Funny Jokes About Luck - Laugh Your Way to Good Fortune.

A man, down on his luck, comes across a lamp while walking on the beach...
He gives the lamp a hard rub and out comes a genie.

Genie says "Master, I will fulfill any three wishes you have with one condition. Whatever you wish for, the man you hate the most will get double."

"What the hell? Have you any idea what John did to me? He stole my job, slept with my wife, and ran over my dog!!!" Complained the man.

Genie replies "Sorry, I don't make the rules. Do you want the wishes or not?"

"Fine." Said the man, "My first wish is to have ten billion dollars in my bank account."

"Done" The man immediately receives a call from his bank informing him of his new wealth. Somewhere in the world, John is overjoyed to see twenty billion dollars in his bank account.

"My second wish is to have a 12 inch penis."

"Done" The man looks down and sees his member has now almost doubled in size. Somewhere in the world, John is a little bothered by the fact that his penis now goes down below his knees.

"What is your last wish?" The genie asks.

The man replies "Remove one of my kidneys and show it to me."

Heard about this guy, he has the worst luck.
He stole a biology textbook, and got like a million life sentences!

A man on his death bed was speaking with his wife.
"Helen," he said, "we've been through so much together. Do you remember when the shop burned down, and we lost everything of value we had in this world. We had to start over from nothing, but you were by my side."
His wife solemnly replied "I remember, dear."
"Helen," he continued, "when our son was killed in that terrible car accident, I was heartbroken. I didn't think I could go on, but you were by my side."
His wife began to softly cry, "I know, dear."
"And now," the man went on, "I'm about to leave this world. In my final moments, where are you?"
His wife sobbed, "Right here by your side, dear."
"Helen," the man said, "I'm beginning to think you might be bad luck."

Did you hear the one about the fortunate piss?
Well, urine luck.

I need everyone to wish me luck. I have a meeting at the bank later and if all goes well, I will be out of debt.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask.

If you ever have to go through job applications, throw half of them away randomly.
You don't want to hire anyone unlucky.

Did you hear the one about the fortunate piss?
Well, urine luck.

Did you hear about the unlucky man on the North Pole?
No matter how hard he tried, things would always go south.

"Good luck with your doctor appointment" I said
The girlfriend tells me "I'm just going to fill out some papers so they'll accept me as a patient."

"We'll don't be in a hurry to get the papers" I said "They won't take you if you're not patient"

What do you call consistent bad luck on the highway?
Car-ma.

Heard about this guy, he has the worst luck.
He stole a biology textbook, and got like a million life sentences!

Wish me luck. Tomorrow I start my internship at an electric company.
It’s my induction day.

How do you call a lady with bad luck?
Miss Fortune.

Why do you get 7 years of bad luck when you break a mirror?
So it gives you enough time to reflect on your mistake.

What's the favorite song of bad luck?
Misfor- tune.

Why are women bad luck at hockey games?
Because they never have good periods.

There was this man by the name of Mr Five.

His lucky number was, not surprisingly, 5.

He was 55 years old, ate 5 times a day, always brought with him $55 in his wallet and always wore a shirt with 5 pockets.

One day, he saw a horse by the name of Lucky Five was racing.

He bet $5555.55 on the horse.

After 5 hours the results are out.

Sure enough the horse comes in fifth.

A man goes to the library and asks if they have a book on how to commit suicide.
The librarian says "Yeh, I think we do, it should be at the back row on the top shelf".
The man goes and looks, even climbs a ladder to look at the top but still can't find it.
"Still no luck" says the man.
The librarian replies "Oh, the last person who borrowed it mustn't have brought it back"

You guys asked for a joke? Well you’re in luck, cause you already are one!

Sometimes I just wake up in the morning, and think well better luck next time.

3 Chinese blokes apply for American visa.
They decide to use Americanized names for starting their new lives.

So, Chu became Chuck and got his Visa stamped.

Lu became Luck and also received his Visa.

Fu had to continue working in the paddy fields.

I went to my local library to look for a book on small penises
With not alot of luck I decided to ask the librarian - "Have you seen the book about small penises?"
she replied "It isn't in yet"
I said "Yeah, that's the one!"

So, you have a pee fetish?
Well urine luck!

The surgeon tells a patient who needs a heart transplant, "You are in luck, we have two matching donors. A twenty year old athlete and an 80 year old lawyer, which heart do you want?"
The patient answers, "Give me the lawyer's heart, that one hasn't been used yet."

America is going through such bad luck at the moment.
It's as if the whole country were built on haunted Indian burial grounds...

What do you call a handjob from a leprechaun?
A stroke of luck.

I’ve always had bad luck with women.
My first wife died and now my second wife won’t.

Beer Bottle: You break me, you get 1 year of bad luck!
Mirror: Are you kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get 7 years bad luck!
Condom: Hahaha... (Condom walks off laughing)

What’s the difference between bad luck and extreme bad luck?
Bad luck is when your mother-in-law falls into a river.
Extreme bad luck is when someone saves her.

There was an Irish botanist that was trying to cross a four leaf clover with poison ivy...
He was hoping for a rash of good luck.

Two brokers are discussing their luck lately with the stock market.
One moans to another, 'With how bad my portfolio's been performing lately, I'd have better luck investing in my own failure!'
His companion looks to him and says 'Don't think like that. Failure is not an option.'

A woman was pumping her gas on an extremely hot day.
As she pulled the nozzle from her car, some splashed on her arm and a random spark ignited the gas. As her arm was burning, she called for help to have someone try to quell the flame before it grew too high. To her luck, a couple police officers walked out from inside the gas station and immediately walked over to her.

As she pleaded for help, they approached her and immediately arrested her for unlawfully waving a firearm.

My friend is a man of extreme luck. He won the Russian roulette 5 times in a row!

I only have luck dating meteorologists...
They only expect 3 to 5 inches

I've been trying to get someone to redo my garden, but i'm not having much luck.

I've found several landscape gardeners, but mine is portrait.

A man, down on his luck, comes across a lamp while walking on the beach...
He gives the lamp a hard rub and out comes a genie.

Genie says "Master, I will fulfill any three wishes you have with one condition. Whatever you wish for, the man you hate the most will get double."

"What the hell? Have you any idea what John did to me? He stole my job, slept with my wife, and ran over my dog!!!" Complained the man.

Genie replies "Sorry, I don't make the rules. Do you want the wishes or not?"

"Fine." Said the man, "My first wish is to have ten billion dollars in my bank account."

"Done" The man immediately receives a call from his bank informing him of his new wealth. Somewhere in the world, John is overjoyed to see twenty billion dollars in his bank account.

"My second wish is to have a 12 inch penis."

"Done" The man looks down and sees his member has now almost doubled in size. Somewhere in the world, John is a little bothered by the fact that his penis now goes down below his knees.

"What is your last wish?" The genie asks.

The man replies "Remove one of my kidneys and show it to me."

A man on his death bed was speaking with his wife.
"Helen," he said, "we've been through so much together. Do you remember when the shop burned down, and we lost everything of value we had in this world. We had to start over from nothing, but you were by my side."
His wife solemnly replied "I remember, dear."
"Helen," he continued, "when our son was killed in that terrible car accident, I was heartbroken. I didn't think I could go on, but you were by my side."
His wife began to softly cry, "I know, dear."
"And now," the man went on, "I'm about to leave this world. In my final moments, where are you?"
His wife sobbed, "Right here by your side, dear."
"Helen," the man said, "I'm beginning to think you might be bad luck."

My wife bought me a 'Good Luck' bracelet with my initials on it before I went into hospital for some surgery.
I think there must have been a misprint at the manufacturers,
because my initials are 'RND' and this one said 'DNR'.