Morning Jokes - Start Your Day with a Burst of Laughter.

I rushed to the hospital this morning.
The doctor said, "Your wife has been in an accident, and she's got an eight inch wide gash."
I said, "I know doc, but has she suffered any injuries?"

A guy goes to the pharmacist and says, "Listen, these two girls are coming over this weekend, and they are hot, very hot. Would you have something to get me going all night? It's going to be a hell of a party."
The pharmacist goes in the back room, comes back with an old small bottle and says, "This stuff is potent: drink only one ounce of it, and I guarantee that you will be doing the wild thing all night. Let me know how it goes."
The weekend goes by and on Monday morning, the pharmacist goes to work and finds the same guy waiting for him on the door-step. The pharmacist says, "What are you doing here so early? How was your weekend?" The guy replies, "Quick, I need Blue Ice (muscle pain relief).
The pharmacist, knowing what the guy had been doing all weekend, says, "Are you crazy, you can't put that on your penis. The skin is way too sensitive."
The guy says, "No, no, It's not for that, it's for my arm."
Pharmacist: "What?? What happened?"
Guy replies, "Well...I drank the whole bottle of your potion."
Pharmacist: "Oh my god, and then what ? "
"The girls never showed up!"

My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.

I was eating breakfast.

On New Year’s Eve, Chuck Norris promised that he’d lose 20 pounds. The next morning he shaved his chest and smiled as he realized that he’d lost 30.

I called my doctors surgery this morning.

"I need to make an appointment for as soon as possible," I said, "Everything in my ear is echoing."

"Ok," she replied, "How does tomorrow sound?"

I said, "Tomorrow, orrow, row, ow."

Programming is not easy like Sunday morning, it is silent poetry.

-- Waseem Latif

I answered the door this morning.

Felt like a complete idiot when I realized it hadnt said anything...

Every morning a huge German Shepherd poos on my front lawn.

Today, to make matters worse, he brought his dog.

This morning I coughed up a pawn, a knight and a bishop.

I must have a chess infection.

My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.

I was eating breakfast.

Them: what inspires you to get out of bed every morning?

Me: my bladder mostly.

I thought I was on The Voice this morning

I farted on the bus and four people turned around.

I brought my gf coffee in bed this morning. She got excited, hot and wet.

Yeah, I spilled it on her..

I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning
Nestles in the afternoon

I always say 'Morning' instead of 'good morning' because if it was a good morning, I would still be in bed and not talking to people.

Morning blow jobs .

Because it’s faster than making a protein smoothie.

We all deserve morning sex and pancakes.

What does a man with a 12 inch penis eat for breakfast?

This morning I had a boiled egg.

I never thought I'd be the kind of person who'd wake up early in the morning and exercise....
And, I was right.

So I was walking my dog through the cemetery today.
A fella says to me: "Morning"

I said: "No, just walking the dog".

Why did the sperm cross the road?
Because I put on the wrong sock this morning.

Two cows standing next to each other in a field.

Daisy says to Dolly: I was artificially inseminated this morning.

I don't believe you, replies Dolly.

It's true, no bull!

I never thought I'd be the kind of person who'd wake up early in the morning and exercise.

And, I was right.

The police knocked on my door this morning.
"Do the letters H.B mean anything to you?" they asked.
"No," I said.
"What about G.D. then?"
"Nope means nothing to me," I said
"How about A.J?"
"Look," I said, "am I suspected of something?"
"Not at all sir," they said, "we're just making some initial inquiries."

You know you're getting old, when you get up in the morning and have to rest for a while.

I'm full of nerves about my job interview so my brother suggested i put cement powder in my coffee before i go to sleep. It doesnt work, its now the morning of my interview and i'm shitting bricks.

I checked out the conditions of an old tree this morning. I didn't like the sound of its bark.

My next door neighbour knocked my door last night, wearing lingerie and stockings. Asked to borrow a cup of sugar and if I wanted to come over for a night cap

I said, 'Fuck off Dave, I've got work in the bloody morning' .

First Law of Travel: No matter how many rooms there are in the motel, the fellow who starts up his car at five o'clock in the morning is always parked under your window.

The First Discovery of Christmas Morning: Batteries not included.

Cannon's Comment: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.

This morning, my wife said she wanted me to help fix Thanksgiving dinner.
I said, “Why? Is it broken?”

So I went to the doctors this morning...
I said to the receptionist: "I need to see a doctor because I've had a voodoo curse put on me".
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"Yes, he will do.", I said.

The housewife answered a knock on the door and found a total stranger standing on the doorstep.
'Excuse me for disturbing you, ma'am,' he said politely, ' but I pass your house every morning on my way to work, and I've noticed that every day you appear to be hitting your son on the head with a loaf of bread!' 'That's right.' 'Every day you wallop him on the head with a loaf of bread, and yet this morning you were hitting him with a chocolate cake....?' 'Well, today is his birthday!'

An angry housewife met her husband at the front door and immediately noticed he smelled of alcohol and perfume.

"I assume," she said with her most acidic sarcasm, "That there must be a very good reason for your coming home at six o'clock in the morning with booze on your breath and another woman's perfume all over you."

"There is," he said. "I'd like breakfast."

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.
— Winston Churchill

My clock didn't wake me up in the morning. It was an alarming development.

The best part about pooping with the door open in the morning is being able to see everyone’s face at Starbucks.

Most of my bad decisions are made late at night. Also in the morning and afternoon.

Explain to me why I woke up this morning with a cucumber up my Arse , - My wife screamed. You explain to me -
I yelled back - Why you didn't wake up when I put it there.

I’m not a morning person unless you want morning sex.

Bloke 1: 'Saw two girls struggling with those wooden paddle things on a row boat this morning'
Bloke 2: 'Oars?"
Bloke 1: 'No. Seemed like decent girls to me'

As I sat drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, I thought to myself... I really need to buy some mugs.

I was picking up dog poo in the park this morning and thought to myself...
I should really get a dog.

I woke up this morning with a strong sense of déjà vu. That's never happened to me before.

I took a shower this morning. My kleptomania is officially out of control.

My wife just rang me this morning. She said,
"Two packages arrived today. The first was your Playstation 5 and the second is the new Rampant Rabbit vibrator we ordered. I can't wait for you to get home and play with me for hours."
I said, "You'll be fucking lucky... I only ordered one controller."

Attempted to exercise this morning. Didn't work out.

In the mornings I like dick like I like my coffee. Hard.

I’ve joined a wine club. We meet every morning at 9am in the park.

When asked if there'd be morning mist, the weatherman said, "I don't have the foggiest idea."

What did the cashew say on Monday morning? Monday always drives me nuts!

I woke up this morning with trouble with my eyes. I couldn't see going to work.

I called my ex “morning” because he always came early.