Don't Say We Didn't Warn You: The Internet's Worst Jokes.

To all men, if you take your girl to a Chinese restaurant, whatever they order will let you know the outcome of the date. If she orders WON TON, it means NOT NOW!!!

“Owww! I broke my big toe!”
“Do you need an ambulance?”
“No, just call a toe truck.”

I remember when boy scouts would go around fixing car horns on everybody's vehicles. They stayed true to their motto, 'Beep Repaired'.

What did the skeleton say before it ate?
"Bone-appetit."

Girl - -Do your socks have holes in them?- Boy - -No- Girl - -Then how did you get your feet in?-

Induction: The act of inserting ducks.
Deduction: The act of removing ducks.

What’s grey and can’t fly? A parking lot.

Wife: Honey I’m pregnant.
Me: Well… what do we do now?
Wife: I guess we should go to a baby doctor.
Me: Hm... I think I’d be a lot more comfortable going to an adult doctor.

What group of people never get angry?
The nomads.

When a left-hander writes with his left hand, does his left hand become his write hand. I say yes. Even though I am left-handed, am I right?

COP PULLS OVER A DRUNK DRIVER and says: The answer to this question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?!

What do donkeys on Blackpool beach get for lunch !!!!!
Half an hour like everyone else...

This morning I made a Belgian waffle. Later, in the afternoon I made a Frenchman hesitate.

I was sitting in traffic the other day...
Probably why I got run over.

Inventor of pocket calculator dies at age of 9 × 9.

T- shirt is the abbreviation of Tyrannosaurus shirt.
You know. Because of the short arms.

How does a mouse save another mouse from drowning ? With mouse-to-mouse resuscitation .

I went to the barbers to get my hair cut, the barber said would you like it cut around the back, i said no, here in the salon is fine.

I saw a sign in a shop window that said, 'Watch batteries fitted £5.50.'
I thought, "Why would anyone pay to see that?

One cardiologist said his success seemed to be in the cards!

I went to view a house on a Native American reservation:
"I like it" I said, "does it come with running water?"
He said, "No, get your own wife."

I dont know what just happened at the check-in desk, the woman said "window or aisle" i replied "window or you'll what?"

What has 5 fingers, but isn't your hand?
My hand.

What do you call an alligator with a law degree?
A litigator

Why didn't Edward return to America?
He was Snowden.

I THOUGHT I WAS LOSING IT 🥴 how come?! I've got nothing to lose...

What's yellow and goes bzzzzz? An electric lemon.

I tried to date a 16 year old girl but I couldn't
Why?
Coz she smelled like teen spirit ...

My doctor told me to drink two glasses of red wine after a hot bath but I can't even finish drinking the hot bath.

One of astronauts first missions was to watch the Earth rotate from space. After 24 hours they got bored & called it a day.

Apparently I was a bell in my former life.
So I've been tolled.

What do you get when you cross a dinosaur with a pig?
Jurassic Pork.

Last night my can opener broke.
Now I have a can't opener.

I bought my canoe at 50% off. It was a sale boat.

An intelligent woman is a woman with whom a man can be as stupid as he wants!

The sign said “WET PAINT” so I emptied my water bottle on it.
I’m currently waiting on further instructions.

I don't think we do get smarter as we get older.
I just think we run out of stupid things to do.

I asked the pet shop guy for a goldfish. He said: "Do you want an aquarium?"
I said: "I don’t care what it's star sign is"

Fishing License? That's just dumb.
You can't even drive a fish.

I got food posioning yesterday...

I haven't used it yet.

I was cleaning my flat today when I thought...
Why don't I just buy a new tire?

*throws butter out the window*

Me: look at that butterfly.

I used to love eating chips until I got barred from the casino.

You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

Do you know why the Tin Man drinks oil?...
Because he CAN...

A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night....

...oof !!

A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
"What's wrong with you?" asks his wife.
"I thought I'd save my £2 bus fare by running behind the bus" gasps the man.
"You idiot" says his wife.
"If you'd run home behind a taxi you could've saved £15!"

Parachute lessons only £2.
No strings attached.

I didn’t think anyone but me knew why the medicine cabinet smelled like deodorant, but it turned out to be an open Secret.

I keep seeing TIA and never know what it means. Can anyone tell me?

Thanks in advance.