Jokes About Time: Laughing Through the Ages.

“You either like me or you don’t. It took me twenty-something years to learn how to love myself, I don’t have that kinda time to convince somebody else.”
— Daniel Franzese

Sadat's Reminder: Those who invented the law of supply and demand have no right to complain when this law works against their interest.
Sam's Axioms:
Any line, however short, is still too long.
Work is the crabgrass of life, but money is the water that keeps it green.
Sattinger's Law: It works better if you plug it in.
Sattler's Law: There are 32 points to the compass, meaning that there are 32 directions in which a spoon can squirt grapefruit; yet, the juice almost invariably flies straight into the human eye.
Saunders's Discovery: Laziness is the mother of nine inventions out of ten.
Sayre's Third Law of Politics: Academic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics, because the stakes are so low.
Schenk's First Principle of Industrial Market Economics: Good salesmen and good repairmen will never go hungry.
Schickel's TV Theorems:
Any dramatic series the producers want us to take seriously as a representation of contemporary reality cannot be taken seriously as a representation of anything -- except a show to be ignored by anyone capable of sitting upright in a chair and chewing gum simultaneously.
The only programs a grown-up can possibly stand are those intended for children. Or, more properly, those that cater to those pre-adolescent fantasies that most have never abandoned.
Schmidt's Law: Never eat prunes when you're hungry.
Schmidt's Law (probably a different Schmidt): If you mess with something long enough, it'll break.
Schuckit's Law: All interference in human conduct has the potential for causing harm, no matter how innocuous the procedure may be.
Schultze's Law: If you can't measure output, then you measure input.
Schumpeter's Observation of Scientific and Nonscientific Theories: Any theory can be made to fit any facts by means of appropriate additional assumptions.
Old Scottish Prayer: O Lord, grant that we may always be right, for Thou knowest we will never change our minds.
Scott's First Law: No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right.
Scott's Second Law: When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found to have been correct in the first place.
Corollary: After the correction has been found in error, it will be impossible to fit the original quantity back into the equation.
Screwdriver Syndrome: Sometimes, where a complex problem can be illuminated by many tools, one can be forgiven for applying the one he knows best.
Segal's Law: A man with one watch knows what time it is; a man with two watches is never sure.
Law of Selective Gravity (the Buttered Side Down Law): An object will fall so as to do the most damage.
Corollary (Klipstein): The most delicate component will be the one to drop.
Sells's Law: The first sample is always the best.
Laws of Serendipity:
In order to discover anything you must be looking for something.
If you wish to make an improved product, you must already be engaged in making an inferior one.
Sevareid's Law: The chief cause of problems is solutions.
Shaffer's Law: The effectiveness of a politician varies in inverse proportion to his commitment to principle.
Shalit's Law: The intensity of movie publicity is in inverse ratio to the quality of the movie.
Shanahan's Law: The length of a meeting rises with the square of the number of people present.
Sharkey's Fourth Law of Motion: Passengers on elevators constantly rearrange their positions as people get on and off so there is at all times an equal distance between all bodies.
Shaw's Principle: Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it.
Shelton's Laws of Pocket Calculators:
Rechargeable batteries die at the most critical time of the most complex problem.
When a rechargeable battery starts to die in the middle of a complex calculation, and the user attempts to connect house current, the calculator will clear itself.
The final answer will exceed the magnitude or precision or both of the calculator.
There are not enough storage registers to solve the problem.
The user will forget mathematics in proportion to the complexity of the calculator.
Thermal paper will run out before the calculation is complete.
Shirley's Law: Most people deserve each other.
Short's Quotations:
Any great truth can -- and eventually will -- be expressed as a cliche. A cliche is a sure and certain way to dilute an idea. For instance, my grandmother used to say, "The black cat is always the last one off the fence." I have no idea what she meant, but at one time it was undoubtedly true.
Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at.
Malpractice makes malperfect.
Neurosis is a communicable disease.
The only winner in the War of 1812 was Tchaikovsky.
Nature abhors a hero. For one thing, he violates the law of conservation of energy. For another, how can it be the survival of the fittest when the fittest keeps putting himself in situations where he is most likely to be creamed?
A little ignorance can go a long way.
Learn to be sincere. Even if you have to fake it.
There is no such thing as an absolute truth -- that is absolutely true.
Understanding the laws of nature does not mean we are free from obeying them.
Entropy has us outnumbered.
The human race never solves any of its problems -- it only outlives them.
Hell hath no fury like a pacifist.
Law of Selective Gravity: An object will fall so as to do the most damage.
Sevareid's Law: The chief cause of problems is solutions.
Mother Sigafoos's Observation: A man should be greater than some of his parts.
Simmon's Law: The desire for racial integration increases with the square of the distance from the actual event.
Simon's Law: Everything put together sooner or later falls apart.
Sinner's Law of Retaliation: Do whatever your enemies don't want you to do.
Skinner's Constant (Flannegan's Finagling Factor): That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided into, added to, or subtracted from the answer you got, gives you the answer you should have gotten.
Skole's Rule for Antique Dealers: Never simply say, "Sorry, we don't have what you're looking for." Always say, "Too bad, I just sold one the other day."
Law of Slide Presentation: In any slide presentation, at least one slide will be upside down or backwards, or both.
Smith's Principles of Bureaucratic Tinkertoys:
Never use one word when a dozen will suffice.
If it can be understood, it's not finished yet.
Never be the first to do anything.
Snafu Equations:
Given any problem containing n equations, there will be n+1 unknowns.
An object or bit of information most needed, will be least available.
In any human endeavor, once you have exhausted all possibilities and fail, there will be one solution, simple and obvious, highly visible to everyone else.
Badness comes in waves.
First Law of Socio-Economics: In a hierarchical system, the rate of pay for a given task increases in inverse ratio to the unpleasantness and difficulty of the task.
First Law of Socio-Genetics: Celibacy is not hereditary.
Woods's Refutation of the First Law of Socio-Genetics: On the contrary, if you never procreate, neither will your kids.
Sociology's Iron Law of Oligarchy: In every organized activity, no matter the sphere, a small number will become the oligarchical leaders and the others will follow.
Sodd's First Law: When a person attempts a task, he or she will be thwarted in that task by the unconscious intervention of some other presence (animate or inanimate). Nevertheless, some tasks are completed, since the intervening presence is itself attempting a task and is, of course, subject to interference.
Sodd's Second Law: Sooner or later, the worst possible set of circumstances is bound to occur.
Corollary: Any system must be designed to withstand the worst possible set of circumstances.
Sodd's Other Law: The degree of failure is in direct proportion to the effort expended and to the need for success.
Grandma Soderquist's Conclusion: A chicken doesn't stop scratching just because the worms are scarce.
Spare Parts Principle: The accessibility, during recovery of small parts which fall from the work bench, varies directly with the size of the part and inversely with its importance to the completion of the work underway.
Spark's Ten Rules for the Project Manager:
Strive to look tremendously important.
Attempt to be seen with important people.
Speak with authority; however, only expound on the obvious and proven facts.
Don't engage in arguments, but if cornered, ask an irrelevant question and lean back with a satisfied grin while your opponent tries to figure out what's going on -- then quickly change the subject.
Listen intently while others are arguing the problem. Pounce on a trite statement and bury them with it.
If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, look at him as if he had lost his senses. When he looks down, paraphrase the question back at him.
Obtain a brilliant assignment, but keep out of sight and out of the limelight.
Walk at a fast pace when out of the office -- this keeps questions from subordinates and superiors at a minimum.
Always keep the office door closed. This puts visitors on the defensive and also makes it look as if you are always in an important conference.
Give all orders verbally. Never write anything down that might go into a "Pearl Harbor File."
Specht's Meta-Law: Under any conditions, anywhere, whatever you are doing, there is some ordinance under which you can be booked.
Sprinkle's Law: Things always fall at right angles.
Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy: Everyone should believe in something -- I believe I'll have another drink.
Steinbeck's Law: When you need towns, they are very far apart.
Stephens's Soliloquy: Finality is death. Perfection is finality. Nothing is perfect. There are lumps in it.
Stewart's Law of Retroaction: It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
Stockbroker's Declaration: The market will rally from this or lower levels.
Stock Market Axiom: The public is always wrong.
Stock's Observation: You no sooner get your head above water than someone pulls your flippers off.
Sturgeon's Law: Ninety percent of everything is crud.
Sueker's Note: If you need n items of anything, you will have n - 1 in stock.
Suhor's Law: A little ambiguity never hurt anyone.
Law of Superiority: The first example of superior principle is always inferior to the developed example of inferior principle.
Law of Superstition: It's bad luck to be superstititious.
Survival Formula for Public Office:
Exploit the inevitable (which means, take credit for anything good which happens whether you had anything to do with it or not).
Don't disturb the perimeter (meaning don't stir up a mess unless you can be sure of the result).
Stay in with the Outs (the Ins will make so many mistakes, you can't afford to alienate the Outs).
Don't permit yourself to get between a dog and a lamppost.
Sutton's Law: Go where the money is.
Swipple's Rule of Order: He who shouts loudest has the floor.

My mate who has a stutter, was telling us about his Nana.

By the time he finished, we were all singing Hey Jude.

With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it's only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy's truck leaves him too.

Every time I see a set of twins, I always ask them: Which one of you is the unplanned one?

I tried bobsleighing for the first time last year. I killed 5 Bobs.

People who fix watches have a lot of time on their hands .

I found out last night that my new girlfriend is a ‘squirter’.
That’s the last time we try knife throwing

If a job interviewer asks about a time you worked as part of a team...
Don't tell them about the orgy.

We’ve just gotten into tantric sex…
It’s been a long time coming!

The first time I had sex, I kept the receipt.

Last time a woman saw me naked for the first time, she screamed and ran out of the park.

My friend told me excessive masturbation can lead to memory loss.
It’s the sixth time he’s told me.

What is the unit of measure for time traveling breasts?
Quan-tities.

When the plums dry on your tree, it's time to prune.

It is funny how my wife waits for me in the kitchen all night till I come back from the pub...
...just to ask me what time it is.

Whats the difference between a girls G spot and a lost pokemon card collection?
A guy will spend as much time as it takes to find the pokemon cards...

Every time I get out of the shower and look into the mirror, I see an asshole.
Maybe I should have installed it at eye level.

The best time to open a gift is the present.

My grandmother just reached 105.

That's the last fu**ing time I get in the car when she's late for bingo!

If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you.

Why do women have two sets of lips?

So they can bitch and moan at the same time 💋

I took my flat tire to the repair shop and told them they could take as much time as they needed to fix it. There was no pressure.

One time Mick Jagger called Kate, Carrie-Ann and Elisabeth for a meeting. It’s the only time a Rolling Stone gathered Moss.

Every time you light a lighter, your lighter gets lighter until your lighter gets so light it won't light.

This is my fourth visit to Turkey in 3 years, and every time it's the same old thing. 10 camels for your beautiful wife

And every time I tell them to fuck off, before winking at the wife.

If she is that fucking beautiful, why the fuck are they trying to sell her back to me.

The Dalai Lama spends a lot of time in Vegas.
.
I heard it's because he likes Tibet.

"How the fuck did they get my number?"
Me, every time my phone rings.

I keep meeting bi women on the apps.
Every time I say hello they say Byeee.

" Some talk to you in their free time and some free their time to talk to you..."

I've got no home, no control, and no escape.
Guess it's time for me to get a new keyboard.

Marry a man who is older than you so by the time you start losing your beauty, he will also be losing his eyesight.

What do people with a lot of time do in the shopping mall ?
- Fart around.

It’s always awkward the first time you hold hands with someone... because they usually want to know who you are and why you just grabbed them.

Flip flops are fun because every time you take a step it's like a high-five for your feet.

Woods's Laws of Procrastination:
Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
Procrastinate today! (Tomorrow may be too late.)
NOW is the time to do things later!
If at first you don't succeed, why try again?

Wolf's Law of Management: The tasks to do immediately are the minor ones; otherwise, you'll forget them. The major ones are often better to defer. They usually need more time for reflection. Besides, if you forget them, they'll remind you.

Wolf's Law (An Optimistic View of a Pessimistic World): It isn't that things will necessarily go wrong (Murphy's Law), but rather that they will take so much more time and effort than you think if they are not to go wrong.

Westheimer's Rule: To estimate the time it takes to do a task: estimate the time you think it should take, multiply by 2, and change the unit of measure to the next highest unit. Thus we allocate 2 days for a one hour task.

Law of Triviality: The time spent on any item of the agenda will be in inverse proportion to the sum involved.

Trischmann's Paradox (Axiom of the Pipe): A pipe gives a wise man time to think and a fool something to stick in his mouth.

Short's Quotations:

Any great truth can -- and eventually will -- be expressed as a cliche. A cliche is a sure and certain way to dilute an idea. For instance, my grandmother used to say, "The black cat is always the last one off the fence." I have no idea what she meant, but at one time it was undoubtedly true.
Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at.
Malpractice makes malperfect.
Neurosis is a communicable disease.
The only winner in the War of 1812 was Tchaikovsky.
Nature abhors a hero. For one thing, he violates the law of conservation of energy. For another, how can it be the survival of the fittest when the fittest keeps putting himself in situations where he is most likely to be creamed?
A little ignorance can go a long way.
Learn to be sincere. Even if you have to fake it.
There is no such thing as an absolute truth -- that is absolutely true.
Understanding the laws of nature does not mean we are free from obeying them.
Entropy has us outnumbered.
The human race never solves any of its problems -- it only outlives them.
Hell hath no fury like a pacifist.

Shelton's Laws of Pocket Calculators:

Rechargeable batteries die at the most critical time of the most complex problem.
When a rechargeable battery starts to die in the middle of a complex calculation, and the user attempts to connect house current, the calculator will clear itself.
The final answer will exceed the magnitude or precision or both of the calculator.
There are not enough storage registers to solve the problem.
The user will forget mathematics in proportion to the complexity of the calculator.
Thermal paper will run out before the calculation is complete.

Segal's Law: A man with one watch knows what time it is; a man with two watches is never sure.

Rodriguez's Observation: A consultant is someone who, when hired to find out what time it is, borrows your watch to find out.
Corollary (Martin): If you hire a consultant to read your own watch to you, you got your money's worth.

Robertson's Law: Everything happens at the same time with nothing in between.

My mate who has a stutter, was telling us about his Nana.

By the time he finished, we were all singing Hey Jude.

The last time I was involved in sexual intercourse was when I was a sperm.

Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take the time to take the dirt out of them?

Professional's Law: Doctors, dentists, and lawyers are only on time for appointments when you're not.

Plotnick's Law: The time of departure will be delayed by the square of the number of people involved.

Axiom of the Pipe. (Trischmann's Paradox): A pipe gives a wise man time to think and a fool something to stick in his mouth.

Peter's Placebo: An ounce of image is worth a pound of performance. Peter's Prognosis: Spend sufficient time in confirming the need and the need will disappear.

Peter Principle: In every hierarchy, whether it be government or business, each employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence; every post tends to be filled by an employee incompetent to execute its duties. Corollaries:
Incompetence knows no barriers of time or place.
Work is accomplished by those employees who have not yet reached their level of incompetence.
If at first you don't succeed, try something else.