Age Jokes - Hilarious Jokes About Getting Older.

That awkward moment when you're having sex with a German girl and she keeps yelling "Nine!"
Like, are you just yelling your age or are ten of us too many?

It's probably my age that tricks people into thinking I'm an adult.

Panic Instruction: When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
Paperboy's rule of Weather: No matter how clear the skies are, a thunderstorm will move in 5 minutes after the papers are delivered.
Paradox of Selective Equality: All things being equal, all things are never equal.
Pardo's Postulates:
Anything good is either illegal, immoral, or fattening.
The three faithful things in life are money, a dog, and an old woman.
Don't care if you're rich or not, as long as you live comfortably and can have everything you want.
Pareto's Law (The 20/80 Law): 20% of the customers account for 80% of the turnover, 20% of the components account for 80% of the cost, and so forth.
Parker's Rule of Parliamentary Procedure: A motion to adjourn is always in order.
Parker's Law of Political Statements: The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility, and vice versa.
Parker's Third Rule of Tech Support: If you can't navigate a one-level, five-item phone tree, you didn't need a computer anyway.
Parkin's Law of Irritation: Anything that happens enough times to irritate you will happen at least once more.
Parkinson's Axioms:
An official wants to multiply subordinates, not rivals.
Officials make work for each other.
Parkinson's First Law: Work expands to fill the time available for its completion; the thing to be done swells in perceived importance and complexity in a direct ratio with the time to be spent in its completion.
Parkinson's Second Law: Expenditures rise to meet income.
Parkinson's Third Law: Expansion means complexity; and complexity decay.
Parkinson's Fourth Law: The number of people in any working group tends to increase regardless of the amount of work to be done.
Parkinson's Fifth Law: If there is a way to delay an important decision the good bureaucracy, public or private, will find it.
Parkinson's Sixth Law: The progress of science varies inversely with the number of journals published.
Parkinson's Law of Delay: Delay is the deadliest form of denial.
Parkinson's Law of Medical Research: Successful research attracts the bigger grant which makes further research impossible.
Parkinson's Law of the Telephone: The effectiveness of a telephone conversation is in inverse proportion to the time spent on it.
Parkinson's Law of 1000: An enterprise employing more than 1000 people becomes a self-perpetuating empire, creating so much internal work that it no longer needs any contact with the outside world.
Parkinson's Principle of Non-Origination: It is the essence of grantsmanship to persuade the Foundation executives that it was THEY who suggested the research project and that you were a belated convert, agreeing reluctantly to all they had proposed.
Mrs. Parkinson's Law: Heat produced by pressure expands to fill the mind available, from which it can pass only to a cooler mind.
Parson's Laws:
If you break a cup or plate, it will not be the one that was already chipped or cracked.
A place you want to get to is always just off the edge of the map you happen to have handy.
A meeting lasts at least 1 1/2 hours however short the agenda.
Dolly Parton's Principle: The bigger they are, the harder it is to see your shoes.
Pastore's Truths:
Even paranoids have enemies.
This job is marginally better than daytime TV.
On alcohol: four is one more than more than enough.
Patricks's Theorem: If the experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment.
Patton's Law: A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow.
Paturi Principle: Success is the result of behavior that completely contradicts the usual expectations about the behavior of a successful person.
Corollary: The amount of success is in inverse proportion to the effort involved in attaining it.
Paul Principle: People become progressively less competent for jobs they once were well equipped to handle.
Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor.
Paulg's Law: In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you save.
Peck's Programming Postulates (Philosophic Engineering applied to programming):
In any program, any error which can creep in will eventually do so.
Not until the program has been in production for at least six months will the most harmful error be discovered.
Any constants, limits, or timing formulas that appear in the computer manufacturer's literature should be treated as variables.
The most vital parameter in any subroutine stands the greatest chance of being left out of the calling sequence.
If only one compiler can be secured for a piece of hardware, the compilation times will be exorbitant.
If a test installation functions perfectly, all subsequent systems will malfunction.
Job control cards that positively cannot be arranged in improper order, will be.
Interchangeable tapes won't.
If more than one person has programmed a malfunctioning routine, no one is at fault.
If the input editor has been designed to reject all bad input, an ingenious idiot will discover a method to get bad data past it.
Duplicated object decks which test in identical fashion will not give identical results at remote sites.
Manufacturer's hardware and software support ceases with payment for the computer.
Peckham's Law (Beckhap's Law?): Beauty times brains equals a constant.
Peers's Law: The solution to a problem changes the problem.
Captain Penny's Law: You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you can't fool MOM.
Perelman's Point: There is nothing like a good painstaking survey full of decimal points and guarded generalizations to put a glaze like a Sung vase on your eyeball.
Perkin's postulate: The bigger they are, the harder they hit.
Perlsweig's Law: People who can least afford to pay rent, pay rent. People who can most afford to pay rent, build up equity.
Persig's Postulate: The number of rational hypotheses that can explain any given phenomenon is infinite.
Law of the Perversity of Nature: You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.
Peter Principle: In every hierarchy, whether it be government or business, each employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence; every post tends to be filled by an employee incompetent to execute its duties. Corollaries:
Incompetence knows no barriers of time or place.
Work is accomplished by those employees who have not yet reached their level of incompetence.
If at first you don't succeed, try something else.
Peter's Hidden Postulate According to Godin: Every employee begins at his level of competence.
Peter's Inversion: Internal consistency is valued more highly than efficiency.
Peter's Law of Evolution: Competence always contains the seed of incompetence.
Peter's Law of Substitution: Look after the molehills and the mountains will look after themselves.
Peter's Observation: Super-competence is more objectionable than incompetence.
Peter's Paradox: Employees in a hierarchy do not really object to incompetence in their colleagues.
Peter's Perfect People Palliative: Each of us is a mixture of good qualities and some (perhaps) not-so-good qualities. In considering our fellow people we should remember their good qualities and realize that their faults only prove that they are, after all, human. We should refrain from making harsh judgments of people just because they happen to be dirty, rotten, no-good sons-of-bitches.
Peter's Placebo: An ounce of image is worth a pound of performance. Peter's Prognosis: Spend sufficient time in confirming the need and the need will disappear.
Peter's Rule for Creative Incompetence: Create the impression that you have already reached your level of incompetence.
Peter's Theorem: Incompetence plus incompetence equals incompetence.
Peterson's Law: History shows that money will multiply in volume and divide in value over the long run. Or, expressed differently, the purchasing power of currency will vary inversely with the magnitude of the public debt.
Phases of a Project:
Exultation.
Disenchantment.
Confusion.
Search for the Guilty.
Punishment of the Innocent.
Distinction for the Uninvolved.
Phelps's Laws of Renovation:
Any renovation project on an old house will cost twice as much and take three times as long as originally estimated.
Any plumbing pipes you choose to replace during renovation will prove to be in excellent condition; those you decide to leave in place will be rotten.
Phelps's Law of Retributive Statistics: An unexpectedly easy-to-handle sequence of events will be immediately followed by an equally long sequence of trouble.
Theory of the International Society of Philosophic Engineering:
In any calculation, any error which can creep in will do so.
Any error in any calculation will be in the direction of most harm.
In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from engineering handbooks) are to be treated as variables.
The best approximation of service conditions in the laboratory will not begin to meet those conditions encountered in actual service.
The most vital dimension on any plan or drawing stands the greatest chance of being omitted.
If only one bid can be secured on any project, the price will be unreasonable.
If a test installation functions perfectly, all subsequent production units will malfunction.
All delivery promises must be multiplied by a factor of 2.0.
Major changes in construction will always be requested after fabrication is nearly completed.
Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be.
Interchangeable parts won't.
Manufacturer's specifications of performance should be multiplied by a factor of 0.5.
Salespeople's claims for performance should be multiplied by a factor of 0.25.
Installation and Operating Instructions shipped with the device will be promptly discarded by the Receiving Department.
Any device requiring service or adjustment will be least accessible.
Service Conditions as given on specifications will be exceeded.
If more than one person is responsible for a miscalculation, no one will be at fault.
Identical units which test in an identical fashion will not behave in an identical fashion in the field.
If, in engineering practice, a safety factor is set through service experience at an ultimate value, an ingenious idiot will promptly calculate a method to exceed said safety factor.
Warranty and guarantee clauses are voided by payment of the invoice.
Phone Booth Rule: A lone dime always gets the number nearly right.
Pierson's Law: If you're coasting, you're going downhill.
Pike Law of Punditry: The successful pundit is provided more opportunities to say things than he has things worth saying.
Axiom of the Pipe. (Trischmann's Paradox): A pipe gives a wise man time to think and a fool something to stick in his mouth.
Plotnick's Law: The time of departure will be delayed by the square of the number of people involved.
Law of Political Erosion: Once the erosion of power begins, it has a momentum all its own.
Politicians' Rules:
When the polls are in your favor, flaunt them.
When the polls are overwhelmingly unfavorable, either (a) ridicule and dismiss them or (b) stress the volatility of public opinion.
When the polls are slightly unfavorable, play for sympathy as a struggling underdog.
When too close to call, be surprised at your own strength.
The Pollyanna Paradox: Every day, in every way, things get better and better; then worse again in the evening.
Potter's Law: The amount of flak received on any subject is inversely proportional to the subject's true value.
Poulsen's Law: When anything is used to its full potential, it will break.
Pournelle's Law of Costs and Schedules: Everything costs more and takes longer.
Powell's Law: Never tell them what you wouldn't do.
Law of Predictive Action: The second most powerful phrase in the world is "Watch this!" The most powerful phrase is "Oh yeah? Watch this!"
Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning: It's on the other side.
Price's Law of Politics: It's easier to be a liberal a long way from home.
Price's Law of Science: Scientists who dislike the restraints of highly organized research like to remark that a truly great research worker needs only three pieces of equipment -- a pencil, a piece of paper, and a brain. But they quote this maxim more often at academic banquets than at budget hearings.
The Principle Concerning Multifunctional Devices: The fewer functions any device is required to perform, the more perfectly it can perform those functions.
Law of Probable Dispersal: Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. (also known as the How Come It All Landed On Me Law)
Laws of Procrastination:
Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility for its termination on someone else (the authority who imposed the deadline).
It reduces anxiety by reducing the expected quality of the project from the best of all possible efforts to the best that can be expected given the limited time.
Status is gained in the eyes of others, and in one's own eyes, because it is assumed that the importance of the work justifies the stress.
Avoidance of interruptions including the assignment of other duties can be achieved, so that the obviously stressed worker can concentrate on the single effort.
Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that there is nothing important to do.
It may eliminate the job if the need passes before the job can be done.
Productivity Equation: The productivity, P, of a group of people is: P = N x T x (.55 - .00005 x N x (N - 1) ) where N is the number of people in the group and T is the number of hours in a work period.
Professional's Law: Doctors, dentists, and lawyers are only on time for appointments when you're not.
Project scheduling "99" rule: The first 90 percent of the task takes 90 percent of the time. The last 10 percent takes the other 90 percent.
Proverbial Law: For every proverb that so confidently asserts its little bit of wisdom, there is usually an equal and opposite proverb that contradicts it.
Public Relations Client Turnover Law: The minute you sign a client is the minute you start to lose him.
First Rule of Public Speaking: Nice guys finish fast.
Pudder's Law: Anything that begins well ends badly. Anything that begins badly ends worse.
Puritan's Law: Evil is live spelled backwards.
Corollary: If it feels good, don't do it.
Putney's Law: If the people of a democracy are allowed to do so, they will vote away the freedoms which are essential to that democracy.
Putt's Law: Technology is dominated by two types of people -- those who understand what they do not manage, and those who manage what they do not understand.

McLaughlin's Law (and see Parson's Third Law): The length of any meeting is inversely proportional to the length of the agenda for that meeting.

Technically, you can't date someone half your age till you're 36 years old.

Didn't realise 35 is the max age someone can be circumcised. Apparently that's the cut off age!

What's a good age to tell your Pet, he was adopted?

An 80-year-old man went to the doctor for a general check-up.
The doctor was shocked to see his health and asked him:
'What is the secret of your good health ....?'
The old man answered:
— 'I get up before the sun rises and go out for cycling and then come and drink two glasses of wine!
Maybe this is the secret of my health. '
Doctor:
— 'Okay, but can I ask you how old was your father when he died ...?'
— 'My father died ...?
Who told you that he died???’
Doctor (surprised): —'You mean that you are 80 years old and your father is still alive ...? So how old is he now ....? '
— 'He is 102 years old and cycled with me this morning and then took two glasses of wine'
Doctor:
—‘This is very good. This means that the long life is in your family's genes.
So how old was your grandfather when he died….?’
—‘Hey why are you killing my grandfather now ...?'
Doctor (puzzled):
—'You mean that you are 80 years old and your grandfather is still alive very much!
What is his age .....? '
— 'Yes, he is 123 years old.'
—‘I think he too must have cycled with you this morning and taken wine too .....?'
Take a cold breath! —‘No, Grandpa could not go this morning,
because He is getting married today.’
Doctor (on the verge of going mad):
—‘What do you mean marriage .....? Why would he want to get married at the age of 123…?’
— 'Who said he wanted to get married ....? He had to be forced.’
— 'But why ........’ shouted the Doctor!!
— 'Girl is pregnant, that's why!'
The doctor has been cycling regularly and drinking wine ever since......
The clinic is closed.

The Manchester United team visited an orphanage today.
"It's heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope," said Johnny, age 6.

My father was never proud of me. One day he asked me, "How old are you." I said, "I'm five." He said, "When I was your age I was six."

Do you know how weird it is to be the same age as OLD people??

A 92 year old man is walking through a park and sees a talking frog. He picks up the frog and the frogs says, “If you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful princess and be yours for a week.” The old man puts the frog in his pocket. The frog screams, “Hey if you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful princess and make love to you for a whole month.” The old man looks at the frog and says, “At my age I’d rather have a talking frog.”

Old age is when the gleam in your eyes is just the sun shining on your bifocals.

I hate it when people say age is only a number.

Age is clearly a word. 😎