Jokes About Time: Laughing Through the Ages.

Cartoon Laws:

Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation. Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second per second takes over.
Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter intervenes suddenly. Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the stooge's surcease.
Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to its perimeter. Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout- perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.
The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken. Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it inevitably unsuccessful.
All principles of gravity are negated by fear. Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight.
As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once. This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A 'wacky' character has the option of self- replication only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required.
Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel entrances; others cannot. This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generation, but at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not of science.
Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent. Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed, accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate, elongate, snap back, or solidify.

Do you think the inventor of the USB will be buried twice? The 2nd time because they put him in the wrong way?

Anything that can go wrong will go wrong.
Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
Nothing is as easy as it looks.
Everything takes longer than you think.
If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
Corollary: If there is a worse time for something to go wrong, it will happen then.
If anything simply cannot go wrong, it will anyway.
If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first.
Every solution breeds new problems.

I don't go swimming because it's never been 30 minutes after the last time I ate.

"The four most dangerous words in investing are: 'this time it's different."

Sir John Templeton

Life tip:The best time to search for a job is when you already have one.

You want to make your way in the CS field? Simple. Calculate rough time of amnesia (hell, 10 years is plenty, probably 10 months is plenty), go to the dusty archives, dig out something fun, and go for it. It’s worked for many people, and it can work for you.

-- Ron Minnich

One man's crappy software is another man's full time job.

-- Jessica Gaston

If I had a dollar for every time algebra has helped me in real life, I'd have x dollars.

A vacation is a very expensive way to schedule the time to read a book in peace.

Fun fact.

Every time Sweden and Denmark play a football match, the scoreboard says SWE - DEN.

Interestingly, the letters omitted from the scoreboard spell DEN - MARK.

Next time you hear something described as "Government-funded" remember that the government is 100% taxpayer-funded.

If you think time travel is a hassle now, just wait until yesterday.

Christmas tip: wrap empty boxes & put them under the tree.
Every time your child acts up, throw one in the fireplace.

What did the egg say to the boiling water?

Sorry it's gonna take me some time to get hard, I just got laid by some chick.

Forgive your parents for their mistakes, it's their first time living life too.

My girlfriend said she needs some time and distance.

Is she calculating speed?

My girlfriend said she needs some time and distance.

Is she calculating speed?

Every time I avoid eating Halloween candy I reward myself by eating Halloween candy.

Next time you hear something described as "Government-funded" remember that the government is 100% taxpayer-funded.

Why don’t mummies ever take time off?

They’re afraid to unwind.

A man and a woman were traveling in a train.Woman : Every time you smile,feel like inviting you to my place. Man: ... Are you single?

Woman: No. I'm a dentist.

Physics ? Oh, you mean that thing where I defy gravity every time I walk down a runway?
- Gisele Bündchen

Every time you forget about a cup of tea a small part of the universe dies forever.

A Glaswegian lad takes his girlfriend home for the first time and introduces her to his parents.

"This is Amanda."

His dad jumps up and says, "It's a fucking what?"

Colleague at work asked for advice so I told him to be himself.

Last time I do that. Turns out he's a complete asshole.

I used to be addicted to time travel, but that’s all in the future now.

My ex husband just texted me, "Wish you were here."

He does that every time he walks through a cemetery.

I wish I was as fat as the first time I thought I was fat.

Sometimes I'm scared to sleep because I know when I wake up it's gonna be time to go to work.

My favorite part of my job is assuming I'm fired every time one of my passwords doesn't work.

It’s always awkward the first time you hold hands with someone... because they usually want to know who you are.

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
~ Ernest Hemingway

I don't always have time to write documentation, but when I do, I still don't.

Next time you’re in a fight with your wife,start undressing...She will instantly have a headache and fall asleep.

So many rules; so little time to break them.

If I had a dollar for every time socialism worked, I would have $0.

When I was a kid, bedtime was 9 pm and I couldn't wait to be a grownup so I could go to bed any time I wanted... turns out that's 9 pm.

I’m going to start telling women that I’m available for a "limited time only" in hopes that their shopping instinct kicks in.

What time does Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon? Tennish.

If you don't have anything nice to say I would probably enjoy spending time with you.

Anal sex keeps my gf in shape. Every time I just mention it and she runs a mile from me.

“If one prevents a man from working for the good of society while at the same time providing for the satisfaction of his own needs, then only one way remains open to him: to make himself richer and others poorer by the violent oppression and spoliation of his fellow men.”
- Ludwig von Mises

There is no extra time at a Botox appointment. They keep a pretty tight schedule.

My young son pointed at a lesbian couple kissing in the park...

So i walked over and said, "There's a time and a place for that, ladies"...

They looked at me. "Oh, is there now"...? asked one lady, folding her arms...

I said, "Yes. It's 9pm and my house"...

Every time I see a set of twins, I always ask them: Which one of you is the unplanned one?

I tried bobsleighing for the first time last year. I killed 5 Bobs.

People who fix watches have a lot of time on their hands .

I found out last night that my new girlfriend is a ‘squirter’.
That’s the last time we try knife throwing

If a job interviewer asks about a time you worked as part of a team...
Don't tell them about the orgy.

We’ve just gotten into tantric sex…
It’s been a long time coming!

The first time I had sex, I kept the receipt.

Last time a woman saw me naked for the first time, she screamed and ran out of the park.

My friend told me excessive masturbation can lead to memory loss.
It’s the sixth time he’s told me.