Age Jokes - Hilarious Jokes About Getting Older.

Baruch's Rule for Determining Old Age: Old age is always fifteen years older than I am.

Hacker's Law: The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir a nation or an organization to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions.
Hacker's Law of Personnel: Anyone having supervisory responsibility for the completion of a task will invariably protest that more resources are needed.
Hagerty's Law: If you lose your temper at a newspaper columnist, he'll get rich or famous or both.
Haldane's Law: The Universe is not only queerer than we imagine, it is queerer than we CAN imagine.
Hale's Rule: The sumptuousnss of a company's annual report is in inverse proportion to its profitability that year.
Hall's Law: There is a statistical correlation between the number of initials in an Englishman's name and his social class (the upper class having significantly more than three names, while members of the lower class average 2.6).
Halpern's Observation: That tendency to err that programmers have been noticed to share with other human beings has often been treated as if it were an awkwardness attendant upon programming's adolescence, which like acne would disappear with the craft's coming of age. It has proved otherwise.
Harden's Law: Every time you come up with a terrific idea, you find that someone else thought of it first.
Hardin's Law: You can never do merely one thing.
Harper's Magazine's Law: You never find an article until you replace it.
Harris's Lament: All the good ones are taken.
Harris's Law: Any philosophy that can be put "in a nutshell" belongs there.
Harris's Restaurant Paradox: One of the greatest unsolved riddles of restaurant eating is that the customer usually gets faster service when the retaurant is crowded than when it is half empty; it seems that the less the staff has to do, the slower they do it.
Harrison's Postulate: For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Hartig's How Is Good Old Bill? We're Divorced Law: If there is a wrong thing to say, one will.
Hartig's Sleeve in the Cup, Thumb in the Butter Law: When one is trying to be elegant and sophisticated, one won't.
Hartley's Law: You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float on his back you've got something.
Hartley's Second Law: Never go to bed with anybody crazier than you are.
Hartman's Automotive Laws:
Nothing minor ever happens to a car on the weekend.
Nothing minor ever happens to a car on a trip.
Nothing minor ever happens to a car.
Hart's Law: In a country as big as the United States, you can find fifty examples of anything.
Harver's Law: A drunken man's words are a sober man's thoughts.
Hawkin's Theory of Progress: Progress does not consist of replacing a theory that is wrong with one that is right. It consists of replacing a theory that is wrong with one that is more subtly wrong.
Hein's Law: Problems worthy of attack prove their worth by hitting back.
Heller's Myths of Management: The first myth of management is that it exists. The second myth of management is that success equals skill.
Corollary (Johnson): Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within your organization.
Hellrung's Law: If you wait, it will go away. (Shevelson's Extension: ... having done its damage.) [Grelb's Addition: ... if it was bad, it will be back.]
Hendrickson's Law: If a problem causes many meetings, the meetings eventually become more important than the problem.
Herblock's Law: If it's good, they'll stop making it.
Herrnstein's Law: The total attention paid to an instructor is a constant regardless of the size of the class.
Hersh's Law: Biochemistry expands to fill the space and time available for its completion and publication.
Hildebrand's Law: The quality of a department is inversely proportional to the number of courses it lists in its catalogue.
Historian's Rule: Any event, once it has occurred, can be made to appear inevitable by a competent historian.
Hoare's Law of Large Programs: Inside every large program is a small program struggling to get out.
Hogg's Law of Station Wagons: The amount of junk is in direct proportion to the amount of space available.
Baggage Corollary: If you go on a trip taking two bags with you, one containing everything you need for the trip and the other containing absolutely nothing, the second bag will be completely filled with junk acquired on the trip when you return.
Horner's Five Thumb Postulate: Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.
Horngren's Observation: (generalized) The real world is a special case.
Horowitz's Rule: A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years.
Howard's First Law of Theater: Use it.
Howe's Law: Every man has a scheme that will not work.
Hull's Theorem: The combined pull of several patrons is the sum of their separate pulls multiplied by the number of patrons.
Hull's Warning: Never insult an alligator until after you have crossed the river.

Madison's Question: If you have to travel on a Titanic, why not go first-class?
Rev. Mahaffy's Observation: There's no such thing as a large whiskey.
Maier's Law: If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of. Corollaries:
The bigger the theory, the better.
The experiment may be considered a success if no more than 50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to obtain a correspondence with the theory. (Compensation Corollary)
Malek's Law: Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.
Malinowski's Law: Looking from far above, from our high places of safety in the developed civilization, it is easy to see all the crudity and irrelevance of magic.
Malloy's Maxim: The fact that monkeys have hands should give us pause.
The first Myth of Management: It exists.
Truths of Management:
Think before you act; it's not your money.
All good management is the expression of one great idea.
No executive devotes effort to proving himself wrong.
Cash in must exceed cash out.
Management capability is always less than the organization actually needs.
Either an executive can do his job or he can't.
If sophisticated calculations are needed to justify an action, don't do it.
If you are doing something wrong, you will do it badly.
If you are attempting the impossible, you will fail.
The easiest way of making money is to stop losing it.
Truth 5.1 of Management: Organizations always have too many managers.
Manly's Maxim: Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
Marshall's Generalized Iceberg Theorem: Seven-eighths of everything can't be seen.
Marshall's Universal Laws of Perpetual Perceptual Obfuscation:
Nobody perceives anything with total accuracy.
No two people perceive the same thing identically.
Few perceive what difference it makes -- or care.
Martha's Maxim (and see Olum's Observation and Farrow's Finding): If God had meant for us to travel tourist class, He would have made us narrower.
Dean Martin's Definition of Drunkenness: You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
Martin-Berthelot Principle: Of all possible committee reactions to any given agenda item, the reaction that will occur is the one which will liberate the greatest amount of hot air.
Martin's Laws of Academia:
The faculty expands its activity to fit whatever space is available, so that more space is always required.
Faculty purchases of equipment and supplies always increase to match the funds available, so these funds are never adequate.
The professional quality of the faculty tends to be inversely proportional to the importance it attaches to space and equipment.
Martin's Law of Committees: All committee reports conclude that "it is not prudent to change the policy (or procedure, or organization, or whatever) at this time." Martin's Exclusion: Committee reports dealing with wages, salaries, fringe benefits, facilities, computers, employee parking, libraries, coffee breaks, secretarial support, etc., always call for dramatic expenditure increases.
Martin's Law of Communication: The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communication between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased area of misunderstanding.
Martin's Minimax Maxim: Everyone knows that the name of the game is to let the other guy have all of the little tats and to keep all of the big tits for yourself.
Matsch's Law: It is better to have a horrible ending than to have horrors without end.
Matsch's Maxim: A fool in a high station is like a man on the top of a small mountain: everything appears small to him and he appears small to everybody.
Matz's warning: Beware of the physician who is great at getting out of trouble.
Maugham's Thought: Only a mediocre person is always at his best.
May's Law: The quality of the correlation is inversely proportional to the density of the control (the fewer the facts, the smoother the curves).
May's Mordant Maxim: A university is a place where men of principle outnumber men of honor.
McCarthy's Law: Being in politics is like being a football coach. You have to be smart enough to understand the game and dumb enough to think it's important.
McClaughry's Law of Public Policy: Politicians who vote huge expenditures to alleviate problems get re-elected; those who propose structural changes to prevent problems get early retirement.
McClaughry's Law of Zoning: Where zoning is not needed, it will work perfectly; where it is desperately needed, it always breaks down.
McDonald's Second Law: Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number and give it back to them.
McGoon's Law: The probability of winning is inversely proportional to the amount of the wager.
McGovern's Law: The longer the title, the less important the job.
McGurk's Law: Any improbable event which would create maximum confusion if it did occur, will occur.
McKenna's Law: When you are right, be logical. When you are wrong, be-fuddle.
McLaughlin's Law (and see Parson's Third Law): The length of any meeting is inversely proportional to the length of the agenda for that meeting.
McLean's Maxim: There are only two problems with people. One is that they don't think. The other is that they do.
McNaughton's Rule: Any argument worth making within the bureaucracy must be capable of being expressed in a simple declarative sentence that is obviously true once stated.
Margaret Mead's Law of Human Migration: At least fifty percent of the human race doesn't want their mother-in-law within walking distance.
Melcher's Law: In a bureaucracy, every routing slip will expand until it contains the maximum number of names that can be typed in a single vertical column.
H. L. Mencken's Law: Those who can -- do. Those who cannot -- teach. Those who cannot teach -- administrate. (Martin's Extension)
Mencken's Metalaw: For every human problem, there is a neat, simple solution; and it is always wrong.
Merkin's Maxim: When in doubt, predict that the present trend will continue.
Merrill's First Corollary: There are no winners in life; only survivors.
Merrill's Second Corollary: In the highway of life, the average happening is of about as much true significance as a dead skunk in the middle of the road.
Meskimen's Laws: 1) When they want it bad (in a rush), they get it bad. 2) There's never time to do it right, but always time to do it over.
Michehl's Theorem: Less is more.
Pastore's Comment on Michehl's Theorem: Nothing is ultimate.
Mickelson's Law of Falling Objects: Any object that is accidentally dropped will hide under a larger object.
Miksch's Law: If a string has one end, then it has another end.
Miller's Law: You can't tell how deep a puddle is until you step into it.
Mills's Law of Transportation Logistics: The distance to the gate from which your flight departs is inversely proportional to the time remaining before the scheduled departure of the flight. Corollaries (Woods): 1) This remains true even as you rush to catch the flight. 2) From this it follows that you are invariably rushing the wrong way.
MIST Law (Man In The Street): The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.
Mobil's Maxim: Bad regulation begets worse regulation.
Moer's Truism: The trouble with most jobs is the resemblance to being in a sled dog team. No one gets a change of scenery, except the lead dog.
Money Maxim: Money isn't everything. (It isn't plentiful, for instance.)
Montagu's Maxim: The idea is to die young as late as possible.
Morley's Conclusion: No man is lonely while eating spaghetti.
Morton's Law: If rats are experimented upon, they will develop cancer. ("What this country needs are some stronger white rats.")
Mosher's Law: It's better to retire too soon than too late.
Munnecke's Law: If you don't say it, they can't repeat it.

Lying about my age is easier now that I have trouble remembering what it is.

Technically, you can't date someone half your age till you're 36 years old.

Didn't realise 35 is the max age someone can be circumcised. Apparently that's the cut off age!

What's a good age to tell your Pet, he was adopted?

An 80-year-old man went to the doctor for a general check-up.
The doctor was shocked to see his health and asked him:
'What is the secret of your good health ....?'
The old man answered:
— 'I get up before the sun rises and go out for cycling and then come and drink two glasses of wine!
Maybe this is the secret of my health. '
Doctor:
— 'Okay, but can I ask you how old was your father when he died ...?'
— 'My father died ...?
Who told you that he died???’
Doctor (surprised): —'You mean that you are 80 years old and your father is still alive ...? So how old is he now ....? '
— 'He is 102 years old and cycled with me this morning and then took two glasses of wine'
Doctor:
—‘This is very good. This means that the long life is in your family's genes.
So how old was your grandfather when he died….?’
—‘Hey why are you killing my grandfather now ...?'
Doctor (puzzled):
—'You mean that you are 80 years old and your grandfather is still alive very much!
What is his age .....? '
— 'Yes, he is 123 years old.'
—‘I think he too must have cycled with you this morning and taken wine too .....?'
Take a cold breath! —‘No, Grandpa could not go this morning,
because He is getting married today.’
Doctor (on the verge of going mad):
—‘What do you mean marriage .....? Why would he want to get married at the age of 123…?’
— 'Who said he wanted to get married ....? He had to be forced.’
— 'But why ........’ shouted the Doctor!!
— 'Girl is pregnant, that's why!'
The doctor has been cycling regularly and drinking wine ever since......
The clinic is closed.

The Manchester United team visited an orphanage today.
"It's heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope," said Johnny, age 6.

My father was never proud of me. One day he asked me, "How old are you." I said, "I'm five." He said, "When I was your age I was six."

Do you know how weird it is to be the same age as OLD people??

A 92 year old man is walking through a park and sees a talking frog. He picks up the frog and the frogs says, “If you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful princess and be yours for a week.” The old man puts the frog in his pocket. The frog screams, “Hey if you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful princess and make love to you for a whole month.” The old man looks at the frog and says, “At my age I’d rather have a talking frog.”

Old age is when the gleam in your eyes is just the sun shining on your bifocals.

I hate it when people say age is only a number.

Age is clearly a word. 😎