Get a Chuckle from Our Collection of Lazy Jokes.

How do you stop a lazy useless piece of shit?
I'll let you know tomorrow.

Facts About Lazy People #389479305784
You were too lazy to read that number...

Lazy people find the most strangest reasons not to do something.
I would make a list but, it's Monday and I just fed the cats.

My wife is leaving me because I'm too lazy. "Pack your bags and go," she said..
"You pack them." I replied.

People work really hard to invent things to increase laziness.

Ironically lazy people tend to accomplish things faster because they search for the easiest ways to do the things.

Lazy rule: Can't reach it? Don't need it.

Lazy people accomplish more. Their laziness actually enables them to find the easiest quickest ways to get things done.

I’m not lazy. I’m just highly motivated to do nothing.

Lazy people fact #5761684381:
You were too lazy to read that number.

IF THERE IS A STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN, I HOPE IT'S AN ESCALATOR.

Tips on how to be lazy:
1.

There’s no excuse for laziness... but if you find one, let me know.

My laziness is like the number 8.
Once it lies down, it becomes infinite.

If laziness was an Olympic sport.

Id come in fourth so I wouldnt have to walk up to the podium.

Not saying my wife’s lazy but we haven’t had a clean plate in the house since the dog died.

I should do something today, but I didn't finish doing the nothing I was doing yesterday.

Lazy people like me go to Heaven, or they send someone to pick us up?

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

I had a bit of a lazy day sitting in my underwear looking for jobs online.
My boss was furious.

Ambition a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

If laziness was a sport, I would win first. Except I would have to send someone to accept my medal.

If I was rich, I'd do nothing all day from a much nicer couch.

I'm not interesting...
I'm into resting.

Which is the
laziest tissue
in the world?
A nap-kin.

Lazy Rule 47: If you spill water, it will eventually dry.

I'm super lazy today.

Which is like normal lazy but I'm also wearing a cape.

I've deviced a new labour saving idea. It's called Tomorrow!

Wife: "What are you doing?"
Me; "Nothing."
Wife; "You did that yesterday."
Me; "Well, I haven't finished."

The trouble with doing nothing is...you can't stop to rest.

I'm not lazy, I'm just highly motivated not to do anything.

Organized people are just too lazy to look for things.

If laziness was an Olympic sport, I'd probably come in fourth so I wouldn't need to walk up to the podium.

You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.

If I had a pound for every time someone called me lazy.
I'd have enough money to not need a job.

If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.

People from the neighborhood were complaining that their mailman was being super lazy.
He was making all the babies, but the doctor was doing all of the deliveries.

Lazy people find the most strangest reasons not to do something.
I would make a list but, it's Monday and I just fed the cats.

Somebody said today that I'm lazy.
I nearly answered him.

Hey Sue, what do you say to a nice walk? - Oh Harry, that would be lovely! - Wonderful. Could you bring me some beer and cigarettes on your way back?

When I was married, I walked into my living room with a sheep under my arm... My lazy asss wife was sitting on the couch watching TV... I said “This is the pig that I f*ck when you’re not around...” She said “That’s not a pig, assshole, that’s a sheep...” I said “I was talking to the sheep...”:

What do you call a country full of lazy people?
A procrastination.

Lazy is a very strong word!
I prefer to call it Selective Participation.

How do you stop a lazy useless piece of shit?
I'll let you know tomorrow.

Facts About Lazy People #389479305784
You were too lazy to read that number...

I'm super lazy today....
Which is like normal lazy but I'm also wearing a cape.

What did the lazy dentist say to his patient with crooked teeth?
Brace yourself.

Just been shopping with the wife, and out of the nowhere she shouted "YOU ARE SO BLOODY LAZY"
I was so surprised I almost fell out of the trolley!

I don't hate lazy people anymore.
Found someone else who does it for me.

I figured out why lazy people are going to love self-driving cars.
It's because they have no drive.

Say what you will about Americans being fat and lazy...
but active shooters are always determined, dedicated, and in shape.

My lazy neighbor is retiring and joining a nudist colony...
...he said he just wanted a place where he could hang out.

At school the other kids used to push me around and call me lazy.
I loved that wheelchair.

If I had to describe myself in 3 words.
lazy.