say I would probably enjoy spending time with you.

Anal sex keeps my gf in shape. Every time I just mention it and she runs a mile from me.

“If one prevents a man from working for the good of society while at the same time providing for the satisfaction of his own needs, then only one way remains open to him: to make himself richer and others poorer by the violent oppression and spoliation of his fellow men.”
- Ludwig von Mises

There is no extra time at a Botox appointment. They keep a pretty tight schedule.

My young son pointed at a lesbian couple kissing in the park...

So i walked over and said, "There's a time and a place for that, ladies"...

They looked at me. "Oh, is there now"...? asked one lady, folding her arms...

I said, "Yes. It's 9pm and my house"...