Jokes About Time: Laughing Through the Ages.

Does anyone remember the Swatch, a watch made in Switzerland? Thank god Croatia didn't come up with the idea first. Just imagine if someone were to ask you what time is it? "Oh pardon me while I look at my crotch."

I heard a really good time travel joke tomorrow.

A guy travels into town and notices a sign up in his local gunsmiths. It reads “Hunting season now open”.
Excited, he jumps back in his truck and heads home.
He shouts to his wife that he’s going hunting, and after loading up his truck with what he needs, he drives off to the forest.
After a couple of hours he brings his truck to a stop on top of a hill.... the perfect spot he thinks.
He gets out and uses his binoculars to scan the surrounding area. After a while, he spots a huge grizzly bear on the next hill.
He goes to the trunk and pulls out his 22 calibre rifle. He peers through the scope at the bear and squeezes the trigger. His rifle cracks and he watches the bear fall and roll back down the hill into the bushes.
Excited.... he heads down the hill, up the next hilll and descends down into the bushes.
He roots around... muttering to himself “I know I got that bastard” when he feels a tap on his shoulder.
He turns around and standing in front of him is the bear.
“Now” says the bear “You have a choice.... I can either claw you with my big bear claws. I can bite you with my big bear teeth..... or.... I can fuck you up the ass?”
Knowing his only chance of survival, the hunter undoes his belt and turns around and the bear goes to work.
After around an hour, the hunter finally manages to crawl back to his truck, his ass aching.... and as he pulls himself back onto his feet, he turns around and sees the bear roaming around on the opposite hill again.
“Right you motherfucker” he says, and again heads to his trunk.
This time he pulls out his 308... lines up the sight and squeezes the trigger.
“BANG!!” Again.... he sees the bear fall and roll down the hill into the bushes.
“YES!!” He yells.... still limping, he heads down the hill, up the next hilll and descends down into the bushes.
He roots around... muttering to himself “I know I got that bastard this time” when he feels a tap on his shoulder.
He turns around and standing in front of him is the bear again shaking its head.
“Now” says the bear “You have a choice again.... I can either claw you with my big bear claws. I can bite you with my big bear teeth..... or.... I can fuck you up the ass?”
Still aching.... but again knowing his only chance of survival, the hunter undoes his belt and turns around and the bends over.
An hour later.... and the hunter finally manages to crawl back to his truck, tears streaming down his face . and as he pulls himself back onto his feet, he turns around and sees the bear roaming around on the opposite hill again.
“This time you sick fucker” he says, and again heads to his trunk.
This time he pulls out his elephant gun..... lines up the sight and squeezes the trigger.
“BOOOOOM”... he sees the bear flip into the air, fall and roll down the hill into the bushes.
“YES!!” He cries and again... he heads down the hill, up the next hilll and descends down into the bushes.
Again he searches around... “I know I got that bastard this time” .....when he feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns around and standing in front of him is the bear.
The bear winks at him and says.... “you’re not really here for the shooting are you?”

The first time I had sex, it was in my parent’s bedroom. My girlfriend giggled nervously and moaned, “This is a bit awkward.” I grunted...
“Just ignore them!”

Next time you're having an argument with your wife, start undressing.She will instantly have a headache and go to sleep.

We live in a time when intelligent people are being silenced so that stupid people won't be offended.

"Python: the language where 'batteries included' means you’ll spend
half your time figuring out which library to use."

You can't make the same mistake twice. The second time you make it, it's no longer a mistake, it's a choice.

"I’m not saying my boss is a bad manager, but the last time I saw him, he was holding a 'How to Lose Employees' seminar."

"If time travel is possible, where are the tourists from the future?"
~ Stephen Hawking

“Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and it annoys the pig.”

- Mark Twain

Every time dreams come true the alarm clock turns on.

Next time you hear something described as "Government-funded" remember that the government is 100% taxpayer-funded.

"The four most dangerous words in investing are: 'this time it's different."

Sir John Templeton

Life tip:The best time to search for a job is when you already have one.

You want to make your way in the CS field? Simple. Calculate rough time of amnesia (hell, 10 years is plenty, probably 10 months is plenty), go to the dusty archives, dig out something fun, and go for it. It’s worked for many people, and it can work for you.

-- Ron Minnich

One man's crappy software is another man's full time job.

-- Jessica Gaston

If I had a dollar for every time algebra has helped me in real life, I'd have x dollars.

A vacation is a very expensive way to schedule the time to read a book in peace.

Fun fact.

Every time Sweden and Denmark play a football match, the scoreboard says SWE - DEN.

Interestingly, the letters omitted from the scoreboard spell DEN - MARK.

Next time you hear something described as "Government-funded" remember that the government is 100% taxpayer-funded.

If you think time travel is a hassle now, just wait until yesterday.

Christmas tip: wrap empty boxes & put them under the tree.
Every time your child acts up, throw one in the fireplace.

What did the egg say to the boiling water?

Sorry it's gonna take me some time to get hard, I just got laid by some chick.

Forgive your parents for their mistakes, it's their first time living life too.

My girlfriend said she needs some time and distance.

Is she calculating speed?

My girlfriend said she needs some time and distance.

Is she calculating speed?

Every time I avoid eating Halloween candy I reward myself by eating Halloween candy.

Next time you hear something described as "Government-funded" remember that the government is 100% taxpayer-funded.

Why don’t mummies ever take time off?

They’re afraid to unwind.

A man and a woman were traveling in a train.Woman : Every time you smile,feel like inviting you to my place. Man: ... Are you single?

Woman: No. I'm a dentist.

Physics ? Oh, you mean that thing where I defy gravity every time I walk down a runway?
- Gisele Bündchen

Every time you forget about a cup of tea a small part of the universe dies forever.

A Glaswegian lad takes his girlfriend home for the first time and introduces her to his parents.

"This is Amanda."

His dad jumps up and says, "It's a fucking what?"

Colleague at work asked for advice so I told him to be himself.

Last time I do that. Turns out he's a complete asshole.

I used to be addicted to time travel, but that’s all in the future now.

My ex husband just texted me, "Wish you were here."

He does that every time he walks through a cemetery.

I wish I was as fat as the first time I thought I was fat.

Sometimes I'm scared to sleep because I know when I wake up it's gonna be time to go to work.

My favorite part of my job is assuming I'm fired every time one of my passwords doesn't work.

It’s always awkward the first time you hold hands with someone... because they usually want to know who you are.

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
~ Ernest Hemingway

I don't always have time to write documentation, but when I do, I still don't.

Next time you’re in a fight with your wife,start undressing...She will instantly have a headache and fall asleep.

So many rules; so little time to break them.

If I had a dollar for every time socialism worked, I would have $0.

When I was a kid, bedtime was 9 pm and I couldn't wait to be a grownup so I could go to bed any time I wanted... turns out that's 9 pm.

I’m going to start telling women that I’m available for a "limited time only" in hopes that their shopping instinct kicks in.

What time does Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon? Tennish.

If you don't have anything nice to say I would probably enjoy spending time with you.

Anal sex keeps my gf in shape. Every time I just mention it and she runs a mile from me.

“If one prevents a man from working for the good of society while at the same time providing for the satisfaction of his own needs, then only one way remains open to him: to make himself richer and others poorer by the violent oppression and spoliation of his fellow men.”
- Ludwig von Mises

There is no extra time at a Botox appointment. They keep a pretty tight schedule.

My young son pointed at a lesbian couple kissing in the park...

So i walked over and said, "There's a time and a place for that, ladies"...

They looked at me. "Oh, is there now"...? asked one lady, folding her arms...

I said, "Yes. It's 9pm and my house"...