Laugh Out Loud with Our Collection of Crazy Jokes.

I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself.

When accountants go mad
do they start to hear invoices?

I’m mad, but not as mad as someone asking to see the rules in the middle of a monopoly game.

I heard that people who talk to themselves tend to be extremely smart. Did you know that? Yes, I did know that.

My mate's got OCD. But he's got loads of Vinyl.
Which he keeps in alphabetical order.

I called the paranoia hotline

They answered, "how did you get this number?"

A young woman went into a pet shop one morning and mumbled: “Do you sell large white bears?”
“No, I’m afraid we don’t,” said the sales assistant.
And the woman left.
The next day, she was back again, “Do you sell large white bears?” she asked.
“No I’m afraid we don’t,” said the same assistant.
And the woman left.
The next day she was back again. “Do you sell large white bears?” She asked.
“No we don’t,” said the assistant. “And this is the third day you’ve come in and asked me that.”
I’m so sorry,” said the young woman, “but I can’t help it. You see, I have buy polar disorder.”

I like to sleep with the bedside lamp on. My wife says it's weird.
I don't know why, it makes a great hat.

I think I've become masochistic, although it pains me to admit it.

I love playing chess at the park with old men.
The hard part is finding 32 of them.

"Hello. This is the Paranoia Hotline. How did you get this number?"

When I was at school, the other pupils voted me: "Pupil most likely to end up in a mental institution."

They got that wrong!

Turns out I'm actually: "Only pupil who didn't die murdered or in a mysterious unexplained accident."

Why did the accountant go crazy?
He started to hear invoices in his head.

I know a guy who dipped his testicles in glitter, pretty nuts huh?

I once threw a boomerang and it didn’t come back.
I now live in constant fear.

My ears are burning that means someones talking about me.
They're probably saying something like "Why's that idiot got his head in the oven".

I often wondered what it'd be like to be married to an idiot. I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.

I’m mad, but not as mad as someone asking to see the rules in the middle of a monopoly game.

Staying home is not so bad, but it's odd that one bag of coffee has 981 beans and the next 976.

I was going to buy a book on phobias, but I was afraid it wouldn’t help me.

I just had an argument with my kettle. Things just seemed to boil over.

How does a crazy person get to the woods?

He takes the psychopath.

Man goes into the doctor’s. Says “Doc, I have terrible constipation”.
Doctor says “what are you eating?” - man replies “well, snooker balls actually”.
Doctor says “tell me more”
Man explains “I start the day with a couple of red balls for breakfast, then I eat two whites and a yellow for lunch and normally for dinner I have a selection of blue, pink, brown and black balls”
Doctor says “I see what the problem is”
Man pleads “what is it Doc?”
“You’re not getting enough greens”

Therapy helps...but screaming obscenities is faster, cheaper, safer and a whole lot more fun!

As an agnostic, dyslexic insomniac, I often lay awake wondering if there really is a Dog.

One of my biggest fears is that my car secretly records me singing.

I was walking past a building site today when a man hammering on the roof called me a paranoid weirdo.....in morse code.

Where do people with obsessive compulsive disorder live? Obsesame Street!

Sometimes I question my sanity.

Sometimes it replies.

My room mate says I'm schizophrenic, huh, the joke's on him, I don't even have a room mate.

How rude of you to listen in, when I'm talking to myself.

Q. What’s the difference between the psychiatrists and the patients at the mental hospital?
A. The patients are the ones that eventually get better and go home!

I’ve never had paranoid delusions. Somebody told me I did, but I know they’re lying.

Mental illness runs in my family. Which is sort of weird, because my parents weren’t very athletic.

I have bipolar disorder, generalized anxiety, disordered eating, and psychosis—which are more friends than I had in elementary school.

Did you hear the one about the train conductor who pled not guilty by insanity?
He had a real loco motive.

The doctors say I suffer from insanity, but they have it all wrong.
I enjoy every minute of it.

Mickey Mouse calls his lawyer, he doesn’t answer and leaves a message.

A few hours later the lawyer listens to the message and calls back Mickey

“Hey Mick listen I understand you want to divorce Minnie but in the state of California insanity is not grounds for a divorce.”

Mickey responds “ I didn’t say she was crazy I said she was fucking goofy.”

My Doctor: "Have any members of your family suffered from insanity?"
Me: " No, we all seem to enjoy it"

Insanity is hereditary.
You get it from your kids.

There are been a sharp increase in depression in Mexico since Trump got into office on the platform of building a wall between the two countries.
Leading mental health experts have said that sadly many Mexicans will never get over it.

A blonde woman goes to the doctor
She says "Doctor, I recently started talking to myself a lot and I'm worried about my mental health"

He calms her down and says "Don't worry, people talk to themselves all the time, I do it too"

So then she responds "Yeah but you're talking to a doctor, I'm just talking with this dumb blonde chick"

*Hotline*: Pakistani Mental Health Hotline, how can I help you?

*Caller*: My life sucks, I see no way out.

*Hotline*: Do not worry, we are here to help you.

*Caller*: I'm feeling suicidal. What should I do?

*Hotline*: How close are you to India?

*Caller*: Don't know exactly, maybe 400km.

*Hotline*: So can you drive a truck?

Recent research shows that horses tend to have much better mental health than other farm animals.
Due to their stable environment.

I told my friend that I was feeling suicidal. He told me to talk to the mental health clinic for help
They seemed totally against the idea, I guess I’ll do it myself.

I hate the stigma around mental health
Immediately when I got medication for schizophrenia, my friends won't talk to me anymore.

Welcome to the Mental Health Helpline. Please listen carefully to the following options:
* If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
* If you are co-dependent, please get someone to press 2 for you.
* If you have multiple personality disorder, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
* If you have Tourette's Syndrome, please say "CUNT!" after the tone.
* If you have schizophrenia, press whichever button the voice in your head tells you to press.
* If you have paranoia, we already know who you are and why you are calling. Don't hang up. It is too late.
* If you have depression, just hang up now. It wasn't going to help anyway.

"Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane." - Philip K. Dick

"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet." - Rodney Dangerfield