A Goldmine of Gut-Busting Jokes!

I said to my short sighted barber, "who's ear is that on the floor?" He said "put your finger in it, if it's still warm, it's yours".

I was going to buy a book on phobias, but I was afraid it wouldn’t help me.

Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one tale.

With profound regret I have to announce the dissolution of the origami group. It folded last week.

I got really mad at the lady plumber I used while we were down in the man hole.
- Sewer?
You bet I will !

I've got a couple of sock hand puppets for sale if anybody is interested in taking them off of my hands.

Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.

It's half empty.

I entered my son’s room and said, "Remember, boy, masturbating can make you go blind."

“I'm over here dad,” he replied.

A friend asked “As a little guy, was your mum super strict with you?”...

I said, “My mum was never a little guy”.

It's awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you don't know the man and he doesn't know you're eating his popcorn.

What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? SUPPLIES!

Son: Dad, how do I catch electric eels?

Dad: Easy - you just throw a click bait into the water.

Son: Got it. What's next?

Dad: What happens next will shock you!

When I heard my sofa had been stolen, I thought "I'm not going to take this sitting down".

I asked my son how old spiderman was,he said,look on his web site...

This guy stopped me the other day and asked for directions to the army barracks. I said, "left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right".

Why don't worms have balls? Because they can't dance!!

The hospital you were born in is the only building you left without entering.

Q: Is Google male or female?
A: Female, obviously,because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

What's the definition of a will?
it's a dead give away.

"Are those lentils expired?"
"Nah, they're pretty relentiless"

Welcome to the amnesia information website.
Please enter your 32 digit password.

The furniture store keeps calling me to come back. But all I wanted was one night stand

I visited China once and while I was there I bought myself a new pair of shoes. On the sole was a sticker which said....Made around corner.

That awkward moment when you say goodbye to someone and then both walk in the same direction.

Why do we tell actors to “break a leg?”
Because every play has a cast.

Me: Wow that onion was strong!
Son: How did it get so strong?
Me: Exercise.
Son: I don't think onions exercise.
Me: That's why they're usually not as strong as this one was.

What's the difference between a jailer and a jeweler?
One sells watches and the other watches cells.

After my vacuum cleaner broke I realized it was the only thing in my life that doesn’t suck.

It’s silly how we spend money on clothes when naked is free.

If you don't have anything nice to say, say it anyway, because it might be really really funny.

The walls at our local tennis equipment factory are so thin, that when you walk by, all you can hear is people making a racket...

I was once asked on a date by a beautiful woman with a really loud voice.

I had to turn her down.

I watched my first porn movie last night..
Man I looked young back then...

My local tax office is a lovely place to work. Everybody counts.

What's round and angry?

A vicious circle.

Guy: Hi cutie
Lady: Hello
Guy: My name is Solomon
Lady: So?
Guy: Lomon 🧙‍♂️

Show me a person who is happy sober and I'll show you a lying asshole. 😆

If you are arguing with your sex partner , you're actually wasting your fucking time.

I broke my finger last week.
On the other hand,Im okay!

I once lived just a stones throw away from a family who all died of mysterious head injuries.

No matter how kind you are, german children are kinder.

Coronavirus will not last long because it made in China.

How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
Kick his sister in the jaw.

Know what a 6.9 is?
Another good thing screwed up by a period.

One night a little girl walks in on her parents having sex. The mother is going up and down on the father and when she sees her daughter looking at them she immediately stops. “What are you doing, Mommy?” The mother too embarassed to tell her little girl about sex so she makes up an answer. “Well, sweetie, sometimes daddy’s tummy gets too big so I have to jump up and down on it to flatten it out.” The little girl replies, “Well, mommy you really shouldn’t bother with that.” The mother has a confused look on her face, “Why do you say that sweetheart?” The little girl replies, “Because mommy, everytime you leave in the morning, the lady next door comes over and blows it back up.”

How is a woman like a condom?
Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

I bought a racehorse today, I called him My Face.
I don’t care if he doesn’t win, I just want to hear a load of posh twats shouting, “Come on My Face.”

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

What did the banana say to the vibrator?
Why are you shaking? She’s gonna eat me!

Boy in the bath with his mum.
Boy says, “Whats that hairy thing mum?”
Mum replies, “That is my sponge.”
“Oh yes,” says the boy, “The babysitters got one, I’ve seen her washing dads face with it.”

If you really want to know about mistakes, you should ask your parents.