Embrace the Dark Side of Humor.
"I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens."
- Woody Allen
Laughing in the Face of Death: Our Morbidly Hilarious Jokes!
My Korean friend died last week
Old statisticians never die, they just get broken down by age and sex.
The Grim Reaper went to the eye doctor.
He’s having issues with his death perception.
Old cashiers never die, they just check out.
Wrote a book about the Black Death.
Accused of plaguerism.
So the inventor of the Morse code has sadly passed away.
Dashes to dashes dots to dots.
The death of an
electrician in my
has sparked concerns.
Imagine marrying an old man for money and you die first.
My vascular surgeon passed away.
At least he didn't die in vein.
Old statisticians never die, they just become nonsigniﬁcant.
Death Jokes: Where Laughter Defies the Grim Reaper!
A bus full of housewives going on a picnic ,fell into a river ,all died .
Each husband cried for a week ,one husband continued for more than two weeks !!!
When asked that did he miss his wife so much ?
he replied miserably :
No. My wife missed the bus !!!
For the record, red wine and fish definitely don’t go well together.
In fact, mine died.
My grief counsellor died yesterday.
He was so good, I didn't give a $hit.
I'm not afraid to die...
I just don't want to be there when it happens...
You're more likely to be killed by a vending machine related accident than to win the lottery.
He died doing what he loved, waking me up from a nap.
People are making terrible jokes about Meatloafs death.....
But I won't do that!
Life is just charging your phone over and over until you die.
As a funeral director, I tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.
Because if there was ever a zombie apocalypse, it would be hilarious.
Co-worker: I just got offered a job working with 500 people under me!
Me: oh really! Wow, doing what?
Co-worker: cutting grass at a grave yard!
Unleash Your Dark Humor with our Killer Death Jokes!
Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die. – Albert King
My dad died in the middle of eating KFC. The worst part was when he kicked the bucket.
Let me be clear, I don't want to die alone. However I want to be left completely alone until that moment.
My dad is so cheap that when he dies, he'll go towards the light and then turn it off.
We were all pretty sad at Grandad's funeral when we were told he was killed by a Tennis Ball.
Still, it was a lovely Service.
My Uncle must be the world's unluckiest magician, the day after he got a new assistant she died.
I bet he regrets trying to cut her in half, longways now.
911: what room is the body in.
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird.
You know you are into necrophilia...
when your romance
So this man once told his son that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his cornflakes every morning.
The son did this religiously every morning, and lived to be 93.
When he died, he left 6 children, 11 grandchildren, 27 great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
Not so famous final words...
1. It's fireproof.
2. He's probably just hibernating.
3. What does this button do?
4. Are you sure the power is off?
5. The odds of that happening have to be a million to one!
6. Pull the pin and count to what?
7. Which wire was I supposed to cut?
8. I wonder where the mother bear is.
9. I've seen this done on TV.
10. These are the good kind of mushrooms.
11. What duck?
12. Let it down slowly.
13. I can do that with my eyes closed.
14. I can make this light before it changes.
15. Nice doggie.
Dying of Laughter: Dive into our Death Joke Vault!
Q: How do cadavers talk to each other?
A: BODY LANGUAGE!
Life is the art of dying.
In our town the cemetery won’t bury anyone living on the west side.
They wait ‘til they die first.
Great minds all come to the same conclusion at death...
An Irish family have frozen to death outside a theatre in Dublin.
They had been queuing for five months to see “Closed For The Winter.”
My Grandad's funeral has cost us over £12,000 so far.!!
I wish we hadn't buried him in a rented suit.
I knew my marriage was over when "'til death do us part" became less of a promise and more of an objective!
My uncle who died last week chose to be vaporised instead of being buried. He will be sadly mist.
What is white, black, and red all over?
A zebra killed by a lion.
Sad news, today I attended the funeral of a friend who had been hit on the head with a tennis ball
It was a lovely service.
Death Jokes: Where Mortality Meets Hilarity!
What does a liar do after he dies?
He lies still.
If you think your job sucks, remember whenever a famous personality dies, someone at Wikipedia has to change all the verbs to past tense.
He died doing what he loved: telling me I'm overreacting.
If you’re being chased by a pack of taxidermists, do not play dead!
I've just started an online engraving course...
There's so much to learn though and so far we've hardly scratched the surface.
Dave got fired from his job for asking the customers “smoking” or “non smoking.” Apparently the correct terms are “burial” or “cremation.”
I hate how funerals are always at 9am.
I'm not really a mourning person.
The Tin Man has passed away, the police are notifying his next of can. May he Rust In Peace.
I'm usually not the type to believe in conspiracy theories, but several people have asked me where I want to buried after I die.
I think it may be a plot.
When I die I want my body donated to science.
But more specifically a scientist who is working on bringing the dead back to life.
Death Jokes: Making the Afterlife a Little Less Serious!
Confucius say: Casket put in wrong hole is grave mistake.
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully We'll wait."
The electrician passed away. In his honour, they switched off all lights & mourned in deep shock.
After 37 years I’m finally ready to retire with $5,000,000 I’ve accumulated through hard work, careful saving, living a life of simple means...
...and the death of an uncle who left me $4,999,996.50.
The woman was on the verge of death she asked her seven children to leave the room, and she was left alone with her husband.
She said to him I have something to confess.
You know our 7th child, Little Joe?
He's not mine?
No, he is yours.
A farmer was on his death bed
He had three sons so he gave them each a duck and told them whoever solds his duck for most will inherit his farm.
1st son went to the market and sold the duck for 10$
2nd son also went to the market and sold his duck for 15$.
3rd son as going to the market met a girl
the girl told him if you give me your duck I will let you make love to me so he did after making love the girl was so happy she told him if he makes love to her again she will give the duck back to him,so he did but after that he got weak, then he proceeded to sell his duck while on the way a car knocked him over and the duck got killed. He got up and cleaned his clothes the car driver apologized to him and gave him 20$ for the dead duck.
All three sons went back to home and father asked them about the duck,
1st son told he sold the duck for 10$,
2nd son told he sold the duck for 15$.
So the father asked the 3rd son,
well 'said the 3rd son'
I got a fuck for a duck
Then I got a duck for a fuck and
I got 20$ for the fucked up duck.
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all. After a long life together, Frank was the first to die and, true to his word, he made the first contact:
"Kris, Kris, can you hear me?"
"Is that you, Frank?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course" I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (and Kris, you'd be proud -- lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"
"Oh, Frank! Are you in Heaven?"
"No -- I'm a rabbit somewhere in Arizona ."
Do you know the story of how the death of Pinocchio came to be?
He was masturbating and unintentionally set himself ablaze.
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection.
The judge asks her "First offender?"
She replies "No, first a Gibson, then a Fender."
Death is like being stupid.
It’s only painful for the others.
Joking about the Inevitable: Our Death Jokes Will Leave You Dying for More!
Did you hear the story of the man who was trampled to death by a wild pig...
I'd tell you, but it was a real bore.
Why shouldn't you tell your crush death-related jokes?
It kills the conversation.
When Ludwig von Beethoven died in Vienna, Austria in 1827 he was buried at the city's central graveyard.
After 3 days some people who walked by his grave notice there was a strange noise in the air. Something was wrong.
After 6 days more and more people were talking about that and it became topic in the journal, and everybody was thinking that it would be a ghost or some curse.
After 7 days the citizens decided to call the priest to check out what was going on in there.
So a big crowd went to the cemetery to see what the priest would do to find out what was happening.
When the priest standed next to Beethoven's grave he said to everyone not to talk out loud so he could listen to the misterious noise.
10 seconds passed and he talked to people:
- "Don't be afraid, women and men. This is not a ghost exactly."
- "What do you mean?!" - Said one of the men.
- "Can't you hear? It's not a noise. It's Beethoven's 5th Symphony." - Answered the priest.
- "So why is it playing now? Beethoven is dead, isn't he?"
- "Relax. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
Never challenge Death to a pillow fight
Unless you’re prepared to handle the reaper cushions.
Husband and wife are having marriage trouble. Husband is often unfaithful. One day the wife died an early death and arrives at Heavens Gate met by a past loved one.
It was her grandmother.
Wife: grandmother what must I do to get through Heavens gate?
Grandmother: it's easy honey, all you have to do is spell one word.
Wife: what is it?
After many years and multiple wives later the husband dies and arrives at Heavens Gate met by a past loved one. It was his first wife.
Husband: what must I do to get through Heavens Gate?
Wife: you must spell just one word.
Husband: what is it?
A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing God she asked "Is my time up? "
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth!
Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.
While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded,
"I thought yousaid I had another 43 years.
Why didn't you pull me fromout of the path of the ambulance?"
"I didn't recognize you!"
A man was sent to hell after his death..
As he was being led into the pits for an eternity of torment, he saw a lawyer passionately kissing a beautiful woman.
“What a joke!” he said. “I have to roast in flames for all eternity and that lawyer gets to spend it with that beautiful woman.” Satan jabbed the man with his pitchfork and snarled, “Who are you to question that woman’s punishment?”
After death what is the only organ in a womans body that is warm
What was the hardest part of my grand fathers death ?
Making it seem like an accident.
Jane and Erica are talking in heaven
"How did you die?" Jane asks Erica.
She replies, "I froze to death."
"Oh, that's terrible!" says Jane.
"It wasn't too bad, after a while you start to get a sort of peaceful feeling, just before you black out. How did you die?"
"Well," she says, "I suspected my husband was cheating so one day I came home early to catch him, but he was just watching TV. So I turned the entire house upside-down looking for another girl, and in the end I got a massive heart attack from exhaustion."
"Too bad you didnt look in the freezer," said Erica, "Or we might both still be alive."
Death Jokes: Where Laughter Lives Beyond the Grave!
I surely hope Death is a woman.
That way it never comes for me.
A father was on his death bed at home..
.. with all his family around him. He grabbed his wife by the hand and with shallow breath asked
"Is my son in the room with me?"
"Yes dad, I am here" replied the son.
"Good, and my daughter is here with me?" Asked the father, growing weaker.
"Yes dad, I am here with the kids and my husband"
"So all my family and cherished ones are with me? In this room?"
"Yes, we are all here for you dad"
"Then why the fuck is the living room light on?!" Asked the father.
As the nihilist said on his death bed..
Here goes nothing.
Dad on his death bed: Son, I have to tell you something
Son under his breath: I bet I’m adopted
Dad: You were ado...
Son: Knew it
Dad wakes up: You were adorable as a baby
Son: Awww, thats so sweet
Dad wakes up: That’s why we adopted you
What comes after death?