Hilarious Monday Jokes to Kick Off Your Week with Laughter.

I was showing my doctor the rash on my bum today. He seemed pretty uncomfortable and didn’t want to look at it, he just told me to make an appointment at the surgery on Monday and walked off pushing his shopping trolley with his wife.

My gf and I were arguing about who has better self control. "Clearly me," she says, "For example. I put a candy bar on my desk on Monday and it hasn't moved an inch"
"That's nothing!" I said
. "All six times I ate it I put a new candy bar on your desk exactly where you left it."

Blue Monday? Why’d they name Monday after my balls?

The man who owned Odeon cinemas has died.
His funeral is on Monday @ 2:10, 4:20 & 8:40.

My gf and I were arguing about who has better self control. "Clearly me," she says, "For example. I put a candy bar on my desk on Monday and it hasn't moved an inch"
"That's nothing!" I said
. "All six times I ate it I put a new candy bar on your desk exactly where you left it."

Blue Monday? Why’d they name Monday after my balls?

What did the cashew say on Monday morning? Monday always drives me nuts!

My doctor put me on a strict vegan diet, but every Monday I’m allowed a cheat day.
So I nip out and fuck his wife.

Q: What is the difference between a sofa and a boyfriend watching Monday Night Football?
A: The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.

Had a nice, relaxing weekend. I now have ample energy to hate Monday and most of Tuesday.

On Monday we start Diarrhea Awareness Week.
Runs until Friday.

I was showing my doctor the rash on my bum today. He seemed pretty uncomfortable and didn’t want to look at it, he just told me to make an appointment at the surgery on Monday and walked off pushing his shopping trolley with his wife.

Lazy people find the most strangest reasons not to do something.
I would make a list but, it's Monday and I just fed the cats.

I love Cyber Monday deals. Got a PS5 for my son. Best trade I ever made.

The man who owned Odeon cinemas has died.
His funeral is on Monday @ 2:10, 4:20 & 8:40.

Sunday and Monday are in a fight.
Who wins??
Sunday!
Because Monday is a weekday. 😉

A guy goes to the pharmacist and says, "Listen, these two girls are coming over this weekend, and they are hot, very hot. Would you have something to get me going all night? It's going to be a hell of a party."
The pharmacist goes in the back room, comes back with an old small bottle and says, "This stuff is potent: drink only one ounce of it, and I guarantee that you will be doing the wild thing all night. Let me know how it goes."
The weekend goes by and on Monday morning, the pharmacist goes to work and finds the same guy waiting for him on the door-step. The pharmacist says, "What are you doing here so early? How was your weekend?" The guy replies, "Quick, I need Blue Ice (muscle pain relief).
The pharmacist, knowing what the guy had been doing all weekend, says, "Are you crazy, you can't put that on your penis. The skin is way too sensitive."
The guy says, "No, no, It's not for that, it's for my arm."
Pharmacist: "What?? What happened?"
Guy replies, "Well...I drank the whole bottle of your potion."
Pharmacist: "Oh my god, and then what ? "
"The girls never showed up!"

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated by check. "I know you need to make sure the check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."
"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"