Jokes About Time: Laughing Through the Ages.

There was a man who had a 28-inch dick.
He was tired with all the inconveniences that came with it and no doctor was able to help him. Desperate, he went to talk to the village witch. The witch said, "Go to the Seventh Mountain and look for the Mystical Frog. He can speak; you just need him to mutter the word 'no' and your dick will shrink by 7 inches."

So the man traveled there and, sure enough, he found the Mystical Frog meditating. He went over to the frog and said, "Hey Frog, let's you and I have sex!" The frog was shocked and replied, "What the hell's your problem? NO!" The man's dick shrunk by 7-inches; things were looking good.

He asked the frog again, "Come on, Froggy, let's get it on!" to which the frog replied, "Did you not hear me just now??? I said NO!" and his dick shrunk by another 7-inches. At this point, the man just needed to make the frog say it one more time so that he'll have just the perfect size. "Come on, buddy. Let's do it! You know you want to!"

The frog turned red with rage and angrily shouted, "What is wrong with you? How many times do I have to repeat myself? I said NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!!!!!!"

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

What do people with a lot of time do in the shopping mall ?
- Fart around.

Waddell's Law of Equipment Failure: A component's degree of reliability is directly proportional to its ease of accessibility (i.e., the harder it is to get to, the more often it breaks down).
Waffle's Law: A professor's enthusiasm for teaching the introductory course varies inversely with the likelihood of his having to do it.
Wain's Conclusion: The only people making money these days are the ones who sell computer paper.
Waldo's Observation: One man's red tape is another man's system.
Walinsky's Law: The intelligence of any discussion diminishes with the square of the number of participants.
Walinsky's First Law of Political Campaigns: If there are twelve clowns in a ring, you can jump in the middle and start reciting Shakespeare, but to the audience, you'll just be the thirteenth clown.
Walker's Law: Associate with well-mannered persons and your manners will improve. Run with decent folk and your own decent instincts will be strengthened. Keep the company of bums and you will become a bum. Hang around with rich people and you will end by picking up the check and dying broke.
Wallace's Observation: Everything is in a state of utter dishevelment.
Walters's Law of Management: If you're already in a hole, there's no use to continue digging.
Washington's Law: Space expands to house the people to perform the work that Congress creates.
Watson's Law: The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to the number and significance of any persons watching it.
Rule of the Way Out: Always leave room to add an explanation if it doesn't work out.
Weaver's Law: When several reporters share a cab on an assignment, the reporter in the front seat pays for all.
Corollary (O'Doyle): No matter how many reporters share a cab, and no matter who pays, each puts the full fare on his own expense account.
Corollary (Germond): When a group of newsmen go out to dinner together, the bill is to be divided evenly among them, regardless of what each one eats and drinks.
Weber-Fechner Law: The least change in stimulus necessary to produce a perceptible change in response is proportional to the stimulus already existing.
Weidner's Queries:
The tide comes in and the tide goes out, and what have you got?
They say an elephant never forgets, but what's he got to remember?
Weiler's Law: Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
Weinberg's Law: If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
Corollary: An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while sweeping on to the grand fallacy.
Weisman's Law of Examinations: If you're confident after you've just finished an exam, it's because you don't know enough to know better.
Wells's Law: A parade should have bands or horses, not both.
Westheimer's Rule: To estimate the time it takes to do a task: estimate the time you think it should take, multiply by 2, and change the unit of measure to the next highest unit. Thus we allocate 2 days for a one hour task.
Whispered Rule: People will believe anything if you whisper it.
White Flag Principle: A military disaster may produce a better postwar situation than victory.
White's Chappaquiddick Theorem: The sooner and in more detail you announce bad news, the better.
White's Observations of Committee Operation:
People very rarely think in groups; they talk together, they exchange information, they adjudicate, they make compromises. But they do not think; they do not create.
A really new idea affronts current agreement.
A meeting cannot be productive unless certain premises are so shared that they do not need to be discussed, and the argument can be confined to areas of disagreement. But while this kind of consensus makes a group more effective in its legitimate functions, it does not make the group a creative vehicle -- it would not be a new idea if it didn't -- and the group, impelled as it is to agree, is instinctively hostile to that which is divisive.
White's Statement: Don't lose heart . . . Owen's Comment on White's Statement: . . . they might want to cut it out . . . Byrd's Addition to Owen's Comment on White's Statement: . . . and they want to avoid a lengthy search.
Whole Picture Principle: Research scientists are so wrapped up in their own narrow endeavors that they cannot possibly see the whole picture of anything, including their own research.
Corollary: The Director of Research should know as little as possible about the specific subject of research he is administering.
Wicker's Law: Government expands to absorb revenue, and then some.
Wilcox's Law: A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.
Williams and Holland's Law: If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by statistical methods.
Will's Rule of Informed Citizenship: If you want to understand your government, don't begin by reading the Constitution. (It conveys precious little of the flavor of today's statecraft.) Instead read selected portions of the Washington telephone directory containing listings for all the organizations with titles beginning with the word "National".
Flip Wilson's Law: You can't expect to hit the jackpot if you don't put a few nickles in the machine.
Wilson's Law of Demographics: The public is not made up of people who get their names in the newspapers.
Wingo's Axiom: All Finagle Laws may be bypassed by learning the simple art of doing without thinking.
First Law of Wing-Walking: Never leave hold of what you've got until you've got hold of something else.
Witten's Law: Whenever you cut your fingernails, you will find a need for them an hour later.
Wober's SNIDE Rule (Satisfied Needs Incite Demand Excesses): Ideal goals grow faster than the means of attaining new goals allow.
Wolf's Law (An Optimistic View of a Pessimistic World): It isn't that things will necessarily go wrong (Murphy's Law), but rather that they will take so much more time and effort than you think if they are not to go wrong.
Wolf's Law of Decision-Making: Major actions are rarely decided by more than four people. If you think a larger meeting you're attending is really "hammering out" a decision, you're probably wrong. Either the decision was agreed to by a smaller group before the meeting began, or the outcome of the larger meeting will be modified later when three or four people get together.
Wolf's Law of History Lessons: Those who don't study the past will repeat its errors. Those who do study it will find other ways to err.
Wolf's Law of Management: The tasks to do immediately are the minor ones; otherwise, you'll forget them. The major ones are often better to defer. They usually need more time for reflection. Besides, if you forget them, they'll remind you.
Wolf's Law of Meetings: The only important result of a meeting is agreement about next steps.
Wolf's Law of Planning: A good place to start from is where you are.
Wolf's Law of Tactics: If you can't beat them, have them join you.
Woltman's Law: Never program and drink beer at the same time.
Woman's Equation: Whatever women do, they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
Wood's Law: The more unworkable the urban plan, the greater the probability of implementation.
Woods's Incomplete Maxims:
All's well that ends.
A penny saved is a penny.
Don't leave things unfinishe
Woods's Laws of Procrastination:
Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
Procrastinate today! (Tomorrow may be too late.)
NOW is the time to do things later!
If at first you don't succeed, why try again?
Woodward's Law: A theory is better than an explanation.
Worker's Dilemma Law (Management's Put-Down Law):
No matter how much you do, you'll never do enough.
What you don't do is always more important than what you do do.
Wynne's Law: Negative slack tends to increase.
Wyszkowski's Theorem: Regardless of the units used by either the supplier or the customer, the manufacturer shall use his own arbitrary units convertible to those of either the supplier or the customer only by means of weird and unnatural conversion factors.
Wyszowski's First Law: No experiment is reproducible.
Wyszkowski's Second Law: Anything can be made to work if you fiddle with it long enough.

People who fix watches have a lot of time on their hands .

I found out last night that my new girlfriend is a ‘squirter’.
That’s the last time we try knife throwing

If a job interviewer asks about a time you worked as part of a team...
Don't tell them about the orgy.

We’ve just gotten into tantric sex…
It’s been a long time coming!

The first time I had sex, I kept the receipt.

Last time a woman saw me naked for the first time, she screamed and ran out of the park.

My friend told me excessive masturbation can lead to memory loss.
It’s the sixth time he’s told me.

What is the unit of measure for time traveling breasts?
Quan-tities.

When the plums dry on your tree, it's time to prune.

It is funny how my wife waits for me in the kitchen all night till I come back from the pub...
...just to ask me what time it is.

Whats the difference between a girls G spot and a lost pokemon card collection?
A guy will spend as much time as it takes to find the pokemon cards...

Every time I get out of the shower and look into the mirror, I see an asshole.
Maybe I should have installed it at eye level.

The best time to open a gift is the present.

My grandmother just reached 105.

That's the last fu**ing time I get in the car when she's late for bingo!

If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you.

Why do women have two sets of lips?

So they can bitch and moan at the same time 💋

I took my flat tire to the repair shop and told them they could take as much time as they needed to fix it. There was no pressure.

One time Mick Jagger called Kate, Carrie-Ann and Elisabeth for a meeting. It’s the only time a Rolling Stone gathered Moss.

Every time you light a lighter, your lighter gets lighter until your lighter gets so light it won't light.

This is my fourth visit to Turkey in 3 years, and every time it's the same old thing. 10 camels for your beautiful wife

And every time I tell them to fuck off, before winking at the wife.

If she is that fucking beautiful, why the fuck are they trying to sell her back to me.

The Dalai Lama spends a lot of time in Vegas.
.
I heard it's because he likes Tibet.

"How the fuck did they get my number?"
Me, every time my phone rings.

I keep meeting bi women on the apps.
Every time I say hello they say Byeee.

" Some talk to you in their free time and some free their time to talk to you..."

I've got no home, no control, and no escape.
Guess it's time for me to get a new keyboard.

Marry a man who is older than you so by the time you start losing your beauty, he will also be losing his eyesight.

What do people with a lot of time do in the shopping mall ?
- Fart around.

It’s always awkward the first time you hold hands with someone... because they usually want to know who you are and why you just grabbed them.

Flip flops are fun because every time you take a step it's like a high-five for your feet.

Woods's Laws of Procrastination:
Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
Procrastinate today! (Tomorrow may be too late.)
NOW is the time to do things later!
If at first you don't succeed, why try again?

Wolf's Law of Management: The tasks to do immediately are the minor ones; otherwise, you'll forget them. The major ones are often better to defer. They usually need more time for reflection. Besides, if you forget them, they'll remind you.

Wolf's Law (An Optimistic View of a Pessimistic World): It isn't that things will necessarily go wrong (Murphy's Law), but rather that they will take so much more time and effort than you think if they are not to go wrong.

Westheimer's Rule: To estimate the time it takes to do a task: estimate the time you think it should take, multiply by 2, and change the unit of measure to the next highest unit. Thus we allocate 2 days for a one hour task.

Law of Triviality: The time spent on any item of the agenda will be in inverse proportion to the sum involved.

Trischmann's Paradox (Axiom of the Pipe): A pipe gives a wise man time to think and a fool something to stick in his mouth.

Short's Quotations:

Any great truth can -- and eventually will -- be expressed as a cliche. A cliche is a sure and certain way to dilute an idea. For instance, my grandmother used to say, "The black cat is always the last one off the fence." I have no idea what she meant, but at one time it was undoubtedly true.
Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at.
Malpractice makes malperfect.
Neurosis is a communicable disease.
The only winner in the War of 1812 was Tchaikovsky.
Nature abhors a hero. For one thing, he violates the law of conservation of energy. For another, how can it be the survival of the fittest when the fittest keeps putting himself in situations where he is most likely to be creamed?
A little ignorance can go a long way.
Learn to be sincere. Even if you have to fake it.
There is no such thing as an absolute truth -- that is absolutely true.
Understanding the laws of nature does not mean we are free from obeying them.
Entropy has us outnumbered.
The human race never solves any of its problems -- it only outlives them.
Hell hath no fury like a pacifist.

Shelton's Laws of Pocket Calculators:

Rechargeable batteries die at the most critical time of the most complex problem.
When a rechargeable battery starts to die in the middle of a complex calculation, and the user attempts to connect house current, the calculator will clear itself.
The final answer will exceed the magnitude or precision or both of the calculator.
There are not enough storage registers to solve the problem.
The user will forget mathematics in proportion to the complexity of the calculator.
Thermal paper will run out before the calculation is complete.

Segal's Law: A man with one watch knows what time it is; a man with two watches is never sure.

Rodriguez's Observation: A consultant is someone who, when hired to find out what time it is, borrows your watch to find out.
Corollary (Martin): If you hire a consultant to read your own watch to you, you got your money's worth.

Robertson's Law: Everything happens at the same time with nothing in between.

My mate who has a stutter, was telling us about his Nana.

By the time he finished, we were all singing Hey Jude.

The last time I was involved in sexual intercourse was when I was a sperm.

Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take the time to take the dirt out of them?

Professional's Law: Doctors, dentists, and lawyers are only on time for appointments when you're not.

Plotnick's Law: The time of departure will be delayed by the square of the number of people involved.

Axiom of the Pipe. (Trischmann's Paradox): A pipe gives a wise man time to think and a fool something to stick in his mouth.

Peter's Placebo: An ounce of image is worth a pound of performance. Peter's Prognosis: Spend sufficient time in confirming the need and the need will disappear.

Peter Principle: In every hierarchy, whether it be government or business, each employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence; every post tends to be filled by an employee incompetent to execute its duties. Corollaries:
Incompetence knows no barriers of time or place.
Work is accomplished by those employees who have not yet reached their level of incompetence.
If at first you don't succeed, try something else.

Parkinson's Law of the Telephone: The effectiveness of a telephone conversation is in inverse proportion to the time spent on it.

Parkinson's First Law: Work expands to fill the time available for its completion; the thing to be done swells in perceived importance and complexity in a direct ratio with the time to be spent in its completion.