Jokes About Time: Laughing Through the Ages.

So I bought fresh Peas for the first time and threw the PODS away.

Yep, I just did my first PODcast!

Hacker's Law: The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir a nation or an organization to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions.
Hacker's Law of Personnel: Anyone having supervisory responsibility for the completion of a task will invariably protest that more resources are needed.
Hagerty's Law: If you lose your temper at a newspaper columnist, he'll get rich or famous or both.
Haldane's Law: The Universe is not only queerer than we imagine, it is queerer than we CAN imagine.
Hale's Rule: The sumptuousnss of a company's annual report is in inverse proportion to its profitability that year.
Hall's Law: There is a statistical correlation between the number of initials in an Englishman's name and his social class (the upper class having significantly more than three names, while members of the lower class average 2.6).
Halpern's Observation: That tendency to err that programmers have been noticed to share with other human beings has often been treated as if it were an awkwardness attendant upon programming's adolescence, which like acne would disappear with the craft's coming of age. It has proved otherwise.
Harden's Law: Every time you come up with a terrific idea, you find that someone else thought of it first.
Hardin's Law: You can never do merely one thing.
Harper's Magazine's Law: You never find an article until you replace it.
Harris's Lament: All the good ones are taken.
Harris's Law: Any philosophy that can be put "in a nutshell" belongs there.
Harris's Restaurant Paradox: One of the greatest unsolved riddles of restaurant eating is that the customer usually gets faster service when the retaurant is crowded than when it is half empty; it seems that the less the staff has to do, the slower they do it.
Harrison's Postulate: For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Hartig's How Is Good Old Bill? We're Divorced Law: If there is a wrong thing to say, one will.
Hartig's Sleeve in the Cup, Thumb in the Butter Law: When one is trying to be elegant and sophisticated, one won't.
Hartley's Law: You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float on his back you've got something.
Hartley's Second Law: Never go to bed with anybody crazier than you are.
Hartman's Automotive Laws:
Nothing minor ever happens to a car on the weekend.
Nothing minor ever happens to a car on a trip.
Nothing minor ever happens to a car.
Hart's Law: In a country as big as the United States, you can find fifty examples of anything.
Harver's Law: A drunken man's words are a sober man's thoughts.
Hawkin's Theory of Progress: Progress does not consist of replacing a theory that is wrong with one that is right. It consists of replacing a theory that is wrong with one that is more subtly wrong.
Hein's Law: Problems worthy of attack prove their worth by hitting back.
Heller's Myths of Management: The first myth of management is that it exists. The second myth of management is that success equals skill.
Corollary (Johnson): Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within your organization.
Hellrung's Law: If you wait, it will go away. (Shevelson's Extension: ... having done its damage.) [Grelb's Addition: ... if it was bad, it will be back.]
Hendrickson's Law: If a problem causes many meetings, the meetings eventually become more important than the problem.
Herblock's Law: If it's good, they'll stop making it.
Herrnstein's Law: The total attention paid to an instructor is a constant regardless of the size of the class.
Hersh's Law: Biochemistry expands to fill the space and time available for its completion and publication.
Hildebrand's Law: The quality of a department is inversely proportional to the number of courses it lists in its catalogue.
Historian's Rule: Any event, once it has occurred, can be made to appear inevitable by a competent historian.
Hoare's Law of Large Programs: Inside every large program is a small program struggling to get out.
Hogg's Law of Station Wagons: The amount of junk is in direct proportion to the amount of space available.
Baggage Corollary: If you go on a trip taking two bags with you, one containing everything you need for the trip and the other containing absolutely nothing, the second bag will be completely filled with junk acquired on the trip when you return.
Horner's Five Thumb Postulate: Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.
Horngren's Observation: (generalized) The real world is a special case.
Horowitz's Rule: A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years.
Howard's First Law of Theater: Use it.
Howe's Law: Every man has a scheme that will not work.
Hull's Theorem: The combined pull of several patrons is the sum of their separate pulls multiplied by the number of patrons.
Hull's Warning: Never insult an alligator until after you have crossed the river.

Wanted.
Assistant to fill Hourglasses with sand, No time wasters.

My ex husband just texted me, "Wish you were here."

He does that every time he walks through a cemetery.

Next time you're having an argument with your wife, start undressing.She will instantly have a headache and go to sleep.

We live in a time when intelligent people are being silenced so that stupid people won't be offended.

"Python: the language where 'batteries included' means you’ll spend
half your time figuring out which library to use."

You can't make the same mistake twice. The second time you make it, it's no longer a mistake, it's a choice.

"I’m not saying my boss is a bad manager, but the last time I saw him, he was holding a 'How to Lose Employees' seminar."

"If time travel is possible, where are the tourists from the future?"
~ Stephen Hawking

“Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and it annoys the pig.”

- Mark Twain

Every time dreams come true the alarm clock turns on.

Next time you hear something described as "Government-funded" remember that the government is 100% taxpayer-funded.

"The four most dangerous words in investing are: 'this time it's different."

Sir John Templeton

Life tip:The best time to search for a job is when you already have one.

You want to make your way in the CS field? Simple. Calculate rough time of amnesia (hell, 10 years is plenty, probably 10 months is plenty), go to the dusty archives, dig out something fun, and go for it. It’s worked for many people, and it can work for you.

-- Ron Minnich

One man's crappy software is another man's full time job.

-- Jessica Gaston

If I had a dollar for every time algebra has helped me in real life, I'd have x dollars.

A vacation is a very expensive way to schedule the time to read a book in peace.

Fun fact.

Every time Sweden and Denmark play a football match, the scoreboard says SWE - DEN.

Interestingly, the letters omitted from the scoreboard spell DEN - MARK.

Next time you hear something described as "Government-funded" remember that the government is 100% taxpayer-funded.

If you think time travel is a hassle now, just wait until yesterday.

Christmas tip: wrap empty boxes & put them under the tree.
Every time your child acts up, throw one in the fireplace.

What did the egg say to the boiling water?

Sorry it's gonna take me some time to get hard, I just got laid by some chick.

Forgive your parents for their mistakes, it's their first time living life too.

My girlfriend said she needs some time and distance.

Is she calculating speed?

My girlfriend said she needs some time and distance.

Is she calculating speed?

Every time I avoid eating Halloween candy I reward myself by eating Halloween candy.

Next time you hear something described as "Government-funded" remember that the government is 100% taxpayer-funded.

Why don’t mummies ever take time off?

They’re afraid to unwind.

A man and a woman were traveling in a train.Woman : Every time you smile,feel like inviting you to my place. Man: ... Are you single?

Woman: No. I'm a dentist.

Physics ? Oh, you mean that thing where I defy gravity every time I walk down a runway?
- Gisele Bündchen

Every time you forget about a cup of tea a small part of the universe dies forever.

A Glaswegian lad takes his girlfriend home for the first time and introduces her to his parents.

"This is Amanda."

His dad jumps up and says, "It's a fucking what?"

Colleague at work asked for advice so I told him to be himself.

Last time I do that. Turns out he's a complete asshole.

I used to be addicted to time travel, but that’s all in the future now.

My ex husband just texted me, "Wish you were here."

He does that every time he walks through a cemetery.

I wish I was as fat as the first time I thought I was fat.

Sometimes I'm scared to sleep because I know when I wake up it's gonna be time to go to work.

My favorite part of my job is assuming I'm fired every time one of my passwords doesn't work.

It’s always awkward the first time you hold hands with someone... because they usually want to know who you are.

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
~ Ernest Hemingway

I don't always have time to write documentation, but when I do, I still don't.

Next time you’re in a fight with your wife,start undressing...She will instantly have a headache and fall asleep.

So many rules; so little time to break them.

If I had a dollar for every time socialism worked, I would have $0.

When I was a kid, bedtime was 9 pm and I couldn't wait to be a grownup so I could go to bed any time I wanted... turns out that's 9 pm.

I’m going to start telling women that I’m available for a "limited time only" in hopes that their shopping instinct kicks in.

What time does Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon? Tennish.

If you don't have anything nice to say I would probably enjoy spending time with you.

Anal sex keeps my gf in shape. Every time I just mention it and she runs a mile from me.

“If one prevents a man from working for the good of society while at the same time providing for the satisfaction of his own needs, then only one way remains open to him: to make himself richer and others poorer by the violent oppression and spoliation of his fellow men.”
- Ludwig von Mises

There is no extra time at a Botox appointment. They keep a pretty tight schedule.

My young son pointed at a lesbian couple kissing in the park...

So i walked over and said, "There's a time and a place for that, ladies"...

They looked at me. "Oh, is there now"...? asked one lady, folding her arms...

I said, "Yes. It's 9pm and my house"...