Jokes About Time: Laughing Through the Ages.

What time does Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon? Tennish.

I went to the doctors yesterday and told him that every time I cough, I hear words like knight, bishop, pawn and queen .
He said I had a chess infection.

Taxi Principle: Find out the cost before you get in.
Terman's Law: There is no direct relationship between the quality of an educational program and its cost.
Terman's Law of Innovation: If you want a track team to win the high jump you find one person who can jump seven feet, not seven people who can jump one foot.
Thinking Man's Tautology: If you think you're wrong, you're wrong.
Corollary: If you think you're wrong, you're right.
Thoreau's Law: If you see a man approaching with the obvious intent of doing you good, run for your life.
Thoreau's Rule: Any fool can make a rule, and every fool will mind it.
Thurber's Conclusion: There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else.
Thwartz's Theorem of Low Profile: Negative expectation thwarts realization, and self-congratulation guarantees disaster. (Or, simply put: If you think of it, it won't happen quite that way.)
Tipper's Law: Those who expect the biggest tips provide the worst service.
Titanic Coincidence: Most accidents in well-designed systems involve two or more events of low probability occurring in the worst possible combination.
Torquemada's Law: When you are sure you're right, you have a moral duty to impose your will upon anyone who disagrees with you.
Transcription Square Law: The number of errors made is equal to the sum of the squares employed.
Travel Axiom: He travels fastest who travels alone . . . but he hasn't anything to do when he gets there.
First Law of Travel: No matter how many rooms there are in the motel, the fellow who starts up his car at five o'clock in the morning is always parked under your window.
Trischmann's Paradox (Axiom of the Pipe): A pipe gives a wise man time to think and a fool something to stick in his mouth.
Law of Triviality: The time spent on any item of the agenda will be in inverse proportion to the sum involved.
Troutman's Laws of Computer Programming:
Any running program is obsolete.
Any planned program costs more and takes longer.
Any useful program will have to be changed.
Any useless program will have to be documented.
The size of a program expands to fill all available memory.
The value of a program is inversely proportional to the weight of its output.
The complexity of a program grows until it exceeds the capability of its maintainers.
Any system that relies on computer reliability is unreliable.
Any system that relies on human reliability is unreliable.
Make it possible for programmers to write programs in English, and you will find that programmers cannot write in English.
Profanity is the one language all programmers know best.
Truman's Law: If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
Tuccille's First Law of Reality: Industry always moves in to fill an economic vacuum.
Turnauckas's Observation: To err is human; to really foul things up takes a computer.
Turner's Law: Nearly all prophecies made in public are wrong.
Twain's Rule: Only kings, editors, and people with tapeworm have the right to use the editorial "we".
Tylk's Law: Assumption is the mother of all foul-ups.

Belle's Constant: The ratio of time involved in work to time available for work is usually about 0.6.

Next time you're having an argument with your wife, start undressing.She will instantly have a headache and go to sleep.

We live in a time when intelligent people are being silenced so that stupid people won't be offended.

"Python: the language where 'batteries included' means you’ll spend
half your time figuring out which library to use."

You can't make the same mistake twice. The second time you make it, it's no longer a mistake, it's a choice.

"I’m not saying my boss is a bad manager, but the last time I saw him, he was holding a 'How to Lose Employees' seminar."

"If time travel is possible, where are the tourists from the future?"
~ Stephen Hawking

“Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and it annoys the pig.”

- Mark Twain

Every time dreams come true the alarm clock turns on.

Next time you hear something described as "Government-funded" remember that the government is 100% taxpayer-funded.

"The four most dangerous words in investing are: 'this time it's different."

Sir John Templeton

Life tip:The best time to search for a job is when you already have one.

You want to make your way in the CS field? Simple. Calculate rough time of amnesia (hell, 10 years is plenty, probably 10 months is plenty), go to the dusty archives, dig out something fun, and go for it. It’s worked for many people, and it can work for you.

-- Ron Minnich

One man's crappy software is another man's full time job.

-- Jessica Gaston

If I had a dollar for every time algebra has helped me in real life, I'd have x dollars.

A vacation is a very expensive way to schedule the time to read a book in peace.

Fun fact.

Every time Sweden and Denmark play a football match, the scoreboard says SWE - DEN.

Interestingly, the letters omitted from the scoreboard spell DEN - MARK.

Next time you hear something described as "Government-funded" remember that the government is 100% taxpayer-funded.

If you think time travel is a hassle now, just wait until yesterday.

Christmas tip: wrap empty boxes & put them under the tree.
Every time your child acts up, throw one in the fireplace.

What did the egg say to the boiling water?

Sorry it's gonna take me some time to get hard, I just got laid by some chick.

Forgive your parents for their mistakes, it's their first time living life too.

My girlfriend said she needs some time and distance.

Is she calculating speed?

My girlfriend said she needs some time and distance.

Is she calculating speed?

Every time I avoid eating Halloween candy I reward myself by eating Halloween candy.

Next time you hear something described as "Government-funded" remember that the government is 100% taxpayer-funded.

Why don’t mummies ever take time off?

They’re afraid to unwind.

A man and a woman were traveling in a train.Woman : Every time you smile,feel like inviting you to my place. Man: ... Are you single?

Woman: No. I'm a dentist.

Physics ? Oh, you mean that thing where I defy gravity every time I walk down a runway?
- Gisele Bündchen

Every time you forget about a cup of tea a small part of the universe dies forever.

A Glaswegian lad takes his girlfriend home for the first time and introduces her to his parents.

"This is Amanda."

His dad jumps up and says, "It's a fucking what?"

Colleague at work asked for advice so I told him to be himself.

Last time I do that. Turns out he's a complete asshole.

I used to be addicted to time travel, but that’s all in the future now.

My ex husband just texted me, "Wish you were here."

He does that every time he walks through a cemetery.

I wish I was as fat as the first time I thought I was fat.

Sometimes I'm scared to sleep because I know when I wake up it's gonna be time to go to work.

My favorite part of my job is assuming I'm fired every time one of my passwords doesn't work.

It’s always awkward the first time you hold hands with someone... because they usually want to know who you are.

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
~ Ernest Hemingway

I don't always have time to write documentation, but when I do, I still don't.

Next time you’re in a fight with your wife,start undressing...She will instantly have a headache and fall asleep.

So many rules; so little time to break them.

If I had a dollar for every time socialism worked, I would have $0.

When I was a kid, bedtime was 9 pm and I couldn't wait to be a grownup so I could go to bed any time I wanted... turns out that's 9 pm.

I’m going to start telling women that I’m available for a "limited time only" in hopes that their shopping instinct kicks in.

What time does Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon? Tennish.

If you don't have anything nice to say I would probably enjoy spending time with you.

Anal sex keeps my gf in shape. Every time I just mention it and she runs a mile from me.

“If one prevents a man from working for the good of society while at the same time providing for the satisfaction of his own needs, then only one way remains open to him: to make himself richer and others poorer by the violent oppression and spoliation of his fellow men.”
- Ludwig von Mises

There is no extra time at a Botox appointment. They keep a pretty tight schedule.

My young son pointed at a lesbian couple kissing in the park...

So i walked over and said, "There's a time and a place for that, ladies"...

They looked at me. "Oh, is there now"...? asked one lady, folding her arms...

I said, "Yes. It's 9pm and my house"...