Age Jokes - Hilarious Jokes About Getting Older.

That awkward moment when you're having sex with a German girl and she keeps yelling "Nine!"
Like, are you just yelling your age or are ten of us too many?

Panic Instruction: When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
Paperboy's rule of Weather: No matter how clear the skies are, a thunderstorm will move in 5 minutes after the papers are delivered.
Paradox of Selective Equality: All things being equal, all things are never equal.
Pardo's Postulates:
Anything good is either illegal, immoral, or fattening.
The three faithful things in life are money, a dog, and an old woman.
Don't care if you're rich or not, as long as you live comfortably and can have everything you want.
Pareto's Law (The 20/80 Law): 20% of the customers account for 80% of the turnover, 20% of the components account for 80% of the cost, and so forth.
Parker's Rule of Parliamentary Procedure: A motion to adjourn is always in order.
Parker's Law of Political Statements: The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility, and vice versa.
Parker's Third Rule of Tech Support: If you can't navigate a one-level, five-item phone tree, you didn't need a computer anyway.
Parkin's Law of Irritation: Anything that happens enough times to irritate you will happen at least once more.
Parkinson's Axioms:
An official wants to multiply subordinates, not rivals.
Officials make work for each other.
Parkinson's First Law: Work expands to fill the time available for its completion; the thing to be done swells in perceived importance and complexity in a direct ratio with the time to be spent in its completion.
Parkinson's Second Law: Expenditures rise to meet income.
Parkinson's Third Law: Expansion means complexity; and complexity decay.
Parkinson's Fourth Law: The number of people in any working group tends to increase regardless of the amount of work to be done.
Parkinson's Fifth Law: If there is a way to delay an important decision the good bureaucracy, public or private, will find it.
Parkinson's Sixth Law: The progress of science varies inversely with the number of journals published.
Parkinson's Law of Delay: Delay is the deadliest form of denial.
Parkinson's Law of Medical Research: Successful research attracts the bigger grant which makes further research impossible.
Parkinson's Law of the Telephone: The effectiveness of a telephone conversation is in inverse proportion to the time spent on it.
Parkinson's Law of 1000: An enterprise employing more than 1000 people becomes a self-perpetuating empire, creating so much internal work that it no longer needs any contact with the outside world.
Parkinson's Principle of Non-Origination: It is the essence of grantsmanship to persuade the Foundation executives that it was THEY who suggested the research project and that you were a belated convert, agreeing reluctantly to all they had proposed.
Mrs. Parkinson's Law: Heat produced by pressure expands to fill the mind available, from which it can pass only to a cooler mind.
Parson's Laws:
If you break a cup or plate, it will not be the one that was already chipped or cracked.
A place you want to get to is always just off the edge of the map you happen to have handy.
A meeting lasts at least 1 1/2 hours however short the agenda.
Dolly Parton's Principle: The bigger they are, the harder it is to see your shoes.
Pastore's Truths:
Even paranoids have enemies.
This job is marginally better than daytime TV.
On alcohol: four is one more than more than enough.
Patricks's Theorem: If the experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment.
Patton's Law: A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow.
Paturi Principle: Success is the result of behavior that completely contradicts the usual expectations about the behavior of a successful person.
Corollary: The amount of success is in inverse proportion to the effort involved in attaining it.
Paul Principle: People become progressively less competent for jobs they once were well equipped to handle.
Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor.
Paulg's Law: In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you save.
Peck's Programming Postulates (Philosophic Engineering applied to programming):
In any program, any error which can creep in will eventually do so.
Not until the program has been in production for at least six months will the most harmful error be discovered.
Any constants, limits, or timing formulas that appear in the computer manufacturer's literature should be treated as variables.
The most vital parameter in any subroutine stands the greatest chance of being left out of the calling sequence.
If only one compiler can be secured for a piece of hardware, the compilation times will be exorbitant.
If a test installation functions perfectly, all subsequent systems will malfunction.
Job control cards that positively cannot be arranged in improper order, will be.
Interchangeable tapes won't.
If more than one person has programmed a malfunctioning routine, no one is at fault.
If the input editor has been designed to reject all bad input, an ingenious idiot will discover a method to get bad data past it.
Duplicated object decks which test in identical fashion will not give identical results at remote sites.
Manufacturer's hardware and software support ceases with payment for the computer.
Peckham's Law (Beckhap's Law?): Beauty times brains equals a constant.
Peers's Law: The solution to a problem changes the problem.
Captain Penny's Law: You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you can't fool MOM.
Perelman's Point: There is nothing like a good painstaking survey full of decimal points and guarded generalizations to put a glaze like a Sung vase on your eyeball.
Perkin's postulate: The bigger they are, the harder they hit.
Perlsweig's Law: People who can least afford to pay rent, pay rent. People who can most afford to pay rent, build up equity.
Persig's Postulate: The number of rational hypotheses that can explain any given phenomenon is infinite.
Law of the Perversity of Nature: You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.
Peter Principle: In every hierarchy, whether it be government or business, each employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence; every post tends to be filled by an employee incompetent to execute its duties. Corollaries:
Incompetence knows no barriers of time or place.
Work is accomplished by those employees who have not yet reached their level of incompetence.
If at first you don't succeed, try something else.
Peter's Hidden Postulate According to Godin: Every employee begins at his level of competence.
Peter's Inversion: Internal consistency is valued more highly than efficiency.
Peter's Law of Evolution: Competence always contains the seed of incompetence.
Peter's Law of Substitution: Look after the molehills and the mountains will look after themselves.
Peter's Observation: Super-competence is more objectionable than incompetence.
Peter's Paradox: Employees in a hierarchy do not really object to incompetence in their colleagues.
Peter's Perfect People Palliative: Each of us is a mixture of good qualities and some (perhaps) not-so-good qualities. In considering our fellow people we should remember their good qualities and realize that their faults only prove that they are, after all, human. We should refrain from making harsh judgments of people just because they happen to be dirty, rotten, no-good sons-of-bitches.
Peter's Placebo: An ounce of image is worth a pound of performance. Peter's Prognosis: Spend sufficient time in confirming the need and the need will disappear.
Peter's Rule for Creative Incompetence: Create the impression that you have already reached your level of incompetence.
Peter's Theorem: Incompetence plus incompetence equals incompetence.
Peterson's Law: History shows that money will multiply in volume and divide in value over the long run. Or, expressed differently, the purchasing power of currency will vary inversely with the magnitude of the public debt.
Phases of a Project:
Exultation.
Disenchantment.
Confusion.
Search for the Guilty.
Punishment of the Innocent.
Distinction for the Uninvolved.
Phelps's Laws of Renovation:
Any renovation project on an old house will cost twice as much and take three times as long as originally estimated.
Any plumbing pipes you choose to replace during renovation will prove to be in excellent condition; those you decide to leave in place will be rotten.
Phelps's Law of Retributive Statistics: An unexpectedly easy-to-handle sequence of events will be immediately followed by an equally long sequence of trouble.
Theory of the International Society of Philosophic Engineering:
In any calculation, any error which can creep in will do so.
Any error in any calculation will be in the direction of most harm.
In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from engineering handbooks) are to be treated as variables.
The best approximation of service conditions in the laboratory will not begin to meet those conditions encountered in actual service.
The most vital dimension on any plan or drawing stands the greatest chance of being omitted.
If only one bid can be secured on any project, the price will be unreasonable.
If a test installation functions perfectly, all subsequent production units will malfunction.
All delivery promises must be multiplied by a factor of 2.0.
Major changes in construction will always be requested after fabrication is nearly completed.
Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be.
Interchangeable parts won't.
Manufacturer's specifications of performance should be multiplied by a factor of 0.5.
Salespeople's claims for performance should be multiplied by a factor of 0.25.
Installation and Operating Instructions shipped with the device will be promptly discarded by the Receiving Department.
Any device requiring service or adjustment will be least accessible.
Service Conditions as given on specifications will be exceeded.
If more than one person is responsible for a miscalculation, no one will be at fault.
Identical units which test in an identical fashion will not behave in an identical fashion in the field.
If, in engineering practice, a safety factor is set through service experience at an ultimate value, an ingenious idiot will promptly calculate a method to exceed said safety factor.
Warranty and guarantee clauses are voided by payment of the invoice.
Phone Booth Rule: A lone dime always gets the number nearly right.
Pierson's Law: If you're coasting, you're going downhill.
Pike Law of Punditry: The successful pundit is provided more opportunities to say things than he has things worth saying.
Axiom of the Pipe. (Trischmann's Paradox): A pipe gives a wise man time to think and a fool something to stick in his mouth.
Plotnick's Law: The time of departure will be delayed by the square of the number of people involved.
Law of Political Erosion: Once the erosion of power begins, it has a momentum all its own.
Politicians' Rules:
When the polls are in your favor, flaunt them.
When the polls are overwhelmingly unfavorable, either (a) ridicule and dismiss them or (b) stress the volatility of public opinion.
When the polls are slightly unfavorable, play for sympathy as a struggling underdog.
When too close to call, be surprised at your own strength.
The Pollyanna Paradox: Every day, in every way, things get better and better; then worse again in the evening.
Potter's Law: The amount of flak received on any subject is inversely proportional to the subject's true value.
Poulsen's Law: When anything is used to its full potential, it will break.
Pournelle's Law of Costs and Schedules: Everything costs more and takes longer.
Powell's Law: Never tell them what you wouldn't do.
Law of Predictive Action: The second most powerful phrase in the world is "Watch this!" The most powerful phrase is "Oh yeah? Watch this!"
Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning: It's on the other side.
Price's Law of Politics: It's easier to be a liberal a long way from home.
Price's Law of Science: Scientists who dislike the restraints of highly organized research like to remark that a truly great research worker needs only three pieces of equipment -- a pencil, a piece of paper, and a brain. But they quote this maxim more often at academic banquets than at budget hearings.
The Principle Concerning Multifunctional Devices: The fewer functions any device is required to perform, the more perfectly it can perform those functions.
Law of Probable Dispersal: Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. (also known as the How Come It All Landed On Me Law)
Laws of Procrastination:
Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility for its termination on someone else (the authority who imposed the deadline).
It reduces anxiety by reducing the expected quality of the project from the best of all possible efforts to the best that can be expected given the limited time.
Status is gained in the eyes of others, and in one's own eyes, because it is assumed that the importance of the work justifies the stress.
Avoidance of interruptions including the assignment of other duties can be achieved, so that the obviously stressed worker can concentrate on the single effort.
Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that there is nothing important to do.
It may eliminate the job if the need passes before the job can be done.
Productivity Equation: The productivity, P, of a group of people is: P = N x T x (.55 - .00005 x N x (N - 1) ) where N is the number of people in the group and T is the number of hours in a work period.
Professional's Law: Doctors, dentists, and lawyers are only on time for appointments when you're not.
Project scheduling "99" rule: The first 90 percent of the task takes 90 percent of the time. The last 10 percent takes the other 90 percent.
Proverbial Law: For every proverb that so confidently asserts its little bit of wisdom, there is usually an equal and opposite proverb that contradicts it.
Public Relations Client Turnover Law: The minute you sign a client is the minute you start to lose him.
First Rule of Public Speaking: Nice guys finish fast.
Pudder's Law: Anything that begins well ends badly. Anything that begins badly ends worse.
Puritan's Law: Evil is live spelled backwards.
Corollary: If it feels good, don't do it.
Putney's Law: If the people of a democracy are allowed to do so, they will vote away the freedoms which are essential to that democracy.
Putt's Law: Technology is dominated by two types of people -- those who understand what they do not manage, and those who manage what they do not understand.

Madison's Question: If you have to travel on a Titanic, why not go first-class?
Rev. Mahaffy's Observation: There's no such thing as a large whiskey.
Maier's Law: If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of. Corollaries:
The bigger the theory, the better.
The experiment may be considered a success if no more than 50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to obtain a correspondence with the theory. (Compensation Corollary)
Malek's Law: Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.
Malinowski's Law: Looking from far above, from our high places of safety in the developed civilization, it is easy to see all the crudity and irrelevance of magic.
Malloy's Maxim: The fact that monkeys have hands should give us pause.
The first Myth of Management: It exists.
Truths of Management:
Think before you act; it's not your money.
All good management is the expression of one great idea.
No executive devotes effort to proving himself wrong.
Cash in must exceed cash out.
Management capability is always less than the organization actually needs.
Either an executive can do his job or he can't.
If sophisticated calculations are needed to justify an action, don't do it.
If you are doing something wrong, you will do it badly.
If you are attempting the impossible, you will fail.
The easiest way of making money is to stop losing it.
Truth 5.1 of Management: Organizations always have too many managers.
Manly's Maxim: Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
Marshall's Generalized Iceberg Theorem: Seven-eighths of everything can't be seen.
Marshall's Universal Laws of Perpetual Perceptual Obfuscation:
Nobody perceives anything with total accuracy.
No two people perceive the same thing identically.
Few perceive what difference it makes -- or care.
Martha's Maxim (and see Olum's Observation and Farrow's Finding): If God had meant for us to travel tourist class, He would have made us narrower.
Dean Martin's Definition of Drunkenness: You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
Martin-Berthelot Principle: Of all possible committee reactions to any given agenda item, the reaction that will occur is the one which will liberate the greatest amount of hot air.
Martin's Laws of Academia:
The faculty expands its activity to fit whatever space is available, so that more space is always required.
Faculty purchases of equipment and supplies always increase to match the funds available, so these funds are never adequate.
The professional quality of the faculty tends to be inversely proportional to the importance it attaches to space and equipment.
Martin's Law of Committees: All committee reports conclude that "it is not prudent to change the policy (or procedure, or organization, or whatever) at this time." Martin's Exclusion: Committee reports dealing with wages, salaries, fringe benefits, facilities, computers, employee parking, libraries, coffee breaks, secretarial support, etc., always call for dramatic expenditure increases.
Martin's Law of Communication: The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communication between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased area of misunderstanding.
Martin's Minimax Maxim: Everyone knows that the name of the game is to let the other guy have all of the little tats and to keep all of the big tits for yourself.
Matsch's Law: It is better to have a horrible ending than to have horrors without end.
Matsch's Maxim: A fool in a high station is like a man on the top of a small mountain: everything appears small to him and he appears small to everybody.
Matz's warning: Beware of the physician who is great at getting out of trouble.
Maugham's Thought: Only a mediocre person is always at his best.
May's Law: The quality of the correlation is inversely proportional to the density of the control (the fewer the facts, the smoother the curves).
May's Mordant Maxim: A university is a place where men of principle outnumber men of honor.
McCarthy's Law: Being in politics is like being a football coach. You have to be smart enough to understand the game and dumb enough to think it's important.
McClaughry's Law of Public Policy: Politicians who vote huge expenditures to alleviate problems get re-elected; those who propose structural changes to prevent problems get early retirement.
McClaughry's Law of Zoning: Where zoning is not needed, it will work perfectly; where it is desperately needed, it always breaks down.
McDonald's Second Law: Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number and give it back to them.
McGoon's Law: The probability of winning is inversely proportional to the amount of the wager.
McGovern's Law: The longer the title, the less important the job.
McGurk's Law: Any improbable event which would create maximum confusion if it did occur, will occur.
McKenna's Law: When you are right, be logical. When you are wrong, be-fuddle.
McLaughlin's Law (and see Parson's Third Law): The length of any meeting is inversely proportional to the length of the agenda for that meeting.
McLean's Maxim: There are only two problems with people. One is that they don't think. The other is that they do.
McNaughton's Rule: Any argument worth making within the bureaucracy must be capable of being expressed in a simple declarative sentence that is obviously true once stated.
Margaret Mead's Law of Human Migration: At least fifty percent of the human race doesn't want their mother-in-law within walking distance.
Melcher's Law: In a bureaucracy, every routing slip will expand until it contains the maximum number of names that can be typed in a single vertical column.
H. L. Mencken's Law: Those who can -- do. Those who cannot -- teach. Those who cannot teach -- administrate. (Martin's Extension)
Mencken's Metalaw: For every human problem, there is a neat, simple solution; and it is always wrong.
Merkin's Maxim: When in doubt, predict that the present trend will continue.
Merrill's First Corollary: There are no winners in life; only survivors.
Merrill's Second Corollary: In the highway of life, the average happening is of about as much true significance as a dead skunk in the middle of the road.
Meskimen's Laws: 1) When they want it bad (in a rush), they get it bad. 2) There's never time to do it right, but always time to do it over.
Michehl's Theorem: Less is more.
Pastore's Comment on Michehl's Theorem: Nothing is ultimate.
Mickelson's Law of Falling Objects: Any object that is accidentally dropped will hide under a larger object.
Miksch's Law: If a string has one end, then it has another end.
Miller's Law: You can't tell how deep a puddle is until you step into it.
Mills's Law of Transportation Logistics: The distance to the gate from which your flight departs is inversely proportional to the time remaining before the scheduled departure of the flight. Corollaries (Woods): 1) This remains true even as you rush to catch the flight. 2) From this it follows that you are invariably rushing the wrong way.
MIST Law (Man In The Street): The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.
Mobil's Maxim: Bad regulation begets worse regulation.
Moer's Truism: The trouble with most jobs is the resemblance to being in a sled dog team. No one gets a change of scenery, except the lead dog.
Money Maxim: Money isn't everything. (It isn't plentiful, for instance.)
Montagu's Maxim: The idea is to die young as late as possible.
Morley's Conclusion: No man is lonely while eating spaghetti.
Morton's Law: If rats are experimented upon, they will develop cancer. ("What this country needs are some stronger white rats.")
Mosher's Law: It's better to retire too soon than too late.
Munnecke's Law: If you don't say it, they can't repeat it.

-Hola, ¿Sexo telefónico?
-No, esto es la agencis tributaria, pero también podemos joderte.

In the age of information, ignorance is a choice.

Old statisticians never die, they just get broken down by age and sex.

At a certain age "Being good in bed" simply means not snoring...

New research shows, men who masturbate when over the age of 60, risk ending up in hospital.
It only takes one stroke!

Is there an age limit for circumcision? I'd like to know the cut off date.

Baruch's Rule for Determining Old Age: Old age is always fifteen years older than I am.

At my age I don’t need participation medals.
Everything I do results in atrophy.

I’m not brave. I’m just past the age where running is an option.

Sometimes my age is really inappropriate for my behavior!

Everyone talks about how good car sex is.

At my age I can barely handle sex with a person, much less a car.

All men reach an age when they greet each other with "There he is."

I don't mind saying my age because I'm still pretty, still sharp, and if you disagree I can hit you with my walking stick.

Lying about my age is easier now that I have trouble remembering what it is.

Once told a woman she looked great for her age instead of just saying she looked great. So yeah, you could say I’ve survived a near death experience.

You know you've reached MIDDLE AGE when who tells you to SLOW DOWN is your doctor and not a cop!

People seemed older when they were the age we are now.

Getting another set of teeth would be much more useful at age 60 than age 6.

Let me make this simple, I want to be invited, but I don't want to go.
It's an age thing.

I've reached an age where my Train of thought leaves the station without me.

It's probably my age that tricks people into thinking I'm an adult.

The age of consent here is 17. But I am a gentleman...
I ask for consent regardless of age!

Inventor of pocket calculator dies at age of 9 × 9.

A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick. So she proceeded to find herself a rich 73 year old man, planning to screw him to death on their wedding night. The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half- century age difference. On the first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed. When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover his 12 inch erection, and he was carrying ear plugs and a pair of nose plugs. Fearing her plan had gone amiss, she asked, "What are those for?" The old man replied, "There are just two things I can't stand: the sound of a woman screaming... and the smell of burning rubber!"

So at the age of 74, Arnold Schwarzenegger is amazing in the new Terminator film.
The only difference is his catchphrase which has been changed to... "Arrhh me back!"

My age is very inappropriate for my behavior.

TWELVE COMMANDMENTS FOR PEOPLE OVER 50
#1 - Talk to yourself. There are times you need expert advice.
#2 - “In Style” are the clothes that still fit.
#3 - You don't need anger management. You need people to stop pissing
you off.
#4 - Your people skills are just fine. It's your tolerance for idiots
that needs work.
#5 - The biggest lie you tell yourself is, “I don't need to write that
down. I'll remember it.”
#6 - “On time” is when you get there.
#7 - Even duct tape can't fix stupid, but it sure does muffle the sound.
#8 - It would be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for
ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller?
#9 - Lately, you've noticed people your age are so much older than you.
#10 - Growing old should have taken longer.
#11 - Aging has slowed you down, but it hasn't shut you up.
#12 - You still haven't learned to act your age and hope you never will.
. . . And one more: “One for the road” means peeing before you leave the
house.

When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of cats. This phenomenon is known as many paws.

Age is an issue of mind over matter. So if you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter!

Dad: "When I was your age I ran a maratho."
Son: "You mean marathon?"
Dad: "No, I didn't finish."

I don't understand when people say 'age is just a number'... Age is clearly a word.

I hate it when people say age is only a number.
Age is clearly a word!

Babcock's Law: If it can be borrowed and it can be broken, you will borrow it and you will break it.
Bagdikian's Law of Editor's Speeches: The splendor of an editor's speech and the splendor of his newspaper are inversely related to the distance between the city in which he makes his speech and the city in which he publishes his paper.
Baker's Byroad: When you are over the hill, you pick up speed.
Baldy's Law: Some of it plus the rest of it is all of it.
Barber's Laws of Backpacking:
The integral of the gravitational potential taken around any loop trail you chose to hike always comes out positive.
Any stone in your boot always migrates against the pressure gradient to exactly the point of most pressure.
The weight of your pack increases in direct proportion to the amount of food you consume from it. If you run out of food, the pack weight goes on increasing anyway.
The number of stones in your boot is directly proportional to the number of hours you have been on the trail.
The difficulty of finding any given trail marker is directly proportional to the importance of the consequences of failing to find it.
The size of each of the stones in your boot is directly proportional to the number of hours you have been on the trail.
The remaining distance to your chosen campsite remains constant as twilight approaches.
The net weight of your boots is proportional to the cube of the number of hours you have been on the trail.
When you arrive at your chosen campsite, it is full.
If you take your boots off, you'll never get them back on again.
The local density of mosquitos is inversely proportional to your remaining repellent.
Barrett's Laws of Driving:
The vehicle in front of you is traveling slower than you are.
This lane ends in 500 feet.
Barr's Comment on Domestic Tranquility: On a beautiful day like this it's hard to believe anyone can be unhappy -- but we'll work on it.
Barth's Distinction: There are two types of people: those who divide people into two types, and those who don't.
Bartz's Law of Hokey Horsepuckery: The more ridiculous a belief system, the higher the probability of its success.
Baruch's Rule for Determining Old Age: Old age is always fifteen years older than I am.
Forthoffer's Cynical Summary of Barzun's Laws:
That which has not yet been taught directly can never be taught directly.
If at first you don't succeed, you will never succeed.
Baxter's First Law: Government intervention in the free market always leads to a lower national standard of living.
Baxter's Second Law: The adoption of fractional gold reserves in a currency system always leads to depreciation, devaluation, demonetization and, ultimately, to complete destruction of that currency.
Baxter's Third Law: In a free market good money always drives bad money out of circulation.
Becker's Law: It is much harder to find a job than to keep one.
Belle's Constant: The ratio of time involved in work to time available for work is usually about 0.6.
Benchley's Law: Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at that moment.
Berkeley's Laws:
The world is more complicated than most of our theories make it out to be.
Ignorance is no excuse.
Most problems have either many answers or no answer. Only a few problems have a single answer.
An answer may be wrong, right, both, or neither. Most answers are partly right and partly wrong.
A chain of reasoning is no stronger than its weakest link.
A statement may be true independently of illogical reasoning.
Most general statements are false, including this one.
An exception TESTS a rule; it NEVER PROVES it.
The moment you have worked out an answer, start checking it -- it probably isn't right.
If there is an opportunity to make a mistake, sooner or later the mistake will be made.
Being sure mistakes will occur is a good frame of mind for catching them.
Check the answer you have worked out once more -- before you tell it to anybody.
Estimating a figure may be enough to catch an error.
Figures calculated in a rush are very hot; they should be allowed to cool off a little before being used; thus we will have a reasonable time to think about the figures and catch mistakes.
A great many problems do not have accurate answers, but do have approximate answers, from which sensible decisions can be made.
Berra's Law: You can observe a lot just by watching.
Berson's Corollary of Inverse Distances: The farther away from the entrance that you have to park, the closer the space vacated by the car that pulls away as you walk up to the door.
Billings's Law: Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.
Blaauw's Law: Established technology tends to persist in spite of new technology.
Blanchard's Newspaper Obituary Law: If you want your name spelled wrong, die.
Bok's Law: If you think education is expensive -- try ignorance.
Boling's Postulate: If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.
Bolton's Law of Ascending Budgets: Under current practices, both expenditures and revenues rise to meet each other, no matter which one may be in excess.
Bombeck's Rule of Medicine: Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Boob's Law: You always find something the last place you look.
Booker's Law: An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction.
Boozer's Revision: A bird in the hand is dead.
Boren's Laws of the Bureaucracy:
When in doubt, mumble.
When in trouble, delegate.
When in charge, ponder.
Borkowski's Law: You can't guard against the arbitrary.
Borstelmann's Rule: If everything seems to be coming your way, you're probably in the wrong lane.
Boston's Irreversible Law of Clutter: In any household, junk accumulates to fill the space available for its storage.
Boultbee's Criterion: If the converse of a statement is absurd, the original statement is an insult to the intelligence and should never have been said.
Boyle's Laws:
When things are going well, someone will inevitably experiment detrimentally.
The deficiency will never show itself during the dry runs.
Information travels more surely to those with a lesser need to know.
An original idea can never emerge from committee in the original.
When the product is destined to fail, the delivery system will perform perfectly.
The crucial memorandum will be snared in the out-basket by the paper clip of the overlying correspondence and go to file.
Success can be insured only by devising a defense against failure of the contingency plan.
Performance is directly affected by the perversity of inanimate objects.
If not controlled, work will flow to the competent man until he submerges.
The lagging activity in a project will invariably be found in the area where the highest overtime rates lie waiting.
Talent in staff work or sales will recurringly be interpreted as managerial ability.
The "think positive" leader tends to listen to his subordinates' premonitions only during the postmortems.
Clearly stated instructions will consistently produce multiple interpretations.
On successive charts of the same organization the number of boxes will never decrease.
Branch's First Law of Crisis: The spirit of public service will rise, and the bureaucracy will multiply itself much faster, in time of grave national concern.
First Law of Bridge: It's always the partner's fault.
Brien's First Law: At some time in the life cycle of virtually every organization, its ability to succeed in spite of itself runs out.
Broder's Law: Anybody that wants the presidency so much that he'll spend two years organizing and campaigning for it is not to be trusted with the office.
Brontosaurus Principle: Organizations can grow faster than their brains can manage them in relation to their environment and to their own physiology; when this occurs, they are an endangered species.
Brooks's Law: Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
(Jerry) Brown's Law: Too often I find that the volume of paper expands to fill the available briefcases.
(Sam) Brown's Law: Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance.
(Tony) Brown's Law of Business Success: Our customer's paperwork is profit. Our own paperwork is loss.
Bruce-Briggs's Law of Traffic: At any level of traffic, any delay is intolerable.
Buchwald's Law: As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse.
Bucy's Law: Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.
Bunuel's Law: Overdoing things is harmful in all cases, even when it comes to efficiency.
Bureaucratic Cop-Out: You should have seen it when *I* got it.
Burns's Balance: If the assumptions are wrong, the conclusions aren't likely to be very good.
Bustlin' Billy's Bogus Beliefs:
The organization of any program reflects the organization of the people who develop it.
There is no such thing as a "dirty capitalist", only a capitalist.
Anything is possible, but nothing is easy.
Capitalism can exist in one of only two states -- welfare or warfare.
I'd rather go whoring than warring.
History proves nothing.
There is nothing so unbecoming on the beach as a wet kilt.
A little humility is arrogance.
A lot of what appears to be progress is just so much technological rococo.
Butler's Law of Progress: All progress is based on a universal innate desire on the part of every organism to live beyond its income.
Bye's First Law of Model Railroading: Anytime you wish to demonstrate something, the number of faults is proportional to the number of viewers.
Bye's Second Law of Model Railroading: The desire for modeling a prototype is inversely proportional to the decline of the prototype.

Sign outside a Scottish cinema,
Free admission for old age pensioners,
If accompanied by both parents.

That awkward moment when you're having sex with a German girl and she keeps yelling "Nine!"
Like, are you just yelling your age or are ten of us too many?

I'm at that age when I click directly on the "Forgot password" button without even trying it once.

A frog jumped on my lap.
It said,kiss me and I’ll turn into a beautiful woman!
I started to put it in my pocket, it said to me. What are you doing?
I responded, at my age I’d rather have a talking frog!

A couple who work in the circus go to an adoption agency.
Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.
The couple produce photos of their 50 ft motorhome, which is equipped with a beautiful nursery.
The social workers then are doubtful about the education that the child would get.
"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin and computer skills."
Then there are doubts about raising a child in a circus environment.
"Our nanny is an expert in pediatric welfare and diet."
The social workers are finally satisfied.
They ask, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"
"It doesn't really matter, as long as he fits in the cannon.

I know people my age climb mountains without falling off,
But my daily challenge is to climb into my underpants without falling over...

At the end of the age when all the believers were standing in line waiting to get into heaven, God appeared and said, "I want all the men to form two lines.
One line will be for the men who were the true heads of their households.
The other will be for the men who were dominated by their wives."
God continued, "I want all the women to report to St. Peter."
The women left and the men formed two lines...
The line of men who were dominated by their wives was seemingly unending.
The line of men who were the true head of their household had one man in it.
God said to the first line, "You men ought to be ashamed of yourselves.
I appointed you to be the heads of your households and you were disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose.
Of all of you, there is only one man who obeyed me. Learn from him."
Then God turned to the lone man and asked, "How did you come to be in this line?"
The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."

Lying about my age is easier now that I have trouble remembering what it is.

At my age I have seen it all, I have done it all, I have heard it all...?.....I just don't remember it all!

Don't get weird about getting older! Age is simply the number of years the world has been enjoying us!

It's probably my age that fools people into thinking I'm an adult.

"Mom I have started dating our neighbour..."
"Anders?! But honey, he could be your father!" says mom.

Daughter replies "Mom, age is just a number!"

"I wasn't talking about his age!"

When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of cats.
This phenomenon is known as many paws.

What's the right age to stop running naked from the bedroom to the bathroom?

Middle age is when you finally get your head together
and your body starts falling apart.

Getting another set of teeth would be much more useful at age 60 than age 6.

My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans. I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but..."

"Look at what kids your age make in China!"

I'm at that age when an "all nighter" just means I didn't need to get up to pee.