Don't Say We Didn't Warn You: The Internet's Worst Jokes.

A 9 year old girl has disappeared after using moisturiser that makes you 10 years younger...

I've decided I cannot blame Pizza Hut for my weight gain. If I'm being honest, it was more of a Domino effect.

Molly: you remind me of a man
Polly: what man?
Molly: the man with the power
Polly: what power?
Molly: the power of voodoo
Polly: oo doo?
Molly: you do
Polly: do what?
Molly: remind me of a man...

If you're waiting for the waiter, doesn't that make you a waiter?

Little-known fact:
A pronoun is an upgrade from an amateur noun.

Q: Where can you find the biggest amount of the largest sized women's lingerie in the world?
A: In Africa: there's thousands of Z bras.

Times have really changed. I remember, as a kid I could go to the store with a dollar and come home with three bags of chips, two candy bars and a beverage.
Now they have cameras everywhere.

When the bartender delivered the drink, the cowboy asked, "Where is everybody?"
The bartender replied, "They've all gone to the hanging."
"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"
"Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied.
"What kind of a name is that?"
"Well," said the bartender, "He wears a brown paper hat, a brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper boots."
"Weird guy," said the cowboy, "What are they hanging him for?"
"Rustling."

Man A: Can you Help me with this crossword
Man B: Sure
Man A: 4 Across Postman's satchel
Man B: How many letters?
Man A: Thousands I'd imagine.

It wasn't until I'd replaced all the windows in my house l realised l had a crack in my glasses.

Went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own wife?
Explain to me why I pay taxes.

Did you hear about the man who brought a sleeping bag ?
He spent two hours trying to wake it up.

Father having a heart attack says to his son,
"You have to call me an ambulance."
Son: "You're an ambulance"
Father (with last breath): "I'm so proud of you son".

My wife says I need to put on the mask before I leave the house. I always do.
I'm sure my dog is sick of that stupid movie though.

I own a shop selling Closed Signs,
We haven't had a single customer.

Is it cheating if your dog licks your balls?

A sperm donor, a carpenter and Julius Caesar walked into a bar.
He came, he saw, he conquered.

Imagine if vampires had blunt teeth and couldn't bite you?

They would just suck.

"If you fall, I'll be there."
-Floor

Did you ever realize that the word “bed” actually looks like a bed 🛌?

I saw an advert on tv for coconut shampoo !
Who on earth would want to wash a coconut? 🤔

Pls can I actually become a doctor by showing hospitality to people ?

I had a dog with no legs, called him cigarette.
Because I took him out every night for a drag.

Guy got his luxury car t-boned in an accident.
Suppose he saw how the Mercedes-Benz.

I think my cell phone is broken. I pressed the home button Buh I'm still in the office.

I just purchased a cook book, not available on Amazon.
It teaches how to cook books.

Sad news yesterday, the chap who invented predictive text has passed away.
His funfair is next monkey.

“I’m going to take a shower”
“Make sure you put it back when you’re done!”

Just finished writing a book on penguins.
With hindsight I should have written it on paper

I have the memory of an elephant!
I went to the Zoo when I was 9 and saw an elephant.
I remember it.

Would spellcheck spell cheque cheque or would spellcheck spell cheque check??
🤔

A woman woke up during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.

She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring
at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee...

"What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room.

The husband looks up from his coffee, "I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. Do you remember back then?", he says solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.

Yes, I do", she replies.

The husband pauses.

The words were not coming easily.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in my car?"

'Yes, I remember", says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues.

Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said,
"Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?""

'I remember that also", she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...
"I would have been released today if only I took the right decision!

And the fight started.

I was watching an Australian cookery program and the audience cheered when the chef made a meringue.
I was surprised as the Australians normally boomerang.

If a bar of soap falls on the ground Is the soap dirty or the floor clean???

What's yellow and smells like bananas?
Monkey vomit.

Did you know that 10 out of 10 people die from death?

What did the bed say to the sheets?
"You gotta stop "sheeting " on me.

For a woman, romance is roses on a piano.
For a man, it’s tulips on an organ.

I asked a friend why she prefers Russian porn.
She said because Russian porn gets me Soviet.

Son: "I wonder what is at the end of the internet."

Dad: (talking behind his newspaper)"..The letter "t"..."
😎

What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
Wheres my tractor?

Did you hear about the missing Scandinavian airline pilot?
He simply vanished into Finnair!

If you pee in your dream and actually wet the bed, that’s technically a dream come true.

I went to the store to pick up 6 cans of Sprite for the week-end.

It wasn't until I got home that I realized I'd picked 7 up.

People must not cough near you, they must cough far away. If you hear someone coughing, tell them to... far cough.

😂😂😂

A loser is having a hard time picking up chicks, so his well traveled friend takes him to a nightclub in Daytona where he tells him that he will score for sure. The loser enters the bar, sees his prey, and begins to barrage her with pick up lines that he acquired from his friend. The young lady continues to ignore him but finally gives in. She says " OK, I'll spend the night with you, but I've got to let you know up front that I'm on my menstrual cycle. The loser looks at her and says " That's OK. I'll follow you on my Moped.

My wife asked me if I would load the dishwasher and got mad when I got her a bottle of wine.

-Are you all right?
-No, I'm half left.

Time flies like an arrow.

Fruit flys like a banana.

Because they've spent all their cash on booze during a night on the town, Dave and Eric have no money for a taxi home.
Dave has a drunken idea. "Let's steal a bus!"
He persuades Eric to break into the bus station. But 20 minutes later, Eric has failed to emerge.
Dave sticks his head round the door. "What on earth are you doing?"
"I can't find a number seven anywhere," says a distressed Eric.
"You idiot," shouts Dave, shaking his head in disbelief. "Just steal a number nine. We can get off at the roundabout and walk the rest of the way."