Jokes About Time: Laughing Through the Ages.

If I had a Delorean, I'd probably drive it time to time.

One time Mick Jagger called Kate, Carrie-Ann and Elisabeth for a meeting. It’s the only time a Rolling Stone gathered Moss.

Gadarene Swine Law: Merely because the group is in formation does not mean that the group is on the right course.
Galbraith's Law of Political Wisdom: Anyone who says he isn't going to resign, four times, definitely will.
Galbraith's Law of Prominence: Getting on the cover of "Time" guarantees the existence of opposition in the future.
Gallois's Revelation: If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow ennobled, and no one dares to criticize it.
Corollary - An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while sweeping on to the Grand Fallacy.
Laws of Gardening:
Other people's tools work only in other people's yards.
Fancy gizmos don't work.
If nobody uses it, there's a reason.
You get the most of what you need the least.
Gardner's Rule of Society: The society which scorns excellence in plumbing because plumbing is a humble activity and tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exalted activity will have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy. Neither its pipes nor its theories will hold water.
Gell-Mann's Dictum: Whatever isn't forbidden is required.
Corollary: If there's no reason why something shouldn't exist, then it must exist.
Law of Generalizations: All generalizations are false.
Gerrold's Fundamental Truth: It's a good thing money can't buy happiness. We couldn't stand the commercials.
Gerrold's Law: A little ignorance can go a long way. (Lyall's Addendum: ...in the direction of maximum harm.)
Gerrold's Pronouncement: The difference between a politician and a snail is that a snail leaves its slime behind.
Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics:
An object in motion will be heading in the wrong direction.
An object at rest will be in the wrong place.
Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics:
An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction.
An object at rest will always be in the wrong place.
The energy required to change either one of the states will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so much as to make the task totally impossible.
Getty's Reminder: The meek shall inherit the earth, but NOT its mineral rights.
Gibb's Law: Infinity is one lawyer waiting for another.
Gilb's Laws of Unreliability (see also Troutman's Laws of Computer Programming):
Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.
Corollary: At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer.
Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.
The only difference between the fool and the criminal who attacks a system is that the fool attacks unpredictably and on a broader front.
A system tends to grow in terms of complexity rather than of simplification, until the resulting unreliability becomes intolerable.
Self-checking systems tend to have a complexity in proportion to the inherent unreliability of the system in which they are used.
The error-detection and correction capabilities of any system will serve as the key to understanding the type of errors which they cannot handle.
Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to detectable errors, which by definition are limited.
All real programs contain errors until proved otherwise -- which is impossible.
Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the probable cost of errors, or somebody insists on getting some useful work done.
Gilmer's Motto for Political Leadership: Look over your shoulder now and then to be sure someone's following you.
Ginsberg's Theorem (Generalized Laws of Thermodynamics):
You can't win.
You can't break even.
You can't even quit the game.
Ehrman's Commentary on Ginberg's Theorem:
Things will get worse before they get better.
Who said things would get better?
Freeman's Commentary on Ginberg's Theorem: Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's Theorem. To wit:
Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win.
Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even.
Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the game.
Glatum's Law of Materialistic Acquisitiveness: The perceived usefulness of an article is inversely proportional to its actual usefulness once bought and paid for.
Godin's Law: Generalizedness of incompetence is directly proportional to highestness in hierarchy.
Golden Principle: Nothing will be attempted if all possible objections must first be overcome.
The Golden Rule of Arts and Sciences: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.
Gold's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
(Bill) Gold's Law: A column about errors will contain errors.
(Vic) Gold's Law: The candidate who is expected to do well because of experience and reputation (Douglas, Nixon) must do better than well, while the candidate expected to fare poorly (Lincoln, Kennedy) can put points on the media board simply by surviving.
Goldwyn's Law of Contracts: A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
Golub's Laws of Computerdom:
Fuzzy project objectives are used to avoid the embarrassment of estimating the corresponding costs.
A carelessly planned project takes three times longer to complete than expected; a carefully planned project takes only twice as long.
The effort requires to correct course increases geometrically with time.
Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so vividly manifests their lack of progress.
The 19 Rules for good Riting:
Each pronoun agrees with their antecedent.
Just between you and I, case is important.
Verbs has to agree with their subject.
Watch out for irregular verbs which has cropped up into our language.
Don't use no double negatives.
A writer mustn't shift your point of view.
When dangling, don't use participles.
Join clauses good like a conjunction should.
And don't use conjunctions to start sentences.
Don't use a run-on sentence you got to punctuate it.
About sentence fragments.
In letters themes reports articles and stuff like that we use commas to keep strings apart.
Don't use commas, which aren't necessary.
Its important to use apostrophe's right.
Don't abbrev.
Check to see if you any words out.
In my opinion I think that the author when he is writing should not get into the habit of making use of too many unnecessary words which he does not really need.
Then, of course, there's that old one: Never use a preposition to end a sentence with.
Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague.
Goodfader's Law: Under any system, a few sharpies will beat the rest of us.
Goodin's Law of Conversions: The new hardware will break down as soon as the old is disconnected and out.
Gordon's First Law: If a research project is not worth doing, it is not worth doing well.
Professor Gordon's Rule of Evolving Bryophytic Systems: While bryophytic plants are typically encountered in substrata of earthy or mineral matter in concreted state, discrete substrata elements occasionally display a roughly spherical configuration which, in presence of suitable gravitational and other effects, lends itself to combined translatory and rotational motion. One notices in such cases an absence of the otherwise typical accretion of bryophyta. We conclude therefore that a rolling stone gathers no moss.
Corollary (Rutgers): Generally the subjective value assignable to avian lifeforms, when encountered and considered within the confines of certain orders of woody plants lacking true meristematic dominance, as compared to a possible valuation of these same lifeforms when in the grasp of -- and subject to control by -- the manipulative bone/muscle/nerve complex typically terminating the forelimb of a member of the species homo sapiens (and possibly direct precursors thereof) is approximately five times ten to the minus first power.
Goulden's Law of Jury Watching: If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than 24 hours, it is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances when it votes guilty.
Graditor's Laws:
If it can break, it will, but only after the warranty expires.
A necessary item goes on sale only after you have purchased it at the regular price.
Gray's Law of Bilateral Asymmetry in Networks: Information flows efficiently through organizations, except that bad news encounters high impedance in flowing upward.
Gray's Law of Programming: n+1 trivial tasks are expected to be accomplished in the same time as n trivial tasks. Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law of Programming: n+1 trivial tasks take twice as long as n trivial tasks.
Rule of the Great: When someone you greatly admire and respect appears to be thinking deep thoughts, they are probably thinking about lunch.
Greenberg's First Law of Influence: Usefulness is inversely proportional to reputation for being useful.
Greener's Law: Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel.
Greenhaus's Summation: I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
Gresham's Law: Trivial matters are handled promptly; important matters are never resolved.
Grosch's Law: Computing power increases as the square of the cost. If you want to do it twice as cheaply, you have to do it four times slower.
Gross's Law: When two people meet to decide how to spend a third person's money, fraud will result.
Grossman's Misquote: Complex problems have simple, easy to understand wrong answers.
Gummidge's Law: The amount of expertise varies in inverse proportion to the number of statements understood by the general public.
Gumperson's Law: The probability of anything happening is in inverse ratio to its desirability.
Corollaries:
After a salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you had before.
The more a recruit knows about a given subject, the better chance he has of being assigned to something else.
You can throw a burnt match out the window of your car and start a forest fire, but you can use two boxes of matches and a whole edition of the Sunday paper without being able to start a fire under the dry logs in your fireplace.
Children have more energy after a hard day of play than they do after a good night's sleep.
The person who buys the most raffle tickets has the least chance of winning.
Good parking places are always on the other side of the street.
Gumperson's Proof: The most undesirable things are the most certain (death and taxes).
Guthman's Law of Media: Thirty seconds on the evening news is worth a front page headline in every newspaper in the world.

Labor Law: A disagreeable law is its own reward.
First Law of Laboratory Work: Hot glass looks exactly the same as cold glass.
LaCombe's Rule of Percentages: The incidence of anything worthwhile is either 15-25 percent or 80-90 percent.
Corollary (Dudenhoefer) An answer of 50 percent will suffice for the 40-60 range.
Langin's Law: If things were left to chance, they'd be better.
Langsam's Law: Everything depends.
Lani's Principles of Economics:
Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed.
$100 placed at 7% interest compounded quarterly for 200 years will increase to more than $100,000,000 by which time it will be worth nothing.
In God we trust; all others pay cash.
La Rochefoucauld's Law: It is more shameful to distrust one's friends than to be deceived by them.
Law of Late-Comers: Those who have the shortest distance to travel invariably arrive latest.
Laura's Law: No child throws up in the bathroom.
Lawyer's Rule: When the law is against you, argue the facts. When the facts are against you, argue the law. When both are against you, call the other lawyer names.
Leahy's Law: If a thing is done wrong often enough, it becomes right.
Corollary: Volume is a defense to error.
Le Chatelier's Law: If some stress is brought to bear on a system in equilibrium, the equilibrium is displaced in the direction which tends to undo the effect of the stress.
Lenin's Law: Whenever the cause of the people is entrusted to professors, it is lost.
Le Pelley's Law: The bigger the man, the less likely he is to object to caricature.
Les Miserables Metalaw: All laws, whether good, bad, or indifferent, must be obeyed to the letter.
Levy's Ten Laws of the Disillusionment of the True Liberal:
Large numbers of things are determined, and therefore not subject to change.
Anticipated events never live up to expectations.
That segment of the community with which one has the greatest sympathy as a liberal inevitably turns out to be one of the most narrow-minded and bigoted segments of the community.
Always pray that your opposition be wicked. In wickedness there is a strong strain toward rationality. Therefore there is always the possibility, in theory, of handling the wicked by outthinking them.
Corollary 1: Good intentions randomize behavior.
Corollary 2: Good intentions are far more difficult to cope with than malicious intent.
Corollary 3: If good intentions are combined with stupidity, it is impossible to outthink them.
Corollary 4: Any discovery is more likely to be exploited by the wicked than applied by the virtuous.
In unanimity there is cowardice and uncritical thinking.
To have a sense of humor is to be a tragic figure.
To know thyself is the ultimate form of aggression.
No amount of genius can overcome a preoccupation with detail.
Only God can make a random selection.
Eternal boredom is the price of constant vigilance.
Lewis's Laws:
People will buy anything that's one to a customer.
No matter how long or how hard you shop for an item, after you've bought it it will be on sale somewhere cheaper.
Liebling's Law: If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to boot yourself in the posterior.
Lilly's Metalaw: All laws are simulations of reality.
Lloyd-Jones's Law of Leftovers: The amount of litter on the street is proportional to the local rate of unemployment.
Law of Local Anesthesia: Never say "oops" in the operating room.
(F)law of Long-Range Planning: The longer ahead you plan a special event, and the more special it is, the more likely it is to go wrong.
Long's Notes:
Always store beer in a dark place.
Certainly the game is rigged. Don't let that stop you; if you don't bet, you can't win.
Any priest or shaman must be presumed guilty until proved innocent.
Always listen to experts. They'll tell you what can't be done, and why. Then do it.
If it can't be expressed in figures, it is not science; it is opinion.
It has long been known that one horse can run faster than another -- but which one? Differences are crucial.
A fake fortuneteller can be tolerated. But an authentic soothsayer should be shot on sight. Cassandra did not get half the kicking around she deserved.
Delusions are often functional. A mother's opinions about her children's beauty, intelligence, goodness, et cetera ad nauseam, keep her from drowning them at birth.
A generation which ignores history has no past -- and no future.
A poet who reads his verse in public may have other nasty habits.
Small change can often be found under seat cushions.
History does not record anywhere at any time a religion that has any rational basis. Religion is a crutch for people not strong enough to stand up to the unknown without help. But, like dandruff, most people do have a religion and spend time and money on it and seem to derive considerable pleasure from fiddling with it.
It's amazing how much "mature wisdom" resembles being too tired.
Of all the strange "crimes" that human beings have legislated out of nothing, "blasphemy" is the most amazing -- with "obscenity" and "indecent exposure" fighting it out for second and third place.
It's better to copulate than never.
Everything in excess! To enjoy the flavor of life, take big bites. Moderation is for monks.
It may be better to be a live jackal than a dead lion, but it is better still to be a live lion. And usually easier.
Never appeal to a man's "better nature". He may not have one. Invoking his self-interest gives you more leverage.
Avoid making irrevocable decisions while tired or hungry.
An elephant: A mouse built to government specifications.
A zygote is a gamete's way of producing more gametes. This may be the purpose of the universe.
Stupidity cannot be cured with money, or through education, or by legislation. Stupidity is not a sin; the victim can't help being stupid. But stupidity is the only universal capital crime; the sentence is death, there is no appeal, and execution is carried out automatically and without pity.
God is omnipotent, omniscient, and omnibenevolent. It says so right here on the label. If you have a mind capable of believing all three of these divine attributes simultaneously, I have a wonderful bargain for you. No checks, please. Cash and in small bills.
Beware of altruism. It is based on self-deception, the root of all evil.
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
Always tell her she is beautiful, especially if she is not.
In a family argument, if it turns out you are right, apologize at once.
To stay young requires unceasing cultivation of the ability to unlearn old falsehoods.
Does history record any case in which the majority was right?
Secrecy is the beginning of tyranny.
The greatest productive force is human selfishness.
Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors -- and miss.
Expertise in one field does not carry over into other fields. But experts often think so. The narrower their field of knowledge the more likely they are to think so.
Never try to outstubborn a cat.
Tilting at windmills hurts you more than the windmills.
Yield to temptation; it may not pass your way again.
Waking a person unnecessarily should not be considered a capital crime. For a first offense, that is.
The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it's none of my business, but . . . " is to place a period after the word "but". Don't use excessive force in supplying such a moron with a period. Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get you talked about.
A skunk is better company than a person who prides himself on being "frank".
Natural laws have no pity.
You can go wrong by being too skeptical as readily as by being too trusting.
Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
Climate is what we expect; weather is what we get.
Pessimist by policy, optimist by temperament -- it is possible to be both. How? By never taking an unnecessary chance and by minimizing risks you can't avoid. This permits you to play out the game happily, untroubled by the certainty of the outcome.
"I came, I saw, SHE conquered." (The original Latin seems to have been garbled.)
A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain.
Don't try to have the last word. You might get it.
Los Angeles Dodgers Law: Wait till last year.
Law of the Lost Inch: In designing any type of construction, no overall dimension can be totalled correctly after 4:40 p.m. on Friday.
Corollaries:
Under the same conditions, if any minor dimensions are given to sixteenths of an inch, they cannot be totalled at all.
The correct total will become self-evident at 9:01 a.m. on Monday.
Lowrey's Law: If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
Lowrey's Law of Expertise: Just when you get really good at something, you don't need to do it any more.
Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology: There's always one more bug.
Lubin's Law: If another scientist thought your research was more important than his, he would drop what he is doing and do what you are doing.
Luce's Law: No good deed goes unpunished.
Lucy's Law: The alternative to getting old is depressing.
Luten's Laws:
When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity: for every week you're away and get nothing done, there's another week when your boss is away and you get twice as much done.
It's not so hard to lift yourself by your bootstraps once you're off the ground.
Lyall's Conjecture: If a computer cable has one end, then it has another.
Lyall's Fundamental Observation: The most important leg of a three legged stool is the one that's missing.
Lynch's Law: When the going gets tough, everybody leaves.
Lyon's Law of Hesitation: He who hesitates is last.

What does a CIA agent do when it's time for bed?

He goes under cover.

A long time ago, I had a job where I translated pre-classical Greek literature into Braille.
It feels like ancient history.

Farmer Giles is so interested in conserving energy, he built a pig-powered car.
He has to get rid of it, though. Every time he turns a corner, the tires squeal.

I went to my Barber's and said, Give me a pony tail. He said, Once upon a time this pony went to the seaside....

Every time I opened the window, it would moan and groan.

It was the pane I guess.

Coffee has a rough time in our house. It gets mugged every single morning!

A cowboy is camping when one morning he sees an Indian ride by on a horse, with his wife walking behind carrying all her things by hand. The next day, the same thing, the Indian rides by on his horse with his wife trailing behind carrying all her things by hand. On the third day, the Indian passes by again, but this time the Cowboy stops him and says, "Hey why are you riding the horse and she has to walk and carry everything by hand?" The Indian looks at him and says, "Well, she doesn't have a horse."

So a cowboy is riding his horse through the desert
When he comes across an Indian laying on the ground butt-naked with an erection.

“Howdy! Whatcha doin?” the cowboy asks the Indian.

“It’s an old trick we use to tell the time of the day” the Indian says.

“Boy that seems like a nifty trick! What time is it, then?” the cowboy inquires.

The Indian glances down at his penis and says, “almost 10 in the morning.”

The cowboy thanks the Indian for the time and travels on. A few hours later, he stumbles on another naked Indian laying on the ground with an erection.

“Howdy partner, what time is it now?” the cowboy asks.

The Indian glances down and says, “Just a little past 2 in the afternoon.”

The cowboy thanks him kindly and mosies on.

A few hours later he finds yet another naked Indian, but this one is stroking his penis pretty vigorously.

“Howdy partner, I saw your two friends earlier could tell me the time, but what are you doing?” The cowboy asks.

“Just winding up the clock.”

I bought a second hand time machine next May....
They don't make them like they are going to anymore....

My wife left me because of autocorrect.
That's the last time she'll ever text me saying "can you please bring home some milf from the supermarket.

Mr. Martingale and Miss Scalper go out on a date.
Mr. Martingale is thinking "just one more drink and I will have her in the sack".
Miss Scalper is thinking "next time he leave the tip I am out here"

A long time ago, a visitor from out of town came to a tour in Manhattan. At the end of the tour they took him to the financial district. When they arrived to Battery Park the guide showed him some nice yachts anchoring there, and said, "Here are the yachts of our bankers and stockbrokers." "And where are the yachts of the investors?" asked the naive visitor.

Time is money. Therefore, ATMs are time machines.

If you ask Rick Astley for his copy of the movie UP he can't give it to you, because he's never going to give you up.
While at the same time he's let you down , thus creating the Rick Astley paradox.

A few days after creation, the Lord called Adam and said, 'It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth, so I want you to kiss her.'
Adam answered, 'Yes Lord, but what is a kiss?'
So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand and took her over to a nearby bush.
A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, 'Thank you Lord, that was quite enjoyable.'
And the Lord replied, 'Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that. Now, I’d like you to caress Eve.'
And Adam asked, 'What is caress?'
So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and then Adam went behind the bush to caress Eve.
Quite a few minutes later Adam returned smiling and said, 'Lord, that was even better than the kiss.'
And the Lord said, 'You’ve done well Adam. And now I want you to make love to Eve.'
And Adam asked, 'What is to make love Lord?'
So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush.
But this time he reappeared in a few seconds and asked, 'Lord, what is a headache?'

Every time I see nickels, dimes and quarters I have a panic attack....
the Doctor says I'm afraid of change...

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing God she asked "Is my time up? "

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth!

Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.

While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded,
"I thought yousaid I had another 43 years.
Why didn't you pull me fromout of the path of the ambulance?"



God replied:

"I didn't recognize you!"

Once there was this Whichdoctor, he walked barefoot most of the time which gave him impressive calluses on his feet. He also ate very little and the food gave him bad breath. Which made him (wait for it), A Super Callused Fragile Mystic Hexed.

There is a mysterious crime spree going on at our local IKEA.
The cops are having a hard time putting the pieces together.

There was a man who had a 28-inch dick.
He was tired with all the inconveniences that came with it and no doctor was able to help him. Desperate, he went to talk to the village witch. The witch said, "Go to the Seventh Mountain and look for the Mystical Frog. He can speak; you just need him to mutter the word 'no' and your dick will shrink by 7 inches."

So the man traveled there and, sure enough, he found the Mystical Frog meditating. He went over to the frog and said, "Hey Frog, let's you and I have sex!" The frog was shocked and replied, "What the hell's your problem? NO!" The man's dick shrunk by 7-inches; things were looking good.

He asked the frog again, "Come on, Froggy, let's get it on!" to which the frog replied, "Did you not hear me just now??? I said NO!" and his dick shrunk by another 7-inches. At this point, the man just needed to make the frog say it one more time so that he'll have just the perfect size. "Come on, buddy. Let's do it! You know you want to!"

The frog turned red with rage and angrily shouted, "What is wrong with you? How many times do I have to repeat myself? I said NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!!!!!!"

A man is in a bar having a drink. The guy next to him falls off of his barstool👀. The man picks up the guy and sits him back on the barstool😊, and he falls off again👀. This time he picks the guy up and asks, ''Where do you live?'' Being a kind soul, the man takes the guy to his car, puts him in the back seat, and drives him home. When they get to the guy's house, the man helps the guy out of the car, but he falls down 3 times before getting to the front door. The man rings the doorbell and the guy's wife comes to the door. The man says, ''Hello, I've brought your husband home.'' The wife looks at the man and asks, ''Where's his wheel chair😳?''

My email password got hacked again.
That's the third time I've had to rename the cat.

A bitch is a dog. A dog barks. Bark is on a tree. A tree is part of nature. Nature is beautiful. So ladies, next time someone calls you a bitch, thank them for the compliment.

How did the people who created the first clock know what the time was?🤔

I've an idea for a new telly show...it's called 'Doctor Whom'. An English teacher travels through time correcting people's grammar...

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "quick, bring me a beer before it starts."
She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.
When he finished it, he said, "quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.
When it was gone, he said, "quick, another beer, it's gonna start any second."
"That's it!" She blows her top. "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"
The husband sighed. "Oh shit, it's started"

What time does Sean Connery get to Wimbledon?

Tenish...

Watched 'The Curious Case of Benjamin Button' for the umpteenth time last night.

Never gets old.

I think i may be drinking too much, the last time i gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

Two Norwegians were talking in the park when a bird splattered one of them on the head. Eyeing the mess, the victim's companion offered to go get some toilet paper.
"Won't do no good," said the messed-up one, "by the time you get back, that bird will be four miles away."

What time does the library open?" the man on the phone asked.
"Nine A.M." came the reply. "And what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?"
"Not until nine A.M.?" the man asked in a disappointed voice.
"No, not till nine A.M.!" the librarian said. "Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?"
"Who said I wanted to get in?" the man sighed sadly. "I want to get out."

My other wife was a genie - every time you opened a bottle she appeared by your side.

A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal.
Before the match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. It ties you up in knots. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished."
The Irishman nodded in acknowledgment. As the match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening.
All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Irishman and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold.
A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.
Suddenly, there was a long, high pitched scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Irishman collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"
The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those buggers just as hard as I could."
The trainer exclaimed, "Oh, so that's what finished him off?!!!"
"Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls..."

A young Irish gay man decides it's time to come out to his mother
'I've got some news to tell you mammy. I'm gay'
'Really, son. Well that's a bit of a shock, but whatever makes you happy makes me happy. But can I ask you two questions?
'Er, okay.'
'Do you like that there cocksucking. Getting a big hairy cock in your mouth and sucking it like a lollipop?'
'Yeah, sometimes'
'And do you like that there rimming. Getting your tongue up into some other man's hairy arsehole and having a good rummage around?'
'Well, not every night, but I've done it a few times'
'Ah, well, thats fair enough son. Just don't ever complain about the taste of my fookin cooking again!'

A taxi driver, new on the job, picks up his first customer.
The driver then started to head to the location designated by the passenger. A few minutes had passed and the whole trip had been quiet ever since. The radio wasn't even turned on.

The passenger is very interpersonal so he started to strike a conversation to break the silence.

"Hey, ma-"

"HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!!!" The driver abruptly hit the breaks.

"Dude, wtf!" the passenger complained. The driver then apologised "Sorry, man. It's my first time on the job and I haven't adjusted from my previous job yet."

"What did you do before this?"

"I drove a hearse."

I heard the funniest time travel joke tomorrow.

What if John Wick is just Neo in the new Matrix program? Think about it, Even Morpheus is in it and says “John doesn’t remember but we met a long time ago.”

If you go in a fake time machine, you still come out in the future.

I am on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.

Just burned 2,000 calories. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

Are part time band leaders called semi-conductors?

I’m thinking of starting a social media network for chickens.
Not as a full time job just a way to make hens meet.

The stock market is weird. Every time one guy sells, another one buys, and they both think they're smart.

Every time you go to court your in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury service.

One day when the professor walked into her classroom, she noticed that someone had written the word 'PENIS' (in tiny letters) on the blackboard. She scanned the class looking for a guilty face. Finding none, she rubbed the word off and began class. The next day, the word 'PENIS' was written on the board again; this time she was very irritated , as it was written about halfway across the board. Again she looked around in vain for the culprit, so she proceeded with the day's lesson. Every morning for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day's being larger than the previous one, and each being rubbed off vigorously. At the end of the second week, she walked in expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board but instead found the words: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets."

Coffee has a rough time in our house.
It gets mugged every single morning.

I'll sell my broken watch when the time is right.

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left." "Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?" "Ten," the doctor says sadly. "Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!" "Nine..."

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules.
"The female hostel will be prohibited for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students.
Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $50 the first time."
He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $100.
Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $200.
Are there any questions?"
At this, a male student in the crowd inquired, "How much for a season pass?"

Johnny is at school and teacher says "Johnny, it's time for milk and cookies!" He says "FUCK YOU AND YOUR MILK AND COOKIES!" Teacher decides to call Johnny's father and hide him in the coat closet. Again she says""time for milk and cookies!" Again Johnny says "FUCK YOU AND YOUR MILK AND COOKIES!" She opens the closet door and says "this is how your child is talking. What do you have to say about this?" Dad says" Well, fuck him. Don't give him any!"