Jokes About Time: Laughing Through the Ages.

What time does the library open?" the man on the phone asked.
"Nine A.M." came the reply. "And what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?"
"Not until nine A.M.?" the man asked in a disappointed voice.
"No, not till nine A.M.!" the librarian said. "Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?"
"Who said I wanted to get in?" the man sighed sadly. "I want to get out."

Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”
Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”

Relationships should come with an icon that shows you how much time you have left like your phone’s battery.

Bart was a regular fellow, quite charming actually. But he farted often than most.


Bart has obatined that sweet sweet yes from the girl of his dream, they agreed to a date on his now girlfriend's house.


They were eating, chatting, laughing, until he had the sudden urge to fart. Of course like any decent gentleman he chose not to embarrass himself and hold it in. But he failed and it came out almost instantly.


"Max, get out of here right now!" His girlfriend said. Max was her dog that was sitting just beside their table.


Bart was relieved that she thought it was the dog that farted! Looks like he got away this time.

Now Max the obedient boy that he is, went straight under the table, girlfrien.. let's just call her Annie from now, just ignored him and continued on their date.


About 5 minutes have passed and Bart had the urge to fart again. He's not called Farty Bart for nothing.


This time it was one of those farts that are labeled "silent but deadly" Bart wanted to be sneaky and just let it out without a sound, praying Annie wouldn't notice.

Again, he failed.


Annie noticed the absurd smell immediately.


Again she said "Max, get out of here i said!"

Again Max didn't bat an eye and just stayed there.


Bart, again relieved that he got away because of his now best friend Max, is... well about to fart again.


This fart was one of those "big ones" you know the one the you know is gonna be bad... like really bad


He tried to hold it in, his face began to turn red, he sweated a lot, he was like having this spiritual battle... with his fart.


And then alas, he failed.


The fart came out in all of it's glory, probably filling the whole room!

Now Annie was full of it, she couldn't stand it, Max had to go.

Annie stood up and said "Max! If you don't get out of here right now you're gonna get shat on!"

Christmas tip: wrap empty boxes & put them under the tree.
Every time your child acts up, throw one in the fireplace.

What did the egg say to the boiling water?

Sorry it's gonna take me some time to get hard, I just got laid by some chick.

Forgive your parents for their mistakes, it's their first time living life too.

My girlfriend said she needs some time and distance.

Is she calculating speed?

My girlfriend said she needs some time and distance.

Is she calculating speed?

Every time I avoid eating Halloween candy I reward myself by eating Halloween candy.

Next time you hear something described as "Government-funded" remember that the government is 100% taxpayer-funded.

Why don’t mummies ever take time off?

They’re afraid to unwind.

A man and a woman were traveling in a train.Woman : Every time you smile,feel like inviting you to my place. Man: ... Are you single?

Woman: No. I'm a dentist.

Physics ? Oh, you mean that thing where I defy gravity every time I walk down a runway?
- Gisele Bündchen

Every time you forget about a cup of tea a small part of the universe dies forever.

A Glaswegian lad takes his girlfriend home for the first time and introduces her to his parents.

"This is Amanda."

His dad jumps up and says, "It's a fucking what?"

Colleague at work asked for advice so I told him to be himself.

Last time I do that. Turns out he's a complete asshole.

I used to be addicted to time travel, but that’s all in the future now.

My ex husband just texted me, "Wish you were here."

He does that every time he walks through a cemetery.

I wish I was as fat as the first time I thought I was fat.

Sometimes I'm scared to sleep because I know when I wake up it's gonna be time to go to work.

My favorite part of my job is assuming I'm fired every time one of my passwords doesn't work.

It’s always awkward the first time you hold hands with someone... because they usually want to know who you are.

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
~ Ernest Hemingway

I don't always have time to write documentation, but when I do, I still don't.

Next time you’re in a fight with your wife,start undressing...She will instantly have a headache and fall asleep.

So many rules; so little time to break them.

If I had a dollar for every time socialism worked, I would have $0.

When I was a kid, bedtime was 9 pm and I couldn't wait to be a grownup so I could go to bed any time I wanted... turns out that's 9 pm.

I’m going to start telling women that I’m available for a "limited time only" in hopes that their shopping instinct kicks in.

What time does Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon? Tennish.

If you don't have anything nice to say I would probably enjoy spending time with you.

Anal sex keeps my gf in shape. Every time I just mention it and she runs a mile from me.

“If one prevents a man from working for the good of society while at the same time providing for the satisfaction of his own needs, then only one way remains open to him: to make himself richer and others poorer by the violent oppression and spoliation of his fellow men.”
- Ludwig von Mises

There is no extra time at a Botox appointment. They keep a pretty tight schedule.

My young son pointed at a lesbian couple kissing in the park...

So i walked over and said, "There's a time and a place for that, ladies"...

They looked at me. "Oh, is there now"...? asked one lady, folding her arms...

I said, "Yes. It's 9pm and my house"...

Every time I see a set of twins, I always ask them: Which one of you is the unplanned one?

I tried bobsleighing for the first time last year. I killed 5 Bobs.

People who fix watches have a lot of time on their hands .

I found out last night that my new girlfriend is a ‘squirter’.
That’s the last time we try knife throwing

If a job interviewer asks about a time you worked as part of a team...
Don't tell them about the orgy.

We’ve just gotten into tantric sex…
It’s been a long time coming!

The first time I had sex, I kept the receipt.

Last time a woman saw me naked for the first time, she screamed and ran out of the park.

My friend told me excessive masturbation can lead to memory loss.
It’s the sixth time he’s told me.

What is the unit of measure for time traveling breasts?
Quan-tities.

When the plums dry on your tree, it's time to prune.

It is funny how my wife waits for me in the kitchen all night till I come back from the pub...
...just to ask me what time it is.

Whats the difference between a girls G spot and a lost pokemon card collection?
A guy will spend as much time as it takes to find the pokemon cards...

Every time I get out of the shower and look into the mirror, I see an asshole.
Maybe I should have installed it at eye level.

The best time to open a gift is the present.

My grandmother just reached 105.

That's the last fu**ing time I get in the car when she's late for bingo!

If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you.

Why do women have two sets of lips?

So they can bitch and moan at the same time 💋