Jokes About Time: Laughing Through the Ages.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He decides what time it is.

The stock market is weird. Every time one guy sells, another one buys, and they both think they're smart.

Economists' Laws:
What men learn from history is that men do not learn from history.
If on an actuarial basis there is a 50-50 chance that something will go wrong, it will actually go wrong nine times out of ten.
Edington's Theory: The number of different hypotheses erected to explain a given biological phenomenon is inversely proportional to the available knowledge.
Law of Editorial Correction: Anyone nit-picking enough to write a letter of correction to an editor doubtless deserves the error that provoked it.
Ehrlich's Rule: The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
Ehrman's Commentary: Things will get worse before they will get better. Who said things would get better?
Eliot's Observation: Nothing is so good as it seems beforehand.
Ellenberg's Theory: One good turn gets most of the blanket.
Emerson's Insight: That which we call sin in others is experiment for us.
Old Engineer's Law: The larger the project or job, the less time there is to do it.
The "Enough Already" Law: The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
Extended Epstein-Heisenberg Principle: In an R & D orbit, only 2 of the existing 3 parameters can be defined simultaneously. The parameters are: task, time, and resources ($). 1) If one knows what the task is, and there is a time limit allowed for the completion of the task, then one cannot guess how much it will cost. 2) If the time and resources ($) are clearly defined, then it is impossible to know what part of the R & D task will be performed. 3) If you are given a clearly defined R & D goal and a definte amount of money which has been calculated to be necessary for the completion of the task, one cannot predict if and when the goal will be reached. 4) If one is lucky enough to be able to accurately define all three parameters, then what one is dealing with is not in the realm of R & D.
Epstein's Law: If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it.
Ettorre's Observation: The other line moves faster.
Corollary: Don't try to change lines. The other line -- the one you were in originally -- will then move faster.
Evans's Law of Politics: When team members are finally in a position to help the team, it turns out they have quit the team.
Evelyn's Rules for Bureaucratic Survival:
A bureaucrat's castle is his desk . . . and parking place. Proceed cautiously when changing either.
On the theory that one should never take anything for granted, follow up on everything, but especially those items varying from the norm. The greater the divergence from normal routine and/or the greater the number of offices potentially involved, the better the chance a never-to-be-discovered person will file the problem away in a drawer specifically designed for items requiring a decision.
Never say without qualification that your activity has sufficient space, money, staff, etc.
Always distrust offices not under your jurisdiction which say that they are there to serve you. "Support" offices in a bureaucracy tend to grow in size and make demands on you out of proportion to their service, and in the end require more effort on your part than their service is worth.
Corollary: Support organizations can always prove success by showing service to someone . . . not necessarily you.
Incompetents often hire able assistants.
Everitt's Form of the Second Law of Thermodynamics: Confusion (entropy) is always increasing in society. Only if someone or something works extremely hard can this confusion be reduced to order in a limited region. Nevertheless, this effort will stil result in an increase in the total confusion of society at large.
Eve's Discovery: At a bargain sale, the only suit or dress that you like best and that fits is the one not on sale.
Adam's Corollary: It's easy to tell when you've got a bargain -- it doesn't fit.
Nonreciprocal Laws of Expectations:
Negative expectations yield negative results.
Positive expectations yield negative results.
First Law of Expert Advice: Don't ask the barber whether you need a haircut.

"Waste no more time arguing about what a good man should be. Be one."
- Marcus Aurelius

Every time I see a set of twins, I always ask them: Which one of you is the unplanned one?

I tried bobsleighing for the first time last year. I killed 5 Bobs.

People who fix watches have a lot of time on their hands .

I found out last night that my new girlfriend is a ‘squirter’.
That’s the last time we try knife throwing

If a job interviewer asks about a time you worked as part of a team...
Don't tell them about the orgy.

We’ve just gotten into tantric sex…
It’s been a long time coming!

The first time I had sex, I kept the receipt.

Last time a woman saw me naked for the first time, she screamed and ran out of the park.

My friend told me excessive masturbation can lead to memory loss.
It’s the sixth time he’s told me.

What is the unit of measure for time traveling breasts?
Quan-tities.

When the plums dry on your tree, it's time to prune.

It is funny how my wife waits for me in the kitchen all night till I come back from the pub...
...just to ask me what time it is.

Whats the difference between a girls G spot and a lost pokemon card collection?
A guy will spend as much time as it takes to find the pokemon cards...

Every time I get out of the shower and look into the mirror, I see an asshole.
Maybe I should have installed it at eye level.

The best time to open a gift is the present.

My grandmother just reached 105.

That's the last fu**ing time I get in the car when she's late for bingo!

If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you.

Why do women have two sets of lips?

So they can bitch and moan at the same time 💋

I took my flat tire to the repair shop and told them they could take as much time as they needed to fix it. There was no pressure.

One time Mick Jagger called Kate, Carrie-Ann and Elisabeth for a meeting. It’s the only time a Rolling Stone gathered Moss.

Every time you light a lighter, your lighter gets lighter until your lighter gets so light it won't light.

This is my fourth visit to Turkey in 3 years, and every time it's the same old thing. 10 camels for your beautiful wife

And every time I tell them to fuck off, before winking at the wife.

If she is that fucking beautiful, why the fuck are they trying to sell her back to me.

The Dalai Lama spends a lot of time in Vegas.
.
I heard it's because he likes Tibet.

"How the fuck did they get my number?"
Me, every time my phone rings.

I keep meeting bi women on the apps.
Every time I say hello they say Byeee.

" Some talk to you in their free time and some free their time to talk to you..."

I've got no home, no control, and no escape.
Guess it's time for me to get a new keyboard.

Marry a man who is older than you so by the time you start losing your beauty, he will also be losing his eyesight.

What do people with a lot of time do in the shopping mall ?
- Fart around.

It’s always awkward the first time you hold hands with someone... because they usually want to know who you are and why you just grabbed them.

Flip flops are fun because every time you take a step it's like a high-five for your feet.

Woods's Laws of Procrastination:
Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
Procrastinate today! (Tomorrow may be too late.)
NOW is the time to do things later!
If at first you don't succeed, why try again?

Wolf's Law of Management: The tasks to do immediately are the minor ones; otherwise, you'll forget them. The major ones are often better to defer. They usually need more time for reflection. Besides, if you forget them, they'll remind you.

Wolf's Law (An Optimistic View of a Pessimistic World): It isn't that things will necessarily go wrong (Murphy's Law), but rather that they will take so much more time and effort than you think if they are not to go wrong.

Westheimer's Rule: To estimate the time it takes to do a task: estimate the time you think it should take, multiply by 2, and change the unit of measure to the next highest unit. Thus we allocate 2 days for a one hour task.

Law of Triviality: The time spent on any item of the agenda will be in inverse proportion to the sum involved.

Trischmann's Paradox (Axiom of the Pipe): A pipe gives a wise man time to think and a fool something to stick in his mouth.

Short's Quotations:

Any great truth can -- and eventually will -- be expressed as a cliche. A cliche is a sure and certain way to dilute an idea. For instance, my grandmother used to say, "The black cat is always the last one off the fence." I have no idea what she meant, but at one time it was undoubtedly true.
Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at.
Malpractice makes malperfect.
Neurosis is a communicable disease.
The only winner in the War of 1812 was Tchaikovsky.
Nature abhors a hero. For one thing, he violates the law of conservation of energy. For another, how can it be the survival of the fittest when the fittest keeps putting himself in situations where he is most likely to be creamed?
A little ignorance can go a long way.
Learn to be sincere. Even if you have to fake it.
There is no such thing as an absolute truth -- that is absolutely true.
Understanding the laws of nature does not mean we are free from obeying them.
Entropy has us outnumbered.
The human race never solves any of its problems -- it only outlives them.
Hell hath no fury like a pacifist.

Shelton's Laws of Pocket Calculators:

Rechargeable batteries die at the most critical time of the most complex problem.
When a rechargeable battery starts to die in the middle of a complex calculation, and the user attempts to connect house current, the calculator will clear itself.
The final answer will exceed the magnitude or precision or both of the calculator.
There are not enough storage registers to solve the problem.
The user will forget mathematics in proportion to the complexity of the calculator.
Thermal paper will run out before the calculation is complete.

Segal's Law: A man with one watch knows what time it is; a man with two watches is never sure.

Rodriguez's Observation: A consultant is someone who, when hired to find out what time it is, borrows your watch to find out.
Corollary (Martin): If you hire a consultant to read your own watch to you, you got your money's worth.

Robertson's Law: Everything happens at the same time with nothing in between.

My mate who has a stutter, was telling us about his Nana.

By the time he finished, we were all singing Hey Jude.

The last time I was involved in sexual intercourse was when I was a sperm.

Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take the time to take the dirt out of them?

Professional's Law: Doctors, dentists, and lawyers are only on time for appointments when you're not.

Plotnick's Law: The time of departure will be delayed by the square of the number of people involved.

Axiom of the Pipe. (Trischmann's Paradox): A pipe gives a wise man time to think and a fool something to stick in his mouth.

Peter's Placebo: An ounce of image is worth a pound of performance. Peter's Prognosis: Spend sufficient time in confirming the need and the need will disappear.

Peter Principle: In every hierarchy, whether it be government or business, each employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence; every post tends to be filled by an employee incompetent to execute its duties. Corollaries:
Incompetence knows no barriers of time or place.
Work is accomplished by those employees who have not yet reached their level of incompetence.
If at first you don't succeed, try something else.