Stupid Jokes - Unexpectedly Amusing.

The real pandemic is how stupid everyone is.

Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds).

Women who live in tall buildings have long hair.

Yeah, how else is a prince going to save them?

What happens if you throw white sneakers into the Black Sea?

They get wet.

What’s the difference between a rabbit and a plum?

They’re both purple except for the rabbit.

Literally no one:

0 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9.

What do you call an ocean of Cats.

A Puss-Sea.

I have a piece of furniture that disappears for a few days, then returns again.

It's periodic table.

What is a necrophiliac’s favorite candy?
A Hearsey’s Kiss.

In the hardware shop:
Me: can I have 20 light bulbs please?
Assistant: 60 watt?
Me: No, 20... And I want "LIGHT BULBS"

I was becoming more and more frustrated while looking for assistance in the phone book. The first three florists I called knew nothing about flooring.

Did you know?
When a woman is giving birth, she is literally kidding...

Whats the difference between a girls G spot and a lost pokemon card collection?
A guy will spend as much time as it takes to find the pokemon cards...

How do you give Satan a hand?
Hellp.

Sign outside a clock and watch repair shop:
We Fix Sick Ticks.

Stood next to a mirror the other day and was right beside myself!

Why are you going back and forth on that rock?
Answer: because it is my rocking chair.

I hate when people say it's a quarter to ten... when it's way easier to just say 9:75pm.

If you're bi and single then you aren't bisexual.
Your bi yourself.

Bisexuals don't wear glasses.
They use binoculars.

I hate when people accuse me of lolly gagging when I’m quite clearly dilly dallying.

Answer: Look up down.

Question: How do you research goose feathers?

Why is it called "canning" if you use jars? That's totally jarring.

What should you do before
you sign a cheque?

Check you have a pen.

Yet another reason for the chicken crossing the road:
Perhaps he was being egged on.

I kept hearing someone yell, "12 inches! 12 inches! 12 inches!"
I then knew something was afoot.

Why did the stripper need more insurance?
She had little to no coverage.

Just bought a low energy light bulb from the hardware store

Assistant asked Will you be putting this up yourself?

I said No its going in the lounge.

My pet rock isn’t feeling so good ….it might be stoned.

What to you think of the Abortion bill?
I think we should pay it.

My dishwasher sucks. It's already ruined three of my paper plates.

What are sophisticated realtors known for?
Constantly telling you all about proper tea.

Every week someone sneaks into my home and steals some of my fruit..
I don't know how but they've done it again today!
Once again, I'm absolutely peachless...

How long does pregnancy last?
For a period of time

Why did the sea monster eat 5 ships loaded with potatoes? Everybody knows you can't eat just one potato ship.

I'm glad there is a "Mothers' Day" at least 1 time per year... But humbled that there are 52 "Son-days" per year!

Late last night I walked into a really dodgy looking Disco named Medusa's.
At first I was afraid, then I was petrified.

There was a scared Spanish man at a club.
Hispanic at the disco.

I ran into a dance club for people with back problems.
It was called the Slipped Disco.

What do you call a mosh pit at a disco?
A Cluster Funk.

What's the difference between someone out in the sun all day and a large-haired disco dancer with colorful perspiration?
One sweats profusely and the other fro-sweats pucely.

I have recently started sleeping in our fireplace.
Now I sleep like a log.

Mary had a little lamb, and two nurses in the delivery room passed out.

Saw a sign on the train saying "Please give this seat to an elderly person".

So I unscrewed it and took it to my grandma's house.

Do you know where dragon milk comes from?
From a cow with short legs.

I’m bad at small talk. I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she did for a living.

Do proctologists get paid an anal salary?

I had to give up tap dancing.
I kept falling off the sink.

Monday….Greg, Tuesday…Ian, Wednesday….Greg….. Thursday…..Ian, Friday Greg, Saturday… Ian, Sunday…..Greg…… me using the Gregorian Calendar

****Breaking News*****
The inventor of the grenade boomerang has just died.

To all men, if you take your girl to a Chinese restaurant, whatever they order will let you know the outcome of the date. If she orders WON TON, it means NOT NOW!!!

“Owww! I broke my big toe!”
“Do you need an ambulance?”
“No, just call a toe truck.”

I remember when boy scouts would go around fixing car horns on everybody's vehicles. They stayed true to their motto, 'Beep Repaired'.

What did the skeleton say before it ate?
"Bone-appetit."

Girl - -Do your socks have holes in them?- Boy - -No- Girl - -Then how did you get your feet in?-

Induction: The act of inserting ducks.
Deduction: The act of removing ducks.

What’s grey and can’t fly? A parking lot.

Wife: Honey I’m pregnant.
Me: Well… what do we do now?
Wife: I guess we should go to a baby doctor.
Me: Hm... I think I’d be a lot more comfortable going to an adult doctor.

What group of people never get angry?
The nomads.

When a left-hander writes with his left hand, does his left hand become his write hand. I say yes. Even though I am left-handed, am I right?

COP PULLS OVER A DRUNK DRIVER and says: The answer to this question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?!

What do donkeys on Blackpool beach get for lunch !!!!!
Half an hour like everyone else...

This morning I made a Belgian waffle. Later, in the afternoon I made a Frenchman hesitate.

I was sitting in traffic the other day...
Probably why I got run over.

Inventor of pocket calculator dies at age of 9 × 9.

T- shirt is the abbreviation of Tyrannosaurus shirt.
You know. Because of the short arms.

How does a mouse save another mouse from drowning ? With mouse-to-mouse resuscitation .

I went to the barbers to get my hair cut, the barber said would you like it cut around the back, i said no, here in the salon is fine.

I saw a sign in a shop window that said, 'Watch batteries fitted £5.50.'
I thought, "Why would anyone pay to see that?

One cardiologist said his success seemed to be in the cards!

I went to view a house on a Native American reservation:
"I like it" I said, "does it come with running water?"
He said, "No, get your own wife."

I dont know what just happened at the check-in desk, the woman said "window or aisle" i replied "window or you'll what?"

What has 5 fingers, but isn't your hand?
My hand.

What do you call an alligator with a law degree?
A litigator

Why didn't Edward return to America?
He was Snowden.

I THOUGHT I WAS LOSING IT 🥴 how come?! I've got nothing to lose...

What's yellow and goes bzzzzz? An electric lemon.

I tried to date a 16 year old girl but I couldn't
Why?
Coz she smelled like teen spirit ...

My doctor told me to drink two glasses of red wine after a hot bath but I can't even finish drinking the hot bath.

One of astronauts first missions was to watch the Earth rotate from space. After 24 hours they got bored & called it a day.