Jokes About Time: Laughing Through the Ages.

Cops have a hard time catching fat criminals.
They are always at large and on top of that its impossible to narrow down on them.

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules.
"The female hostel will be prohibited for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students.
Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $50 the first time."
He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $100.
Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $200.
Are there any questions?"
At this, a male student in the crowd inquired, "How much for a season pass?"

I wrote a screen play about love in the time of Kotex.
It was a period piece.
No one would produce it. Bloody fools!

A bitch is a dog. A dog barks. Bark is on a tree. A tree is part of nature. Nature is beautiful. So ladies, next time someone calls you a bitch, thank them for the compliment.

I went to my Barber's and said, Give me a pony tail. He said, Once upon a time this pony went to the seaside....

Every time I opened the window, it would moan and groan.

It was the pane I guess.

Coffee has a rough time in our house. It gets mugged every single morning!

A cowboy is camping when one morning he sees an Indian ride by on a horse, with his wife walking behind carrying all her things by hand. The next day, the same thing, the Indian rides by on his horse with his wife trailing behind carrying all her things by hand. On the third day, the Indian passes by again, but this time the Cowboy stops him and says, "Hey why are you riding the horse and she has to walk and carry everything by hand?" The Indian looks at him and says, "Well, she doesn't have a horse."

So a cowboy is riding his horse through the desert
When he comes across an Indian laying on the ground butt-naked with an erection.

“Howdy! Whatcha doin?” the cowboy asks the Indian.

“It’s an old trick we use to tell the time of the day” the Indian says.

“Boy that seems like a nifty trick! What time is it, then?” the cowboy inquires.

The Indian glances down at his penis and says, “almost 10 in the morning.”

The cowboy thanks the Indian for the time and travels on. A few hours later, he stumbles on another naked Indian laying on the ground with an erection.

“Howdy partner, what time is it now?” the cowboy asks.

The Indian glances down and says, “Just a little past 2 in the afternoon.”

The cowboy thanks him kindly and mosies on.

A few hours later he finds yet another naked Indian, but this one is stroking his penis pretty vigorously.

“Howdy partner, I saw your two friends earlier could tell me the time, but what are you doing?” The cowboy asks.

“Just winding up the clock.”

I bought a second hand time machine next May....
They don't make them like they are going to anymore....

My wife left me because of autocorrect.
That's the last time she'll ever text me saying "can you please bring home some milf from the supermarket.

Mr. Martingale and Miss Scalper go out on a date.
Mr. Martingale is thinking "just one more drink and I will have her in the sack".
Miss Scalper is thinking "next time he leave the tip I am out here"

A long time ago, a visitor from out of town came to a tour in Manhattan. At the end of the tour they took him to the financial district. When they arrived to Battery Park the guide showed him some nice yachts anchoring there, and said, "Here are the yachts of our bankers and stockbrokers." "And where are the yachts of the investors?" asked the naive visitor.

Time is money. Therefore, ATMs are time machines.

If you ask Rick Astley for his copy of the movie UP he can't give it to you, because he's never going to give you up.
While at the same time he's let you down , thus creating the Rick Astley paradox.

A few days after creation, the Lord called Adam and said, 'It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth, so I want you to kiss her.'
Adam answered, 'Yes Lord, but what is a kiss?'
So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand and took her over to a nearby bush.
A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, 'Thank you Lord, that was quite enjoyable.'
And the Lord replied, 'Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that. Now, I’d like you to caress Eve.'
And Adam asked, 'What is caress?'
So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and then Adam went behind the bush to caress Eve.
Quite a few minutes later Adam returned smiling and said, 'Lord, that was even better than the kiss.'
And the Lord said, 'You’ve done well Adam. And now I want you to make love to Eve.'
And Adam asked, 'What is to make love Lord?'
So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush.
But this time he reappeared in a few seconds and asked, 'Lord, what is a headache?'

Every time I see nickels, dimes and quarters I have a panic attack....
the Doctor says I'm afraid of change...

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing God she asked "Is my time up? "

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth!

Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.

While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded,
"I thought yousaid I had another 43 years.
Why didn't you pull me fromout of the path of the ambulance?"



God replied:

"I didn't recognize you!"

Once there was this Whichdoctor, he walked barefoot most of the time which gave him impressive calluses on his feet. He also ate very little and the food gave him bad breath. Which made him (wait for it), A Super Callused Fragile Mystic Hexed.

There is a mysterious crime spree going on at our local IKEA.
The cops are having a hard time putting the pieces together.

There was a man who had a 28-inch dick.
He was tired with all the inconveniences that came with it and no doctor was able to help him. Desperate, he went to talk to the village witch. The witch said, "Go to the Seventh Mountain and look for the Mystical Frog. He can speak; you just need him to mutter the word 'no' and your dick will shrink by 7 inches."

So the man traveled there and, sure enough, he found the Mystical Frog meditating. He went over to the frog and said, "Hey Frog, let's you and I have sex!" The frog was shocked and replied, "What the hell's your problem? NO!" The man's dick shrunk by 7-inches; things were looking good.

He asked the frog again, "Come on, Froggy, let's get it on!" to which the frog replied, "Did you not hear me just now??? I said NO!" and his dick shrunk by another 7-inches. At this point, the man just needed to make the frog say it one more time so that he'll have just the perfect size. "Come on, buddy. Let's do it! You know you want to!"

The frog turned red with rage and angrily shouted, "What is wrong with you? How many times do I have to repeat myself? I said NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!!!!!!"

A man is in a bar having a drink. The guy next to him falls off of his barstool👀. The man picks up the guy and sits him back on the barstool😊, and he falls off again👀. This time he picks the guy up and asks, ''Where do you live?'' Being a kind soul, the man takes the guy to his car, puts him in the back seat, and drives him home. When they get to the guy's house, the man helps the guy out of the car, but he falls down 3 times before getting to the front door. The man rings the doorbell and the guy's wife comes to the door. The man says, ''Hello, I've brought your husband home.'' The wife looks at the man and asks, ''Where's his wheel chair😳?''

My email password got hacked again.
That's the third time I've had to rename the cat.

A bitch is a dog. A dog barks. Bark is on a tree. A tree is part of nature. Nature is beautiful. So ladies, next time someone calls you a bitch, thank them for the compliment.

How did the people who created the first clock know what the time was?🤔

I've an idea for a new telly show...it's called 'Doctor Whom'. An English teacher travels through time correcting people's grammar...

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "quick, bring me a beer before it starts."
She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.
When he finished it, he said, "quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.
When it was gone, he said, "quick, another beer, it's gonna start any second."
"That's it!" She blows her top. "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"
The husband sighed. "Oh shit, it's started"

What time does Sean Connery get to Wimbledon?

Tenish...

Watched 'The Curious Case of Benjamin Button' for the umpteenth time last night.

Never gets old.

I think i may be drinking too much, the last time i gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

Two Norwegians were talking in the park when a bird splattered one of them on the head. Eyeing the mess, the victim's companion offered to go get some toilet paper.
"Won't do no good," said the messed-up one, "by the time you get back, that bird will be four miles away."

What time does the library open?" the man on the phone asked.
"Nine A.M." came the reply. "And what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?"
"Not until nine A.M.?" the man asked in a disappointed voice.
"No, not till nine A.M.!" the librarian said. "Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?"
"Who said I wanted to get in?" the man sighed sadly. "I want to get out."

My other wife was a genie - every time you opened a bottle she appeared by your side.

A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal.
Before the match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. It ties you up in knots. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished."
The Irishman nodded in acknowledgment. As the match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening.
All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Irishman and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold.
A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.
Suddenly, there was a long, high pitched scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Irishman collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"
The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those buggers just as hard as I could."
The trainer exclaimed, "Oh, so that's what finished him off?!!!"
"Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls..."

A young Irish gay man decides it's time to come out to his mother
'I've got some news to tell you mammy. I'm gay'
'Really, son. Well that's a bit of a shock, but whatever makes you happy makes me happy. But can I ask you two questions?
'Er, okay.'
'Do you like that there cocksucking. Getting a big hairy cock in your mouth and sucking it like a lollipop?'
'Yeah, sometimes'
'And do you like that there rimming. Getting your tongue up into some other man's hairy arsehole and having a good rummage around?'
'Well, not every night, but I've done it a few times'
'Ah, well, thats fair enough son. Just don't ever complain about the taste of my fookin cooking again!'

A taxi driver, new on the job, picks up his first customer.
The driver then started to head to the location designated by the passenger. A few minutes had passed and the whole trip had been quiet ever since. The radio wasn't even turned on.

The passenger is very interpersonal so he started to strike a conversation to break the silence.

"Hey, ma-"

"HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!!!" The driver abruptly hit the breaks.

"Dude, wtf!" the passenger complained. The driver then apologised "Sorry, man. It's my first time on the job and I haven't adjusted from my previous job yet."

"What did you do before this?"

"I drove a hearse."

I heard the funniest time travel joke tomorrow.

What if John Wick is just Neo in the new Matrix program? Think about it, Even Morpheus is in it and says “John doesn’t remember but we met a long time ago.”

If you go in a fake time machine, you still come out in the future.

I am on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.

Just burned 2,000 calories. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

Are part time band leaders called semi-conductors?

I’m thinking of starting a social media network for chickens.
Not as a full time job just a way to make hens meet.

The stock market is weird. Every time one guy sells, another one buys, and they both think they're smart.

Every time you go to court your in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury service.

One day when the professor walked into her classroom, she noticed that someone had written the word 'PENIS' (in tiny letters) on the blackboard. She scanned the class looking for a guilty face. Finding none, she rubbed the word off and began class. The next day, the word 'PENIS' was written on the board again; this time she was very irritated , as it was written about halfway across the board. Again she looked around in vain for the culprit, so she proceeded with the day's lesson. Every morning for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day's being larger than the previous one, and each being rubbed off vigorously. At the end of the second week, she walked in expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board but instead found the words: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets."

Coffee has a rough time in our house.
It gets mugged every single morning.

I'll sell my broken watch when the time is right.

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left." "Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?" "Ten," the doctor says sadly. "Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!" "Nine..."

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules.
"The female hostel will be prohibited for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students.
Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $50 the first time."
He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $100.
Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $200.
Are there any questions?"
At this, a male student in the crowd inquired, "How much for a season pass?"

Johnny is at school and teacher says "Johnny, it's time for milk and cookies!" He says "FUCK YOU AND YOUR MILK AND COOKIES!" Teacher decides to call Johnny's father and hide him in the coat closet. Again she says""time for milk and cookies!" Again Johnny says "FUCK YOU AND YOUR MILK AND COOKIES!" She opens the closet door and says "this is how your child is talking. What do you have to say about this?" Dad says" Well, fuck him. Don't give him any!"

A vagina is like the weather. Once its wet, it's time to go inside.

Q: Why is a vagina just like the weather?
A: When it's wet, it's time to go inside.

If I had a Delorean, I'd probably drive it time to time.