Morning Jokes - Start Your Day with a Burst of Laughter.

Why do worms hate getting up in the morning?
Because the early bird catches the worm!

I woke up this morning with a strong sense of déjà vu. That's never happened to me before.

A man was driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave.Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."The man sa,ys, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks."In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door!With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound......But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

I called my ex “morning” because he always came early.

I called my doctors surgery this morning.

"I need to make an appointment for as soon as possible," I said, "Everything in my ear is echoing."

"Ok," she replied, "How does tomorrow sound?"

I said, "Tomorrow, orrow, row, ow."

Programming is not easy like Sunday morning, it is silent poetry.

-- Waseem Latif

I answered the door this morning.

Felt like a complete idiot when I realized it hadnt said anything...

Every morning a huge German Shepherd poos on my front lawn.

Today, to make matters worse, he brought his dog.

This morning I coughed up a pawn, a knight and a bishop.

I must have a chess infection.

My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.

I was eating breakfast.

Them: what inspires you to get out of bed every morning?

Me: my bladder mostly.

I thought I was on The Voice this morning

I farted on the bus and four people turned around.

I brought my gf coffee in bed this morning. She got excited, hot and wet.

Yeah, I spilled it on her..

I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning
Nestles in the afternoon

I always say 'Morning' instead of 'good morning' because if it was a good morning, I would still be in bed and not talking to people.

Morning blow jobs .

Because it’s faster than making a protein smoothie.

We all deserve morning sex and pancakes.

What does a man with a 12 inch penis eat for breakfast?

This morning I had a boiled egg.

I never thought I'd be the kind of person who'd wake up early in the morning and exercise....
And, I was right.

So I was walking my dog through the cemetery today.
A fella says to me: "Morning"

I said: "No, just walking the dog".

Why did the sperm cross the road?
Because I put on the wrong sock this morning.

Two cows standing next to each other in a field.

Daisy says to Dolly: I was artificially inseminated this morning.

I don't believe you, replies Dolly.

It's true, no bull!

I never thought I'd be the kind of person who'd wake up early in the morning and exercise.

And, I was right.

The police knocked on my door this morning.
"Do the letters H.B mean anything to you?" they asked.
"No," I said.
"What about G.D. then?"
"Nope means nothing to me," I said
"How about A.J?"
"Look," I said, "am I suspected of something?"
"Not at all sir," they said, "we're just making some initial inquiries."

You know you're getting old, when you get up in the morning and have to rest for a while.

I'm full of nerves about my job interview so my brother suggested i put cement powder in my coffee before i go to sleep. It doesnt work, its now the morning of my interview and i'm shitting bricks.

I checked out the conditions of an old tree this morning. I didn't like the sound of its bark.

My next door neighbour knocked my door last night, wearing lingerie and stockings. Asked to borrow a cup of sugar and if I wanted to come over for a night cap

I said, 'Fuck off Dave, I've got work in the bloody morning' .

First Law of Travel: No matter how many rooms there are in the motel, the fellow who starts up his car at five o'clock in the morning is always parked under your window.

The First Discovery of Christmas Morning: Batteries not included.

Cannon's Comment: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.

This morning, my wife said she wanted me to help fix Thanksgiving dinner.
I said, “Why? Is it broken?”

So I went to the doctors this morning...
I said to the receptionist: "I need to see a doctor because I've had a voodoo curse put on me".
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"Yes, he will do.", I said.

The housewife answered a knock on the door and found a total stranger standing on the doorstep.
'Excuse me for disturbing you, ma'am,' he said politely, ' but I pass your house every morning on my way to work, and I've noticed that every day you appear to be hitting your son on the head with a loaf of bread!' 'That's right.' 'Every day you wallop him on the head with a loaf of bread, and yet this morning you were hitting him with a chocolate cake....?' 'Well, today is his birthday!'

An angry housewife met her husband at the front door and immediately noticed he smelled of alcohol and perfume.

"I assume," she said with her most acidic sarcasm, "That there must be a very good reason for your coming home at six o'clock in the morning with booze on your breath and another woman's perfume all over you."

"There is," he said. "I'd like breakfast."

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.
— Winston Churchill

My clock didn't wake me up in the morning. It was an alarming development.

The best part about pooping with the door open in the morning is being able to see everyone’s face at Starbucks.

Most of my bad decisions are made late at night. Also in the morning and afternoon.

Explain to me why I woke up this morning with a cucumber up my Arse , - My wife screamed. You explain to me -
I yelled back - Why you didn't wake up when I put it there.

I’m not a morning person unless you want morning sex.

Bloke 1: 'Saw two girls struggling with those wooden paddle things on a row boat this morning'
Bloke 2: 'Oars?"
Bloke 1: 'No. Seemed like decent girls to me'

As I sat drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, I thought to myself... I really need to buy some mugs.

I was picking up dog poo in the park this morning and thought to myself...
I should really get a dog.

I woke up this morning with a strong sense of déjà vu. That's never happened to me before.

I took a shower this morning. My kleptomania is officially out of control.

My wife just rang me this morning. She said,
"Two packages arrived today. The first was your Playstation 5 and the second is the new Rampant Rabbit vibrator we ordered. I can't wait for you to get home and play with me for hours."
I said, "You'll be fucking lucky... I only ordered one controller."

Attempted to exercise this morning. Didn't work out.

In the mornings I like dick like I like my coffee. Hard.

I’ve joined a wine club. We meet every morning at 9am in the park.

When asked if there'd be morning mist, the weatherman said, "I don't have the foggiest idea."

What did the cashew say on Monday morning? Monday always drives me nuts!

I woke up this morning with trouble with my eyes. I couldn't see going to work.

I called my ex “morning” because he always came early.